You ask me what I'm doing.
I reply "nothing", as I lay ******* smoking away my pain.
He makes me feel this way.
Insecure and unsure.
Fantasizing lips among breast.
Pressure upon chests.
Drowning out the pain leaving me soaking wet.    
Distant strangers.
Fantasy of someone that's not mine.
Constant aching all the time.
No attachment just attraction.
Smoking away your name.

I know you still lie to me.
Each time breaking my heart.
Maybe this whole relationship is a lie.
Has been from the start?
Lie after lie.
Each time I deny,
The fact that you know it hurts me.
You know it hurts me..
Yet, you continue to do it.
Reoccurring dreams with the gun held to my head.
I blew it.
I know you lie to me.
I lie to you too.
Every time I say yes to being happy with you.
The scar of a smile that has been etched on my face.
Void where my heart used to be.
As there is no trace.
Happiness attached to mere memories not to what is in front of me.
I know you still lie to me.
I even lie to myself.
Loving you just can't  be helped.
Not loving you is the lie I tell myself.

A faint breath as I held the gun to my head.
Attempts were made before.
Never before have I been so sure.
So insecure..
Stolen gun and a stroll in the night.
The night that I took my life.
Everything seemed so right.
Heartbeat no longer fast.
I had to hurry up and act.
Before they got back.
I was losing track of placing notes alongside their bedroom doors.
Notes that has been written months in advance.
Never had the courage.
Always had the chance.
Letter to my lover which I kept by my side.
What's the point of being alive if you don't feel alive?
Maybe it was all a mistake.
Who will know.
If only they paid attention they would've known.
The funny part is most will think this is just a poem.

I beg you now.
From the moment you stole my heart I've been at your mercy.
Tell me...
Tell me you don't really love me so my heart can stop beating.
Tell me you don't love me so all this pain and heartache has no meaning.
You tell me you love me and I'm slowly dying inside.
From all the lies that you would hide.
How I wish I wasn't alive..
I love you more than I love myself.
You.
Always full of pride.
Blind to see what's in front of you.
Lingering thoughts now.
I'm insecure.
Would you rather me be a *****?
Rather I don't care and want nothing more?
You are killing me.
Just tell me you don't love me.
Then I'll vacation from this reality.
I'm tired of killing each other slowly.

As I scroll with the intent on reading beautiful poetry. I see nothing but people arguing with one another. Why is there so much hate and negativity. Hello Poetry is supposed to be a place where people can enjoy each others work. Relate to others, yet, I see constant arguing and assault. Please take it else where. It is unsettling. It is petty.

Your smell still lingers from the last time you kissed my lips.
Including the one between my hips.
Beads of our sweat still stain my shirt.
All of the memories continue to hurt.
I push you away.. I allow you to stay.
Why am I feeling this way?
Emotions racing throughout my body.
Wanting you by my side..
If only you hadn't of lied.
I feel so empty.
Our "relationship" was always unhealthy.
I lost myself trying to hold on to you.
I'm lost....
You still don't have a clue.

It's been a few weeks since I've been deprived of sleep.
I can't help but love being on the edge.
Your smell no longer lingers in my room.
I was sad at first, but now I feel nothing.
The next girl can't be me...
Oh God. Oh God.
What's wrong with me?
I still think about you.
You don't make this easy for me.
I need to drop a few tabs and leave this reality.

The warmth in your kiss is lost.
I thought maybe just maybe.. I could trust you again when I allowed that kiss.
Which lead to more than I entended.
Oh God, neither of us have regret, yet, you feel guilt.
"I love you, but you deserve better."
How my heart suddenly ached as I realized the words you spoke to be true.
All this time I wanted it to be you.
Almost two years..
Heartache and tears.
The gradual loss of heat I felt in your lips didn't prepare me for this.
Each lie and I felt a breeze between exchanging tongues.
Then your cold lips.
How I tried to keep the warmth.
I reached and I reached..
By the water was too deep.
I was beginning to drown.
Even so..
I kept going until the blood in me almost stopped flowing as a friend pulled me out.
How could I ever forget your cold lips?
The lips that I miss.

I lay next to him and I visualize your lips on my lips.
Our good morning kiss.
One of the things I miss.
I thought I could get over you breaking my heart
But
You're still here..
I just can't trust you.
But my God.. It doesn't mean I don't love you.
Trying to get over you but my heart won't.
Hands around my throat.
His arm wrapped around me.
What's happened to me.
Lingering emotions let me be.
Release me from your toxicity.

She apologizes even when she isn't at fault.
Used to accusations.
Apologies embedded in her head.
Now she always feels wrong.
Apologies to him due to his pain.
Hurting and being hurt.
Broken hearts breaking hearts.
Unintentional.
Another apology.
Sorry for hurting you even though I'm still hurting because of you.
That doesn't matter now does it?
Apology after apology.
I'm sorry you hurt me..
I apologized for my lack of trust.
Can these apologies cease.
Please.
For me at least.

Even though your words and actions tore me apart.
Parts of my heart cling to you longing for another start.
The thought of not speaking to you kills inside, yet, whenever we do speak you're always full of pride.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with you my dear old love.
How is it that you managed to make me the happiest and the saddest, but now all that's left are traces of internal damage.
Yet, I still love you.
I love the way you hurt me.
I love the memories we had.
I miss trusting you.
Why can't we go back to the way things were?
I'll never be her and I know that now.
Even so I still love you..
But..
I'm moving on now.

Another disagreement between us.
Love and Trust.
Which is more important you say?
You fail to realize they are equal as one.
"You can trust a friend and not love them."
But can you be in love with your partner and not trust them??
Another one of my opinions you shot down.
I know for a fact that Love and Trust are as one.
When you broke my trust..
It was only up until it was finally lost for me to fall out of love with you.
Even after I tried so hard to stay.
What is love without trust anyway?

I can feel my heart beating through my throat.
And when you chocked me it was the closest you've been to my heart in years.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Memories just play back in your head.
Curling stomach.
Imagines of him in your bed.
Frozen at the thought about being hurt again.
Wanting to scream into a pillow and cry out loud.
You can't breathe.
Screams, nothing but streams down your face.
You can't move.
Your heart begins to race.
"Why?!!!"
Putting your all into someone and still getting hurt.
While trying to save what you had with them you lose yourself.
The "I love you" that once warmed your heart is now the reason you prefer to cry in the dark.
No one can hear your internal screams.
Ripping yourself at the seams.
Why can't you see that I've fallen apart?
Why can't everything just restart..
These silent tears will be the death of me.

"They Say Love Hurts" and "I Feel Sick"
Mere memories to what I'm feeling now..
What is this?
I was in love with you..
Ever so madly.
Willing to rip myself apart for you ever so gladly.
But now..
What is this?
Do we just exist?
Together again.. I still love you...
But am I in love?
I don't think I am.
Holding on to something that wasn't there for so long.
Moving on... In circles.
A cycle that never ends.
Why do I go back to him?
"Do what makes you happy"
What if I don't know?
Just going with the flow to the unknown.
My heart is an uncharted aybss that was once full of nothing but a heated bliss.
Now.. Nothingness.
He even called me cold hearted merely due to a small reflection of myself.
For a moment I became what was hurting me.
And God, did I ever feel so free.
Back to the question of love.
Should love feel like this?
If not please tell me.

I bid you all farewell.
As I make this journey on my way to hell.
Maybe if it does exist.

I tend to stay up at night with thoughts of you lingering in my head. Wishing I was dead? Wanting to be with someone else instead..
The constant fluctuation of emotions whisking away is too much to bare.
All I want is for you to be there.
Either loss of appetite or just gorging myself out of boredom.
One way or another I'm not right in the head.
Between wishing I was dead.
****** perversions thrusting around my head instead.
I lie down and wait for a reply.
The nose bleeds only started recently, but I lost track of the shaking with shortness of breath.
Hmm.. Better off dead.
Not that you would care about me feeling this way.
Telling me to leave due to a feeling you are controlling.
Leave.
You must really want me gone if you don't care enough to listen.
Maybe one day I'll stop caring and give that wish in.

I wish I could rip out my insides.
Rip out my beating heart so he could feel the pain that I feel every time it beats. Or every time it skips when I hear his name and just how I get lost in his presence.
I wish I could tear myself apart only to provide him with more knowledge. To have him understand what I can't even understand myself. I wish I could break my ribbed barrier and give him my life link as a promise of eternal love.
Our blood could intertwine and maybe for once we could be a whole. My last dying breath in a kiss I would give him my soul.
I would tear myself apart just to feel closer to him. I want to give him my undying trust.. But how can I do that when he is the one bruising my beating heart. The one causing my fractures and he ripped the trust out of my throat. And my God it was such a beautiful thing as I was choking.. Just hoping he would understand.
Countless times I would endure the same wounds just so he could learn from them.
That's when I realized I was willing to give my all to someone who would half heartily take me in. When They told me love hurts I was prepared to face the end of the universe to be with him. What I didn't know is that his true feelings were hidden. I was diminishing while he didn't even care to notice. Didn't care to take me in.
When I said I would tear myself apart for you I thought you would've been there to catch every piece.
Instead the pieces would fall into your hands and with lose griping you would just release them.
All I could do was not regret wanting you to keep them.

Sick of this pain that I get in my chest.
Not because there's anything wrong with me, but there's something wrong with you.
I'm sick of feeling worthless due to your inability to see my worth.
Sick of being sick from the tears you cause.
The curdling in my stomach every time we argue.
Should love feel like this?
Consistent sickness??
Mistakes I didn't make, yet, I feel at fault.
I ******* love you.
I truly do, but this pain is unbearable.
A mixture of emptiness and sickness.
Acid ripping me apart..
I'm not even me anymore.
Holding on this false smile for my dear life.
Just to make you happy.
But..
Should love feel like this?
It just doesn't feel right.

I have a bottle in my hand and my heart in the other..
Ripped out of my chest I begin to undress.
Why do I still love you?
Every lie you put me through.
I still love you.
My head is getting dizzy as the memory of you clouds me.
The way you would kiss me ever so gently.
I place the bottle on my cheek.
Laying in this tub with the water running up my thighs.
I love you and your lies.
Over a year and it's gone.
Just like this bottle.
I wanna sing you a song.
About how you hurt me and make me feel bad..
Like I'm the one lying and I'm the one that doesn't try.
You make me want to end my ******* life.

I ran out of trust.
Each lie you would tell building up..
The bleeding from my heart causes my ribs to rust.
Beginning to crack.
At every lie..
Three words I would take back.
But, I can't.
I love you.
"I love you too"
Wondering if it's just another lie.
Manage to flip it around on me.
"Investigating.. Monitoring me"
If I'm such a bother just let me ******* be.
Why are you with me?
My anxiety is killing me.
You say you feel forced.
My heart scorched.
One word and the triggered was pulled.
Forced.
The worst.
Swearing you love me, yet, you feel forced to talk to me.
Let me be.
You love me...
You love me..
Let it be.
I ran out of trust..
But, I must keep trying..
I must.

If only he knew how I fell in love with him.
The peering out of my darkest hole.
Loving him more than I love myself. Body and soul.
If only he knew that I want him to be the one.
How my heart beats for him.
Sometimes I want to run.
If only he knew.
The deep meaning to my "I love you"
I truly do. Not wanting anyone but you.
If only you knew..
That I put your emotions before my own.
Even if it hurts me.
It won't be shown.
Loving you more than I love myself.
I swear the love that I have for you is the only way to my own salvation.
If only he knew.
The suffocation of finding the right words to express what I feel. Unsteady and raw.. All too real.
If only he knew.
That he was the only light in my everlasting darkness.
But..
Light fades away..
And if only he knew.
I dread the thought of that day

My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
I am an utter mess.
Must I confess to you the silent thoughts that loom throughout my head?
The silent thoughts of how I wish I was dead.
But instead.
I bottle it all inside.
For one guy.
I try.
The hardest decision when you want to die.
Hiding everything inside.
Constant lies of "I'm okay"
Must I confess how I am unable to eat without feeling nauseous.
Trying, yet, knowing.
It'll make you sick anyway.
Deprivation of sleep.
Feeling completely empty.
Can nothingness even die?
Nothing is what I feel inside.
My silent thoughts are beginning to leak.
Then he speaks and at that moment the silence is beat.
My heart is content.
The pounding in my head is absent.
Absence..

I try to speak and I choke.
Barbed wire and heavy chains itched around my throat.
Every moment and I choke.
Gasping for air, yet, I can't breathe.
This depression taking over me.
I submerged from your waters only to be pulled back in chains.
This pain.
I'm unable to explain.  
The suffocation in the water is nothing compared to my dry throat.
I choke and I choke.
Through the stormy clouds I pray for rain.
Hopefully, ends up in rusted chains.
Rust begins to seep into my skin.
Blood the taste of iron.
Dry throat is now flowing with blood.
I choke.
I constantly ******* choke.
Lips cold.
Eyes roll.
Everything's okay.
This depression my lifetime buddy.
Friend that constantly chokes me.
Every time I try to speak..
Can't you notice I don't breathe?

No ordinary being.
The light in the darkness.
You.
Her silent tears at the thought of you leaving.
Heart stops beating.
To her.
Her everything.
So many feelings
But..
You don't see them.
Loving you more than herself.
To her.
Her poison and her remedy.
Her smiles and her tears
To her..
Loving you...
Her greatest fear.
You leaving.

The intimate touch and I flinch.
Thinking of your hand on every inch.
Retracing lines that were already drawn.
You don't mean me any harm.
Stretch marks.
Insecure.
"Relax baby, I love you more"
Imperfect, yet, in this moment it feels worth it.
Exposed bodies and souls.
Skin to skin.
Worlds unfold.
Gripping down my waist.
Kissing down my thighs.
Looking at each other eye to eye.
Lips upon my skin.
So in love with this guy.
Sweat drizzling down backs.
Stinging scratch marks.
Pulling hair.
I like that.
Skin to skin.
Warm breath from him.
The thing I love the most about falling asleep.
Falling asleep skin to skin

I'll never tell you how I wish I could end my life everyday.
A coward some say.
Unable to fulfill the deed.
I've always just wanted to be happy.
How hard can that be?
I've wanted to tell you how much I really love you.
"I love you" cannot even begin to explain how I feel.
Being with you was once the escape in with I would long for.
Yet, something is different.
I noticed its not the same for you.
This depression, the not caring.
Seeing things for how it really is.
I wonder..
Do you really love me?
The way you say you do.
Not just him, but all of you.
So much greatness that I have in store.
When I've fallen knees to the floor is anyone really there?
Never showing that you "care".
"I'll get over it. I get over it."
Okay I ******* get it. You don't want to listen.
Listen to the pain that you inflicted.
"I get it"
So many things I'll never tell you.
Thinking I'm doing just fine.
You only care for the empty "I'm okay"
Would you care if you were the last person I spoke to before I threw my life away?

It's after me again I can tell you that for sure..
Don't you hear the scraping of fingernails at the door!?
It's after me again.
Are you even listening!
It wants to hurt me again.
All I wanted was a friend.
Are you even listening?
For God's sake Yuki wake up.
Don't rolls your eyes at me little lady.
You sit here for 3 weeks and call me crazy.
"Morris, Lulu is at it again."
It's after me again.
Don't touch me you aren't my friend!
"What's that you say? You just want to play?"
Ha. I won't fall for that again.
Last time we played with the blade Morris was bleeding and I haven't seen him since.
You were at the funeral smirking the whole time.
We laughed at Morris when he packed his bags.
*"Suszana, I'll be back in a few days."
Why are we even here? Morris and his constant stares.
Just leave me alone. I can hear you.
Lulu you silly kitten.
You are everywhere.
It's everywhere.
Leave me alone.
I feel like quitting.

Do my tears bring you mirth?
All of my pain, my whole reason for existence on this earth.
Look at me and tell me what you see.
I care not for my so called "beauty"
You are down, I am your savior.
Whilst I'm down there's no such behavior.
You think you fill my head with lies at ease.
Little do you know these lies don't appease.
Strike me down if you must.
Rather have you as an enemy, than someone that I falsely trust.
Sit there and mock me if you must.
I will not fall for your bluff.

Isn't it ironic, how we tell others to stay strong, yet, we can't do it ourselves?
How we give useful advice, yet, we never receive any help.
We try to keep everyone around us strong.
Knowing we're the ones that need help all along.
Keeping everyone out of harm's way.
I guess we should be considered superheroes saving people everyday.
Putting others needs before our own.
God forbid if our problems are shown.
The ones that can't stay strong are the ones that keep a strong posture.
Appearing strong in reality we're weak.
Merely helping others while stumbling on our own feet.

They tell you that you're beautiful.
They tell you that you were strong.
But what they don't seem to understand is that they have it all wrong.
They tell you that you're flawless.
Yet you only see your flaws.
You see the scars that remain hidden.
Sweaters every day, Who am I kidding.
Behind your smile your life isn't worth while.
"you're perfect"
"Am I even worth it?"
They tell you that they love you.
You've heard it all before.
Every broken heart that you've ever endured.
You deserve the best as what they say.
Yet your ridiculed and mocked almost everyday.
They tell you..
"You mustn't fall, you can't be defeated."
Somewhere along the line.
You begin to think they really mean it.

I can't remember to forget you.
Forgetting you is nearly losing a piece of myself.
The piece that has been dealt for all the pain that I felt.
I can't remember to forget you.
Bruises placed upon my skin.
The memories in which I can't tell where they end and where they begin.
I can't remember to forget you.
My first love.
Scars etched in my heart.
I can't
Remember to forget you?
Can't remember to forget.
A twisted way..
I miss it.

You may think you love her.
Flawless skin.. big blue eyes..
But what you fail to realize she is nothing but lies.
The tainted porcelain stature that appears to have all beauty captured.
Deep within that porcelain you will find, the hateful engravings of mankind.
The decrepit heart that beats for sorrow.
Will she still your heart today or tomorrow?
A fragment of what you want not what you need.
The depiction of love hidden behind society.
Focus on the girl who isn't hidden behind all the lies.
Who isn't judgemental.
Talking to all the guys.
You think you may love her but what you fail to realize.
You are just one of many.
Of her webbed lies.

A collision of continuous spark.
Setting the fire in her eyes.
Heat coursing threw her veins.
Just from hearing his name.
She fell for him.
He held a mask.
Portrayal at it's finest.
The fire she once possessed was overcome by his cold touch.
And for the first time she saw the black in his eyes.
The void is what she became.
Her soul filled with emptiness just from the mentioning of *His name.

I feel the temptation taking over me.
One more time.. come on
"You know you want me."
Inhaling blissfully.. exhaling realizing..
I'm empty.
Old habits, just let me be.
Popped two or three.
Stumbling on my feet.
Temptation dominating.
Wanting you in me.
Unable to control myself leaning towards your lips.
Surprised when you reach for the kiss.
Pressed against me.
What shouldn't be.
Becoming reality.
In me..
Your force pulling me in.
My personal Jinn.
Willingly giving in to You.
Giving my soul to you.
Him. My Jinn.

My mother noticed I'm in denial.
Noticed my fake smile.
In denial.
Generic lines she spoke,
"Follow your heart."
So close.
I choked.
Follow my heart?
What I've worked so hard for?
Or
What comes naturally?
The awaited hurt compared to the continuous mirth.
The one that makes me smile?
I'll finally admit I'm in denial.

I thought I would be happy but what I didn't realize.
Emotions had built up, tears rolling down my eyes.
First I thought tears of joy only to be tears of void.
The sudden displacement of emptiness in my heart.
Couldn't wait for my life to begin. Now where do I start?
Faces I'll never see again.
Different paths.
Confusion.
Confusion?
Where do I begin.
Time for graduation.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I can't love you.
You can just look into my eyes.
See that I lie when I try to hide it inside.
Not knowing what I want in life or where it will lead to.
Only knowing I want you and it always leads me back to you.
Yet, I try.
Try to keep it inside.
Internal demons ripping at my flesh. Permeating my sides. Filling me with distress, yet, it's nothing compared to this feeling of desideratum.
Every time I try to not feel the way I do.
My thoughts always rush back to you.

I told myself that I'd be fine.
Can't believe I fell for my own lie.
For the thousandth time.
"I'm fine. I'm fine."
I tell myself the same thing.
Everything is fine.
All the time.
Every time.

They tell you that you are beautiful, for a day.
Would they still think you were beautiful if they knew you wished your life away.
Waking up everyday doubting yourself.
"I hate myself.."
"But you have so much worth"
If only you knew..
The constant struggle of being insecure.
The struggle of being a girl..
Lower classmen
"EQUALS"
**** and abuse.
All of that means nothing to you.
Wake up in my flesh and see if you can last the day.
Walking astray the men watch you..
Stalk you like prey.
But everything is supposed to be okay?
"You are beautiful. You have worth"
Clearly beautiful with a ripped shirt covered in dirt.
Brush it off.
Wipe a smile on your face.
Trying to please the standard.
Learning one's place.
Get over yourself.
You simply don't understand.
Constantly being hurt.
Insecurity driving you deeper in the ground.
Absence of sound.
Lacking confidence due to negligence  
So much worth..
If I have so much worth why is there this much hurt?
Why am I pushed into dirt and expected to act as if everything is okay?
I'm just "beautiful" to you.
Not seeing me any other way.
My own being as if that mattered anyway.
I smile as I feel my inner self fade away.

Towards the house you can hear the yelling.
Walking in..
Why did I walk in...
Table broken.
Veins popping on a crimson face.
Suicidal tendencies.
The urge taking place.
Not feeling at home, in your own home.
Rushing upstairs you're better off alone.
Always something new, everyday.
Transcending into a distant place.
Old habits coming back.
Everything in a flash.
Acquire protection before it's too late.
Seems as though those around you control your fate..
Numb.
Always numb.
Bringing you down when you need them the most.
Perfect family?
It's all a hoax.

Dew drops trickling down the grass.
Laying in this field with you and the times continues to pass.
Sun shining on my face.
I love this feeling.
I love the dew drops dripping on your face.
Singing to me softly, making my heart swoon.
Rolling around in poppy flowers, waiting for the moon.
Getting up running to get feisty.
"C'mon baby, get up and catch me."
Chase me. Chase me.
You know you want to taste me.
Beads of sweating glazing down my back and breast.
Rolling in a poppy field.
The sun begins to rest.
Poppy seeds. Poppy seeds.
When were done weak in the knees.
"C'mon baby, get up and catch me."
Moonshine and fireflies.
World's spinning around your thighs.
You make me feel alive.
*Baby you are my high.

If only they knew the constant struggle of everyday.
People telling you it'll be "okay"
Waking up wishing that you wouldn't one day.
Starring into a distance slowly losing your self.
Not caring about mental or physical health.
If only they knew the smile on your face wasn't real.
If only they knew you were reaching the point where you couldn't feel.
Numbness.
Yes, that sounds right about now.
Sitting in silence.
But my thoughts are so loud.
The promise.
No longer feeling the need to keep.
Crying on knees.
"I'm weak."
Save me..
Next day nothings change.
I continue to smile so they don't see my pain.
I continue to act like everything is the same.
Continue to allow these thoughts to drive me insane.

Drip. Drip. Drip.
Rain is normally a tranquility.
Yet, today my insomnia is taking over me.
I close my eyes..
Drip. Drip. Drip..
Wide open again.
Torment
Another night of sleep taken from me.
I begin to slip back into sleep.
Drip.
Lighting up Jamaican incense.
Thinking about nothingness.  
I swear the rain is bringing out the affliction, bringing out the pain.
I stay awake thinking about you.
Wishing you could feel my pain.
Thoughts driving me insane.*
I can't sleep.
I love the rain, but tonight my insomnia is taking over me.
No longer able to sleep.
I run outside letting the rain drench all over me.
Oh how I love the rain.
Thank you again, Insomnia, my dear friend.

The faint smell of cigar will always linger on my neck.
The whiskey you spilled on me always on my breast.
A friendly night out is all you asked for.
Shoving me into the room.
"You can't leave, it's too soon."
Slamming the door.
"GET UNDRESSED."
Stammering while you walk.
Twisting my arm, falling to the floor.
"Get up. Get up. Be my little *****."
I knew "just friends" was just some little joke.
Turning around swooping hands.
Choke.  
Against the wall a piercing shove.
"You know you are the girl I've always loved?"
Crumbled up money put into my mouth.
"Kiss me and tell me you love me on your way out."
I'll never forget the way you told me you loved me..
Before you blew your brains out.

Heart is aching.
Fingers are shaking.
Slowly I can feel my heart is breaking.
Sharp pains in my chest.
These thoughts becoming my slow death.
How do I suppress these thoughts?
Please just put me to rest.
Dreams are better than reality.
I wish things were better.
Believe me.
Feelings that I can't control.  
Falling deep into this world of words.
My vision and coordination, everything is blurred.
The only clarity I have is with the one thought.
Thousands of words left unsaid every word in which I have felt.
My sanity drifting away.
*Maybe one day.

The fact that your no longer here.
Your presence stands besides me.
Residing on the tip of my tongue.
You linger.
Memories,Oh how fun.
Lifeless body.
Such cold hands.
I  long for the warmth of your lips Yet, I can't even feel warmth in your hands.
This wasn't part of my plan.
Falling for you..
Falling..
I continue to fall
Into the icy depths of hell.
You said you would catch me?
Yet, I continue to fall.
You lit the ignition deep within my frozen heart.
Now I'm burnt and you are no where to be found.
No where to be found..
Your lifeless body is all that's left now.

I still remember the day I ******* up.
The day I let down my walls.
Giving you access to my trust.
More like I fell off of my walls instead of letting them down.
My own walls blocking me out.
I don't know where I am now.
I'm am lost in my thoughts.
I hear this constant beating.
My heart.?
Why am I bleeding.
Preconceived ideas of us meant to be.
How could I have walked into this so blindly.
I trust you..
That's why this hurts.
My invulnerability.
Are you to any worth?

I wait for your reply.
Any minute now..
The feeling of addiction starring into a distance as if hours go by.
Biting skin off my lip.
It's time for my high.
Any minute now..
Any minute.
I think to myself then I get lit.
Inhale and exhale.
The cold feeling on my lips.
Maybe if I take off my belt.
Time to take a quick stick.
I lay back feeling numb.
Eyes rolling back.
I wanna go for a run.
Opening my window I long to spread my wings.
Woah, the breeze pushing back I'm feeling dizzy.
You reply, at last.
My heart, beating fast.
I can't breathe feeling so alive.
You.
The reason I love to get high.

It hurts that I can't be with you.
I've become addicted to this numbness.
It's my fault I feel this way.
I allow myself to be hurt only to continue hurting either way.
My heart is telling me to leave.
But I'm persistent.
This hurt is unlike any I've known before.
Please, I can't take no more.
I long for your smile.
Every moment with you is worth while.
Actual happiness.
My heart and face flush,
I stutter on my words.
I just speak.
Consistent smiles
Continuously laughing.
Time flies by so quickly when I'm with you.
Everything that he is lacking.
Why am I so confused?
*Why can't I just end the hurt.
And just be with you..