I wait for your reply.
Any minute now..
The feeling of addiction starring into a distance as if hours go by.
Biting skin off my lip.
It's time for my high.
Any minute now..
Any minute.
I think to myself then I get lit.
Inhale and exhale.
The cold feeling on my lips.
Maybe if I take off my belt.
Time to take a quick stick.
I lay back feeling numb.
Eyes rolling back.
I wanna go for a run.
Opening my window I long to spread my wings.
Woah, the breeze pushing back I'm feeling dizzy.
You reply, at last.
My heart, beating fast.
I can't breathe feeling so alive.
You.
The reason I love to get high.

It hurts that I can't be with you.
I've become addicted to this numbness.
It's my fault I feel this way.
I allow myself to be hurt only to continue hurting either way.
My heart is telling me to leave.
But I'm persistent.
This hurt is unlike any I've known before.
Please, I can't take no more.
I long for your smile.
Every moment with you is worth while.
Actual happiness.
My heart and face flush,
I stutter on my words.
I just speak.
Consistent smiles
Continuously laughing.
Time flies by so quickly when I'm with you.
Everything that he is lacking.
Why am I so confused?
*Why can't I just end the hurt.
And just be with you..

Every time you look at me I swear my heart skips a beat.
Stop.
This feeling. Why do my knees get weak?
Why can't I speak?
Whenever I'm around you I swear I can't breathe.
But then I open my mouth and constant words fall out.
Unable to control my speech.
You don't realize what you do to me.
Feelings please leave.
Get out.
Your touch lingers on my skin.
The heat leaves when you move your hand and I am shivering.
Being told I don't have a heart.
"Always so serious.. why don't you smile?"
All they ever say.
But,
with you I could smile all day.
Melting..
All my anger melting away.
I could be with you everyday.
If only everyday wasn't so far away.

"I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU."*
I cry screaming as I leave new memories on my skin.
The thought of finding out these feelings are right..
Where do I begin?
Old memories race through my head.
Wishing I could go back and erase all of the beatings I was fed.
But, instead.
I lay beside you..
You are not him.
You treat me ever so gently, yet, I feel hurt within.
Your words pierced through my heart.
Worse than any beating I could have been dealt.
You hurt me, yet, you are my haven.
Parts of me long to leave you, but it's as if engravings are permanently placed on my heart.
The thought of leaving..
Putting my head to rest.
"I love you.. I love you."
Why won't these feelings egress.

Those words..
I begin to choke.
"I won't make you a promise I can't keep"
Begging, at your feet.
Please for me.
Why do you still speak to her?
Don't reply.
"She still has feelings for me.. she wants to die.."
You think she had feelings for you when she was messing with that other guy?
Choking on my words.
All I do is cry.
Why are you hurting me
Can't you see?
While trying to save her, you are killing me..
I'm broken, can't you see?
But I "understand" it's about her.. not me.

You chose to disregard my feelings for hers?
You.
The one who opened my scars.
"The one?"
My heart continues to ache.
Waiting to break.
I can feel it. I know this torment has just begun.
Why do I allow you to hurt me?
Allow you to see parts of myself in which I've kept hidden?
Only to be throw away, good ridden
"everything will be alright."
" I love you"
Do you really?  
Your words shoot an unbearable pain.
" I love you. I love you. I love you."
Making me go insane.
My unknowing womb, eating me alive..
Why now after all this time?
My heart aches and I tremble, tears rushing down my face.
"Her feelings mean more than mine"..
But
I've never left..
I stayed by your side.

I no longer feel the need to care.
Blood.
Scattered everywhere.
"What happened?"
"Why am I here."
These feelings driving me insane.
After all I'm always the one to blame.
I wonder what happened here.
Looking around I freeze in place.
My body..
My brain scattered over the drapes.
My so called escape.
Trapped.
No emotion.
I feel numb.
I should've thought twice before I held that gun.

You said you'd love me like there was no tomorrow, yet, tomorrow is here and you are gone.

Heat building up fast.
She's looking for an escape.
Heart pounding.
Ventilation taking place.
Tears of emotion flowing down her face.
Feeling the thumping pace.
She loves him.
You can see it in her eyes.
The way her face glows.
She only sees one guy.
Her whole life, feeding of lies.
Looking for an escape.
Using *** as a way out.
Knowing his "I love You." is a temporary thing.
That's if there was any meaning.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Hating herself.
Finally there's Him.
She believes that He is the one.
But that "I love You." turned out to be a "need"
On her knees she cries and pleads.
Hating herself.
She's cries and cries.
Hands shaking as she pulls out a gun.
Breaking her own heart sounds like fun.
All due to another lie.

I have the same dream.
The dream that excites me.
Waking up, do I scream?
Not wanting your in-between.
Twelve years old.
Walking alone.
Three approach me.
Starring at the graveyard trying to look away.
Hoping for avoidance.
Starring up and down my legs.
Passing by, heart racing.
The smell of liquor and your misguided tongue.
Asking a twelve year old for a little bit of fun.
Running, pulling hair.
"Where do you think you're going?Get back here."
Stone wall meeting lips.
Legs shaking.
Pain between hips.
Blade illuminating, turns being taken.
Taken.
Reliving the memory.
Waking up.
Exciting.
What's wrong with me?
Please old memories.
Stay away from me.

The fixated smile.
My mind turning vile.
Bottling everything in just to keep this smile.
Anxiety attacking each breath.
Wishing my body was at rest.
"Stop!"
Can't you see, that I no longer have the energy?
No longer to keep up with this fixation.
Frustrating, the worst frustration.
Aching bones, peeling at my flesh.
The happiest thoughts in your head are death.
A way out of the situation.
The final destination.
Bottled tears you've been holding onto for years.
On top, my decision doesn't make him stop.
Coming home again dealing with the man.
Blood rushing through my head.
I'm better off dead... better off anywhere but instead I deal with the pain.
Consuming me.
Am I sane?

Spilling myself out.
All you do is scream and shout.
Listen, please.
My last breath.
The unforgiving.
How can you leave your daughter alone.
You left her with the same man who tortured you.. left her in his home.
Calls of distress, yet, your boyfriend is whom you rather impress.
You are supposed to love and protect.
Neglect.
Fourteen years old.
No place to call home.
Cannabis a girl's bestfriend.
Avoiding "home" when He was alone and drinking.
Avoiding everything.
The last breath.

Seven years old, a small child and burying my friends.
I realized life will eventually end.
Ladybugs and butterflies.
Finding friends that passed away.
Nature.
We all die, someday.
Flowers blooming such a beautiful sight.
I never understood the concept of life.
Picking flowers, placing them in a vase.
Petals falling, shriveled dry.
Death surrounding, feast your eyes.
Such a beautiful thing.
Misinterpreted into fear.
Death is beautiful.
Embrace what is near.

The way you look at me and tell me it's okay.
The way you kiss me, upon my cheek, gracefully.
The way your heart beat corresponds with mine.
Falling asleep, losing track of time.
The way you look at me, moving my  hair out of my face.
It's the little things you do that take me to another place.
Kissing and biting along my neck and breast.
When we kiss and you are short on breath.
The slight gasps, when you flinch.
Wanting to kiss you, all over, every inch.
Laying next to you.
Looking you in your eyes.
You make me forget about any other guy.
The way you giggle when I kiss your neck and chest.
Giving me security.
Letting me feel at rest.
The way my insecurities melt when I am with you.
Wishing I knew more, so much I want to do.
The way you wrap yourself around me,
holding me,
ever so tightly.
Making me feel like everything is  right.
How you have me so emotional.
Opening my scars.
I'm not used to bleeding through.
Slowly losing myself in you.
The way you make me feel is so hard to explain.
The little things you do, that drive me insane.
I hope one day I'll be able to tell you how I feel.
Until then,
let's just live,
let's just feel.

I thought everything would be alright.
Maybe If I had passed away that night.
Look at me mom.
Don't you care?
Am I the only one who sees the blood everywhere?
I can't get up.
I'm drained.
I'm weak.
And to think you barely gaze upon me makes me think.
Was I just an annoyance?
Was I just another sin?
The water is still running and my throat is shut.
I can't speak mom.
Can't you see my blood?

You look into my eyes.
I feel as though you gaze upon my soul.
Hair aside.
Touching lips.
The slightest touch, what lies ahead is untold.
Slow breath.
Hand and hand. Placed upon chest.
Heart beating.
Everything at rest.
Sudden seconds, feeling like eternity.
Flesh to flesh.
Heavy breath.
Arms caress.
Endless.
From bite marks placed on the  cheek to the attempt of tickling of the feet.
Untold.
Tiny giggles, trying to hold back.
In balance, everything I lack.

Steaming shower I begin to drift away.
Hot water flowing down my body.
Sensations I can't describe.
****** tension, I feel alive.
Pleasure coursing through my vains. Burning water, I love the pain.
Biting me along my waste.
You look like you could use a taste.
Push me against the wall.
Water dripping down me.
My little waterfall.
Bite my neck and grip my ***.
This feeling I long for to last.
Wanna go for a dive?
Grip me hard between my thighs.
Tying the rag so you stay in place.
Shower heads don't go to waste.
Begging for a little taste.
Eyes roll back in ecstasy.
Just whisper how badly you want me.

Hot breath.
Leaving me restless.
Slow heartbeat.
I lay out in defeat.
Messy hair.
Clothes everywhere.
I fall asleep and to my surprise when I wake..
You're still there.
Looking at me.
Gazing into my eyes
"I'm falling in love with you" is the first thing you say.
My heart tells me to run away, but I lay unable to move.
Then the craziest thing happens..
"I already fell for you"

Inside I'm dying slowly.
All those around see my fixated smile.
Holding back tears, I've been drowning.
Head plunged into a bottomless depth.
Forcing a smile trying to keep out the water.
Unable to hold this fixture.
Everyone is beginning to see the actual picture.
Choking on words.
My vision becomes blurred.
Cold filling my lungs.
I can't breath I try to run.
Held down I can barely catch my breath.
Then splash forced back into the blue abyss.

Young and invincible.
Do you really think the bullet is going to miss you?
Preconceived ideas.
The time flies by in these young years.
You think you are young and invincible, no one is invincible.
Death is a fate in which we all share.
Don't think you were superior due to an outfit that you wear.
So you think you are invincible? Here, hold this to your head. Pull the trigger.  
I can guarantee your death.
Oh, why are you shaking?
Why the heavy breath?
I thought you were "invincible", superiority at it's best.
Death is something you can't escape.
Talk about invincible, Death is our  fate.

Oh, "father" do claim me as your own? Claim me as your forgotten child, 17 years, alone..
A shame, you miss me grow. Turn into the beautiful woman that leaves men in woe.  
Oh, "father" I think I need some help. Words cannot explain to you the pain I felt.
Innocence lost of such a young age.
A father who doesn't even care whether his child's a victim of ****.
Knowing you are alive and you truly don't care.
What, do you think that a holiday card would get anywhere?
To make up for the things you've done.
No matter where I go, I have nowhere to run.
Oh,  "father" I wrote you just once, a call out of distress, a call from my heart.
The things I've heard.. is what they say true?
Should me being raised to hate you, truly be where  my heart subdues?
I wish to believe there is good in a "man" who roams around freely without grasping his child's hand.  
Oh, "father" I have it much more to say.. I'll leave the rest for another day.

Love is when you put someone else's needs before yours.
The misguided love that everyone ever so "needs" to follow.
Nearly one's whole heart in just a single swallow.
The idea of constant gifts and receipts.
Merely leads to greed and deceit.
Love is priceless, who are you at cost?
One's heart has so much value, I mean who would have thought.
It isn't what it always appears to be, love can be hidden is not always what it seems.
Shouldn't it be enternal? Not based on material items.
Based on what you feel as one. Not just some item.
Cloaked as chocolates and precious jewels.
This is what we call love for the fools.

I wish I could erase you, erase all the time we spent.
The kisses you would place upon me ever so tenderly followed by the bruises you would leave on my neck and chest.
The tears would stream down my face and you would tell me you loved me.
You wanted us to run away.
I was the one who should have ran free.
I tried to go and you pulled me by the hand, got aggressive with me again, And you call yourself a man.
Our love-hate relationship.. where was the love.
Given the opportunity to have never have met you.
I would turn it down for you made me strong out of your own weakness, that's why I'm forever bound.
Trying to erase the pen leaving nothing but a smudge.
I guess some things are better left untouched.

I feel alone in this crowd.
I feel complete silence surrounded by infinite sounds.
I appear to you was happy when I am only filled with doubt.
You are too quick to judge, too quick to hold a grudge.
Do you think you know me?
Know who I really am?
Know what I've been through.. know what I've seen.
You see through societies eyes.
Absence from your own view.
When I think about it?
Do you really know the real you?

Feelings unbalanced.
The heavy weight of what I want and what's good for me.
Parts of you drift in my mind.
The sanctions of time, I just wanted you to be mine.
I deserve better and I know that.
But parts of me still feel your impact.
You came rushing towards me creating feelings I cannot describe.   You were my high, I always wanted you by my side.
Please.
Release your grip.
Loving you is toxic.
I feel my lungs collapsing.
Why do you get me like this.
Knots and twists.
Then again there's another.
Feelings pure and alike.
How am I still stuck on your poison when he is granting me eternal life.
You are slowly killing me and he is keeping me alive.
I'm stuck between what I want and what I need.
Help me.
I'm unstable, parts of my heart shattered and loving you was just a fable.
Merely hearing your name and the memories begin to choke me.
Sort of how you would provoke me. I regret everything left unsaid.
All of this uncertainty coursing through my head.
The heavy weight of what I want and whats good for me?
Why won't your presence just let me be..

Thoughts linger in my mind.
The panting.
Quivering of my ***.
I'm fine.
Alone I begin to shift.
Our previous engagement.
I want it all the time.
Sweaty bodies entwined.
I love you body and soul.
Together the feeling of whole.
Lingering thoughts I lose control.
Tracing the lines on my upper thigh. The printed memories you left behind.
Hands grazing down my ***.
Heartbeat racing.
My fingers are next.
Pulling my hair back grasping for air. Yes, right there.

Souls.
Intertwined.
Longing.
A force keeping souls apart.
For what reason?
Bodies are separate, but souls are whole.
When the spark of the soul is ignited, you can try your hardest, but you can't fight it.
An internal spark of friction.
Always some sort of confliction.
Severe asphyxiation.
Hearts beat.
Logic depleting.
Hearts may want what they want, but souls are bound as one.
Some cases an unfortunate love.
The feeling of one.
You know that they are in love, but they can't be.
Abiding, endlessly.
Destined lovers who cannot be.
Love.
The greatest tragedy.

Your stare burns at my flesh.
Biting my lip I try not to blush.
The fact that you are starring only makes me hot.
Turning the sensations within my ***** into a continuous motion.
The thoughts begin to surpress my mind.
**** I think to myself.
Exactly, ****.
All I want in that brief moment.
Push me against the wall while holding my arms up.
Own me.
Pull my hair and **** my chest.
Just **** me.
Are these thoughts some sort of test.
No longer able to remain still my legs begin to quiver.
Biting my lip, I long for your lips down on my lips.
One quick shiver.