You ask me what I'm doing.
I reply "nothing", as I lay ******* smoking away my pain.
He makes me feel this way.
Insecure and unsure.
Fantasizing lips among breast.
Pressure upon chests.
Drowning out the pain leaving me soaking wet.    
Distant strangers.
Fantasy of someone that's not mine.
Constant aching all the time.
No attachment just attraction.
Smoking away your name.

I know you still lie to me.
Each time breaking my heart.
Maybe this whole relationship is a lie.
Has been from the start?
Lie after lie.
Each time I deny,
The fact that you know it hurts me.
You know it hurts me..
Yet, you continue to do it.
Reoccurring dreams with the gun held to my head.
I blew it.
I know you lie to me.
I lie to you too.
Every time I say yes to being happy with you.
The scar of a smile that has been etched on my face.
Void where my heart used to be.
As there is no trace.
Happiness attached to mere memories not to what is in front of me.
I know you still lie to me.
I even lie to myself.
Loving you just can't  be helped.
Not loving you is the lie I tell myself.

A faint breath as I held the gun to my head.
Attempts were made before.
Never before have I been so sure.
So insecure..
Stolen gun and a stroll in the night.
The night that I took my life.
Everything seemed so right.
Heartbeat no longer fast.
I had to hurry up and act.
Before they got back.
I was losing track of placing notes alongside their bedroom doors.
Notes that has been written months in advance.
Never had the courage.
Always had the chance.
Letter to my lover which I kept by my side.
What's the point of being alive if you don't feel alive?
Maybe it was all a mistake.
Who will know.
If only they paid attention they would've known.
The funny part is most will think this is just a poem.

She isn't going through a phase
Shes going through *hell

I beg you now.
From the moment you stole my heart I've been at your mercy.
Tell me...
Tell me you don't really love me so my heart can stop beating.
Tell me you don't love me so all this pain and heartache has no meaning.
You tell me you love me and I'm slowly dying inside.
From all the lies that you would hide.
How I wish I wasn't alive..
I love you more than I love myself.
You.
Always full of pride.
Blind to see what's in front of you.
Lingering thoughts now.
I'm insecure.
Would you rather me be a *****?
Rather I don't care and want nothing more?
You are killing me.
Just tell me you don't love me.
Then I'll vacation from this reality.
I'm tired of killing each other slowly.

In the land of liars,
the honest man
must
be
crucified.

Trust is like time.
Once lost,
It can never return.