I told myself that I'd be fine.
Can't believe I fell for my own lie.
For the thousandth time.
"I'm fine. I'm fine."
I tell myself the same thing.
Everything is fine.
All the time.
Every time.

They tell you that you are beautiful, for a day.
Would they still think you were beautiful if they knew you wished your life away.
Waking up everyday doubting yourself.
"I hate myself.."
"But you have so much worth"
If only you knew..
The constant struggle of being insecure.
The struggle of being a girl..
Lower classmen
"EQUALS"
**** and abuse.
All of that means nothing to you.
Wake up in my flesh and see if you can last the day.
Walking astray the men watch you..
Stalk you like prey.
But everything is supposed to be okay?
"You are beautiful. You have worth"
Clearly beautiful with a ripped shirt covered in dirt.
Brush it off.
Wipe a smile on your face.
Trying to please the standard.
Learning one's place.
Get over yourself.
You simply don't understand.
Constantly being hurt.
Insecurity driving you deeper in the ground.
Absence of sound.
Lacking confidence due to negligence  
So much worth..
If I have so much worth why is there this much hurt?
Why am I pushed into dirt and expected to act as if everything is okay?
I'm just "beautiful" to you.
Not seeing me any other way.
My own being as if that mattered anyway.
I smile as I feel my inner self fade away.

Towards the house you can hear the yelling.
Walking in..
Why did I walk in...
Table broken.
Veins popping on a crimson face.
Suicidal tendencies.
The urge taking place.
Not feeling at home, in your own home.
Rushing upstairs you're better off alone.
Always something new, everyday.
Transcending into a distant place.
Old habits coming back.
Everything in a flash.
Acquire protection before it's too late.
Seems as though those around you control your fate..
Numb.
Always numb.
Bringing you down when you need them the most.
Perfect family?
It's all a hoax.

Dew drops trickling down the grass.
Laying in this field with you and the times continues to pass.
Sun shining on my face.
I love this feeling.
I love the dew drops dripping on your face.
Singing to me softly, making my heart swoon.
Rolling around in poppy flowers, waiting for the moon.
Getting up running to get feisty.
"C'mon baby, get up and catch me."
Chase me. Chase me.
You know you want to taste me.
Beads of sweating glazing down my back and breast.
Rolling in a poppy field.
The sun begins to rest.
Poppy seeds. Poppy seeds.
When were done weak in the knees.
"C'mon baby, get up and catch me."
Moonshine and fireflies.
World's spinning around your thighs.
You make me feel alive.
*Baby you are my high.

If only they knew the constant struggle of everyday.
People telling you it'll be "okay"
Waking up wishing that you wouldn't one day.
Starring into a distance slowly losing your self.
Not caring about mental or physical health.
If only they knew the smile on your face wasn't real.
If only they knew you were reaching the point where you couldn't feel.
Numbness.
Yes, that sounds right about now.
Sitting in silence.
But my thoughts are so loud.
The promise.
No longer feeling the need to keep.
Crying on knees.
"I'm weak."
Save me..
Next day nothings change.
I continue to smile so they don't see my pain.
I continue to act like everything is the same.
Continue to allow these thoughts to drive me insane.

Drip. Drip. Drip.
Rain is normally a tranquility.
Yet, today my insomnia is taking over me.
I close my eyes..
Drip. Drip. Drip..
Wide open again.
Torment
Another night of sleep taken from me.
I begin to slip back into sleep.
Drip.
Lighting up Jamaican incense.
Thinking about nothingness.  
I swear the rain is bringing out the affliction, bringing out the pain.
I stay awake thinking about you.
Wishing you could feel my pain.
Thoughts driving me insane.*
I can't sleep.
I love the rain, but tonight my insomnia is taking over me.
No longer able to sleep.
I run outside letting the rain drench all over me.
Oh how I love the rain.
Thank you again, Insomnia, my dear friend.