The faint smell of cigar will always linger on my neck.
The whiskey you spilled on me always on my breast.
A friendly night out is all you asked for.
Shoving me into the room.
"You can't leave, it's too soon."
Slamming the door.
"GET UNDRESSED."
Stammering while you walk.
Twisting my arm, falling to the floor.
"Get up. Get up. Be my little *****."
I knew "just friends" was just some little joke.
Turning around swooping hands.
Choke.  
Against the wall a piercing shove.
"You know you are the girl I've always loved?"
Crumbled up money put into my mouth.
"Kiss me and tell me you love me on your way out."
I'll never forget the way you told me you loved me..
Before you blew your brains out.

Heart is aching.
Fingers are shaking.
Slowly I can feel my heart is breaking.
Sharp pains in my chest.
These thoughts becoming my slow death.
How do I suppress these thoughts?
Please just put me to rest.
Dreams are better than reality.
I wish things were better.
Believe me.
Feelings that I can't control.  
Falling deep into this world of words.
My vision and coordination, everything is blurred.
The only clarity I have is with the one thought.
Thousands of words left unsaid every word in which I have felt.
My sanity drifting away.
*Maybe one day.

The fact that your no longer here.
Your presence stands besides me.
Residing on the tip of my tongue.
You linger.
Memories,Oh how fun.
Lifeless body.
Such cold hands.
I  long for the warmth of your lips Yet, I can't even feel warmth in your hands.
This wasn't part of my plan.
Falling for you..
Falling..
I continue to fall
Into the icy depths of hell.
You said you would catch me?
Yet, I continue to fall.
You lit the ignition deep within my frozen heart.
Now I'm burnt and you are no where to be found.
No where to be found..
Your lifeless body is all that's left now.

I still remember the day I ******* up.
The day I let down my walls.
Giving you access to my trust.
More like I fell off of my walls instead of letting them down.
My own walls blocking me out.
I don't know where I am now.
I'm am lost in my thoughts.
I hear this constant beating.
My heart.?
Why am I bleeding.
Preconceived ideas of us meant to be.
How could I have walked into this so blindly.
I trust you..
That's why this hurts.
My invulnerability.
Are you to any worth?

I wait for your reply.
Any minute now..
The feeling of addiction starring into a distance as if hours go by.
Biting skin off my lip.
It's time for my high.
Any minute now..
Any minute.
I think to myself then I get lit.
Inhale and exhale.
The cold feeling on my lips.
Maybe if I take off my belt.
Time to take a quick stick.
I lay back feeling numb.
Eyes rolling back.
I wanna go for a run.
Opening my window I long to spread my wings.
Woah, the breeze pushing back I'm feeling dizzy.
You reply, at last.
My heart, beating fast.
I can't breathe feeling so alive.
You.
The reason I love to get high.

It hurts that I can't be with you.
I've become addicted to this numbness.
It's my fault I feel this way.
I allow myself to be hurt only to continue hurting either way.
My heart is telling me to leave.
But I'm persistent.
This hurt is unlike any I've known before.
Please, I can't take no more.
I long for your smile.
Every moment with you is worth while.
Actual happiness.
My heart and face flush,
I stutter on my words.
I just speak.
Consistent smiles
Continuously laughing.
Time flies by so quickly when I'm with you.
Everything that he is lacking.
Why am I so confused?
*Why can't I just end the hurt.
And just be with you..

Every time you look at me I swear my heart skips a beat.
Stop.
This feeling. Why do my knees get weak?
Why can't I speak?
Whenever I'm around you I swear I can't breathe.
But then I open my mouth and constant words fall out.
Unable to control my speech.
You don't realize what you do to me.
Feelings please leave.
Get out.
Your touch lingers on my skin.
The heat leaves when you move your hand and I am shivering.
Being told I don't have a heart.
"Always so serious.. why don't you smile?"
All they ever say.
But,
with you I could smile all day.
Melting..
All my anger melting away.
I could be with you everyday.
If only everyday wasn't so far away.