I feel like I'm sinking.

Drowning.

It's
      
       getting

                      harder

                                     to

                                             *B
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"How'd you sleep?"
Good

I didn't, I never do

"How was school?"
Good

It's full of ******* ******* and hypocrites

"How are your friends doing?"
Good

I don't know, they don't talk to me anymore

"How are you?"
Good

**I'm screaming inside, can anyone hear me?!

I didn't dress up this year for Halloween.
I just didn't feel like it.
But honestly, I didn't need to.
Im dressed up everyday, as a ghost.
Because ghosts are invisible right?
They walk the hall, classrooms, and even their own homes and no one notices them...or believes in them.
Most of those that do believe in them though are frightened.
Especially after they truly see them.
So I guess Im good at being a ghost, it sure makes halloween a lot easier.
But every other day a living nightmare.

It's amazing how fast a year can go by.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday.
That sweet day in May.
I remember waking up to a text, "Your sister is in labor."
I think I smiled bigger than I ever have before.
I was so anxious all day.
I had a tournament that day too.
We had just finished our game and I checked my phone.
I saw the message, with a picture attached.
A picture of you.
And while everyone was happy and estatic that we had won,
I had joy in my heart because you were finally here,
After all those long months that never seemed to end, you were finally here.

I remember the day your mom told me she was pregnant with you.
I remember all the days I spent with her while she had never ending morning sickness.
Helping her take care of the house and your sisters.
The sickness never seemed to go away.
I remember that day in class when my ***** sent me a text.
It's a boy!
I was so happy I screamed with excitement.
Everyone turned to look at me but I didn't are.
All I cared about in that moment was you.

I remember the day they brought you home.
I got to hold you for the very first time that night.
I fell in love instantly.
You looked so peaceful wrapped up in that blanket.
Your eyelids flutterling.
Your chest falling and rising with every breath you took;
because you were finally here.
And you were beautiful.
The days and months started to pass and you grew with every passing day.
I watched in awe.
I loved seeing you learn to crawl,
then stand on your own,
then walk.
Now starting to form tiny words.
You are growing into such a handsome big boy.
But you will always be my little bug.

Like maybe speed.
That way I could run far away
So you aren't the one that has to find me

I've been here before
I've knocked on this door
And now that it's open again I can't get it closed.
As I walk through the doorframe
of saddness and shame
I walk into a place that seems full of hate
This place is so dark, so lifeless and black,
it's an ongoing tunnel that makes me feel sad.
As I walk on and try to find a way out,
All the faces around me are full of judging thoughts and doubt.
This place is so cold.
I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.
I've fallen into hell.
But when I turn for the door,
it is not that which I find.
It's the realization
that I'm inside my own mind.

Sitting here doing this project at 12 o'clock at night;
I have to answer the question "Who am I?"
It's an interesting question,
and I can't answer it.
Because I don't know who I am anymore.
I just know that I'm not alright.

I'm sorry I'm not thin enough
I'm sorry I'm such a ***** up
I'm sorry that I don't always have the best attitude
I'm sorry I'm such a mess
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.
But don't worry.
I'll be gone soon.
I won't be in your way anymore

*Im sorry I couldn't hold on

I've had quite a few people ask me for advice about high school lately. I keep just telling each person the same things.
~Don't skip class.
~Turn in assignments on time.
~Listen to teachers.
~Don't party, drink, smoke...
All the same basic stuff anyone would probably tell an incoming freshmen friend. In reality though, I'm a hypocrite.
Every time another person asks I just want to scream
DON'T BE LIKE ME
But I can't say that to anyone, because then they would ask what was so wrong with me.
And I can't tell them because then this fake me will come unraveled.
All that will be left is a scared little girl.
So...
~Don't skip class
~Turn in assignments on time.
~Listen to teachers
~Don't party, drink, smoke...
And for everyones sake...
**DON'T BE LIKE ME

You see her smile.
You see her laugh.
You think everythings fine as she walks into class.
You think she's got it together.
You think nothings wrong.
You dont see how much shes been hurting for so long.
She comes off strong.
Never to show she is weak.
But when the night comes, tears are all she sees.
She's tried to stay strong, even as everything goes wrong.
But she's not sure how much longer she'll be around.

you know the last time you saw me
you told me to "Tell mama I love her"
you knew something was off
but to me you never said goodbye

I always get my hopes up,
just to have them crushed.
Things are great for a while,
I feel such a rush.
I start to think maybe this time it will actually be,
but then it fades to nothing more than a memory.
I always get my hopes up,
just to watch them fall.
Maybe I should just give up,
no one would really care at all.

Just want you to know I love you.
I care.
Im worried.
And most of all Im here.

Let's just run away.
Let's just get drunk.
Yeah that sounds about right.
*Lets just run away and get drunk

How dare you?
How dare you go and break her like that?
How can you tell her you love her, yet say you don't want to be with her?
Did it make you happy, when you saw all those tears streaming down her face?
She has been hurt enough.
And you know that.
Think of everything she has told you about her past.
Her family, her dad, her stepmom.
She's been broken down enough in the past.
You were the thing that built her back up.
You were the one who changed things for her.
Do you know how much you mean to her?
I don't know if you have any clue.
You know, you're lucky your bigger than me.
If you weren't, I'd be out of my mind to not kick your ***.
How dare you do this.
She is my bestfriend.
She doesn't deserve this.
She doesn't deserve to cry herself to sleep.
She doesn't deserve to have to hide tears.
The ones you caused
She doesn't deserve to be torn down to nothing.
She gave you everything.
Literally.
And all you gave her was a broken heart.
How dare you?

Do you know what it's like?
To walk in the room and immediately wanting to leave.
Do you know how it feels to look around as everyone waits for coach to show up
Knowing no one really wants you there.
No one would notice if you were gone.
Do you know what it's like,
To feel hated.
By every single person you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel like me?

I can't even begin to describe the way I feel in this moment.

I'm hurt.

I feel used.

I'm confused.

But most of all,

I'm curious...

Why the **** did you have to be the one to break me?

I am 100%

So completely

Utterly

And without a single doubt,

In love with you

Every single part and ounce of me longs for you.

**I don't know if I've ever wanted anyone more than I want you

but every midnight poem is about him

People tell me over and over again that they'll be here for me no matter what.

But every phone call goes straight to voicemail

All the texts go unanswered

*my cry for help is always ignored

I cant do this.
I don't know how to go on.
Daddy please come back.
I'm really not that strong.

I fell in love with the little things really.
I fell in love with the way you say my name, the way it rolls off your tongue like smooth velvet.
I fell in love with the way you laughed,
And also with the way you made me laugh once again.
I fell in love with your eyes, the deep blue reminding me of the ocean; my favorite place.
I fell in love with your honesty,
You're broken and not afraid to let it show.
I fell in love with the way I feel so safe in your arms,
When you let me cry and you kiss my forehead telling me it'll be alright.
I fell in love with our car rides,
Singing along to every song we knew; our voices blending in perfect harmony.
I fell in love with the way you complete me,
Finally filling the emptiness I've felt for so long.
I fell in love with your honesty,
Never keeping a single detail from me.
I fell in love with evey ounce of you.
I fell in love with the way you love me too.

My heart stopped for a second.
We got onto highway 49 and traffic was stopped.
There was an accident.
Thoughts raced through my head.
I hope everyone made it.
I hope no one is too terribly hurt.
I hope it wasn't you.
I know you live down this way and the thought of that made me sick.
We slowly got through the traffic and I held my breath.
The closer we got to the scene the harder I prayed it wasn't you.
Finally,
we passed it.
Your car wasn't there and neither were you.
Relief rushed over me and finally,
I could breathe again.

Why do you insist on doing this to me?
Hurting me over and over again.
Was my love not enough?
I was always the one who never gave up on you,
though I had a million reasons to.
I guess I just knew that somewhere inside you there was a fragil boy.
Someone who was at the edge of a clif ready to jump.
Reaching out for anyone to hold onto to.
So I grabbed you and didnt let go,
and I still dont want to.
But now you insist that I let go.
Let go of all the memories, talks, stories.
Everything.
But I cant, every day it haunts me.
If you really want me to let go, then Ill have to leave this place.
Say goodbye.
Slip into the darkness of nothingness.
If you insist.

I have this card for you
it's not much;
but I'm hoping it'll mean something.

I guess this is how its going to end.
After all this time, were just going to leave it at this?
Sitting in the same room, within feet of each other.
Not saying a single word.
I stare until you look over, then I look away.
I can feel you starting, I look over...
and you turn the other cheek.
What happened to the old us?
We used to just stare into each others eyes.
Then our eyes finally meet.
The awkward eye contact.
The awkward conversation.
We used to sit and talk for hours, telling secrets no one else knew.
It was never this awkward before, so what happened?
Howd we end up like this?
We lost everything.
you walked away
Why?
Once upon a time, we had so much.
Now we have to say goodbye,
Left with nothing.

When you've lost everything you love
And everything that matters
Nothing else really matters to you anymore.
Because what else is there to lose?

And once again her so called friend,
will leave her to go off with yet another guy.
And once again she'll be alone at lunch,
sitting in the bathroom while she cries.

I call you a trouble maker because you got detention.  
But really it's because you're a thief.
You stole something very fragile of mine.
*please be careful with my heart

And even though the cut this time was an accident, it felt good and I didn't cry.

*And even though you always see me smiling, all I really want is to die

I was warming up tea and I put it in for a little too much time.
But it was too long so my tea boiled over and made a mess.
But that didn't mean I could never make tea again.
It just meant I had to wipe it up better and be more careful next time.
This reminded me of life.
That sometimes things bombard your life and everything happens at once.
And what happens?
You break
You boil over
But no matter what it is, not matter how much it hurts.
You just have to pick yourself up.
Brush off your hands.
And smile a little longer.

Nights are getting longer.
I lay in bed just staring at the celing.
Days are getting harder.
Due partly to the lack of sleep.
Partly because It's getting harder to pretend I'm not falling apart.
Every time someone says "How are you?"
I just want to pour my heart out.
Finally let someone know I'm not okay.
Or when I say,
"I'm good."
I just want someone to look me in the eye and say "I know you're not."
For once I don't want to feel invisible.
More and more tears stream down my face
The pain wells inside until I break.
Silver steel friends coming out to play.
I do my best, but it's never enough.
I do my best to stay strong,
but I won't lie...it's tough.
I don't really trust anyone anymore,
I have my past to thank for that.
You see, I try my hardest day in and day out...
but really I just want to lay down.
Six feet under.
Underground.

Why are you so tired you just had two extra days off of school**

The thing is though,
The tiredness I feel can't be relieved.
There are not enough minutes, hours, days, months, or years of sleeping that could cure the tiredness I feel.
No amount of sleep will get rid of the weariness I feel.
You see, although I do not sleep much because of the never ending nightmares.
I am more worn from having to drag myself out of bed every morning.
Paint on the smile.
Pile the coverup on my wrists.
My heart feels so heavy.
My mind is overwhelmed.
You see, no amount of sleep could cure the tiredness inside me.

My lounges burn.
My body shakes.
My eyes are
                        F
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**But no longers do my eyes sting from salty tears.
Say goodbye to trembling from neverending nightmares.
Sweet dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Every night I'm afraid I won't get to give you a hug again in the morning.

Every morning I'm afraid that when I say goodbye for school, it's really just goodbye.

Every day I'm afraid I'm going to come home and you won't be here.

Your body will be here, but your soul...

taken home...

*Daddy please don't go

Daddy found the website.
He asked me what it was.
I told him that I didn't know.
I'd never seen it before.
Sweet lies rolling off my tongue so my secrets wouldn't be poured out like sour milk.
So that's why now I've changed my name.
I'm still the same writer, same person, same girl.
I'm just full of hidden damage.
I've been torn apart by this world