I feel like ******* **** and I don't know how to change that because my heart is being ripped open again and I don't think I can survive this repetitive surgery someone please save me

And everything I'd been holding in
for a long time came out in sweet, painful relief. And the tears kept rolling, and the emotions kept coming, and the thoughts of everything I'd fought to forget came rushing to meet my eyes. And my face was wet with the continuous beat of my tears hitting the ground. And I gave into the quiet sadness.

jesus christ i can't think straight he loves someone else and this smile on my face is burning my skin there's nothing i can do to make it go away there is this lightness in my body begging me to open up my skin and i don't know if i can ignore it any longer but oh it feels so good to have my heart ripped out again

The funny thing is, I understand those stupid, cliche songs and movies now. I get that stupid feeling where your heart jumps out of your chest when you see "him". Because everytime I see you, my heart thumps in a hard, scary way. I feel like my heart might burst from my chest cavity. But no, this feeling doesn't come from joy of seeing you. I'm terrified of you. I can't seem to stop seeing you. And it horrifies me. Why won't you just leave, leave my brain, leave my memory. Just please, go away. I don't think I can hold myself together any longer to stay away from you.

I'm scared because..I think I'm in love with you. But I'll never have you and you've done it all and I'm just an empty shell and you're the whole sky so how can I compare to your brilliance when I could never give you as much? How can I even think of the possibility that I could ever have you when I'll never see you again and you'll never have me? It's silly and sad and I really don't need it but I need you and isn't that the same thing? What is so wrong with me? All I can do is ask questions and I'm going insane because no one, not even myself can answer them and now I know I'm falling into this black pit hell they call love.

It's midnight and all I can think about is his curly hair, and the way his lips curl when he tells a joke and the way he'll never look at me and how somehow deep down when I said I wouldn't do this, here I am, leading myself on into thinking this has a happy ending it doesn't dreams don't come true it can't come true how can I be set free when he is the one anchoring me.

I saw you last week for the first time in a long time.
You looked good, happy.
And I had to wonder if
All this time, you were thinking of me at all.
Because the fear and grief you caused me when my eyes laid on you has left me even more scarred.
I'll never be rid of you, will I?

I'VE LIED TO MYSELF TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO BE WORKING THIS POUNDING IN MY BODY AND MIND IS GIVING ME A SIGN I WON'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE CAN'T THEY SEE THAT I NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP IT AWAY I NEED TO FORGET PLEASE LET ME FORGET

What is about to happen before you will be real. There are no mixed up words thought up to confuse the reader. It's time to confess and tell what I've had to hold inside. There's only the truth and the only ******* way to say it: I'm miserable. I've been miserable for far too long. A year ago today, I was changed forever and all I ever believed was taken from me. Love used to be this golden thing I could not wait to hold in my hands. But now, it's a poisonous cancer deep in the root of my heart that I can't touch for fear I'll be frozen forever. I am too much. I love too much. I care too much. I'm there too much. I pare too much. I am just too much. I could write a million songs about what has happened to me and none of them would fix my heart. None of them would help me heal. I once loved a boy, and truly loved, but he couldn't be bothered to keep me. He showed me what it was to really feel pain. Afterwards, it seemed like all I could do was lose people. All I had done was lose people. All I could do was be hurt. I was a punching bag
people got their kicks out of and when they were finished, they left, I stood there, more beaten than before. And it continued. A never ending cycle I could never end unless I end myself. How is it that something can make us so weak yet so strong? And how can we want it so much and despise it so?  I have forced myself to grow cold, emotionless. It is much easier than being emotionally invested in people and to just lose it all. For a while, it worked. Hell, I even didn't feel a thing for quite some time. Mostly anger. No sadness. But that grief, that suffocating sadness, has never truly left. It has wrung clearly within me and it is trying to escape through my throat in agonized screams of fear. Fear that I am finally breaking out and feeling the loss I have had to try and keep inside. A loss I could never find the words to end correctly.  Though I am trying to fight, I am weaker than before. So I will grow stronger, I will lose these disposable feelings like a camera with no film, and I will protect myself like I always have. I will be ok. Free.  And you can never hurt me again. I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN YOU WILL NOT BRING ME TO THE KNEES OF DEATH ONCE AGAIN I WON'T LET YOU I WON'T LET YOU I WON'T I WON'T PLEASE LEAVE ME BE LET ME LIVE CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'll ONLY MAKE IT WORSE? I HAVE TO BE FREE OF THIS CANCER, THIS DISEASE I HAVE TO BE FREE OF LOVE. I HAVE TO BE FREE. Please. I cannot do this anymore.

I saw a picture of you yesterday.
And I have to say, you looked ok.
I forced myself into believing you
didn't own me anymore,
that my smile wasn't yours to take away anymore.
But I was wrong.
So, so wrong.
But I guess I'm ok.

I don't want to write about you anymore.
But my heart is so full of you,
That I have to.
I dedicate song, by song to you.
Hoping the music will make you understand.
Should I sing my heart out to you, to make you understand?
Should I pour out every drop of love inside me,
Even if I don't get it back?
Tell me what you're feeling.
Is it love, or is it friendly?
Should I run or should I stay?
It's killing me to love this way.
I've been here before and it's not a good place.
I'd like to be safe, where ever you
are.
But I can't make you love me if you don't.
So maybe I won't.

Trying to forget you
Is like not getting a hit.
I'm addicted to you,you're the disgusting, so lovely drug I can't contain in my thoughts.

Your beauty makes it hard to breathe.
It makes it hard to hide my heart.
Although I can't get enough of you
You make me feel so blue.

My skin is yours to slice away.
I couldn't stop you if I tried.
You get inside and turn the tide
So I must inflict pain on the outside.

Although I've tried to let you go
If you love me I have to know.

I love you
So, so much.
But my god,
Do I want to punch you.
Jealousy explodes in the pit of my stomach
When you say how loving she is.
I want to rip out this anger.
I want to stop shaking so much
Every time you tell me how much
She means to you.
But I just can't get that burning anger
Out of my heart.
And this hostility
Will finds its way to you.
Even though it would feel
So amazing to hurt you
Like you're hurting me.
I just can't do it.
So please don't cause me
This horrible burning any longer.

You tell yourself you're never going to do it again; the thing that lets you pour out your emotions. But you know you just can't live without it, even if it's hurting you and the people around you. You know that next time you feel empty, worthless, useless, that it will be the only thing you can think to do, that will, at least, temporarily, set you free. And that is what addiction is.

I now know I'm not the type of girl who hooks up and runs. Love is in my blood. But I also know I'll never be your type of girl. And that leaves me open and empty.

I don’t want to be
That stupid, love-sick girl
I have always been.
I burned her remains in
The fires of my heart
Long ago.
And I don’t want her back.

But here you suddenly are.
So beautiful in every way, every aspect.
That you have come to make me
That girl again.
The one who hopes again.
The one who prays for love.


You’ve destroyed my perfectly
Constructed walls.
And I’m tightly clinging on
For all I know.
I don’t think you could ever
Make me feel so low.

But then you tell me about her.

The way she smiles when you kiss her.
The way she touches you, late
When the moon is out alone.
And I tell you how happy
I am for you, how great I
Think it is.

Because these are the things friends tell each other.
I know I should feel a
Sparkling happiness for you.
But all I feel is a burning
In my stomach and a pain
In my heart and I know again.

This is what it is to feel your heart die again.

There’s no hope. No love. There’s only me
Trying time and time again to run
Away from my own skin.

Protect me from all the terrible stuff.
When I'm around you I feel safer.
Let me know what it's like to sleep, at peace, in your arms. Please hurry, I don't have much time.
This candle's burning out, I'm almost in lonely darkness. Please help me. You're all I have left. Put a smile on my face, don't leave me for dead.

It's so funny
How after a while
You learn to hide all the bad stuff
Knowing you shouldn't tell
Not wanting to bother a single soul
With your irreverent pangs