i wanna dream of outer space
of skipping rocks on starry lakes

i wanna balance on a cloud
while lightning strikes up through the ground

kiss my eyelids goodnight
and whisper secrets to the sky

watch it all float away
and disappear
as the willow branches sway
and the wind’s songs haunt my ears

i wanna dance on the moon’s face
and wave at all of you
from space
showing off my tiny arms
and proving time is just a waste

i
could
show
you
another world
or two

we could roast weenies on the sun
and show everyone
just how far we’ve come

i like to smoke ***
and i like it a lot
they warned me
as a kid
it would make
my brain rot

but it helps take away the pain
whether physical
or in my brain
i can take a ****,
and when i smoke,
i choke away
the strain

i was always told
i'd start feeling old
and end up
with the memory of
a fish
that is gold

but no matter how much
i smoke
no matter
how much
i drink
i'm left with the
memory of an elephant
i just can't forget
i still always think

my past haunts
my present
and will haunt
my future, too
i'm stuck to my
memories
like industrial-strength glue

sticky
with bits of
yesterday
taped to my face
unable to let go
and let new things
take its place

no,
i never made it
to jupiter
i didn't
even
make it
to mars

i never reached
high enough
to grab the moon
i never got
singed
by any stars

i've traveled
a few thousand miles
yet
have still stood in place

never quite made it
to the sky

never
drew a smile
on my face

these toes
have been
set in tar
never meant
to leave
these feet

never meant
to run too far
set and
stuck
into one street

memory lane
can really
drive
a girl
insane
no matter
how far
i try to go
i'm not
allowed
to leave my brain

even if
i made it to jupiter
even if
i touched
the stars
it wouldn't help me
to forget
it wouldn't minimize
the scars

gravity
don't have ****
on me
and i
couldn't care less
about how much
you care
about me

i'm ******
no matter
which path
i may lead
so what i need
doesn't
really
matter
anyway
does it?

*******
and
****
me

you can
clearly
smell blood

you're like a shark

sniffing out the weak
looking for a way
to make
your mark

who do you think you're fooling?
mister "nice guy"

with your predatorial ways
preying on the weak
and trying to harpoon
your way
into my heart

as
if
i'll
even
bat
an
eye

i'm afraid
i'm not that sad
i'm not that lonely

writing is a way to
let out
the pain

not something to
bring you closer
to me

i don't want
anyone
close

in fact,
don't come
any closer

all my alarms
are going off

and i
don't think
i
could feel
much grosser

there was
a time when
i craved closeness
but i'm left
feeling
isolated

i have
done this
to myself
because of the
people
that i've
hated

but i'm more hurt
from the love
i've lost
than the love
i've
pushed away

i would trade you
all
so my dad
could live
another day

but he chose to die
and before long,
so might i

because who wants
to live
with
constant
tears
in
your
eyes?

i feel
it's easier
to start
with goodbyes

death keeps calling my name
and i'm trying to avoid the temptation
of answering

i see them all in my mind
maddy, and daddy, and matt
they're all waving to me
and i'm waving back
there they are,
waiting in the black
telling me that
once i say yes,
there's no turning back

death is dancing on the dirt
that will soon be my grave
and yelling to me that it's okay,
because all my friends are doing it
this way

i wish they had been stronger
and stayed longer
but i know just as well that it's exhausting
to pretend
that you want to be present
when you want it to end

it hurts
to fake a smile
when your eyes
are aching
from the tears
you're holding back

but none of us
ever
bother to
talk about that

secrets aren't secrets
unless they're kept confidential
i'm getting tired
of being hired
just to give up
living up
to my potential

my rhymes are old
but don't ever try
to hold
my pencil

your arms are too weak
and you'd only
stay inside
the stencil

can't you see
none of this is good enough for me?
i can't be satisfied
as easily
as you want me to be

i'm sick to my stomach
from spinning around
trying to keep
all my word ***** down
living most of my life
inside my head
because i'm too afraid
to pull any stars
down
from the sky
and i'm too stupid
to ask myself why

If I could turn back time
to when I was a kid
I would redo all
of the things that I did
Just so that I wouldn't have to
relive
all the hurt that I've felt,
and the lies that
I've fibbed

If I could go back once
to when I was young
I would redo
all the of things I had done
Just so I wouldn't have to regain
all the struggle I went through
to work on my pain

If I could just rewind
to an earlier time
To change all the mistakes,
and rewrite all the rhymes
I would take myself back
to when I was nine
When I didn't know better
and the world was still mine

If I could escape
to before I was born
I would go back
just so that I could warn
My mother that she never wanted me here
But I'd show her the life I'd created from fear
I'd point out my flaws, and my anxiety
That all grew because she didn't want me
I'd show her how I was always afraid
Because I was the unwanted baby she made
I'd tell her that I never felt good enough
And how she made my childhood rough
I'd point out the hatred I feel for myself
Because I always wished
I'd been born someone else

If I could turn back the clock
and return to the past
I'd realize
I was forced
to grow up too fast

Arlo Disarray© 03/06/2021

I've been living under a rock for so **** long,
that I've forgotten what the light outside is made of
Twigs and bugs
drift into my lungs
And my breath is rather salty,
it's rough and thick,
tearing me up a bit
every time I inhale

The sun disintegrates my skin away,
and I don't feel comfortable with my bones exposed like this
I'm not in pain from it,
but I'm ashamed

The sound of each vertebrae clicks
to the gentle sound of music
as I'm running away from my shadow
I've cast away everything else,
and there's no use in having it by my side
The only purpose it serves is to slow me down

And no, I haven't given up
That's where you're wrong
I'm simply sleeping,
I'm dreaming away

And although I may be fading,
it's okay now
Because I know this is what we're made for
And control is something we'll never be able to reach