dimmed lights hidden under the fake petals
fans spinning like a tornado when it's only one
joy division on the speaker and all i can write next is
your name

its only a matter of time
until i destroy the monster inside of me
so keep on treating me like this
and i'll be sure to leave a note
with my ******* blood on it
about how you were the one
who pulled the trigger on me
have it framed all around the world
and then i'll save the original copy for you
so you're going to have that ****** little note
eat you up alive for every breath you inhale

i can not make my mind to think
of what else to write to express this darkness
but to think of the darkness itself

like autumn leaves in october, i fell for you

i fell for you on our first date in april
it was so special, it was nothing more but
laughs and smiles and joy

i fell for you in may when you wished me a happy birthday
with a bouquet of daisies and brought me out for a picnic

i fell for you in june when your aunt june told me
how pants always confused you when you were nine
because there was always two holes and you only have one head

i fell for you in july when i surprised you with 17 reasons
why i love you on your 17th birthday and you kissed my forehead

i fell for you in august when we both went to a carnival
and i found out you were afraid of heights but braved yourself
to take the ride with me for you knew i did too

i fell for you on september, when you told me you had a dream
of losing me and you were so afraid your eyes were bleeding water
and you hugged me so tight

i fell for you in october when i couldn't handle the pain anymore
and turn to it to ease the pain and you came, mending my arms
and said to kiss you to ease the pain next time

i fell for you in november when we bought each other a mismatch christmas sweater for we had promised what to get for one another

i fell for you in december when you didn't answer my calls
and said you were busy at twelve in the morning

i fell for you in january when we didn't see each other for the whole month

i fell for you in february when the boys got the girls a bouquet of flowers
and you got me tears at the back of my eyes because you got a girl a flower too and it wasn't me

*(and in march, when it all ended,
i still fall for you all over again)

is it weird to want to stay bad?
and not being saved from my own ocean of depression

is it bad to not look for God?
because you think you're a sinner and you're ashamed?

am i a terrible living creature?
who says otherwise, doesn't truly knows me
for i am a terrible living creature
that deserves nothing more than suffocation and anguish

for every time i try to atone,
for every time i try to convalesce,
it all comes back down to where i last found myself
deep under my own ocean of depression

nobody tried to save me
for they thought it was a phase

they did not believe that i was ill
for i looked dead okay
but were the signs not clear enough?

no hand to hold
no voice to love
i am nowhere to be found

i am lost in my mind
lost in the tangled strings
lost in every possible way
and i can't seem to find myself
i don't know who i am or where

i don't know what i am writing
or if this can even be clarified as a sad poem
i don't know why i am crying
i don't know
i don't

help me figure this out
i swear to god i am lost
i can't find my way out
it's too dark in here
black blank
help me

sad songs are playing
rain is falling
on a sunday morning
and i'm crying like hell
this isn't right
this isn't it