dimmed lights hidden under the fake petals
fans spinning like a tornado when it's only one
joy division on the speaker and all i can write next is
your name

no hand to hold
no voice to love
i am nowhere to be found

i am lost in my mind
lost in the tangled strings
lost in every possible way
and i can't seem to find myself
i don't know who i am or where

i don't know what i am writing
or if this can even be clarified as a sad poem
i don't know why i am crying
i don't know
i don't

help me figure this out
i swear to god i am lost
i can't find my way out
it's too dark in here
black blank
help me

sad songs are playing
rain is falling
on a sunday morning
and i'm crying like hell
this isn't right
this isn't it

like autumn leaves in october, i fell for you

i fell for you on our first date in april
it was so special, it was nothing more but
laughs and smiles and joy

i fell for you in may when you wished me a happy birthday
with a bouquet of daisies and brought me out for a picnic

i fell for you in june when your aunt june told me
how pants always confused you when you were nine
because there was always two holes and you only have one head

i fell for you in july when i surprised you with 17 reasons
why i love you on your 17th birthday and you kissed my forehead

i fell for you in august when we both went to a carnival
and i found out you were afraid of heights but braved yourself
to take the ride with me for you knew i did too

i fell for you on september, when you told me you had a dream
of losing me and you were so afraid your eyes were bleeding water
and you hugged me so tight

i fell for you in october when i couldn't handle the pain anymore
and turn to it to ease the pain and you came, mending my arms
and said to kiss you to ease the pain next time

i fell for you in november when we bought each other a mismatch christmas sweater for we had promised what to get for one another

i fell for you in december when you didn't answer my calls
and said you were busy at twelve in the morning

i fell for you in january when we didn't see each other for the whole month

i fell for you in february when the boys got the girls a bouquet of flowers
and you got me tears at the back of my eyes because you got a girl a flower too and it wasn't me

*(and in march, when it all ended,
i still fall for you all over again)

they said to let it go
keep wander as the clock ticks
i will know who i am when it’s time to
but it’s been a while now and i am completely lost in the dark
trapped in my own soul with the absence of light
i said i wanted to die every ******* day
but even lord knows i fear death
for i have made sins more than i could ever count
and it has only been the fifteenth year

i was afraid of letting people know
the existence of the darkness inside me
and then an old man said,
"why should you? when it is what makes you a whole?"

i can not make my mind to think
of what else to write to express this darkness
but to think of the darkness itself

go go go
don't stay with me
if i ever begged you to
leave me before i destroy you

you don't understand
what you do, even the slightest
kills me to death and i don't understand either

i'm so weak
i'm so fragile
i'm so sensitive
and with just a slight poke with a needle
i'll detonate and let darkness take over me

i can't cope and neither can you
you are kind you are lovely
and i bring no good to you
so leave even if i beg you to stay

my thoughts ink down
things about you
when my mind plays
the memory of you
and it fires my bones
every time

jesus christ, your eyes

you have a man
they called it the man of the house
then you have the woman
they named it the housewife
they have kids
two girls and a boy
the boy was older
but people barely see him at home
now that he turned 23
the first girl has issues
always get into trouble
gets more of the attention
of the man and the woman
and then comes the second girl
she has a disturbing mind
everybody thinks she is faking it
when she mention of it
including the man and the woman
because she looks perfectly fine
maybe that's why she was chosen
to play the main character
in her school play
her acting was so convincing

my eyes are bleeding and i can't find my way home
nothing feels right anymore
i'm not letting them in, i'm not letting them go

i'm following this path that i have no idea where it's leading me to
and what terrifies me is that i'm letting them
to decide what i want and who i am turning into

is it weird to want to stay bad?
and not being saved from my own ocean of depression

is it bad to not look for God?
because you think you're a sinner and you're ashamed?

am i a terrible living creature?
who says otherwise, doesn't truly knows me
for i am a terrible living creature
that deserves nothing more than suffocation and anguish

for every time i try to atone,
for every time i try to convalesce,
it all comes back down to where i last found myself
deep under my own ocean of depression

nobody tried to save me
for they thought it was a phase

they did not believe that i was ill
for i looked dead okay
but were the signs not clear enough?

its only a matter of time
until i destroy the monster inside of me
so keep on treating me like this
and i'll be sure to leave a note
with my ******* blood on it
about how you were the one
who pulled the trigger on me
have it framed all around the world
and then i'll save the original copy for you
so you're going to have that ****** little note
eat you up alive for every breath you inhale

mummy daddy im ill
why wont you send me to the hospital
and let me get the help i need

he met her at the home for the ill
asked her why did she do what she did
she got her perplexing smirk
across her pale skin face
tilting her head right and left
as though her king was whispering
the answer into her ears

if they tell you
to be your own source
of happiness
thus, you should not
rely on others to pain you
as well

i beg you my king
cease this torment you cast upon me
i do not mind of the pain i feel
from the blood flowing from my skin
from the loud screaming coming from a mother
from a broken heart
but please do not torment me
with my own disturbed mind
for king, i have no control
over that pain at all
and its driving me insane

death come to me
while i carve lines
on my skin as
my blood flows

death come to me
you are my only hope
for me to feel content
once again

death come to me
i don't want to be bad
cease all of this for me

*bring me along
take me with you
i don't want to
be here anymore
save me from breathing

(a)
at the darkest part of her mind
found a boy dressed in white
with nine
white roses in his hand
for those were her favorite
but then she remembered,
that it was nearly impossible
for a sanity to live with insanity
and she was insanity

(b)
sat on her chair, faced the screen
laughs, smiles, they all existed for a while
until he kissed her soft clean skin
and it began burning into ashes
as the skin rotten

(c)
hollered for help
with the loudest
and no one heard her
and everyone chose to ignore her
pain loved her
it never left like the boy did
and for every love pain gave her
it ached and broke every bones and skulls she was made of

(d)
and she ended it here
just like she promised she would

the voice inside my head
won't stop bleeding for you

similarly, only the minds of extreme curiosity
would want to explore the abandoned rusty and insane heart

you said i was the garden
in your dark mind

(you said you were sorry)

you said losing me was a fear
you can never overcome

(you said you were sorry)

you said you didn't want to hurt me

(you said you were sorry)

you said being with you will hurt me

(you said you were sorry)

you said i deserved someone better

(you said you were sorry)

i don't know where this poem is going
you are a part of my daily thoughts now
and we barely have the time to talk
again

so i am trying my hardest
to remind myself of the things you told me
so i won't get hurt from the fact
you seem to be distancing yourself
away from me

"is it appropriate to weigh 154 pound?
would it offend anyone if i were to wear high-waisted shorts despite my gigantic thighs?
is it okay if i wore clothes and people can still see my fats rolling out?
would anyone make fun of me?"*

the sad thing is we think about how others see us first
rather than what is best for us
when we buy clothes, we think of how others would see us in it
and not based on whether or not it makes us feel happy
due to the great success glamorization of what its called 'thigh gap',
many begin to think whether not having one is wrong

i just wish something changed the world
and we're all back to one square
where personality comes first
***** the ones with ugly hearts
shower the pretty hearts with more love instead

and maybe, somehow, somewhat,
the world would be a little happier

a love letter
written in blue ink
of words that left
a heart fluttering

a well-favored boy
deucedly in love
with the girl he descried
for she is enormously stunning
in his large soulful eyes

a girl with shaggy sweater
who lived by books
filled with fascinating
fantasies and imaginations
giving her so many incredible feelings
that failed to fall out in reality
fear to fall in love

this is not a love story
it is a story about two people
falling in love

.





















there's no us to begin with

maybe there's no such thing as recovery,
maybe it was just a period of sanity

anger takes over me
for what society is today

they glamorize self-harm
pretending to have monster
under them and scare
people away by
telling how they adore
the drawings on the skin
only to want attention and sympathy

they romanticize self-harm
wishing for a guy to kiss
the carved lines
wishing for a guy to tell
the whole world
how much he truly loves her

i could never understand
why and how a person
could do such a thing
for the sake of their own desire
of having a remarkable love story
to be told to envied it out of people

how could you label yourself
with the names of mental illnesses
and still said you are proud of it
just for the *******
of impressing people

you do not have depression
when you are actually
experiencing a normal sorrows

sorrows of when you failed a test
you never work *******
sorrows of when your parents yell
at you for something
you have done wrong
sorrows of when your crush
does not feels the same
and never rise up your hopes

you do not have bipolar disorder
when you are actually
experiencing emotions like
a normal human being

emotions of
sadness
joyous
anger
frustration
they are all possible to be
felt in a day

the world is so wrong
everything is so unright
and i am terribly so upset

you don't know
anything about it
and that should be
a good thing
for you do not have to
feel pain and suffer from it
for every breath you take

a life saver, a hero*

he is the kind of guy
who would take
your mind into his
where star trek exist
and where flowers
grow from the stem

he is the kind of guy
who owns a pair
of real eyes that
enables him to see
the truth

he is the kind of guy
who often goes out for a walk
when he feels depressed
and he wouldn't cease until
the sun is finally setting

despite it all,
he's still breathing
he's still staying alive
under the skin everyone dislike
and he keeps radiating positive vibes
all by himself

six months and i still could not
figure out what does everyone not
see in him that i could
which makes me want
to be around him more

he has a funny mind,
but doesn't everyone?

(we are all just ashamed
to show it for we are afraid
of being an outcast in
society's dictionary)

and though he told me twice
how he finds his system an irritant
i still think that it's
what makes me
attracted to him;
his mind is always a mystery
in the most hilarious kind of way

he, my friend, is the person
who takes my pain away
by just breathing and talking to me
and oh how i wish he could see
how much i am thankful to God
that i met him and his
mischievious little mindset

we hadn't talk
pretty much
for a really
long long long
time

and it keeps
me wonder
why it never
bothered you
like it always
bothers me

because honestly,
you are
the only person
i have been
thinking of lately
and i hate that
it makes me
seem and sound like
a pathetic person who
still clings to you

i don't know
where have
you been
and i don't know
it either if you
have finally
looked at me
the way i always
look at myself

that you finally
decided to leave me
because you had options
and i never

i don't know
what to believe
she said
you're leaving me
he said
something is going on
and you're too occupied

but
you left me
clueless and unloved
and mummy always said
to say thank you
to all the good deeds
people have done for me

so i thank you
for waking me up
from my dream
that consist of
a boy who could
love me more than
i could love myself

there is a boy
who feels lonely and desolated
even when the ball stopped circling

tries to fit into a world
where he feels like he does not belong
like a crow swimming in a sea

at eleven,
he lost his self esteem down in the river
under the bridge of the last time
he held hands with his old old man

aged twelve,
he met a girl with cream
the moment he laid his quiet eyes on her,
he knew she was what he ever desired
he tried capturing her kite, flying above the sky
but her kite was already caught
by someone she thought deserved it

he went home and cried himself to sleep
just like any other boy would
after he fell off his bicycle and saw blood
flowing from his skin
and he saw it too;
from his kite

trees are dying
flowers cease blooming
birds stop chirping
everything he touch
turn cold and dead like his soul
yet at the middle of the day
he stretch his lips
and tell everybody that pretended to care
that he is dandy

while they live their life
he runs his life like a job
while they genuine feel something
he fake his
while they live
he dies

like a trained bird, he is
does what he should do
does what to survived
in this biased and dreadful game
we all called
life

we used to stay up all night
and i still think that the
eyebags are worth it

you were like a bird
chirping in the morning
and i like when you stroke
my back with your fingertips

we were like monster kids
when the night laughed with us
as we ran along the zoo
and called out for our little friends

and the saddest truth that nobody dares to face
is the fact that we all caused the damages in those minds

i suffocate people
with the love i have

i could never find
the right reason or
the right answer to
why a person should
be proud to be with
someone like me

oh for i am just
an unsightly human
made up of countless flaws
and i am nowhere
nowhere neutral (either)

the disgust look
i put upon people's countenance
just by breathing

so tell me, tell me
how does one accept
the love i have
when i **** them
as i cling to them
like a bolster at night
as i tie them tight
so they would not leave
as i breathe under
this flawed skin

i shoot them with arrows
and they halt it with
their silvery sword

oh how odd it is
of the fact that
rejection could ****
the cells in your body

and i will just be a girl
filled with love
for she would not have
to take people's lives
(but her own)
for too many love in a heart
creates a living sinister

i used to call these four walls home,
until you came along and made me feel again
there was a missing piece that left the puzzle incomplete
you dropped by and the mystery was solved
we wrote our names on a piece of paper
and tied it up around the rocket
so it would take us to orion's belt,
in hopes they would keep us together forever
but we both knew it all too well
that hope, is merely nothing more
than a thing that keeps mankind going
though while we still can feel the spark igniting,
i think its the only thing that matters
*for now

1) i miss you so terribly why won't you talk to me
2) do you love me? you said you do, where the **** are you
3) for *****' sake come back to me
4) don't leave me, please please don't leave me
5) i love you
6) i'm so ******* sorry i didn't know what i was doing
7) i still love you
8) sorry again
9) you hurt me
10) i ******* love you, you sick *******

story of a girl meets a boy
and they talk
and they laugh
and they become friends

and one day,
the boy tells her a secret
wanting to go somewhere far
from the city to be with the love of his life

she says she wants to come along
but the boy tells her not to
and leaves her

the next day,
she wakes up
and finds the boy
gone to live
within the pure clouds
with the love of his life
forever

at least,
they live happily ever after now,
she whispers as she watches
flocks of bird flying with him

its horrifying how the simplest thing,
the tiniest thing could burn the sanity
in your body like a home being set on fire

that you have to be the one
i think of on dark nights
i feel awfully lonely
but not once
when i am not solitary human

i tried to run for my life from it
like it was a monster coming after my soul
i cried blood because i could feel his whisper
but it was only sorrow
it was sorrow
its not going to end my life
so why am i so terrified of its presence?

i feel like a flower
you don't bother to water it anymore
because you believe everything always comes to an end
and there is no point trying to keep me close to you

and i want it to keep coming for me
and consume me into the darkness
let the living in my head
paralyze my soul

when they told me not to smoke
for it will shorten my life
i merely laughed at them
for they thought i was so stupid
to do such thing
"who even wants to die early?"
three years later
i find myself
saying "i do."

i didn't just fall in love with you
i fell in love with your mind
and how it makes flowers bloom
in the darkest part of me

it said family
it is a word
with a hidden meaning
and i am trying to uncover
the hidden meaning
all alone

i'd use my last breath just to accuse you of murdering me

dumbfoundedly, i agreed
to play a game that involved
risking the life of my heart
and my beliefs in fairytales

guess i should have known better
than to play with the creator
for someone who had
never played the game before

but i can't back out now
because he took my heart
before i even know it
and now ive got to take it back
without falling down
and hurt my knee

even if he plants flowers in her
mine will forbid the change

i have a mind of ****
it is only a matter of time

till it kills every beauty
the world has left

you knew that so why did you let go?

nothing stays
nothing stays the same
nothing stays

when my eyes rain
i shut the sun down
putting blanket over windows
and trap myself
in the lights of darkness
where Demon
finally comes out from my mind

but this time
when my eyes rained
there was no sun to avoid
Demon was quietly snoring

so why it rained
when there was
no reason to?

and now i have come
to a conclusion that
the strings linked to my heart
allowing me to feel
broke

i do not know
which is worse now;
to live with a heart of
tangled strings
or to live with none at all

you tore me apart
crashed me brutally
left me creased on the floor

you took me back up
unfolded me
tried fixing me

and then you realized,
no matter what you do
you just can't fix me

for a piece of paper,
can never be what
it used to be
once it crumpled