I am not going to tell you
what happened to me.

Because it will only
break your heart.

You might blame yourself.

And mother,
that would be a shame.

A man did this,
with his own two hands.

A society missed this,
with its averted gaze.

Genetics did this,
to us doe-eyed
and aesthetic.

You are not to blame.
I am not to blame.
We, women, are not to blame

You gave me a shread
of love and affection
and I fell over melting.

I'm not used to accepting...
love, or giving it
feels like a simulation
I must get through
I must finish quick!

The sky is hazy
the mountains painted blue
am I truly me
are you truly you?

And I find myself
starting over again
on my way to an island
I've never been.

And i find myself
scarred and wild
a shame to know
the doubts I held.

I never thought
I would lie to my self

I never thought i'd
sideline myself

The clouds blend into
the mountains now
a foggy sunset
at my back.

I'm wondering when
the horizon will end
When it will fail
to illuminate.

When my silhoutte
will shivver and quake
the cool breeze
from the mediterranean
drying my sweat

It's a mystery
those things you
do to me.
I'm silent and
my head is chatty.
safe and wild,
fully vested,
fat and happy.
Content to
not be leaving.

When I think
of the feelings
I feel about you,
it becomes
too much,
and not enough.

When I see
you watching me
watching you,
watching me
sky blue eyes
shining down
generously.

And we're lying
between palms,
our hands
caressing the sand,
even when were back to back
i think of *******
and touching skin.

It's all so mysterious
that my life might be
about to begin...again.
that you could be more
than a friend...
my family

adores you.

It's clear they
see how you look at
me and how i look back
at you.

It's so mysterious that
spending every night
together could be...
normal after spending
so much time apart.

It's all so mysterious...
Your so mysterious.
Yea it's all so mysterious...
Yea your so mysterious

When hunger subsides,
I’m *****.
After I *******,
I’m thirsty
I can never feel
ok with just sitting.
If I’m not entertained,
I’m a slave to my
head  where all I want
is to quickly digress:
A new distraction
A new reaction
A new way of living.

I tell myself drink
water and be stoic,
but changing taste.
is my addiction
I can’t even enjoy
that nice feeling before...

I’m worrying about
acquiring the next.
A haste of comfort and confinement —
when will I tire of it.

My vision is blurry
and I’m happy
and everyone knows it.
The kitchen’s a mess,
but smells like heaven
My throat is closing
and the mucus is drowning me.
I wonder what condition afflicts
me, but keep on singing...

Anyways.

I'm coming upon a
slightly sick feeling
my forehead
is opening
and the world is
shrinking.

Like the rapture
is about to begin
like I'm holding my head
in my hands

Like I could predict something
wearing my best pajamas
and purple slippers.

I'm slightly sick to my
stomach
my blood sugar is dropping
and everything is spinning.
am I just dehydrated
or this some moment
of reckoning

Everyone next to me
is absorbed in their own
activity
do they feel the bending
the pause
the time slurring?

My chest hurts
and my phone
is slipping from my fingers
the ground is shaking
and my anxiety is rising
if I died here,
waiting for
equilibrium
to dissolve under
my tongue slowly.
Would anyone catch me?

I've never been this
affected emotionally
what a strange plane
ride
what a residual display
of yesterday's gray
trickling through me.

I'm faint
Everything is blurry
and my tongue is swelling
I'm faint
I have no way
to stand up
simple steps
feel like too much
I'm faint
Like a delicate dove
on its back
lying in your arms
barely breathing.

I want to be a model citizen of industry
I want to be so temperate
you can't feel my feelings.
can you swallow me darling
are you getting chilly
come up and warm me.

I want to be a snake in the ground
shout out loud a paragraph
to rally the weary
do you believe me baby
do you believe me?

I want to be reliable
instead of relying on
my personality
oh charisma charisma
an imposter you believe
so long as it's behind
a pretty face like mine..

I want to be a silent hero
do something extraordinary
that no one sees
hold your applause
till I'm deep deep deep

in the ground
I want to shout it out loud
a paragraph that resounds
with the weary...I want to
make them see

I want to make them see.