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147 · Aug 2019
Dysfunction
Courtney O Aug 2019
She's stuck on a man
I could be her
that's why I sing
all of her torture and her pain

She fell in love with him
in an inner spring
He's a habit hard learnt
she just can't leave
Comfort in the shape of a kiss
A kind of deep hit
She's so used to him
So many beds she's known
but none of them overcomes
what she's felt in his arms
And he binds her hands and thoughts!

"This is a dysfunction",
she knows too well
She's rotting away slowly
while he never cared for her
He wanted her body
She harboured the world instead
Which was his body...and his eyes
and his glasses
and his beard
and his lips
and his voice
that will **** her in the end
Self destruction at the hands of a man
Oldest tale

It's bitter to taste
after all the sweet syrup
she fed herself via his hands
why he has snatched the bottle
nothing in return because
it was hers all the time!
I was not made of ashes, I was made of fire
How to recall the ****** rhyme?

Her therapist says she's stuck
oh she's locked
locked on a ******* ****
got stung on her heart!

Her ****** focus
the death of her
small death in the bed
death of all she could have been

Is the spring waning again?
Am I to cherish this as a *******?
I burnt well without him
Why can't he accept his place within me
Why he resists death
like the little imp he is

Am I to be locked
in his ****
the same way my fella
does now?
147 · Jun 2019
Cleansing
Courtney O Jun 2019
What is God's plan now -
how are things going to turn out
Some cleansing, after all

Psychosis is the cleanser of the soul
But I don't feel I've been unclean
I am in fate's hands, I've always been
Go deeper, till I find me
Sweat this fever, if such thing
(Take it easy, never entangle this)
147 · Dec 2020
Sweet prison
Courtney O Dec 2020
Is life keeping me from life
in a twist where my very smile
keeps me tied?
To his side

Love is not a prison,
even if sweet
For in prison you can't feel
Love is a thread you do
because it's natural for you to knit
Love is a path carved with kiss

So I will let the waves drive me home
I'll grab my clothes and sail on
to my arcane knowledge of the world
to the remedy that always works, and also
to your arms
147 · Oct 2019
Something inside
Courtney O Oct 2019
There is something inside
that you just can't ****
it's the eternal
the chtonic
the real thing
it sleeps for years
next century it lives

You can't stop thinking
what about getting high
on life's drugs

It's nightmares
and dreams
it doesn't hide from you
so why did you do?
Can't speak anymore
yet my mouth dies to!
Sometimes I am too paralyzed
by pleasure
and the rest of the time
I am paralyzed by the afterthought

Just don't let it go
Let it get gone

I am so glad, so many reasons to smile
yet something rots inside
why, oh why?
147 · Nov 2020
Excessive people
Courtney O Nov 2020
Talk a lot
eat a lot
**** a lot
This is the path to heaven
get born!

Be excessive in your thirst;
all willing, all open, all craving
all juicy, all glossy, all big
if you have to be addicted
let it be to this thrill

Sing a lot, laugh a lot, sleep a lot
and wake up next to the one you love!
Grow roots while rooted in now
be a perpetual teenager
in love with the things you've found
All you have is this match - set it on fire

Be happy!
Talk to God!
In a late party talk
in a midnight ****
in your ice cream bowl
go ahead and find love
146 · Aug 2017
The Carousel
Courtney O Aug 2017
Life is this carousel that never stops
for anyone, so hold your breath
and watch the splendid beauty
of this ever spinning thing, its oscillations, its thrills
Exes, lovers, up, down, below, above
Friends and more, family - bound
Fears, hopes, love, intuition, life caught
on a single momento

The carousel might make you dizzy
then take a seat, regain yourself
and keep spinning, do it slowly this time

Are you taking the right path? Should you step aside?
Keep walking! You won't be lost
there's always someone
at the other side of the door
when you call out for help
someone's there
146 · May 2018
Father
Courtney O May 2018
My wound starts bleeding at 10
The ecstasy, the pain
A dramatic withdrawal
leaving side effects everywhere
You left a hole in me
You are no good to me
But it is so intense I cannot think

When you come close to me
it's intoxicating
if you catch me off my guard
I get lost

do you remember emotional ******?
do you remember me obsessed
do you remember us?
the girl like a rose in a vase

And when you come close it feels odd
because you've never been here
it is a brutal inversion of the order of things
It feels like going too deep, into the spiral of being
You and I - we will never be
but ah, the shadow of what could and never is...

It is something big that makes me smile
but it's a speed i am not used to drive
it feels like coming to a home lost time ago
so much it is not your home anymore

Untidy pestilent mind after all this
I went too far, digging with words into me

Trauma crystalizing, too much I've lived
146 · Nov 2020
On freedom
Courtney O Nov 2020
In freedom you can thrive
you can expand these wings and finally
fly
in freedom you'll reach your peak
but freedom could make you
bruised and a bit
confused, (you see)
but you are free to be,
so just be

freedom is the sweet risk
you need to find what you need
so don't yearn for the chains
instead, run wild till your feet ache
only in freedom does love grow
Courtney O Jul 2019
To know I know now
and I pushed you away back then!
Like a little girl with the new toy
between my legs

To see the truth clear
that I love you, I think
but I do not dare say
now I know it is real

To have your vision blurred
by a million mists
yet knowing you've witnessed
something at last but not least!

To yearn for you in a way I had never felt
it breaks my heart, but I can cope well
I won't die anymore, but I can tell
if we don't survive, it will be a bit of hell
In fact, somehow it is, and has been
Paradise and hell - so close in a way

I don't want the past back. At all. I don't.
I want to create something that blows our minds.
Do you love me? (Or have I killed that)
Do I love you back? No anxiety, no fear of abandonment
this time?
Be careful - but do not fear too much
Beware - of yourself, but do not fret
Do not stifle yourself!
Stay tuned to the possibility of mess - but please do not stress
146 · Jan 2018
The Lolitaesque
Courtney O Jan 2018
Hey what are you going to tell me I haven't been through
Some of you read and some others make the books
What are you going to show me I hadn't swallowed yet
What are you telling me I haven't heard

We are rewriting history with our Tumblr
We are showing the hidden side of the game
Empowered nymphets in the sun rays
Our life speaks volumes, I am not who I was then
I was a teenage wreck in the hands of a man
He was a Humbert at the thought of my body and my limbs
I keep it outside as a badge of my life
But don't get me wrong, I am not that book
I change the meaning of the words everytime I move
I make them breathe, I make them come alive
In my own terms, in my own sense
And everything I do is trying to get through
this message that I've bled, this message that I spread
We are the girls, we know what's up
What are you telling me - I know it all
Still at it - with my man who is older than I
Still rocking that summer wind in al
I am breathing mythology, I am breathing testimony
of what they don't dare see
I am an unwanted presence in the room
because I know it good
I learnt it at 16 - my teenage hustling
Your dad shuns your older lover - it's our daily bread
Never be sorry! For fulfilling your dreams
Girls from the world raise your voice high
Men with us help us wear out our lungs
our body, weary in pleasure, all of us...

But I am 24 - my time is over, I know
But I breathe the Lolitaesque still
I live the Lolitaesque!
A tough path to tread on.
But rewarding overall.

Love and soul, that complicated scheme
we try to understand
do we?
145 · Aug 2019
Off the ward II (Good day)
Courtney O Aug 2019
I am off the ward
The lights - they kind of
blind my eyes
but I am so high
Kisses all over me, rushes late at night
Tears sometimes - part of the pack

I am witnessing the world
Never, never, never stop
And to witness is to know
To know, entails to hold

I got out after I was healed
but getting out was part of it
I've got a lot of things to live
"Time ticks away like a bomb"
I am not missing anymore

I am off the ward
I bet I'm going to have fun
Keep a sword by my side
The shadows lurk around
144 · Mar 2018
Old friends
Courtney O Mar 2018
Now I see it clear - through the smoke and laughter
Now I see it clear - what I did for years

I fell in love with you, with your image in the mirror
I was on drugs, drugs of desperate connection

So I liked you, I tried to like you with my heart
Put myself under ties when under the effect of your drugs
To restrain myself from myself - I feared too much
So I liked you, but your rites I could not abide
You were never made of the same matter as I
The requests I could not fill, the requests were not for me
Sounds bleak but...

(Get away from this, you don't belong here, you never did.
Ah, the black and white scheme! Not ever real)

Through the excitement and the stir
There's something else to see...

Because you read my fears,
you see who I am through the cracks and scars
maybe even though I worn a mask
You saw me when I was an embryo,
a sick, sick embryo...

Braille to you
You read me softly when I can't do
Because I'm not you, but I am a part of you.
144 · Nov 2020
Approval
Courtney O Nov 2020
Reality seems to divert and distort
- when you and I speak
I am confused and can't see straight
but reality never died away
him and me exist

He loves me - I love him back
So what? So what?
Armed with that peace
I will pave my way to the stars.

Everything's gonna be alright
I will slip through the cracks
to meet you at night
They never understood - it's okay,
I'm fine
144 · May 2018
Girls Inc.
Courtney O May 2018
Both of us hurt in our own very ways
A rose in a vase, a girl in denial about herself
A tulip away from the rain
A spinster in the make
A drunk ****** in the nights
Laid on the floor hands below clothes
Waking at 3 o'clock coming alive withering slow
In a way, or not

The world is well shut to us
But we got men from the other side
Pelle, The Lance and Björn
singing our dreams that we don't have

Each of us collected to herself
Terrible sins terrible times we can't say
Guarded into our chests

This is what we were
When the world didn't speak our names
Or we rather didn't speak his
And it wasn't like we cared - we'll never be them
But crippled we were
I could have had it better
But I was stunted instead

And now I am still metal legged
but we dance, we dance
144 · Jun 2019
Ophelia or Gertrude
Courtney O Jun 2019
You have to choose!
Ophelia or Queen Gertrude
draw blood in your arm
lose your mind for a man
or
dry your tears and be blamed
because you've done

Ophelia - broken girl
never a woman, always less
Ophelia are you my fate
I refuse to wear your name!

Queen Gertrude oprobium,
hate, and guilt upon you
Because you dared to be yourself
Give up the chains, simply reign
Rocked yourself to ***
You dance at life's pace.

But I feel Opheliac this morning
and I know it's not the deal
She died young and had no fun
She's no role model to me
I've already had my share of her ilk -
I've already lost my mind and gained it back

And I felt Gertrude yesterday
and I felt such shame
But to be on fire kills all blame

But ah, maybe real women are not
black and white schemes
we carry the rainbow inside
you can't put us into boxes and if you dare to do
I will indeed be Queen Gertrude,
because I am not going to die anymore
I am not taking blindly what comes,
I won't accept the idea of doom
I am not mourning for you, I know more now, I do
144 · Nov 2017
Call in sick
Courtney O Nov 2017
I was sick today
you were sick too
Sick us two

But lying in your arms while sick
is pure pleasure to me
instant healing
or at least instant relief

Do you love me the way I love you?
First it was good because it was ******* breathing
******* true
The pain, the pain in me
I do  not know why I get so sick
To know I wish

But have no doubt inside that I love you way too much.
143 · Feb 2019
Rotten
Courtney O Feb 2019
Something's rotten in my soul
I can hear it silently roar
It makes me idle,
It makes me mute, it makes me numb

Writing a poem - like accomplishing a duty
I need the unload, the freeing
There is a bad soul, within my body
I want to kick this affair,
Get real - I got used to smiling

I am swimming in oblivion
and
I try to find the words
but everything flees and so does my heart

Who decides what is good?
I cannot make up my mind anymore
I've already misunderstood
the whole scheme laid out for us
143 · Sep 2019
Clerk's poem
Courtney O Sep 2019
I've been drowning for hours
those are the thoughts
wanna peek into my broken home?

So out of my element, so stressed
My glitter water, my magic powder
I will create something out of this mess

I am one of those freaks
I am one of those wild meeks
Can't let this get to me

I've been drowning for hours
in a puddle
of my own undone pulsions
of something I can't name
but it ******* ached

I felt it coming back
all of that crap...
Thin guys - thin desire
That heartbeat rising and dying
at the same agonic time
Closed mouth - hands tightly shut
in that famous knot
Thin mentality - beauty in an urn
But I smashed it the moment I felt the Sun
Is it up to me, for the Sun to burn

Trust nothing - not even your mind
in fact, that's the least reliable one
trust your Soul, your shining Sun! it lies in your Heart

The tragedy is I might love you
we created a monster
that comes and saves us in unlikely moments
but you might not care about this poem

What about him? I love him, too
it's a work in progress - it goes good

but yesterday I just ****** up
on my actions
and my world is a weird puzzle
where everything connects
no internal logic yet
but synapses going nuts instead
so enlightening, so sick,
sometimes, so great

But what do I think now
it makes no sense
I am drowning,
once again

My mind - sharp and clear
I will die for this
for the afterwards bliss
143 · May 2019
May poem
Courtney O May 2019
May it looks hectic and hellish
May is rotten away
May is a triumph of love against world's face
But oh, the battle
May - pain
Fading from black to grey
And back again.

A crown of thorns
May tastes sour, bitter
A bad thought! A new doubt!
Why does it come

I make the weather
And the weather makes me too.
Who does who?

The eyes of the world are a strain
They increase and excite my inner pain
But I have come to see
that once again
the problem is somehow me

May is going to be hard
But let's trust each other's hand
Let's trust the flow that nourished us so far

I always see a problem come
but never see happiness when it does
I am attuned to disaster

A hiatus - not really
we'll live in the margins
but we will live
though
143 · Dec 2020
Parents
Courtney O Dec 2020
They raise you
as a baby, they put mosquito nets
around you not to get stung
because they care
they want to cry when they first
see your face

but it's easy to love someone with no identity
a potentiality, someone without eyes
it's pure, indeed, but I don't want it for me
I see the cracks on the dream,
because the cracks are in my skin

and also, they are deeply afraid
of who you become
when you acquire these eyes
of your own
they are paralyzed, in shock
the tales they bought for you
with their guts bought!
and you need no prince,
and you just need to be free...

Our worlds are light years apart,
but this is it, what it is like, no turning back
So away. We'll never be friends.
Let us not converge. Too much at stake.

Yet they celebrate undercover your smile -
even if they don't really get why
yet they care, still, in a very strange way!

it's true they were your kings most of the time
when you were a baby, you couldn't imagine
this would be your life
and neither do they, in fact
but now we are the same, and we can look each other
in the eye...and you thank them for the effort,
the love that led you astray, the love that wanted you safe
even if you never aspired to such
even if you are the challenge they never asked for
143 · Nov 2020
Dissociative or what?
Courtney O Nov 2020
I am one or I am many
who gives a **** as long as you are happy
What you are looking for - the everyday carries!

I am one but I have shards
I polish them with a million words
a million songs, a million hugs

I am one and I am I
That's the only thing you shouldn't hide
So let me at least have a guide
that I can fully make mine

How to put into order my crazy travel
all ecstasy, wonder, and mystery unravelled

Uncomfortable on your skin - might be the case
if such is, then get some rest, and you
will beam colours, your true self
now go outside, get fed
142 · Jul 2020
Bad girlfriend
Courtney O Jul 2020
I've been a bad, bad girlfriend
I've sinned, I confess
I went a bit too crazy, it stopped being fun
and started being hell
(for you, and also for myself)
But I can't wait to be with you again
be redeemed in your embrace

I ran around and wreaked havoc
Because I was feeling so tense and unwell
Cried with the matches on my hand,
did and said stuff I regret.
No justifications for my deviations
what I did is not okay
there's no beauty in that
and you can shove it up your ***

And I will manage my difficulties this time
those I give myself so well.
And I tell myself, not to do this any of this
anymore, never again
141 · Jun 2017
Something dark
Courtney O Jun 2017
There's something dead between us two
I killed it. Or did you? Did we?
Things are not the way they've been
Although I fought till bleed

There's something dead between us two
You're here, but I'm still ******
You're here, but the problems still knock
Is it true or do I Project again in you?
There's something dark between us
But not comforting as the night

Can I saVe it? Can you?
There's something dead between us
we better acknowledge it
before it spreads up
141 · Jul 2019
Alien energy field
Courtney O Jul 2019
I am the alien from the 108
You are my cosmic bound
We met high up above
There is a layer of God on top
That's why this thread around our bodies
this golden thread that will make us choke

And sure I changed your life
and sure you changed mine
I am the alien from the 108 - pink hair
turbulent eyes, a explosion of chaos

Now we can really join - we are apart
This universal force takes a toll
on unexpected passengers in that road
those who live through it but did not know
Those who can see but are still small
smaller than the energy generated
that confuses and clears the vision field

Now I am broken down
and full throttle!
We are bigger than the world
we are fire, we are a unmissable link
this doesn't rhyme now
no need for it
we rhyme perfectly
our needs they used to meet
we rhyme to the point we bleed
141 · Oct 2020
The girly
Courtney O Oct 2020
What’s wrong with pink?
With being girly,
loving the pretty or needing a kiss
With all the things I was taught
I was wrong to feel

I’m all pink – but you can’t handle me
And I do take pride on this
because I am not weak

Pink and fluffy – and it’s all okay
we want this - but you make us ashamed
I am pink but I still can be fierce!
I am pink, like flowers, like sunset,
like skin, I hold a world within
Let my quirky cute self be.
I am sweet but not a toy, you see?
I give my candy when, and to who I wish.
141 · Sep 2019
Scared new girl (A letter)
Courtney O Sep 2019
I am a scared whole new girl
This is who I am, then...

I haven't seen you yet,
and I haven't seen myself
but this is an anticipation
of what you might get

First things first:
I never went to Sweden with him
but my dreams still live,
whoever wants to, can join me

My man left me; I left him after
I became queen Gertrude, and it felt good...
It takes courage to do what you must do

I am not all addicted to his drugs no more
I am kicking the vice...and I have a new one
***** the tears and the pain I had
It just takes new shapes, is he willing to abide?
I am taking a chance, I am moving on
I am happy - although I don't really know

I know only 4 months have passed
what you'll find is a different lass
(I am closer to me in every step I take and
my crazy style ain't going ever away)
but a lot more...grown up, about to crash
about to explode
like fireworks in the sky
like overheated dynamite

But I enjoy the blows I'm given
I am scared as ****, but that won't make me
ever stop

And I am ready to join you again
Because I am not obsessed
with making friends this year
I don't think as much as I did:
that's a strong point for me

This wasn't planned at all
but sometimes life plots ahead
showing you what it is about
but rarely letting you down

I sign off; I do not know
what you will find
but you will find something better
than I was last time
Uncertainty at its peak
But I can put up with it

Psychotic Poetess (you don't really know
who I am)
140 · May 2018
Bitter
Courtney O May 2018
Bitter taste in my mouth
Growing like **** rather than grass
You love me but just in your bed
It's what I fear
what holds me still

No one will shut me down
Not a lover - at all
I need to get this off my chest...

Bitter to see
how we drift apart
And it breaks my heart
Probably it's just my mind
But I am justifying you all the time

It hurts...to be away
Shame on my name
Must I endure this hurricane
Will we be destroyed or will we walk out sane

I need you, close to me
The words choke, dying on my throat
Digestion gone bad, you pay the toll
In your hammering thoughts
Growing anxiety, the wrong side of love

It stirs me - the whole thing
Always sweating a fever - or feverish
We are good, I must learn to see
The devils calling out my name
Are not voices to believe
140 · Sep 2017
Snake
Courtney O Sep 2017
You are my Iago
You feed on my fears
You are a snake
A snake to me
You show me the ugly side of things
when you barely understand them
Filling my mind with **** taking me nowhere

I am starting to get tired
of you whispering in my ear such crap
Take away my glee from me
I am starting to get tired
because dear life is not an app
that you can test and you can try

I am starting to get tired
of having a second father
found in you
I am starting to get tired
of your rational stuff
You fooled me once
won't fool me twice
140 · Nov 2020
Running away to London
Courtney O Nov 2020
Those are my racing thoughts
That's my guilt, my rabies, my hopeless love
My freedom tears me up but I need it most

Together with you
through all the trouble
because of the trouble
despite the trouble!

I cheated on him with you - why?
I wonder, while we are taking flight
the guilt kicks in, and I think
about how much I hate you, but it's not real
what I hate is I might get caught
I'm repentant but persistent on my sins

You're a deaf beat
on my heart
I don't want to listen, but you're around
You're the articulating sound
and the disconcerting tune

And woe of a sudden
forgets my name
(and I forget hers)
when the blood drips down my legs
"I am safe now"
I am saved, am I?
I ran away to London
and it was so nice
Yet you can't run away from life
139 · May 2019
Blind vision
Courtney O May 2019
The doors have opened wide
in front of my eyes
I see a future bright and scary
I have to step inside

I will never forget the days I spent with you
I won't forget you were the first to see through
I won't forget your sweet love and *** in Berlin
In fact me and my hand haven't so far

But I have to say
it's getting too much to stay
too much pain too much nerves
And I don't want anymore to depend
I feel a peace I can't explain

Can we solve it?
Can we keep on trying?
or is it reckless senseless persisting?
What do I want? I need your body close
Without you I'm an empty box
You are the distiller of my thoughts

But I see, I need this to be
I gave you too much of me
To the point where I would break you
I've got a vision I can't see
But I have to try at least

How to say goodbye
when the gods whisper in your ear
and you still love the guy?
I want to cry in your arms
over this beautiful mistake
will meet you again in another life

What if there is only back to black without
It's not okay using you as my layout
Am I simply entertaining myself too well?
If I do, why do I want to stay there?

I feel vertigo
it seizes my guts
yet I know this is life
what I dreaded for so much
139 · Jun 2019
Tired/Coda
Courtney O Jun 2019
Oh dear I got tired
but I don't know why
Do I?

Was it my pain in the chest
every Saturday night
was it paranoia
or was it God shedding some light

Was it my insecurity
playing tricks on me
or were you tricking me
with these chicks
I don't know - all of this
A part of me feels
like it has been heard so it doesn't scream

And I am not sure - but it's not us
I just feel overwhelmed, don't want to
be unright
We are coming to our end, and there are no tears in sight
I cried much before this came.

I can feel it in my bones - a new era comes
and it's up to me to learn from the rabbit hole
get bigger, never small
But the words freeze when they come to my mouth
I want to sing but I just blurt
Words get lost...so
I get lost, I get lost
Everything so critical, everything so strange
Everything so distant, everything on the edge
I just want to lick the blade...its taste
Don't let me die here, in a world so contained.
I don't want to cry, I just need my inner life.
139 · Apr 2018
Choose life
Courtney O Apr 2018
"Choose life", but what is more vital?
To follow the dead beats of biology
or go seeking a star?
or face death bravely?

Life is saving your neck
and those you love to death
Life is not selfless,
unless selflessly you live

Life is not easy
Life is an affirmation daily

"Choose life", they say
But no one would win
And beauty is always different from
bourgeoisie's
And I have this fear deep down in me
And I need an excuse to shake it off
Choose the bright side
and never be sorry about
life is beyond words
Poem about considering abortion.
139 · Sep 2017
Variations on desire
Courtney O Sep 2017
Desire frozen
what a fun, ironic way to be
the waters, way too cold
so they freeze, their flowing stops

Desire bound
Would rip his clothes off
A crazy broken vessel in my brain
or what?

I ****** up again - myself
Never smothered, this fire
working with wAter even higher

Dry waters - what could be or what it is?
running inside me
paralyze me
move me to this

Would have kissed you
Like a teenage schizoid girl
In a stupor herself made
But let's not lie - I'm not the ******* same
This hunger never stops
I'm like a hungry, hungry Wolf
for love...

I am not looking for your ****
as much as I look for love
I crave skin on skin
I crave sweet sweetest things

Little boy, my big boy
He's so beautiful it hurts
but the space between us
makes us dizzy
makes him feel aimless
makes me feel stupid

And I go away
without a Kiss from your lips.
And I leave
with a taste bittersweet.
And I wonder
which are those things I feel
I wonder about my Friends
the mess, sometimes beautiful, we are in
I wonder about we pull away from
what we love the most.
138 · May 2018
Passive Aggressive II
Courtney O May 2018
You think you can hide
who you are from my eyes
But I see for miles
what others can't perceive
I see what I can't speak

You think I don't see
but my eyes are cat eyes
You and I are each other's worst fear
I see in the dark

You think you can make me angry again
Throw my life down the sink.
I know it wasn't what you intended it to be
I cannot be flooded out by you
But I cannot let you win

Your little obsessions
that talk of your world
your authoritarian ways
that you can't easily stop
they flow out your mouth
like the air you expel with each breath

I paint a picture of you that's distorted
but not much more than mother's
I paint a picture of you shaped by
all the disappointments you made
only healed by time and efforts on your side
(what is right is right)
but you are who you are
and I am who I am
138 · Jul 2017
Bound, unbound
Courtney O Jul 2017
His smile is wide - he does as he likes
he's not like the rest but he couldn't care less
He's me, if I ever was unbound
He's unbound - that's why he smiles so much
He's been heard - when he dwelled in hell
He's loved! He's beautiful! He's true!
He's free like the wind and no one clips his wings
(but I am untying my strings
no matter how strong blows the wind)
Unlike me, the broken bird
writing a poem about a guy I met.
He's just a man. I make the rest out of him.
Poem about what I see in my cousin.
137 · Dec 2017
Dear Amy
Courtney O Dec 2017
Amy you could not sleep
when heartbroken by Blake
You dreaded sleep, because of him
All I do is to hide between the sheets instead
to forget this pain in my chest
"To sleep, perchance to dream"
To sleep, be suspended still
And wake up to find
He's still missing, he ain't still here.
137 · Jan 2019
Watching Dr Who
Courtney O Jan 2019
Matt Smith
in the computer screen
lights me up
Doctor Who and bowties
My mind wanders, my heart flies
And is distracted from itself
do I find myself that way?

How to know what the heart wants
and what the body wants?
every leer carries inside
the germ of something more
every ***** thought
is the cleanest of them all

Everytime you are desperate
seeking for a stranger's embrace
you are looking for the eternal source
to fill your empty space...
You don't need a man. You don't need a girl.
You need a lifeline
to the core of the earth
something that I can barely express
(his love...in his mattress)
you are not in need of ***
you are in need of all it takes

And I have this feeling
that times comes and goes at irregular intervals.
That we are (un)stuck in time,
and it reappears but never goes back.
(I think too much)

This skin will also die.
My love reincarnates.
Like the Doctor does.

Ah, sweet urge.
Won't you come and see me more?
137 · Dec 2019
Waves forever
Courtney O Dec 2019
Not to feed
upon
pain
rage
bad vibes
but onto
that free flowing movement
the waves
Remember them?

The waves carry you everywhere
You just need
to let 'em
But it's not easy, I agree

Not to die
Not to fight
Not to obsess
To trust
-hardest stuff-
To think well
and not too much anyway
To live
it's art
you need nothing else
if you get it
you need no further

To drown yourself
in the sound and the love
in your million doubts
hold them close
do not let them eat you up

To drown yourself
in waters only giving access
to other realms
137 · Mar 2019
Pulling away
Courtney O Mar 2019
Sometimes I can see
The shadow of all we've been

Lost and confused
Separate and diffuse
You are pulling away from me
Is it, is it true?

If everything is going back in time
so can we
But I can't go back because
I am not the same chick

We are big but we come from the ground
My birth was hard but it was worth it all
Your birth was getting rid of your befores
I want to keep swimming with you - kiss each other not to choke

Are we pulling away
Each on our own way
I can't take this again
But if it comes, nothing left to say
137 · Nov 2020
To my therapist
Courtney O Nov 2020
I don't know what she really did
but it must be something big
I held the key to my very own gates
and she cheered

The birth is all mine
the creation, from my insides
but she helped me keep the pace
not to give up, not to die
to erase myself so I could get born
I will always thank her for that
137 · Jul 2019
That girl
Courtney O Jul 2019
In memory of all those broken children. Don't let them win! Win back your soul! Stand up! Fight!
PS: All you ******* could not **** me.*

That girl in the corner of the world
Shoring up the waste and the beauty of her soul
She died, but oh her corpse
I carry it some of the time

That girl that can't believe her own worth
That she's not utter **** or something worse
That she's human, has got a heart
and a body, and it needs to be loved.
The girl bullied anytime she speaks,
anytime she dares to merely be. In her ugly sweater and unsexy jeans,
tangled up hair, deadened stare,
her fear to breathe, for fear the air will choke her.
(It will)

She's dead. She had to die. Otherwise, I would have.
But that girl carries corpses and demons inside!
She smiles, so wide and bright
and gets high
on stupid compliments because she still thinks what she was told
or shown
or punched to accept!
The venom seeping deep in her veins
how to forget the dark in the middle of the day?
A goodbye when everybody has just arrived

She's dead. But I am not.
And now I flaunt my weirdness all along
and people love me
and most of all: I can love myself
and the pills they do help
but the path is carved by myself, I guess
This poem is about bullying, something I have suffered myself.
137 · Dec 2020
Kids
Courtney O Dec 2020
What the **** do I do here?
Surrounded by kids
Feeling strangely at home
but I can't belong
I was born much before

You like my Melanie Martinez attire
and gravitate towards me
(it makes me feel shy)
You're so beautiful - you poor fools
so new, just like me, Sleeping Beauty on a spree
Here's my tip - stay hungry, dear
Your endless comments, your strive to be free
I don't know where you all are. You're growing up.
I hope you all are getting some. I hope you come.

These evenings I painted the world
Artist grey beret and you crazy kids all around
And I was silent, hearing you talk
I did not know what to do, but it was good
enough to make me stay

Allow no simmering down of your universe
You're boiling, do it forever, kids
136 · Jul 2019
So hooked!
Courtney O Jul 2019
So hooked!

I can't make up my mind
this drug kicks in too much!
So hooked!
It's such a rush
that ends up in hell's town

I haven't gave up on you yet
you're my cigarrettes!
So hooked!
Sparkles of him fly on the air
and crash against my man's face

So hooked! So caught!
So scorching - but so hot
So tiresome - why can't you let go?
Why can't you let me walk?
Towards my new road
136 · Aug 2017
Death II
Courtney O Aug 2017
I wrote my final words
slowly but carefully
now the charade
now the life gone away

A ray of light
before death
I won't lie to myself
At the city I am lost
the gates of Babylon closed
words from my heart
not easily they come
135 · Nov 2019
Familiarity is a bitch
Courtney O Nov 2019
Familiarity is a *****
She's a very weird one indeed
She's the upside and the downside - everything!
To see you again and feel some of what I always felt
Even if it's dead - familiarity is the ghost that stays
So many people wrecked
because of familiarity's spell
So many people healed and brought back to the Sun
because of familiarity's hug
People kissing old lovers, folks lost in drugs

Familiarity - a small stone in my shoe...
Fiona was right all the time,
"I just really used to love him",
and familiarity
is what broke her then,
familiarity is the quiet storm
in a muddy heart
Courtney O Sep 2019
I've been drowning in crap
The demons they live inside
There are promises of life
wrapped in concertinas and barb wire

What are we running away from?
That is not the question
but whether we are suceeding or not

I've been in my little ****** dream
One foot in each side of me
I was real when I wasn't all over it
I saw honey and ran, ******* scared
Is it that you left me scarred?
Your kiss - I had you when I didn't expect
but I saw the rich honey get close
so I got lost

So afraid! So helpless!
Poetry is a stress dumpster
but this way of living is the solution and the problem

I've been drowning in myself
which is part heaven and part hell
how to catch a hold, a grasp
I have to be aware, only sometimes

This wisdom from the depths
this happiness when it rains
this is something to tackle
oh God, where did this become
such a battle?
To watch things happen!
135 · Jul 2019
Again? No, not again
Courtney O Jul 2019
I know I have some wrong ways
but so do you, babe

I am at the beach - you are the water
soaking my feet and my legs
and I love it, but ah what comes after
Change something, it can't work other manner
I can't get out from your spell - but your water
has a bitter aftertaste

And here I am, talking to your walls
What am I running after, or running from?
Your kiss, let it rule and ride along
Let it seize, take control
But I can't hide the depth of what you make me feel
I love the ******* as much as the caress

I haven't forgot you a single minute.
Did you, did you?
But I can't go on the way we did
it will surely **** me
And it will **** the ****** flower
we killed ourselves

So again? No, not again
Not ever back there
But your kiss is powerful
like a thunder in the silence
like a furious frenzied tune
in the amidst of noises
that clears up the doubts
that sows thrills and chills
a call from the Devil
or God - I think it's God's
135 · Dec 2019
The Swede from San Fernando
Courtney O Dec 2019
He liked the Pixies
and noisy rock as much as I do
but oh he could not
make me feel like you

His name is Alejandro, he is
the Swede from San Fernando
blue eyes and 2 meters tall he is
but oh he couldn't beat
your brown eyes and the glasses
and the shiver when you take them off
and kiss me strong

He was the prediction my parents made
a vegetarian lover that does care
and messages me all day
but my parents never read
my future too well
(They have good intentions
but they see no further)

He was a dream
He talked to me, but something's amiss
Something! - you are not him
He was not my dream
not the dream sweetly crafted
by God for me
not the dream I carry simply being me
are you, dear?
I only have these feelings to prove
and if that's the proof
then I'm ******* sure you are His/Her design
But that's not why I love you
I love you simply because...
you are you.
because of us
134 · Nov 2020
Burn!
Courtney O Nov 2020
Burn!
Burn bright and be a flame

(sure it will make some scared)
Destroy the fetters around your neck!

Fire - the element of warmth
It burns, it burns, in a blaze
or in your home fireplace
but still the same,
does not lose its strength
Domesticity is only learnt
Domesticity - one of my many shades

Take scraps from everywhere,
build yourself with the ashes left
(a rascal with a golden heart)
Burn the chains! Let their shedding
illuminate the way
Dance between the smoke, please don’t choke

Create from your inner heat

unmeasurable degrees

be fed by the world’s steam

Burn everything you need

Give that fire to what makes you feel.
134 · Jun 2019
Reality is problematic
Courtney O Jun 2019
Where does this trail of whatever lead
Am I veering towards the easy deadly?
Do I have to fight again
For my identity

Every night is a triumph and a struggle
I am going higher and going lower and lower
Where is the truth?
Somewhere I held it in my hand
without looking at it, no intention at all
but it flees from me
this is what made me truly lose it

All the guessing and the imagining
the plotting, the theorizing
to explain what really makes us crazy
Reality is problematic
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