Another broken Saturday
I remember when all your time was for us
I remember no strings attached
You're slowly getting bored of me

Another broken lonely Saturday
I won't try to act something I'm not
I miss you and it's what it's this about
I'm lonely and it's because of you
Your watered-down Emojis, all the things that I read

Why won't you talk to me
where do we lead, where do we go
from here
What do you want from all of this?
What is the natural progression of it?
I want you, I want you but I love you even more
Can't you see what I'm feeling now

Meeting in the morning to have ***
Your interest in me sometimes I certainly think has changed
I remember all our plans
Watch out for the signs, Cosmopolitan warns
It's bringing me down, it's tearing me apart

But you must have the ***** and guts
to tell me what's up
If something's wrong
I won't be your *****
Will I?
I will be anything for your love

Where does this trail of whatever lead
Am I veering towards the easy deadly?
Do I have to fight again
For my identity

Every night is a triumph and a struggle
I am going higher and going lower and lower
Where is the truth?
Somewhere I held it in my hand
without looking at it, no intention at all
but it flees from me
this is what made me truly lose it

All the guessing and the imagining
the plotting, the theorizing
to explain what really makes us crazy
Reality is problematic

I'm not in love - he's not my crush
But I have never wrote a sad poem for his cause.
Lately he's been creeping up into my heart
slowly dosing himself in my blood
Giving me his shoulder when I need to cry
what a fool I've been all this time
to despise the man
That reads me so well and so much

He's just a friend - he has many shadows, well
he is a pain in the *** sometimes
but he genuinely cares
and that solves everything
and his advice resonates in my ears
when he says cry no more for this
he's a Little laughter, a sweet thing to be found
and I need no more confirmation
of the things that really matter in this life

A dream left - now comes back
If it was true, then it never died
I was only 16 and I was on the brink
I could faintly feel - I had dreams!
Of boys and girls and going places
and running wild and free
Was it real? was it make-believe?
It was, it wasn't - get used to it

She's resurfacing, her old shape
with a cleansed core
I am re-born
but it does not feel any worn
Eternal and old

And mom and me ate Chinese that night
And I got ***** thinking about you and I
And the sweet ghost of *** hovered around
and I wasn't distraught!
I wear warm sweaters because I feel cold
Can you help me take it off?

Bitter honey - and ham and cheese
Was I cognizant then? Of everything?
Still in the dark - still a ****** dressed in black
But a dim light, a dim hope that now catches back
Half-mourning, half-awake, half-alive
Everything comes back in time, waits for the time
to be ripe

Got close to the place today
The place where it all began and died
It's like coming home
but coming home with a drain
coming home with a pain
A home that was only a house
Isn't everyone the same?

Tears come to my eyes
I wanna curl up and cry
when I'm back
to the place where I used to die.

Never kissed, never loved
Never listened, never grows
This is how you break a soul
Got far away, but always close
This is how you sew the hole

So much death, so much life
I was confused, but I always knew
"Why don't you kick dark off you
I can't kick myself off me, it's true"
And darkness always holds me
when no one does

Now I stand there, healed but still stirred
Because there is nothing pills cannot make
nothing love cannot save
(and I'm not ashamed; still insane!)
I could walk up there
to reconcile my love and hate
Makes (a little) sense in the light of today
Still you'd all choke on me and my man
And I would happily take that! Like you - I never was!

This is the coda to a bitter song
This is the progressive healing of the heart.
I am back - but I won't ever be.
You'll see me rise - I see.

I look at her leg -
I just can't process
it's not ***, it's not ***!
Then, what else?

A defectuous pressure over there
Nothing to do with him
But it's so real, so clear
You can't just let it pass you by

I've been particularly bad these days
Problems with my *** drive and everything else
Slowly slowly, things did escalate
I knew I was heading for mayhem
Did I care?
And here I am, again in non-pain

I look at her leg - I want to run away
The awakening is followed not by the Sun
But this life feels so odd, it's not my own
Everything upside down

The horror, the horror
has many shapes
but this one is the superb one

I wake up and I’m in fear
Last night I could not either sleep
I can’t sleep and I can’t live
This guilty tremor never leaves
Everything speaks about sin

And there is darkness everywhere
There is a darkness in myself
From the light bulbs gathered
The light bulbs, that make me scared
The light bulbs, they are so fake!
I fall further staring at them
So smothering they choke me every day
it's all me, it's all them

My head is mush, all mashed force
I can’t tell right from wrong
I am all emptiness and God
He is sickly – this I know but won’t show
Who is him, though?
I see the light bulbs - never the Sun

I call out the angels I’ve been told
Nothing higher than my beloved yoke
A light – it’s just another torture, another bulb
I am afraid to my core! So I can't get out
You can see pretty easy - I drown
I am beautiful because I'm dying

Sixteen
Not again, please

The signals are clear
I can see them, they are here
Steering wheel, take me far from this
My words collapse, and so do I
Life's a struggle - where you gotta have fun

Sixteen
I won't let you back in
Fear - get gone, *******
Caution - don't turn into fear
(Don't turn to anger, just let me be
Get convinced - get carried by the tune
you hear)

The thrills not fully sweated
I have never been here
This is my first time, see

What is love? This is a new town
I am not used to roam
The calm separation...cutting slow
If cutting at all!

Is kisses all our bond?
It is bond enough, is it not?
Is there anything broke
we haven't spotted?
A low tide taking my soul

I think sometimes I am about to break, to faint,
to fall
But it's just the shock
of life to those who died once

[Old bitter wives tales baffling my ears
They feed on and feed all of my fears
**** them, set them free - exorcize these tears]

I fear what things might mean
I fear everything, no matter what it is
I fear, I fear, I fear
Most used verb by me!
Grow strong, grow tall like a tree
Only that way you'll be free

I left a hole in you.
You left a hole in me.
I could walk afterwards,
maybe you never did
Massive explosion
Ghostly still

Tracing back the path
Who won and why?
What forces lied behind?
How does it affect
what happens now

Were we made to last
and did I **** up?

What did you mean for me?
Much less than him
now the rain falls
The mist comes
And I wonder about me, about us

Ramsdale
do you hold the answers?

There are things I should change
but everything changes
when contacted with hell
Now I am back home
with all its glee, all its hope
and some of its doubt

A mute again, I will be
But so calm and so still
And to grow up this time, I promise I will

Everything is a question now
But life answers them all
In ways you never thought

I had so many things to say
Now all them are left astray
Coming today from you, so sweet,
forever I would stay
but our love will remain

Oh God
oh Ishtar whoever you are
why do you play games against me
why don't you let me stay here
nursed in love
around his arms
you plucked me, ripped me from him
and I needed it, I did
but now I see it, with clarity
and it shines brighter than my rationality

but now time for reorganizing
time to set up the pace
time to boil again
time to sew my broken limbs
who broke them? as usual I think it's me
this time has been crazy, the summer of loose morals
time to clean up, to see
never hold on too dearly to a vision because then it flees

I am trapped in somewhere
I am trapped in ourselves
in us
it's where I grew
you are my nurturing wind
and all the people with their reasons
and their good desires for me
their advice, their appreciation,
their ****
would not understand
what goes underneath
they would not accept us
as they never accepted me?
For I see for miles,
and I see further than they do
My nurturing wind...

Why can't we decide
I've been rotting slowly don't know why
now it's time to freshen up
to accept you in my mouth
communion from below and above
communion with the whole

And I am waving you goodbye - for now
but I am feeling close to you and I haven't even left
If I could be with you, again
All I need is you to care
My nurturing one, my man...

Be aware of the wires
isolating your soul
The wire is only a tool
not somewhere to hide
You've been hiding your whole life
Until right now you saw the light
The september moon makes me mad
But I help myself swim the tide

I buy my own tales
I fall for my ****
No matter what happens
I will always find a bad omen
on it

If the moon is darkening
my canvas this time...
Death is lurking in the shadows I know
It's been months I feel her close

Be aware of the wires
that tie you like tight rope
and seem to come from your true heart
but how to hike this landscape
without all my untasty vices

I feel so stupid
I feel so out of place
I feel so out of myself
Careful, careful with health
Careful with homeostasis
It surely kills if not handled well

I created this paradise
and now I feel weird on it
It's still mine, still nice
but there is a little yet itchy catch
that leaves me bitter while I write

But maybe it's the september moon
a wheel of fortune
in evil hands

Now you slip in and out
of mental states and thoughts
that you can't describe
but surely are breaking you up
You'll win in time
you can never lose that game
you never lose the bet
in life

The waves roll, this I know
And it can’t be a sweeping feeling
every single day of the month, and
you’re away, but you’re close.
Life is not an endless amusement ride
but I need a tiny part of the rainbow we make
the minor waves are part of the sea the same
Still a voice in me yells:
Love me, love me everyday!

Do you, babe?

I saw tonight
Chests wide open
Waiting for me to grab 'em
Like fruits juicy and inviting
Electricity flowing

Beds of hair
lying on those chests
My pants are quiet
But my mind is already shaking
I could feel it in my bones
And then i got dizzy and cold
Lost myself, lost ourselves
(A lower, non upgraded version of me
All the **** I used to be, trapped in non-me
The one I was before all this)
Suddenly I broke down
Into the cheeks of my forbidden? lust
I saw tonight life
Opening its lids in front of my eyes
but I also saw
all the toxic fumes i used to have

I am getting away from death
But death is faster than I thought
I don't wanna be lost
Not again, not more
God don't let me die
Drown in a pool of lies
Drown in my own piece of inherited land
I wanna see the light
shine so bright

[And live in soiled beds
And never pay attention to what they say]
Björk will save my soul
Surely selling my soul will do not

Do I want to be with you?
Bunch of faces that I die for
I am the daughter of a strange race
Struggling hard to find my place

So uncomfortable, yet so wanted
All the things today I felt...

Poetry of the subway
Struggling to find a path
The dark, cozy path
Leading to the heart.

So many memories
of sharing pain and joy
Memories
that you shrugged off
but...

You're back after a long time
what a glee when I saw your name again!
Carefully caressing each other's wounds
in the cold cozyness of lonely rooms
Discussing everything
My little cheap psychologist

You're back and we still at that
Living in a maze, talking about affairs
Our lives they carry on, they never stop
I'm glad you're back to watch them flow
with me
To swim in an ocean of passion, trouble, love.

You're back and it's joy for the heart
Dear friend, get a seat.
Let's begin, how has it been? How it was?

Ghostly appearance that feels so real!
You're back, dear.

Am I falling sick again?
Can you spot the patterns?
Am I going back in my steps
Is my brain battling back
How to swim this tide
That smothers and chokes
I will be lost without your love

And I look back, I look back
into my wounds same old schemes
so obscene
I look back to find an answer
in the past
What made it break that time?
Old lovers coming back at me to haunt
Patterns, can I control?

Tarot cards and omens fly
I have a million lenses for a pair of eyes
They impair my sight
My body is reduced to my mind
And I cannot put my wings to use
And go to Earth - only truth

I forgot the path
was tough but always with a smile
I don't decide
Although something breaks inside
stirs up
refuses to die

Why I kiss death so sweet?
I have no control of this
But going back to hell
Maybe it's the only way

My brain is no good
Save me from
I am shredded to the core
And every bandage cuts more
Give me a kiss if we have to go
Don't leave like that - you made me ***

Now the levels in my blood are alright - so I will fight
they are stable and I don't feel as bad
And love is still a sweet escape from war
I drive myself mad but hell, you still are

My clouds do not let me see sometimes
I misinterpret something and I'm undone
But now it's clear, sometimes it does shine
and I can't deny
your love is real

I am standing on the way of my dreams
I am standing on the way to me
of who I really am meant to be
If everything unreal, I will cling to the bliss

Our Universe ain't perfect but it's all good
Get rid of the brain fleas, there's nothing to fear
Let's fly as far as we can
Let's hold each other's hand

I'm fresh off the ward
I packed my bags and left the nasty stuff
I've been locked up
but now it's my time to shine

I hit the door goodbye,
I am not what they said I was.
I am much more. I kick my pills,
I feel I own the world.

But now the shine isn't showing up much
my face glows but my heart drowns,
lately it does

I'm fresh off the ward
the Sun beams in my face
not everything is so grey
still I ache
Be happy to shake and be shaken
in the belly of the world
Be happy in the chaos
Dionysiac throes

I'm fresh off the ward!
A real girl now, with a fleshy heart
that aches...and hurts
I might be away from the ward,
but my fate is to come back some time.
Everyone, every now and then,
needs a shot, and a comfy bed.
To dream, dream, dream away
by talking about your nightmares

I declare the state of poemless
Most magic fled from me
I will keep myself on this plain bread
But I can't stop thinking of the garden that was there

State of poemless, seeking pleasures
but the pleasures are gone
There is a hole
in my guts
I've been here before
but that's ****, it doesn't matter anymore

I stumble around in my head
I ****** up something I cannot really name
crashing
making noises that cloud my Sun
I was ****** up before, sure
but I had outlets, I had doors,
I was not as lost
I focused on the wrong, after finding a door
I obliterated it - like I did back then

Only the blows from God move my mouth
All I need is the clarity, where I left it at?
Reality hurts like a sore wound
Reality is the solution, but she hides

Because order is a *****
because neatness is a punishment
This mental jail won't **** me
but this time I won't fight like
I always did
It's not a matter of lose or win,
it's a matter of...discovering
of using words in a way
that they are not words anymore
of waiting for the storm
to finish, for the rain to wash
Still I feel empty, I feel not great
How could I in a state
of beautyless?
I am still a part of the sky
but my light is going dim
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts

I wasn't aware I had a body -
with a promise inside
a note for me telling, "I've got goodies for you to unlock"
"use me as you like"
"I am yours to thrive, get high!"

But I was setting my eyes on men
even if I didn't know back then
In unexpected ways. Not aware.
The Bonsai girl - breaking away

He is arousing to the eyes - and oh, below the pants
I should have known him at 22, instead of hiding
in the back row of the class
Counting ghosts, and hearing demon's voices loud

Did I know what I was feeling?
Only now it seems to have a meaning

But no turning back - no sadness really in my heart
and I am just angry tonight
Tonight, angry you are not by my side
I could really hurt you, but instead of that
I look at him and for a second,
I fly

(He's joy in a confused Saturday night)

Alex of the twilight sits in front of me
In the twilight of his days,
just moments before his sunrise
-I bet-
And my soul is spilling as well as his
I don't know which way, though
He is opening his ******* soul!
(It took a shipwreck for him to do so)

His hair is long now
His heart is widened
If it only happened
some months before
But
no use in crying over spilt loves

And I am trying to push away
all the things brought back now
You are not dead - you are dying
Everyday and everyday, decaying

But I'd lie if I say I am deaf to your tones
To heal the wound you opened
that I stitched on my own
the scar is there
and this is stitching for its sake
it's opening the scab
to bleed once again!

You changed so much
yet you I can't trust
I flipped the page, why can't you?
I said hello to life
So my extra baggage I waved goodbye
You keep stuck to my side

Alex of the twilight, I am here, I am here
But this time - not what you think
I wish you good, even if good
is built upon our shipwreck -
that's kind of a truth
Life is not a line you can draw
life is a crazy sketch of torture and fun
and if you are lucky and smart enough
you can see the underlying pattern!
Yet it won't be the mind
opening the doors to your eyes
Life I can't measure with words
I'd rather do, do, do
and write while I stroll through.

Afraid of my past, as it always was
Afraid of losing my mind
another time

Like a pattern written by God
Afraid of things going wrong
Because I've been here before
I can only accept, I can only abide
it goes outside of my scope
I cannot control, I cannot know

I change with the Moon
you change when  I do
the terrible pattern calls out
I drown, I drown.

Afraid of this pain in my chest
of demise unfolding the same old way
because it was a blaze
but I survived,
I kind of raised from the dead
(I never accepted death)

Why can't I just trust men?
Why they never help?
I wonder where you are now and what you do
Because I'm so afraid of what could
Of the unavoidable, an unconscious doom.

It's 9:32 PM and I am waiting for your message
like the hysterical ***** I am - you have no clue yet
the ghost of him lingers around and floats on air
or is merely a ghost all of myself?

It's 9:32 PM and I have already been here
The same old pressure in the chest and catastrophy
But this time I switch
This time, the pain I ditch

I swallow the pain like a pill
that slides inside my throat like an usual drill.
If you **** me over, I can leave.
Do not be that bleeding lady, that hurt chick.

This is good for writing poems, it is
but life and poetry do not always meet

Everything crystalizes
on me
It leaves a sour taste
after all I've lived

And little questions, little feels
that really meant nothing
Crystalize like you hadn't seen any of it
You keep analyzing - as you always do
But the chills he sent you
those were real, those were good

Oh baby I love you much
Oh baby you love me back
But yesterday
I snapped

I am Carl Sagan - cannot hide my love for your stars
You are a wizard - keeping our magic inside, bottled up

I felt like crying in the street
Over the songs you used to send to me
You make me shut my mouth about us
I am Carl Sagan - a mouth I open too much
I am like a child, cannot hide my smile

*You are growing up, you are growing up
Don't let anyone make you steer from the direction you really want
Where you heading to? The stars, named after us

Your friend Aitor's laugh.
Your blue eyes.
Sushi at night.
It's not true, it's not right.
But it feels nice.

Woody Allen's movies
The backseat of your car,
you grinding on me to reggaeton beats,
tonight it's you yeah, but it's also him

Look at me,
I am lost but I get some
I loved you in a twisted form
I need to get outta here, but in a sudden shift
you got inside of me
it was never you, it was him

Bitter chinese food,
the night I realized it wasn't you.
I came in your arms, yes, I can do that,
but my heart collapsed because I knew
it had to die, it never got born

Blood, blood in my hand
blood in you, blood from my insides
Just a little broken vessel
Something I cannot seem to grasp

Blood, blood - because love hurts
The art of self-**** - I am really good at it
A fly hovers over my head
It's the blood I have shed

And it is a reminder, of the intruder to yourself
And it is fear, but still a symbol to me
Blood scared because I am the girl that bleeds
Unexplainable facts for unexplainable feats
(I don't know where this leads).

I cannot seal the pact
My body gets in the way
My body has something to say
But my body follows no line
it is an alien to itself
My two poles fighting - shouldn't be this way
My mind is not mine - it does what it doesn't like
I cannot understand, I cannot understand

Awhile, the blood pours out.
"I hope it stops".

Some bury themselves in parties and drugs
other bury their head beneath their pillow
to choke their selves to death
Yet we are somehow the same
"No one makes it alive", they say
So don't blame us, we are just trying to cope
and it will never ******* stop
Adolescents - take no ****
from us adults - that forgot how we used to
bleed

Some take a path wrong - others simply stay home
Some wither because they just don't know how
All of them scratching 18 with their nails
The world lies there, but you can't fetch
Crotch about to burst in trampled on desires
unacknowledged life and shine under the teenage void
And I stopped being one of you years ago
But I can feel still every word
And I know you cannot die
in the same way that neither can I.

watch out for the small vital treasure -
your heart
your ***
your soul
Do not let them bite you off
unless it's in the neck
and that oh God feels good

There is a threat of death over my head
Death is slowly crawling towards me
Like a knife to my neck, I cannot breathe

Been awake for first time in years
But now it seems I'm forced to sleep
I'll survive, and that's why I might die
While I can tell nobody my grief...
Been awake to life and its gifts
All the paths and lakes that I have swam
Now I could be again at square one
Thought of your lips, it wasn't real
It's like my life passed through a lens - not me

I might lose hold of me again
Oh, the pain...
the pain that no one gets
Oh, the pain...
all the things I cannot say
all the twisted ways
that back and forth
I am forced to take

Death is coming slowly towards me
But I think I'll just shake and die
Die, die, die
whatever way you mean that

(The banality of evil
how inertia walks...)

All I wanna do is to walk through Madrid with you
Do you? Do you?
Like a child waiting nervously for Santa Claus
Come on, let me out!
Crying when she gets not toys but coals.
Nervously listening to nervous songs.
There's a shadow on her heart, and endless love

The child throws a tantrum when she doesn't get love.
The woman becomes a younger one.
She was eager to taste.
She's lost.
And then he comes and soothes her
with words
in the absence of arms

All I wanna do is share life
with you
No further questioning: I know you do too
And so do I,
despite
my million ties

You were my friend
when I wasn't mine at all
Surrounded by demons around
in my mind, the lovely swamp

There was no vinculation between us
but my hysteria and inadequateness
And now we die in weak hello's
We don't die: we never were, so...

Our worlds never were one
I simply ****** into your pure blood
to purify mine
Your innocent, white, bland blood
My sick, deranged, psychotic thoughts
My fear beating strong
Descending each day deeper below
And bland and paralyzed I become!
And drowning...and down

And now we die. It feels good to end.
For truth shines, and the double sides of reality
show their head
How much I cling(ed) on to you
How I let the time pass
How little we had to talk
How many lies poured into us!
Battling with my mind to utter words
How together we were
How separate we are
How we grew up

Do you want what I want
can we make it work?

I love (y)our bed,
and I have tried to get away
but I end up here
and so do you, it seems.
But the bed is a seed.
Sprouting something big.
The bed is the expression
of what lies underneath
**** mortgages and kids.
I want a lifetime of this...
of you and me

I want a lifetime of strolling down the street
with your hand in mine,
and you will give me a kiss
in the mechanic stairs
and when we are alone,
we will be unchained

You said I left a mark in you
a bite with my name all over
You made me express my whole;
you are my Lover

This is my bare heart
all I want from you.
All I want is the all of you.
To be joined with you,
to know you are with me.

Does this annoy you?
I am annoyed too.
And I will get more insistent,
the more you refuse.
(Of course you can say no,
this is merely explanations
on how my wretched heart works)

But this is my bare heart
I think I love you, I do.
I have big plans: do ya? do ya?
Let's keep on trying.
Let's say we do.
Let's take a ride together
as we used to

I've been spinning in circles
And now I see truth somehow
I refuse the past, though
Yet I can see for miles now
The Magician has thrown me a ball

But this is no good
I've been going misunderstood
I yearned you...but I thought I could
do something apart from you

Anxiety everywhere
filling always the place
Addicted to drama and pain
kept going there for days

Oh! It was hell to be
trapped in between
always thinking of you, thinking of him
This place of despair I filled with chicks
Further falling in
the pit of me

This hole I try to fill
this hole that ***** my morals down
but no shiver comes

Why can't I stop seeing and thinking?
I forgot feeling
I should have known this

Now I see it the way it is...
It is complex, and maddening, and confusing
And beautiful

I gotta wipe you as soon as it can be
I gotta kick this made-up hate from me
Not remembering what you meant to me
making it all look so bleak
it's easy to dismiss once it has fled
or we have killed

But there was cracks of pain also
So much longing never met by you
There was madness, some things were not cool
It was me a bit, but oh it was you too
Every kiss a heart pierced by swords
Every week needing the drug
Every bruised moment healed, but constantly hurt

How to reconcile such aching
with such lust?
You would make me hot then do me wrong
And that would twist my little heart
All the tears, connected to those chills
To be with you anywhere, it was such a thrill
That's the crux of it!
How bound, how free!

The crux of it, now I am confused
about what is it with me and you

D for diet, D for death
I see the future - makes me shake
If you take from us our bed...

I know life will find a way
to pull you away from me
it will wrap you with tender hands
that we will call "her"
to make you love another instead
because life is playful like that
life has no limits, life knows no inhibitions
life tangles things as she desires
life is unstoppable - are we?
I know you make me be it

D for diet, D for death
one thing will carry to the other
even an end has an start
Diet will lead to death
Starvation will follow down
that's why I wanted to drink you up
while we still could live up
I can do anything for you.
I will do anything you ask me to.
I fell for the trap, it is more than done
I fell too deep, no turning back
I fell in love
with you

We want freedom
We want equality
Equality to work! Equality to rock!
Equality to be -you dread it- ******! If you like the word
It's my pride - to be what you deny

Give me my feminism
But don't take the fun from me
Give me all that feminism
but don't take the spark from me
If it doesn't make me high, it's not it

Don't get inside my bed
and tell me to be a good girl!
Burn all your Gods
Heaven or earthly bound
No one ever tells me who to ****!

You all think you know much! But you don't know at all
Freedom is the aim! Freed from everything
We want men to be our friends, in and outside our bed
We don't need you, righteous people!
We don't need you, voice of reason!

Freedom to show my body, freedom to decide
Give us those rights, give us life
To fully explore and become people not stuff
Don't ever let us fall
down the rabbit hole
of their clonic boring mores

Right to get respect
for all we are, "no more sectioning of the self"
choosing between my two halves and picking the wildest one
What if I like to be a little naughty imp
when I am with him?

Right to be ourselves
not less
We are for real, we are here
So swallow back all that ****
I want my rights
Not laws about my lower parts

I've been on the psych ward for years
Unaware of everything around me
Wasting my time on what was my ****
Away from the world, including my core
Now they allow me to go out
because I forced the doors
I simply had to allow myself to do so
I guess it was all according to a plan of God

Now I frantically try to live
Sometimes I just want to hide in me
I want a kiss but sometimes I want to disappear
All I can do is merely to be
I've got scars in my face but they are not me
And it's a big question everytime we meet
I am the mad girl, how do you feel?

Hell never fully went away
It just got hidden in the folds of my skin
I just don't want to move from here
because
it's all useless to me
Hell is the address where I live
It makes no sense at all I'm wasting my time
because I can't tell what I desire

I've got such a dark place in my head
***** all my glee and my progress?
Nothing seems to be really worth the pain
but what about the gain stemming there?
Time to move on, shed on the chains
If you need it, tell about your special ways
But you are really not all that much of an alien sight
You're just a hybrid form of life

I have become Gertrude - that old widow
I keep men close, you're still a fresh corpse.
You might be mourning me but maybe you won't.
I don't do it out of desperation, or love gone wrong
I do it because I gotta move on

And I've got a hole yearning to be filled
And I discovered, there was no hole in reality
It hurts, sometimes it really does
It's your judgement chastising my existential lust
You try to punish me because I am alive
Was Gertrude such a *****? Or did she already cry enough?
Is Gertrude in her room with her hand below
I am the *****, the unsensitive one - for once
You hurt me much! I had to get my life back!
You died, it's true - you killed it with your hand

He's talking to me
and I'm in a daze
He's talking to me
And I follow what he says!
His shirtless chance blinks in my brain
A little less schizotypal, today
A little less awkward, I'd say
I blurted words in front of him!

I feel dazzling
but ah, I don't want him
He's not my man
He cannot give me these things

He's beautiful
just like you
He will grow to be your carbon copy
and find some ****** to do
But I want originals (it's true)

For the first time I didn't freeze
I just go with it...
What's this?

[Hey you lover!
No one laughs at me, or my heart, that ugly way -
I felt misunderstood, pushed away - ]

I know you'd hear me blabber about this
but what would you do after it?
Would you think "she's so mad" -which of course I am-
Would you kiss me, would you let me fall apart?

Can you see me?
CAN YOU TWO ******* SEE ME?
The same way I see you, dears?

Can you see my wounds?
Can you lick them - help me to
Normal people - you will be my death
Deep, selfish lover - you will be my end

And where do I run now
the void crushes my soul
No one loves this crazed up lass
Who woke up to life with a notebook in hand

Can you grab me?
Can I grab you?
Can I go further - can you walk too?
Which one of you, if at all you?

And I am again in the verge of tears
oh, sweet glassed man, are you the one?
That's my blessing
that's my curse
I don't want to rot away
why do I do?

Everything was set for you
to arrive
Here
You have all it takes
To arrive
There

(who knows how far?
no limits for you now)

The sweet irony,
The irony of fate
Paths and miles unknown
the irony never stops
You were not sure at all
you'd be here
But here you are, smiling big
drying your tears
everything is everything
you got this

Everything leading to this
magical moment of seeing

(God please give me a world of
******* and love)
Everything happened in order
to free your soul
I am a work in progress; but I am doing good.
Everything needed - to reach this particular spot

Now that without being side by side we sail - alone
With so much love around
We aren't bound
to the crystal sweet jail of our love
That we can't touch, we can't fully grasp
but that never stopped us

Now but always bound in time
Through heaven, hell and in between
A link no one gets right
but we...

Now we are always together
each one in their world - family, lovers
but I don't think we'll forget
what we used to have.

And I'm not speaking ***, the photographs I took
I'm not speaking lust, even when it was true.
I'm speaking the thin line
between 2 ghosts in each other's life
I'm speaking "Spanish kissses"
with a limit never clearly drawn
unmade love
a ghost, a sweet ghost so real to us.

You were not there
to share my happiness
my moments of joy
you never made it easy to enjoy
so now you can't watch me cry
You are blind
you don't have my sunshine
and you can't grasp my dark

Yes you'll help
To pick up my pieces but
you always miss
You dry my tears
but never know what it means
and make up an explanation
that fits

Because you talk, you talk, you talk
but you never understand
what lies in our heart
those of us living far from you and Dad

I know you are good
and I thank God
but you are wrong, too

I've got a reflex inside of me
it snaps and stings
it's hurtful and it burns
Fire pushing fire
Made of anger and desire.

The first time I felt its call
I wasn't aware at all;
Cover the tracks of your lover
with another one
Topsy turvy thoughts, twisting you up and down
That rushing into someone's arms
in a state you cannot discern
But the river dried
when you turn off the light

Loneliness pushes me
prompts me in solitary, kissed dreams.
When you turn your back on me,
I turn to my instincts.
I creep under men's shirts. I stare into their chests.
Grab 'em.
(Was this learnt?
I can't forget it now
Am I real? Am I real?
Take a look below)

The second time,
I felt so attracted and needy of you
that I couldn't help but think I'd rush into anyone else
I dry my tears like this
With wild fantasies...

Any man does, anything goes
when drowning in the ocean vast
But no time for this
Because I've got your kiss

I can feel the magic
My schizotypal thoughts get the best of me
No tarot cards, no divination tools
No crystal ball, only my all
I carry the power inside my heart
I am a complicated machine: I don't wish any other thing

This happened because it carries a meaning
I guess in the end it all makes sense.
My schizotypal being sometimes makes me high
Feel patterns behind my own eyes.

I listen to the rhythm of the universe
slow and fast and weird (and self referential of course)
indescribable but so close
and so beautiful in the days of sun
and so deep when the torrential rains come
and tears of joy, and shrieks of love
and a rhythm you can't stop!
and always there
alive
telling you to stay
to carry on fighting
to hear its song
whispering your name

What if this is borrowed time?
I had none to call mine
Had too many hours
in the waiting rooms of life

Maybe I had none to call mine
None that I could grasp
for years and years of silence
with peaks in the dark
filling peaks of light

But what about the little explosions
everything coming alive
What about the ******, the blossom
Sitting is not motion!
what about coming together for once
What about the smile in your face?
Because if this is not my time
then whose is? tell me, what?
What is this I had?

Am I living borrowed time
Am I made to pine, to pine, to pine?

Nervously hitting the switch - I can't be back here!
I know more than I did - but still
do not wave the past at me!

I am not this - I've never been
but I will -somehow- always be

I cannot think - I cannot be
(I used to write convoluted verse about it)
It's not a cliché - I mean it for real
In the amidst of horror there are no words
Horror - it swallows the whole

I shake, I ache
My whole life hangs by the wire of the light
And I am aware of what I do not like
It's you (no) it's me, it's everything

To let little things control me
To not be free anymore
I fight but I get tired

So weird writing this poem! So weird being here tonight!
But I will save myself from me - this time

I am high
on his song
I feel nothing wrong
but this unnatural strength in me
Letting go...

Worst case scenario: you break my heart
Worst case scenario: I tell you to *******
So what?
And I see I don't care, I've got a lot of ****

I am high on his song
I can't think straight - but great
It was invasive, like a drug shot to the veins
I feel it rush inside, this power I gained
I could dance, I really didn't care
Nothing in the world could go not my way
I saw it clear, I saw it fine
Everything's going to turn out right
Worst case scenario: we are not there
Worst case scenario: who cares

This high feeds on my tissue
This high is not real - but true
This high - I saw it good

To what point am I sick?
I go mad - when I see a chick
on your feed
in your photos
and you behave so relaxed
Is this hurting me bad?
Why now? I don't think so

I'm too accustomed to bitterness, and in happiness,
I ache. It's like a reflex that things gotta go wrong.
I cannot think bright. Why should I?