I follow no line
only mine
as crazy and twisted
for your eyes
as it is,
as freeing and exhilarating
as it feels

Radical lover
Radical little one
that's me
and that's my revolution
that's my solution
My fierceness comes from
a total sweetness, a gentle core
I am my own creation, and God's

I am many things at the same time
They don't clash; they hold hands
I am a ball of contradictions
fitting and looking at each other with
eyes amazed
it all makes perfect sense

You don't understand me
I don't care
You will some day
or you won't, but I'll be
smiling
the same
riot to keep laughing
laugh to keep rioting

Sometimes the days just roll over like waves!
Calm, carefree,  but secretly connected
Filled with hope, with a quiet trust
Sometimes life treats you well
Better not to ask and better not to care much

And here comes the pain!
The turbulence and violent rain
A rain that does not wash but stain
But...
The waves, washed it away.

The sunny days!
It is just a moment that lasts forever
The occasional turbulence can't wear it out
The hundred accidents that disturb
My ocean's peace
Can't really break what we built
Can't really take away what's within.

I hope you never call back again, I hope you never do
But yet I want you in a muffled way, and I am nervous too
I went serious because it's too much lately
so much **** to write about but the heart is heavy

Perfect vision, hands tied
No way to help what's projected inside my eyes
I wish I could break away the unknown spell
And I think of him, every now and then
Do not repeat the same old evil patterns

Oh, you touch me and I come alive
but then again I'm a gutted girl
Who gutted me, then?
Was it me or was it him

I am like a programmed machine towards crashing
Who programmed me?
Which tracks I am trying to cover?
Who can help me now? Holy water?

It hurts it hurts it hurts
and I wish I could turn a blind eye
but I can't
What happened in my guts?
No more stars - but the ones of hurt

And you hold some keys
it might be the case
but I'm like a ******* maze

I was a inert, idle doll
Head full of dust
Made of cement
and sparkle and unrequited love

Someone came and kissed my pain
kissed all of my cold away
The forces of nature met on my chest
setting fire to the old state
God is watching from afar

I love to burn every night and day
I am not dead, I will live to death
The fire got ignited
must mean something else!

And the pain and the desire
meet at your place
My heart got entranced on the things you gave
But they were not yours
They were mine all the time
I just have to recollect the harvest and
claim it mine

Am I ready for this next step?
The more I run I feel more scared
Can I make it? Are my metal legs squeaking again?
When is one ever ready for the big stuff
to leave the comfort of the room
to fight demons that keep you down
to claim your portion of the world!

It doesn't work that way.
World claims itself. All it takes
is a night staring at the sky
with eyes open wide
and you will be able to feel
the rhythm, the melody inside

Glorious days in the Sun!
They are gone, they are gone
But not a single tear I've shed for us
I cried much time before

Glory days - when we met
a state of mind that's gone astray

The devil (or is it God?) weaves our lives
we thought we could cheat on his plan
But this is something you can't run from

I know you loved me - I know you did
I know I could fulfill you - but in some point I ceased to be

Your hands all over my body. My hands all over yours.
Our love, our love, made of soil and Sun.
Which turned to dust - the Sun burnt my palms
Pleasure and pain became one.

You were my everything and I was your something
all my good and my wrong
you became it all
now it's time to go back home
rearrange it all but let's keep
the piece of my heart you gave to me

There is an anxiety growing from a rose
A turbulent move in the clear waters of love
A potential river of tears sprawling from spring
A rose that withers with excitement and wish
Love won’t **** her; but love’s dregs will
A rose with thorns. A rose like you and me.
You can’t pluck out the thorns. You just have to kiss the rose,
All care, no gloves
The thorns will dissappear
With all care, all love

I am not coming "and I might be dying"
but I will leave indeed some writing

I am dying
listening to La Zowi
I am eating myself up
I can't bear up that fate again,
no, God!

I can't live without love no more
Without that holy shaking no more
I don't want to live away from God no more!

Obsessed little ****
because I never knew you much!

**** your god if he tells you "no"
so angry because I can't come!

I am speechless
like one is when dying
I am motionless, I am rotting
all of a sudden, couldn't see it coming

I am empty and filled with noises
I am yearning for something
which hasn't escaped so long ago
how can I catch it, and have it once more?
Listen to your words, teacher,
like pagan scripture
ah, are you that somebody?
I am that somebody.

Such a heavy feel, such a heavy sensation
the first day I met you!

Then it got strange
the demons started howling around
The demons who never went away,
maybe

Ah, the days in the mall
Feeling you all
A smile in my lips
water flowing underneath

But I'm *******
Am I?

My ****** side never went fully away
Now I am at peace with myself, yet
It keeps me away from potential threats:
that world you inhabit that I never get

All my dissatisfaction distilled through you
all my bitterness taking unexpected shape
it's not real, it's a figment of my bad ways
although reality is hard to explain]

I close myself inside my shell all too well
Dying to open up but I fail
They lack something I crave
Red flag - my love is the one I can take!

And I say, I need my aliens with me
where do they live?
Maybe we were knitted by chance
and 10 years you can't just overlook
and now I don't merely exist
so our relationship shifts

I am not who I was
Now I've got a true human form
and alien weapons to knock you down
I am a weird creation, I know
Patchwork girl in the prowl

I am shutting all the windows - opening the door
I wish someone came say hello
but I feel good in my very own road
I am settling down - it is dangerous as ****
but no other way but carrying on

I killed you, it's okay I did
I killed you because I needed to breathe
But we killed this together - partners in crime
And your ghost lingers around

I am on display and I'm exposed
because I wanted it so!
I can't hide, and I don't want to
I am naked in front of everyone
it feels good, so what?
I do it out of thrills, out of feels
so scary but I can't let go of this

(A veil on my face
so I can show myself
no fear today)

I am exposed and I planned it before
But in the end - I rushed to the door
feverish, eager, can't wait to show my bones
I blurted it out as I wrote it up
I put my truest, bestest face
I arranged my guts so you can connect

Watch me, watch me do this.
I can look at it in the eyes
because it's alive but gone away
at the same time

Art saved me
from an early death
Art spared, eased the hell

the flame led me here
here I am, another product
on the list
but my flame better be fierce
she doesn't care about my bills

God is giving me some help
God is throwing me a thread
a rope for me to catch
a safe haven to have

I can't really take this
It's draining me! because
I am energy about to burst
All over your body, in pure lust

And I am so afraid, can you feel my pain?
This pent up joy, this pent up crave
I'm so bottled up in desire,
it's driving me nuts
not having you on my bed side

My flat - the place to come alive
I'm too caught up in my own desire
Tell me what's going on in your mind
Tell me all; for it feels like I die

I just want to come, come, come
in your arms!
I miss it so much
But God's throwing light my way
I can't wait; I can't wait

My world...you open it
you keep the key
maybe you carved it out of me
out of my heart, my *****, my love

But you...don't own me
So give me back that ******* key

My world...you are not the creator
I am the creator! You are just a trigger!
You are the muse! You can't abuse!
I've got lots of places to go! I don't need your ****!
I can have thousands of them, if I ever want!
I will curl back into my hole, just for comfort
But never more dark, now - a true home

Why can't I just buy the idea
that you love me back?
Why so much hassle for that magnificent fact?
Always seeing some tiny speck
of dirt in the picture
always something spoiling the fun
Why can't I surrender
for once and forever?
I love you - why always a hint of a shade?
You love me - why so unable to accept?

You make me feel whole - nothing left to add,
nothing left to say

I saw a star in the sky
My sky which was absolute, pitch black
with only a few signs of life
Nothing like witnessing his star
Nothing like us
And after years of light
the star is loved -even more- as it has been
but the eyes are used to the nurturing shine
no more a never seen
it's just a different thing to see
but beautiful as it is

Look at her - she's such a freak!
She sees things you never do
She lives in a world apart from you
She's the wasted kid, the little *****,
the unorthodox thought, the troubled one

Look at her! She ***** with guys twice her age
(and she's not sorry she still does)
Look at her! She's such a punk little strain
Hers is a truly tangled up brain
But she got up, she got out of what you had to say
And now she flies, or at least she always tries

Turned to stone fighting when she was young
No more, no more
At me you could never stare,
I am what you dread

She's the obstacle, your shadow girl
All she does defies what you just have said
And I can't help it, it's the way I am
The more I grow, I grow apart
I am not asking you to be me
I simply ask you as always just let me be
But you'll get rage again
Still I have to face
we are each other's challenge
can you survive myself
can I survive you too

Mad loving girl, can you take?
Am I made to stay here - till the end
I wanna be picked up some day
But my metal legs - they pull people away

I came out of the ward yesterday
I want to drown in your eyes - all the time
I want to see the bright city lights
which were nothing but fireflies

And I am already obsessed
and I'm already such a mess
I will always be myself
this is my curse, but I'm also blessed
Haven't I learnt?

Because I met you in the twilight
and the twilight became my life
Now the Sun does not illuminate anymore
Now something gone wrong

Just take tiny steps
learn to control your inner stress

I am reaping
maybe harvesting
who knows
but it's bitter
to think I won't sow anymore!
that I won't reap anymore -

There is joy everywhere
if you forget
The magic of the process
the magic to become
if you know how
there's always seeds to sow
don't **** the seeds,
baby, stay alive
Do what it takes
to keep the flame bright
everything will be
fine!

Today I mourn our death
A devastating pang in the chest
Although what never was
Can never die, or survive
But my hopes my love my pain
they were real as ****.

You never ever bought
me apart from selfish ***
And what should I do next
My house crumbles, questions to make
If this is love, I'd stick to hate

In what point did we become this?
I gave my whole life to nothing
And you kept it for yourself
Selfishly, as you always were

But the ******* - they are mine
My thirst - I used you first!
We ****** each other to death
To unlock what I had between my legs

And you might be the sickest man
Proof starts to overflow my hands
So far from what I thought we had
A hell boiled inside of me
Burning deep but I could not see

You never were for me, my man
At least you could have behaved, right?
You never were so nice -
Skeletons in the closet - plain old crap

I am not going to your bed ever again!
I don't need you to be complete now
You force me to be brutal and strong
You force me to be what I don't want

But to learn is our goal
I will learn again to love
Just sever the right from wrong
And go girl, go along.

You or anyone will never stop me

This is low energy happiness
This is mush smile
This is killing time
I am hurting myself
to stay alive
Where's the fever I felt?
Gone astray - I cry
I am not real anymore

I remember these days
in a hurtful sun
Made of bricks and lost dreams
While not aware of it
Who rot them?

His voice is the only ray of light
His beauty pervades it all - my **** angel
I can't reach it - it's at hand but my hand
slips
my brain - twitch, twitch

I am happy but something's amiss
it is the hole left by your kiss
or the struggle and the bliss

Will I have to live a life on hugs?
I've already been there - it doesn't pay off
While yearning for the true love -
I am in the other side of my brain
how can I get out?

I know more than I did
but still as lost as I've been
I think

Dead inside - but with a smile

And I came thinking of you somehow
It wasn't you, but it was close
the shadow of a man I saw
It wasn't expected but so is your love
You are an undeniable impulse
But so is he, in his very own way

And he is not real
but he has a point
he touches a side of me
if else asleep
Do I need to be free to reach?
What is this funny sparkle I feel?
Why it waned?

"Thank you Icelandic eyes
Thank you **** webs
Thank you holy break up
Thank you Twitter girls
Thank you friends
Thank you poetry"

He's the burning ice
And he's the everyday fire
Two sides of me
that I must reconcile

I am dying inside with all this ****
which shores up my soul
But I am seeing a new road
I need my vision dose
I saw my meaning, an answer
This is a remain too
What should I do?

I woke up this morning
feeling so odd
half bad, half good
all full of doubts

Change, I have to change!

Change because I can't stay
this way till we break
Our love is too great
"Our love defies understanding"

And get high on raw ***
and raw love
I have a thousand words
and a flickering, strong
feeling in my bones

Go ******* deep!
Sail on your ship!

I have already been here
What to do next? What to think?
Clouded thinking can be explained
in so many ways
I have already talked to God
(and it wasn't his voice at all)
I have already lost my mind
I have already felt sane, when I was going down

I really don't wish... - now I see it clear
No one is going to whisper the answer in your ear
But your own will
your own heart
your own being
No cards no omens and no advice
No foretelling no analysis no signs
but this riddle inside

Do I have to cleave
Do I have to keep
there is an answer, there is
but no one is going to show me
but myself

I got low with my own thoughts.
I got high again.
But the high had side effects
is that really all that is?

I got high and I hit my head
And there began my pain.
It's simple but I am going to comply.
But sometimes it still feels like a lie...
It's not second guessing
It comes from deep within

The light turns strobe-like
I can't abide

If I could account for my shadows and my rays
grab them and feel them, know them well
would it be better this way?
Do I have the key yet?
I think so!
But...

Is this a fake catharsis? How to difference
which is it?
What is the road to take? Open your eyes
You will see the game
Do not be fooled once again
Learning to do this, what life is

A smile
she shows her teeth shy
Now I do bite
Now I feel, now I am alive!

All I can say is: okay, it's okay,
I have nothing else to say
but this fullness of existence
And somehow, I am not in the least afraid
sometimes, I can't even feel the pain
the world is sure an ugly place
but look at the Sun
look at the sky, look at the plants,
take a hard look! look at people's faces
a world like this, can't be doomed to exist
the world is sure a disgusting place
but I can't really see it today
I'm too mesmerized
by the music playing everywhere
everything holds wholeness
everything is complete
I am, at least
and I am the Universe
today I feel at ease
it's so easy filling a modern girl, I guess
just give her love, give her art, give her ***

I feel satisfied
nothing could get me as high
this peace, this certainty
everything's gonna turn alright...
everything already is fine...

Sad, sad come tonight!
But I gotta explore this, till I go blind
Can't let myself slip from my hand

All that tingling in my skin
Won't all these mirrors tell the truth about me?
The mirror are gone, now grey walls
Sizzling girls, hard *****
Oh, so-called love killed them all
You burn in your own ashes
So you can't burn

And I'm back to the place I come from
but I can't look at it the way I did for so long
This is unbearable emptiness, a vacancy in the heart
And below my shorts.

I've been in the lowest low
and I don't want to go again, because I know!

I am a missing link, I am a restless thing
I can't stop, I can't live, because I miss
I miss what's sacred: bliss
I want so desperately to connect
To tear down those tethers from my head

No learning - just time wasting
Who dragged me here - by my own hand
This paradise-hell of **** and ***** stares
Turned into this dysfunctional state

Saddest ******
No love
Not even that one
Saddest ******
Saddest days
I need to get away
I need a good shrink today
Love hit rock bottom!
Can we go up from there -

There are tears breeding from your glee
A rejoicing so big it will get you ripped
and take you away, funnily, from that same fit
Bitterness as a note in your lollipop
Joy overload: you burst you blow.

There is a dark shade stemming from your best days
So much love, and hope, it will explode
There is fear it might be lost!
So much happiness, it overflows, it outgrows
and does a crazy turn

You don't understand
you're full of privilege
and that's what happens with privilege:
one can't even fathom to see
what your fellows do miss

I write here
like I was 15
again
but never again, now I can see,
now I can move, now I can shout
and you're spilling **** through your mouth
and I am silent, can't wait to leave the room at once

mom,
i heard you say "i don't miss anyone"
and that's the big divide
you're having it easy, I'm breaking down

You never dared looked me in the eye
until the doctor told you to do it for my life
and I guess that's the measure of your love
and the measure of your confusion when it comes
to my heart
and still you refuse my tears and my smiles
and it hurts, the divide gets bigger every day
we can't stop it even if it aches
but it feels like divine design, in a sense
and the despondency, then, aminorates

let's survive together
can we? I am not sure
we are not fighting the same at all
but let's respect each other's weight
if it can't be shared

Engrave this on your skin,
Your insides
And everywhere you need,
keep it with you, never forget this:
Love is not anxious.
Love wins.

Love is not that anxiety,
That tight chest, that maddened thought
Emotional nightmares
and much much worse
That bitter breeding brooding thing
That you need to **** but first it has to sting

Love
It's joy and peace
It is waking up with a smile
in your lips

Love waits because he’s sure he’s there
He is so undeniable he needs nothing else
Love is not sickly, love does not ache
Love – the balm for everyday

Love is our eyes. Our hands. This happiness
Filling me from inside.

Love is not a competition,
Love does not keep track of the blame,
because love simply knows no stress.
Love is effortless care.
Do not ask for more. Do not ask for less.
Love is always there.

And I’ve got this thing inside
That tells me “look at the other side”
Look at his faults, fill my head with doubt
and like a sudden sky to a sudden blizzard
when the vision comes, it all clears up

Love is those jeans
that fit you perfect, at home,
when no one sees,
but you're at your most.
Love goes beyond all you are supposed
to know

Love does not obsess. Yet it does not stop me
because I can't help
Thinking about you, wondering when
We’ll be close
Again
And that’s not a sin. That’s not a fail.

It happened once
so it can happen twice
If you could reach the sky,
it can happen again, no doubt
you can

Yeah, you failed once
and it could also happen twice.
But after you fell, twice, too,
you will rise again.

I ain't been listening to Bikini ****
in my bedroom for nothing!
Because, you know - you are not winning
This time, I am not the girl I used to be
You'll have to seek me if you want to fight me
Because I won't be there
I will be gone away - and I will be present
as I've never been

This is for the *******
for the demons
This is for the bad fathers
This is for the misfits out there
This is for us, you know who you are

This is for myself
do not forget what makes you shake
This is for myself
Girl hold on some days more
and you'll have it again...

Love is a threat
love is a danger fix
scary to be in
scarier to never be

I have to call my therapist
the only thing keeping me up - this

I think I need the sick spot
the endless gut spilling
it's too much for God's sake
Give myself some rest
Pills, tourniquet, sewing,
creating
healing

I think I need the sick spot
to never go sick again
a little detour to never stray

I have to call her next morning
I might do it or not, but keeps me floating
I am halfway to hell and halfway to bliss
And in the middle, this.

Like I was again dreaming of
that airport where I got lost
I am not anxiously roaming,
because I've got a note
next appointment with her

Clutching my sheets tightly
but so relaxing
Talking to him, calmly
thinking that I have to call you
next morning

and you ask why
this is why!
the walls I erected
were to stay protected

I cannot let you
touch my soul
it seems stupid
but I know

it's a move I don't know where I learnt
the reflex of saving yourself, I guess
the soul wants to exist, nonetheless
and you stand in its way
(no bitterness)

just a realization
of why things are what they are
if we abide, we will survive
lots of bureaucracy and diplomacy
to stay alive
you call me many things,
but you are so ******* blind

I cannot let you win
you say it's not war but for me,
within,
it is

We might love each other
but it's better to stay away
hell ensues, if we dare not to behave
stay away, for peace's sake
stay away, to carry on every day

because
I cannot let you
feel my soul
it seems avoidant
but I know

I am back - I never went away
All you've been - all you are today
The heart never rests, it heals and re-creates
The glass breaks to the old tunes
It never forgets

So, tune in to this old station
Of songs awakening dormant wide-eyed passions
And watch her come back, say look at me
We are one - we will always be

And I show this stranger her real name
And we talk in the rain
Washing out our pain...
And she shows me the path
In a meeting from above that goes beyond time

She is back, she crashes into my brain
She is dead - but I am not dead yet
And it was true - but I could hear something else
The distant voice - the scream - of the old self
Saying, showing:
"The wounds you carried
they beat below the stitches, but it's not the pain only,
it's the heartbeat of the living"

Everything is dying and eternal,
waiting to regenerate...
watch out for the demons
but speak to them first

I still wonder how I did it
how could I ever survive?
How did I manage to keep a smile
every day of that tough summer ride

How could I put up not with one,
but two men at the same time?
How could I confess my soul to my friends,
write poems, not get trapped?
How could I distill so much from...so much?

I guess it was my furiously ***** hand
every night
how did I cope with all of that?
how did I ever accomplish that task?

I guess that strength lives still inside
I should never forget that

Had a vision
High on music and thought
It flickered, not clear enough
But I had a vision about us

Had a vision - where will it lead?
Where will it go? Like a
it heals my self-bruised heart

But still I am stressed
But still I am there!
Still things I don't understand!
But still I'm struggling
The vision guarantees nothing
So much chaos inside
And philosophical, earthly lack

Had a vision - high on life
It's all I want, my soul's desire

I have no idea where it goes
what I'm building or what I want
But I am going further on
I can't stop
And I want him, I think this is safe to say
is it a flower of one day?

I've got problems instead
the fireflies want to go astray
they linger in my *******
and if I call them they go away

I have no idea what I'm doing now
But I can't go back to your house
I was getting free, but
I always **** up in some way
Feels like this is a crashing delay

Let me open my wings
I will fly
give me time
I am so deeply afraid
of this bunch in my chest
this arousal leading nowhere
this obsession holding me down
I just want you
I do - pardon my knot
it hurts it hurts it hurts

Shaking and certainly not well
on my way to being a good girl
Where on earth
are the stairs to my place?

I want this, I really do
but I cannot swallow the stream of grey
and feel it's good

I can do, but not what they want me to!

Because I can't help being who I am
It's my curse and my blessing
It's what I was running away from,
what I was chasing

It's not laziness
It's not lack of whatever
It's the consciousness that
I have alien brothers

We communicate from afar
Alienated and found,
connoisseurs of what lies
further than your 9 to 5
(specially when you swallow
that ******* line till it ***** you dry.
I could change, but I could die)
We live in the other side
But not so far gone
Health is a lie, when using your words

We are the freaks
I am the freak
I will fit your lines
but be careful
I will slash them when they are mine!
I am a trojan in your house
because you will be my death if I don't rush

I'm coming from Pain Lane
a nasty place to stay
but I am bringing back a sack
with the things I could take
so you don't need to go there

I bring beautiful words
I bring an intense sketch
I bring my best! you could say
It's been hell but all you see
is the beauty that I shed

In Pain Lane there's nothing to do
but desperation all the time
but in the space between aching hours
a piece of what you need you find

Dark night of the soul
brings light forward

I'm coming from Pain Lane
it's the price to pay
it's God's payback for the sufferment
that I underwent

and the Sun it shines bright
and you say to yourself,
"Oh, hell, I've been to Pain Lane".
And you should never forget

Emotional coming out
I did a lot this year so far
Alex says it's all growth
This arc for my role
could not have been foretold

Every day closer to the flame
Getting burnt for fun
My heart? It lies in my mouth
So I spit sweet blood
It's a blessing and a curse
specially behind closed doors
that allowed me to go far

The first time I lost my mind
the first time I did something alone
was because I had no one!
Toxic knots that I weaved on my own...
Collective opus - these toxic knots

Is my destiny to break down in pieces?
No, but I live for bleeding
It's such a thick wall to keep on living
You helped me become myself
but every sweet bite from the cake
I earned
I have a lot of thankfulness, even love for you,
but no connection that's true

I am a tortured artist! I am everything you hate!
You are everything standing in my way!
Yet...
We untie these toxic knots with everyday's deeds
so let's keep rolling like the sea

Let me be! Let me be!

I talk to my friend Bradley more than you
But I'm being bitten by the bug of doubt too
But I know he doesn't love me like you do
But there's a catch we have at which we have to look

And I struggle to meet you outside our bed
Which is sweet but it's not just everything
I need it most when I feel it's lost
I feel like I had lost something along the way
You are getting lazier every day
And I am getting tired as well
But you are losing things for real, maybe
But something's gone sour inside of me

Should I go out and bewitch them with my words
Should I open my wings and fly
flying is not half as fun as with you
but a bird cannot clip her wings, drop her life
I saw something in the water gazing at me
A shadow whose look I could not beat

And the tears come again
down my face
mom says don't cry for men
but it's hard not to
when you loved so much
It's hard not to when you gave your heart
When he carried you heaven above
When you shared kisses everywhere
and now just empty loving and space

And what if really we were wrong
and we cannot stay here in love.
And what if this was a dream
now I gotta go get higher things?

I was lost, in the world
unable to control
my powers had me out of it
The world felt like a mess
but such was my head
Tangled tinsel threads
Tangled myself
I will never forget

I am drowning in my pain, but probably
Just getting more and more sane

Every now and then
hell
knocks back again
But I have a torch light
in my hand
I have bruises all over my body
reminding me the victories

And now I'm off the ward
still need an injection sometimes
I walk on my own, and the Sun smiles
on my eyes
can't believe I am this good

Maybe it's just a matter of...
sometimes that you can't explain
you can only ride along
explain with broken words
that make all the sense in the world
Follow the beat, jump the rope.
Do not get lost
Get lost, gal

New ******* the rise
it's the same old but without the bind
Today things went my way: I did not break
I could handle the whole, and the whole was okay.
I smiled the whole day.

I am a woman fracturing her shell
this is something no one did expect
at some point, not even myself
But here I am
Wave goodbye the tears. I've been through this.
The gate opens. I want to take the lead.
It's coming closer, I just can't turn and leave
I won't turn and leave.

You said to me:
The better version of you does not cry every night.
I say: I am deep, I am strong, I am fine! I can!
The better version of you looks into the Sun
and does not go blind! The mist does not blur your eyes!
It's not beauty and it's not true or any good
to dwell on the grim parts, to hold on languidly,
rabidly
to gloom

What's the secret, you'll say?
No secret, shh, it's as easy as it gets
but it can't be spoken, it gets lost
Shh! Tell no one.

"The paranoid cannot love"
I saw that answer about the world
So true it hurts

The paranoid cannot love
Because to love is really to trust
No love in those stunted hearts
Questioning what, when and why
instead
Seize the untouchable with your hands!
Do not grab with avarice!
Just with endless delight...

Paranoia rips you and the rest
Makes a death eater out of you
Swallowing all the light, creating distress
A lifetime of suspicion and pain
A lifetime, wasted away
(She exists but she cannot rule the scene)

I won't join that club, because I know better
To forget, to forget - to trust, forever
Not closed to love
Not closed to life, at all.

Sometimes a question lays open
(it happened to me for days)
It came out of nowhere.
And the answer you crave. It takes up space.

The answer is there all the time.
So stop looking for it every elsewhere.

The answer is blank – a kaleidoscope
it is nothing and it contains it all
and it screams at you:

Stop, stop, stop obsessing about things!
Enjoy the kiss and do not wonder what it means
Because you know, if you dare not
To ask and just hear the answer
Straight from his lips

And I was terribly broken hearted
Emptied of what I love the most
So I rushed to write you a message
always at my whims! poor one!
a tool of God

"I should have loved you the way you deserve"
but what filled us was his absence
the mere reason we existed was to obliterate
my fate, as tragic and gleeful as it gets
love, that liberating chain around your neck
your life, your death

My memories crowd me and invade me
I wish I never talked to you again
This is not your place! And you don't know
that night I came
I bit my lip not to scream his name

Vicariously happy memories
because of what we could have been
were you not you and were I not me
but sweet reality always wins
a dream that's slowly choking me

Weren't it for you,
I could have never known like I do
Tool of God, sad sacrifice of love

I will give you back your books one day
This is the kiss I never gave you
the kiss you'll never get

I loved you like a refugee
I loved you because you were there
to cauterize the pain

Now I'm forgiven, I'm delivered
and I can go around with him
I hope you find her really soon dear
you deserve her, like a million
yeah that's the way it is
because it simply won't be me.

Mother - you make me choose
between my love and you

You reanimate all my inner fears,
all these little nuisances that do itch!
You want to help me but
you don't know what the deal is

And I look at him and I can't feel his love
Did you place a screen to protect my heart?
Or to protect yours?
Do I want to become the rotting ****** I was
Do you want me not to reach who I can be?

And you are like a knife,
that turns to poisonous thoughts
filled with love
I don't want to talk because
to each their own world

Do I have to battle this now - is this not a demon to slay now - but a handicap, earthly prickly one.
You pit the dogs against us - his sin,
his birth year
My brain pollutes, mom - if I let you in
I just cannot be.
If you let me in, I'll burst yours from within.
But you'll close your eyes, you can't see.

You've never understood
so I stopped waiting for you to do.
You don't know about my life and death,
about how I freed myself.
It was his hand - all over me
It was sacred fate - and a good shrink

There is a stone in my heart
There is a blockage saving face
It's draining me, leaving me dry
Everything - twirling, spinning inside
Every day, a thread of mistakes.

There is something I process but don't grasp
I've been here before - somehow
I've seen the green plastic grass
I've seen the cloudless and threatening sky

I've been through a lot, so I want to become
the girl of my dreams, dreams pushed by the world
Get a younger lover, get along better with my parents.
I can't carry on with my own mind. My own desires.
I got too heavy for my own life.

I guess I can get off the train, step back again.
It takes discipline - how to tame feelings?
Today another messy knot in my head.
Today all the hell appears back again
but I can handle, not the same girl

The now is all I have
but still I feel starved
I can't wait for **** to happen
I can't wait for us

But the now is all I have
Can't move from what's real
Make my way in this land
while I get what I need