And I was terribly broken hearted
Emptied of what I love the most
So I rushed to write you a message
always at my whims! poor one!
a tool of God

"I should have loved you the way you deserve"
but what filled us was his absence
the mere reason we existed was to obliterate
my fate, as tragic and gleeful as it gets
love, that liberating chain around your neck
your life, your death

My memories crowd me and invade me
I wish I never talked to you again
This is not your place! And you don't know
that night I came
I bit my lip not to scream his name

Vicariously happy memories
because of what we could have been
were you not you and were I not me
but sweet reality always wins
a dream that's slowly choking me

Weren't it for you,
I could have never known like I do
Tool of God, sad sacrifice of love

I will give you back your books one day
This is the kiss I never gave you
the kiss you'll never get

I loved you like a refugee
I loved you because you were there
to cauterize the pain

Now I'm forgiven, I'm delivered
and I can go around with him
I hope you find her really soon dear
you deserve her, like a million
yeah that's the way it is
because it simply won't be me.

There is a stone in my heart
There is a blockage saving face
It's draining me, leaving me dry
Everything - twirling, spinning inside
Every day, a thread of mistakes.

There is something I process but don't grasp
I've been here before - somehow
I've seen the green plastic grass
I've seen the cloudless and threatening sky

I've been through a lot, so I want to become
the girl of my dreams, dreams pushed by the world
Get a younger lover, get along better with my parents.
I can't carry on with my own mind. My own desires.
I got too heavy for my own life.

I guess I can get off the train, step back again.
It takes discipline - how to tame feelings?
Today another messy knot in my head.
Today all the hell appears back again
but I can handle, not the same girl

K Girl was ditzy and dumb
but that's all her charm!
No dumbness in happiness
Vitality flowing every place

K speaking too much
K in love with Ben
(I never forget those things, girl)
Your happiness is glossy and pink
Like your lipstick cheap

K forgot her friends
because she fell in love
and when they broke up
she drowned in a sea of tarot cards
and I was there, watching her twilight
her writhing to the bright

K, who knows of secrets
never spoken
she can't believe I am that broken
Bumble hustling all over!
lass, you'd be surprised
if you knew the hell I underwent
right since we met

The now is all I have
but still I feel starved
I can't wait for **** to happen
I can't wait for us

But the now is all I have
Can't move from what's real
Make my way in this land
while I get what I need

Jorge
now we are there
Jorge
how hungry I was then!
Your sweet veiny arms
those wandering brown eyes
those brains, I wanted to drown
in them
your depth, that ****** depth!
You ****** me in because
I wanted to be you, not yours

And now, in fact,
I am not yours at all
because I am a woman of my own
You were beautiful, though.
I always fell for beauty, you know

It is a blessing, and certainly a weight
that time passed and we're still friends

If we didn't know each other for years
I wouldn't put up with you;
you would not put up with me
We are from realms that clash between
We're acquired family
over laughter, concealed tears for me
We're an acquired taste
How come people from such different worlds?
Having nothing to do
what knitted us so close?
How come we are standing on the street
discussing  my life and its feats
discussing beliefs, things that will tear us apart
if we don't run away from it
I know, if the timing had been different
we would not be here.
But that is the magic of possibility
the magic of life
always going further
than we always can conceive

Your jacket
Is so big and warm
It makes me so bold
So calm

Your jacket – my jacket now!
I carry it everywhere I go
A little piece of home

It makes me feel queen
not because it's yours
or mine, but
because we made it

It fits me so well
In a weird, uncommon way
It makes them stare
It makes me bloom instead

Some people frown on my jacket
Because it’s too much for them
I have to look other way,
Never get caught in their jails!

My friends agree: we can’t understand
Fully all of this
But we do see your glee
How you beam when he appears
In your phone screen

And this jacket is somehow my life
Because it makes me feel so nice!
I got used to its comfy touch
Now I can’t just live without!

I pull it out the closet
The power overflows.
It’s a tiny token
That brings me back
To our love

Today - there are clouds
intermitently, bringing me down
but I hear a song in my head...
and music heals the devil's threat

Did I work my way to hear
-am I to be congratulated-
or did she come to me?
I don't care - I just believe

I just wait, I just wipe out
the dirt from my pink shades
Perfect's close, I said
"And it's thanks to days like these
you learn to appreciate things"

But:
Oh! I still need the perfect
that comes anytime my way
the Sun rays blinding sight of anything else!
I am still a sucker for rainbows
shooting star
northern, all kinds of light
I live for them, for them I am alive.
Give me the quiet ecstasy
morning after, moon above
-another kind of light, for love-
(not far from your arms)
Give me the glitter, the gleam, the shine
spilling out, spilling into my insides.

The Sun calls me, no cease, I can't say no
the clouds, you know, they'll fade and die out.
Speak up, for sound makes the devil drown.

You left me for good, for sure
You are not here anymore
And I love you
But I am starting to scatter
to flutter
there is magic that you diseminate
but you are starting to wane

The inertia goes
and there is a standby in my bones
a peace I didn't know
This is nothing but a wasteland, but...
I wish I could truly love...

My mental liaisons seem so real
I could feel him in my bed for a little bit
The  old cold is seeping through again...
but it was the prelude to really sail...
I am thirsty for what I can't touch
I live for the ashes, if I can't have the fire

Are you coming back? Are we?
He won't be here
And neither will I be

I feel like I could not write
it ***** up my mind
what is it I am so afraid of
perfection, happiness, for once?

I feel unstuck
and that's good, that's great!
if you touch things, they'll turn to ****
not to gold, hey

that deep need to tell
crosses with my need to live
my need to meet God
to do versus to speak
I don't think they are so apart, you see

I will venture deep into my brain
with one hand outside the hole
to climb back
so I don't lose my soul

Irony everywhere
it's the key to success

That old love
which you called love
which was nothing but
loneliness and hunger
for a body close

He filled nothing
but the void in your guts
which was so profound
you could not even tell
you were inside

That sunrise
in the twilight
That hint of nothing
which spawns something

Reorganize your brain
or at least
don't let the cobwebs
take place

And when you woke up
it was gone, as a dream it was
but it lingers in the day
as a shadow
of what could have been
it speaks volumes
in a language that can't be read

the beauty of arriving there
of the lingering beat!
a stream down my legs
I am waiting for you, dear
(you are not dying
you will be ******* reborn
you do it every morning
with the rising Sun
embrace the joke)

I loved you! Oh, I never said so
because it wouldn't be true

The words lingered in my lips
plastic and eager to exist
because they were not real

I said, "let's love this one"
to get away from my own heart
but that's emotional suicide
just with more casualties beside

Those dim nights I loved you,
but only as much as I could

Lonely masturbations and late night cries
It never stops - the joke is alive
and so is the laughter inside

The siege state ends
and when we rise from our graves...
we will lose our minds
if we haven't before
are you strong?

I am drifting away
losing all of my sense

Siege state for the soul
Can you spare me some

I thought I could laugh
but the enemy lives within
siege state covering everything

No virus like your own
Hold on, hold on, hold on
I am surviving right now
But I will come back
(you should do as I)

Everything is alive
because fire, simply, does not die
and if you are crying tonight
your life won't fade away like that
hark! it will pass.

It's all gratitude today
the anger has gone away

So many days thinking about
the ways you did me wrong
And now I see it clear
everyone does love
in the way they very can
it might be flawed, but still
it's love
and I must be thankful for it
And then, peace will follow

You helped me
Even if it was God's hand
You are my past
and despite all the pain and blast
We were beautiful,
even if only sometimes

That girl clogged with life...
She's choking, it shows
But she's got a promise
She doesn't know
but she's not alone

You were able to see when I was blind
and forever I am thankful to God
You knock somehow deep into my soul now

Maybe it was visible in between the cracks
maybe I was broken but some light
seeped out
my resistance
burning down

And now you tell me this and I am surprised
that someone saw past my antics
(I will always be crazy, that's my gift
but I can find ways to be crazy
which are truly me, ways that fulfill -
the blessed crazy marching towards the Sun!)
and my sickly side -who took control,
for years, I drowned, I drowned-
but there was a time
when it wasn't like this
it was in future
thank God I didn't get to die at 13

These poems mean nothing at all
I need to hold it in my palm
I ran away for years
but now I want to touch and be touched in turn

I know you love me, and it's all love
But I had to rip this umbilical cord
it got around my neck
I was about to choke

One of the circumstances that make you be who you are,
or is it rather
the circumstances were because of who I am?

I know you love me, can't say I don't
but it intoxicates, bye dear, I had to wave
In our distance, we became close
There are oceans between us,
and the ocean is pretty to watch
we look so nice in our worlds...
my world feels like it can breathe on its own
only intersecting in times odd
I love you, but we have to coexist
never to share our cores

Yet your umbilical cord
will buy me the freedom I need,
not want.
Your umbilical cord, will serve a purpose

Take out that one - she's a bore
she's a beast hiding in mother's words
I never needed her, not anymore
She gives pain to those I love
She's misbegotten - she has squinty eyes
but claims to see for miles

That girl ain't me
So I have to kick her out
She messes with my fun
She breaks my heart by sparing me hurt
**** her - I'm done with her stuff

Oh man, I pictured you in my bed
But we are turning sour or at least I do myself.
I rotted away, but it wasn't you
I die for your kiss: but can I go further than that
(I want it bad, I want you bad)?

I know the answers I just can't read now
I have to listen to my heart - and my *******

How quick! Is this the comeback I expected?
All my energies again all distorted!
I was doing so well - now uphill
counterflowing again

To fight for what you want: you mustn't
To give in to this rhythm: you musn't
How to find the way
in this very knotted thread!

What do I do everynight
What do I do everyday.
Chasing men and chasing a dream tinsel made.
How do I put my pieces back together?
With this schizophrenic puzzle I create

Throwing myself towards the barbed wire of ***
Such a curse and so blessed
I want it so bad, yet I can't get
Timing of the universe, be good to me this time!
Universe, please hold my hand! Please do not let it die!

My friends say "this is your place"
it's like I was born remotely
I feel at ease, strangely, here

Holding you, Amy, I feel you close in the air
like you were the only one who understands
all the pain
I'm going through these days
all my tricks, my tears, my men
yet you stay beautiful in your hell
it's an art - we know it well

In Camden everything fits
these colourful expensive shoes
art bursting in any available inch
the everlasting rain, watches the scene

London! I need to drown in you again
I washed myself in the Thames
London! You are not my hometown
but you left a sweet dent in my heart

To meet you at a different time
To make it sweeter than last
not running away anymore
living in the home of love

You are moving in circles demented and small
You can witness the shore, but you never go
You get lost but you can see your home
there's a way out
because you are not fully gone

Health is a lie
You have to learn to look in the eyes
Health is a state
you can't always attain

Health flees and stays
you can't summon her
she summons you instead

Some call her health,
some call her happiness
different names
same thing in the end

(She said take your brains out
you don't need them to do good
drown in my sugar darkness
humid and fruitful)

I've changed so much
I just can't go back there

There is something I can't catch
why?

Dare to trespass the limits
to get somewhere other

I have to trace the lines
to know where this mess began
Pick up the threads, knots to untie

Learn to look at things the way they are
that's the only way out
No glitter rays, but no grim days
Just godly ways

Why did it look so good
why it's turning a nightmare
will you hold my hand dear
walk with me through hell

Show me the other side
please goddess please

Everything got muddled
everyday more and more
how to stop
Break the cycle, end up the war

Oh, don't get any mistaken with me
I am just a neurotic *****
obsessed with *** and ****
Every little pain just adds to the stake

And if it breaks, because I won't
We'll throw a party, all giddy up
(I am afraid as ****)

Fake, fake everything.
Gotta go to sleep - reboot me
Please God don't keep me here

Ah, my sweet Icelandic crush.
I've been through you before.
I saw your face then, thought: ***?

Beauty is beauty I guess.
I never could break away from the spell.
But I must be able to separate
types of beauty

I was just clumsy
I am clumsy

Tumblr girls dedicate their lives
to guys they will never know
I am drowning with them tonight
I was one of them back in time

And you were sweet
until you popped in my hot dreams
You never were one!
You just came to trouble me

Everything is so intrincate and delicate
Everything is everything
Everything so dual
Everything so fake, so true

And this is a love fantasy
not true love or lust
this is a beautiful face
doing damage

Male muse
You are just like all of them
So destructive
Are you real?

I met him when lost
and tell me, who is not?
these days I had to build a world...
but I lacked the pulse
nevertheless, I started to walk
and it's fruit now, the seed I laid
when I was halfway there
I've been lost for years
and I was wandering
being lonely, pseudo-wild and free

And I remember
all the things we said
two freaks become friends...
he's a polyglot closeted gay
she's a ******* mess
waiting to hatch the egg
but
the bond that we made
got broken as soon as I break
was it real? in a way it was
for nothing is true or false

The demons assailed me
that's why I ran away
that's why I cried my guts out
and drowned in a sick hug

I wish we could meet at the gates
So we could join back
and talk heart to heart
trying not to look back to the past
but rather saying, hey, we made it this far
and now we can look at each other's face
and laugh at all the **** we've been

your love, your love
always fills me
and that's why it has so much potential
to **** me

I cannot go without you
you're part of my core
but you pierce me,
just because
I love you so

I have to live with this
this double edged sword
this almighty love
that takes me to heaven
and makes me ache in turn

Pain must be spoken
else you'll be broken
and you won't even notice
I can't speak out
it hurts too much

But I gotta overcome
The wound is there nevertheless
My screaming won't solve anything
but it will relieve this stress

The wound is there nevertheless
it just grows and grows and I look somewhere else
it's a good strategy, but you are still there
what's squeezing me so tight? I am out of breath!

Alice show me the way
the way to my own pain
so I can kick it out at once
You show me through my eyes
what I knew all the time

You make me sick! You make me feel all wrong!
I run away from pain, because pain is all I know
I oscillate between pure joy and hope
and sheer despair and ache in my heart

this eternal mismatch
i can't let myself be killed
but something's doing it
I don't care; I still moan in the in betweens

You never understood a thing! But Alice does!
Alice, have you thought of the damaged teens?
I did

Give me rawness, go
This is no way to keep on
I've cried and sweated and felt a lot
Give me raw ***, raw love

Can I change my ways?
Can we try it again?
I love you more when I think I don't
But the truth is, I love you whole...

I will think of us.
I won't get wasted on this.
I will come back with an answer on my lips.
Can I come back now that I lost everything?
Or so it seems...
Why was I able to feel you so deep
in the shadows of my despair?
I held the key
But the demons are after me

I see the patterns
but I can't spot the answers
Happiness needs to be found
never sought after

Watch her down the stairs!
Losing herself, no kind of self-respect
no self-love, just a bunch of nerves
raging and breaking down
and no one's there to pick her up

Watch her hugging strangers
that only give her nausea and pain
watch her frantically trying
to escape

Watch her wait, watch her break
and sew her organs at the same pace
watch her ****** arms
watch her tears and the void inside

Watch her existing, not blooming anymore
she didn't choose the road, the road chose
"not blooming anymore?" Oh God
she rose from the dead back in time
can she do it twice?

Is she rotting, is she?
She feels like she's dying at such a speed
Fear freeze, fear freeze
How to survive in the belly of the beast?
That madwoman I've been and never been
is here again, I must watch her do her thing

I was all high
And I didn’t even realize
I stare at the glass
My face, but not my mind
And I see the surgeon I was
Only with tears and headache this time
Everything dissolves in life
Every hint of disorder dies.
Everything breathes in contact with soil
Everything suddenly is suffused with joy
A hurtful joy, that fears its demise.
But ah, such is life. A dance with death all the way!

Today I drown, today I shake
Today the sky looks grey, and I feel in pain
Although I fear my soul knots again.
I drowned my head in the water, just in case it hurts.
(I better solve my problems with this move)
Poetry, I love him, I wish I did not sometimes!
Poetry came to me slowly, like a light.
Maybe a searchlight, because of the dark.
And the pain I could not take, poetry would do her share.
Maybe I should portray her like a lover, and make her a man.
Or do I forget?
I broke up with my boyfriend because I needed to breathe lines,
Angels whispered in my ear it was about time.
And the final answer was I needed his body against mine.
“You’ve been there before, *****, you’ll make sense of this”…

It might be gone,
but today I grab my raincoat and wait for the worst.
No rainbows, but this song.

Do not call your friends hastily so tired
with a fever from hell
on the dark convoluted pits of it, do not dwell!
Do not start throwing stuff all over the room
Do not start shaking on the floor
Do not protect you from pain
in the form of self-inflicted wounds
Run away from those ways! They will only lead you astray

And I saw it clear, in tears
where it all boiled down to - this
you are making this big
(I am at a loss with words with it)
There was something I could do...

Take things in a new manner
Whatever is will be.
I carry on my heavy heart.
But it won't explode no more.
No bomb.
I am keeping it under check.
I am teaching it how to behave
Symbiotic - we both learn

Look at things with a fresh eye
Cooled down: not tormented inside
And if I have to speak up, I will.
And if we have to die, we will, indeed
But what if we have to bloom, thrive,
grow up (another time)
What if there was more to life?

The other side - saying ye come, come ye
You have to see the dark in the sun, the sun shining
in every trap
The other side - calm down, let's not panic
calm down - no use in crying

I am carrying my heavy heart -maybe it will never get lighter,
been living for too long with that.
But he won't wreck my life
My heavy heart will rise

I am not creating and I am not coming

What's this ****?
It makes me cry, bury my head in your chest
in desires that never come anywhere
Oh, dear,
if I could make myself shake again

I am so afraid

Your closeness changes everything
but my stress
(it unleashes these fears
makes me feel that current
head to feet)
but all those images in my head
falling prey

And I can catch it for a sec
Be my teacher, I'll listen to your words
like pagan scripture
(best scripture)
Can you hold me, through this pain?
Can you take me, high again?

The past is always a ******* dark dart
I can't let it come back

I love you so much
but it feels incomplete
do I have to go through this?
a hole pouring down my heart
Emo imagery - don't dare put down

it is close, it is close!
just close your eyes
and when you arrive
you'll know, you know
(you know the road,
you know the pace leading to the door)

My poems are witchcraft to my brain
I do sorcery with anything
But today, it seems to slip
I am away, away from me

"I am stuck"
Remember the last time you said that?
You drowned deep down in your mind
I am missing the sap
I am missing something, I fear so much

Maybe the solution is simply to let go
This little inconvenience to hold.
World is what you make of it.
Don't make a fuss.

I'm inside out
And everything is haunted now

Those little obsessions
that I will never leave
they will leave me
why can't that be?
It is once, but today the rain
clouds the Sun

Look at me in the eye
The answer somewhere lies
You will find, you will find,
rest assured, you troubled lass.
Do not worry about the bottom of life!
There is no light -
(Save your words, they hold none)

Writing a poem to you feels old
because once upon a time
you became my ideal world

You never understood me;
and that's the fun of it
I never fully grasped you;
and that's the magic you did

Your clean-cut world
No wonder, watched over by God!
A dream not your own
Throat about to collapse, to choke

You are my contrary
yet you are so appealing
because you don't contain crowds like me
with all of its restlessness
all of its fits, its bursting glee

Yet you have secrets;
I'm pretty sure you *******
when you think about Pitbull
or your boyfriend
and if you don't, then I don't know

Church going gal
Laughter and a bright smile
So intoxicating
So dangerous – only sometimes.