I don't understand the union between
mind and body
spirit and matter
but i became closer to it
the time you did that to me
I don't understand the heart
it is a strange machine to put to work
but the most natural of them all

I want all of you with me
but there's a wound in me
I need to get healed
and it was your fingertips
the meds
not his

my cheap thrill
got asleep in his arms
while reminiscing about you
he's not scary now
you never were
it was me
now i'm between two waters
and you call me like the sea
two ways to roar
two ways to live
but the same scheme
over and over again
But in the end
it's you

I'm a schizotypal in Babylon
Struggling to find my place in the world
The buildings are beautiful God is in every Stone
The lust of Babylon swallows me whole

And I fight, I fight
to get a hold of that
Violently open violently closed
I want to live a life but oh...

Oh this city is not brazen it is solid gold
It is so earthy and moving and funny
A rush of blood spreading through the body
There are men and women in every corner
and they speak of love with luscious tongues

And it's a battle, 'cuz I am limp
but the city lights, they're calling me
I try, I try, but I cannot stop trying

A schizotypal in Babylon
I belong here but sometimes IDK
Sometimes I can feel the huge gap and divide
But I refuse to think I cannot take this ride

I'll do it my way, I always did
but no one's kicking me outta here
A schizotypal in Babylon
in the city of God

He's not gonna call
because you are such a bore
you have to pick your bones from the floor
Your cheap thrill? Won't hit you anymore
Because I could see the ephemeral flowers dying
his Words as smothering and hurting
as men's are...

He's not gonna get back, he'll break your heart.
Or maybe it'll be bleached the other way around.
but you will! give it time
"Give me time, baby, so I can fix my life"
And you'll rush into his arms,
***** thoughts at the subway hoarding your mind!
How he makes you breathless, makes you moan
How he understands it all
Now you are far from him,
you could say "I love the man".

Because, who can make me feel the way he did?
I'm seeking a new thrill but I'm on the queue to it.
It hurts that he's gonna leave. No matter if just three days of this.
It hurts a lot. Men should have *****.
Cheap thrill! I love you!
It's the only thing I never stop doing.

Cheap thrill on a dark movement
on a drunk spree
Cheap thrill, now I see
maybe I must get back
with him, with him, with him.

**** all the men in the world.
Leave me ******* alone.
You don't want our ruin
Turns me to bleach
and I get burnt
Let me float in space
And never think of love, oh love...

Tell me how he pulls sounds from my throat
like no one does
the waters scream his name
they roar
He plays the strings of my heart
(Love is the biggest turn on)
And oh you Little boy
you give me joy
but nothing reaching his...

We are broken
but one day we'll be mended
I'll be mended
Because you have meant everything to me
in fact, you mean, and I cry on the street
for you, for you, for me, for us.

Oh my man, I won't forget
but there's a catch, there's always one
breaking all my love, wretching all I get
I know I never said so,
but I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I will be back sooon.

Victim of the bleaching waves, we all will be

I am the surgeon
Operating in your heart
with cold blood

I am the surgeon
because I'm lost
I'm lost in an ocean of impulses
I've had enough
I hurt you with my moves inside your guts
no anesthetic for us
but PJ Harvey and words
but this is needed
to save our lives
a heart open surgery
of the soul

I am the surgeon
hearing voices from everywhere
steering different places
a bunch of nerves
a bunch of loneliness

God knows I have fear, God knows I doubt
but surgeons just cut
after you, the emptiness
the pain of being a surgeon
after you, the nothingness
but the water was drowning me
the water drowns
when you don't swim well enough

I am a surgeon tonight
I am conscious of it
I try to cry
but my emotions are apart
like a good surgeon would act

And the fear appears
why am I doing this?
I heard the noise outside
and it has left me deaf
What step
to take?
Why am I blinded
by the city lights?
but i see the water lightened by those lights
and it drives me crazy! mad!
I lose my mind

I need time to think, to process
you were standing in the way
but maybe he is too
But he's made me smile wide
See
the struggle of those
who seem strong!
Those with the cold hand!

You're away so I'm back again

Guys from everywhere
Call out my name
While you're away
What do you do
when I'm not there?

In the bus, in the Internet, in the train
You opened the faucet, my love!
I was out! Now I'm not!
I'm back again!
They are everywhere
Wanting to get to know me well
Wanting to get inside my pants, yeah
To restart the process again...

The world in my hands today
But it's not like it was yesterday
I've been here, I could say
While you're away, I drown my head
in those streets of the world
paved within phones
"I vacuumed out my head
Jumping from bed to bed"
But my name's not Gretel
And I'm waiting for the phone to ring
I want it to be you, but surely it is him

The promise of love again
Can you reach that apple?
Is it too far away?

It's like that
Every break up brings me back
Twists me up
shuts my mouth with normalcy and stuff
My poetry is magic - have to take care of it
Control well the energies - keep the spells with me

And I see myself
roaming the world without your hand
And I see myself
utterly lost but you're not to blame
Woke up from a dream, where the shapes were beautiful and sweetly moving
now I must learn living
so my eyes can see the shapes as they are: as in a dreaming state

I'm writing in a sweat - people will be there
maybe I need to accept my fate
Everything is periphery to me.
but fighting is hard, i get no pleasure from it

I can see myself
drowning after you
people make me drown
and beauty will creep
everywhere
it is.

I've been talking to random guys
because I go everywhere
and I find men
they hoard my space
Wasted my time
Got really sad, felt lost and blocked
Gotta put my life out in its track

I've been feeling a pressure in my chest
That's something not right there
The phone and its rhythms now
erase me from myself
on the edge of breaking

I've got a lot of toxic energy to release
it's starting to make me weak
it's not me
Replacing you with others
not really
not even to my own eyes
I can't be with you
and I cannot be without you at all
what are we going to do with this knot

Kisses that sting
Go deeper than the skin

I wanted to leave you
But there's a catch
You've done this more than once
You used your army of love
You've stung me more than once
With kisses and water for my thirst
All the kisses that sting...

All the kisses that men use
To get things from you
And they leave their mark
Not only in your neck but on the heart
Get an instant reaction
Calm down your insatisfaction
Feeding on starvation
Feeding on you...

Those kisses hold me hostage
They take me to heaven and further
They turn me on
and I'm a fiery stove
A wave rolling at an ocean deep,
breaking in the shore

Are you a stinger
Are you a bee in love?
I must break from your honey kiss
So I can be free without

I was set in Stone
but in the way I found love
I found pleasure, I found a lack of fear
taking all of me.

I found sleep, and arousal, grabbing hands, to feel free.

Your arms around me
your hands grabbing me
you're everywhere of me
and I allow you gladly to do it

I can feel you hard - for me
I remain shy - storm in a teacup
I just want to relax, exist, feel
No rushing about what should be

Sweet shyness sweet teenager
opening her eyes like a newborn child
if I could get this spell everyday, I would
Get me a spoonful of you
Put me on a diet of us

And though the devil he soars
for a second he was apart
Can you follow my slow dance? Can you?
If you can't, someone will do.

It's so soft this dance
we are dancing in this sofá
but it is the perfect pace
for my metal legs, my tired feet

It was like an angel showing who I really could be
Your hands all over me
give me fever
I have Little power as a stove
but today you turned me on.

I moaned - Deep, from my throat
You pulled it out from me, I didn't know
We rekindled the flame, the devil felt he was being called
and he destroyed it all somehow

Tiago's words
cut like knives
but oddly now
they make me feel right

Tiago's words
are way too much
but I scratch
I can see where possibly I am

They soak me like an emergency
They are made of three quarters pain
And the rest pure life.
Maybe Tiago is right.
His words are like light
In such a pitch black night

You could be using me
playing with me
A non-loving Humbert
for this ever nymphet
you'd be

I'm trapped, I'm bound, by you, love!
The devil, the dark - clothed in light
Unexpected, slow like honey
It crept inside me the feeling
The waters, raging
through my lips, speaking
unadvertedly
I didn't call them, but they were there
They were dormant - but oh hell!

How you pulled me, afterwards
The love, the heaven of us
To places I don't want to be
The devil came and seized me
brought me to my knees
The devil - these waves...swept, washed my feet

I must learn to see past all this
I love you, but not the way you did
Love is a great word people abuse
The grain of sand in which we built
everything
turning to
nothing
now

But that wild roar
I won't put away easily

I am so spineless
You really cannot take my word
that I will or I won't
I don't understand myself
why I behave this way
Unable to say
I'm a riddle, painful and puzzling

Everything I said I knew I wouldn't - I did
Life carried me - like a devil?
It all began like a game
don't know how to break the spell
we threw to each other
I was powerless, swept
But I kept saying, "yes"

Yes, yes, yes!
The word comes to my lips
Because I love you to debris
I must do something, stop this wheel
Before you and I
are crushed beneath

This is an open heart surgery
It hurts!
But it must be done
To carry on

Maybe I feel like this is the path
but somehow it is not
Maybe they clipped my wings and chopped my limbs
And I grew from there on
What would I do without my source of pain
that gives me joy in the shape of poems

Something's quite wrong with me
but it was also back in time
When I couldn't write a line
when everything would turn a lie
I spent all this life
trying to be myself
and what I find is not always
something I can say

I turned myself upside down
or was it from the start WRONG?
I hear all of your words
They cut right through me like knives to the heart

There is an angel whispering softly in my head
we speak our own language, no one understands
And they tell me to stop harming myself
with love as a pretext
I read the signals I'm sent and I feel at ease with them
Am I losing my mind? Am I regaining it?

I can't help wondering about the rhythms of life
About how revelations always stand out
Because I've never been here - or have I?

What are we going to do with our bodies? That forcE and that drain
I am fighting night and day, to understand the riddle of it
Your love is a riddle to me

I'm being driven by a forcE, my beloved INTP, my love!
Because it hurts but I'm prompted from above
something we gotta do
Angels talk to me,
Michael Glatze, I can feel you
Enlightened, confused, clean, wise, unsure

Once upon a time
My ***** throbbed real hard
I was caught in desires
The hidden side of me, now

And I forgot who I am
because of life's binds and bounds
And now you ask me about
that part of life that remained outside
and always inside
You ask me about that side
that never died
only slept too Deep

My past - I never got to accept
It was family, dad saying - why you support them?
It was hurtful, life stripped me bare
But I had no recollection of hurt
It was simply there

Once upon a time
my life shone with potential
I had life running through my veins
like blood rushing to the brain

My secret of girls
my secret of love
my secret of truth
my secret of my fate
hidden somewhere

Once upon a time
I was not hurt
and that's why my *****
throbbed oh so hard.

This is a maze full of mirrors
where you walk and you are not aware where
this is a multilayered question
too, too many questions
This is a game of sensations
This is a perpetual, enticing confusión
This is a strange feeling, wondering about my spirits
and my mental sanity
This is a puzzle to solve
This has a solution
that I still don't know
time will show

This has me day and night, on and on
I stop, but when it comes

Way too Deep to even put it
so Deep it becomes tangled
too profound, abyssal ground
the land of those roaming around
happily
but sometimes, like now,
OH, the dark!
the dark gets my mind
the light doesn't smile too much
and sends distorted perceptions down my spine

What is real? What is fake?
Too much at stake

We are there
We kiss, we touch, we ****
there's nothing going on with us
this love keeps us going
but it's not enough
but we are motion frozen
frozen in sweet words
there's something
going in our backs
that we know of
even if we don't speak about it
But we'll rub till it bleeds.

Bitter symphony of love gone wrong
of dreams held so long
that started to wither and we acted like
we didn't know

I have been feeling it for months,
all my anxiety and all my deep, unconfessable songs.
My vices of the heart.
That prop me always up.

Something's rotting with us
with you
with me
What are we going to do to save this?

No more chasing each other through telegram
No more quick meetings like we were each other's drug
No more hickeys to hide from Dad
Now it's all painful in a way
it's all dead in a way
maybe it's me dying
with the relationship instead

I was there for a few months.
I saw a light coming on.
But now I don't see us, no.

What are we going to do with this?
This avalanche of feelings and thoughts
it will surely leave a mark
oh no!

When the angels spoke to me
They left a buzzing in my ears
They turned me upside down - maybe put me back where I belong
Such a deafening sound

Are they angels or demons - the voices in the head
Light and darkness - must learn to difference

I was in the train - when they spoke my name
Strangely calm, soft, me
Sacred preciousness of awakenings
God gave us reason, but he gave us our heart
And learning to use both in our whole life's work

The angels talk to me, they make me sing and cry for your love
Questions and revelations popped into my brain -
afterwards I was not the same, in a way
I confuse symbols, I take them as facts
I forget they are the ink with which we enhance our lives
Goodbye Móstoles, I might say
Not without a tear on my eyes
Maybe we were never meant to stay
A hickey, a laughter, but it's broken

When the angels talked to me
they made a mess out of me
left me thinking
of the possibilities
Your love stings and leaves an itch
How to run away from your lips? From your sweet touch?
I just cannot scratch easily

When the world opened its jaws
I sat there, no music, sweet, calm
Storm in a teacup

Please don't go back to your spells
Your saving, binding spells
You've gone so far, and further you'll go
just hear what you are saying
hear everything around

Everyone's saying **** but I don't care
I believe in the supernatural binding us
Because I've seen it once and twice
Kiss you as our first ever contact

Everyone's saying crap about us two
That I should leave you, that I should not
Are you playing with my heart?
Am I a goddess or a doormat?

Now the levels of adrenaline in blood
go back to normal
My friends advice floats like a log in furious waves
And they throw a different shade
Have you lied to me? Have you lied?

How to say STOP when it is needed
How to know if you are not well treated
Love is like a mask
Blinding your eyes but making you see beaming lights
Truth and lie in the same sentence
Something really hard to describe

This might be a new round
for us
I never thought
I would end up
here
The irony in these facts
But now I'm queen of hearts
Now I'm the keyholder and you all are just trying to catch
Now I am the wife
I am her, my name is Kate
You are him, don't hurt too many in the way!
Hurt me not
I'm nothing but a pawn
because I'm not that strong
no matter the diamonds
on my crown

It's not a matter of holding crowns
but holding hearts...

Free yourself of that fire that's burning you; with water not from me.
Let it soothe you; get rid of the itch.
Let it ride high, your desire
To know I can only touch
With my fingertips I grasp
The ocean lying deep

We could learn to be friends, I guess
But we'll have to learn to live first
without kissing each other's lips
This spell over me
binding me to men I know in strange ways
but never allowing me
to touch too much
close enough
to feel their breaths
but far enough
so I remain untouched
unhurt
unfelt
unenhanced
like about to arrive to the coast
but still lost in a furious sea

This is my binding spell
I'm bound to it till...
when?

I'm not in love - he's not my crush
But I have never wrote a sad poem for his cause.
Lately he's been creeping up into my heart
slowly dosing himself in my blood
Giving me his shoulder when I need to cry
what a fool I've been all this time
to despise the man
That reads me so well and so much

He's just a friend - he has many shadows, well
he is a pain in the *** sometimes
but he genuinely cares
and that solves everything
and his advice resonates in my ears
when he says cry no more for this
he's a Little laughter, a sweet thing to be found
and I need no more confirmation
of the things that really matter in this life

Open relationship
I know that you'll leave me
Because the body and the soul
they do not lie so far
But it's a risk I take
I take it with my heart
Because body and soul
are made of the same fabric
A weight lifted from my shoulders
But a new state of us is here

(why it is so important for you
to get inside of me?
I can't let anyone inside
it hurts, it hurts)

Open relationship
A whole new world in front of us
But it's not what we both want
In a perfect world

Open relationship
Waiting - till I'm done with me
what are we gonna do
what are we gonna do
where are we going to move?

And I can tell you who I kissed
And you can tell me where you've been
It doesn't sound so bad
but it doesn't sound right

Open relationship
but the heart steering only one way, I think
The duality of mind and body, which is not really such a thing
You say it's confusing
Maybe we cannot stay
this way
I'd lie if I said
I'm not a little afraid
But this is what it takes

His smile is wide - he does as he likes
he's not like the rest but he couldn't care less
He's me, if I ever was unbound
He's unbound - that's why he smiles so much
He's been heard - when he dwelled in hell
He's loved! He's beautiful! He's true!
He's free like the wind and no one clips his wings
(but I am untying my strings
no matter how strong blows the wind)
Unlike me, the broken bird
writing a poem about a guy I met.
He's just a man. I make the rest out of him.

Another broken Saturday
I remember when all your time was for us
I remember no strings attached
You're slowly getting bored of me

Another broken lonely Saturday
I won't try to act something I'm not
I miss you and it's what it's this about
I'm lonely and it's because of you
Your watered-down Emojis, all the things that I read

Why won't you talk to me
where do we lead, where do we go
from here
What do you want from all of this?
What is the natural progression of it?
I want you, I want you but I love you even more
Can't you see what I'm feeling now

Meeting in the morning to have ***
Your interest in me sometimes I certainly think has changed
I remember all our plans
Watch out for the signs, Cosmopolitan warns
It's bringing me down, it's tearing me apart

But you must have the ***** and guts
to tell me what's up
If something's wrong
I won't be your *****
Will I?
I will be anything for your love

This will tear us apart
but I'm not in the mood for crying anymore
this question could paralyzed us both
It will tear us apart, it's tearing me apart
You ****** - with a tangled knot
You run away from this - but I can not

I love you, I love you, I love you
but there's a chain around my neck
taking away my breath

Remember when I told you to get away Fast As You Can?
You didn't listen, then!
Now we're here, happy and undone
Waiting for the sun to drown

We are lost, everything will be lost
Our love - cut to death with the secrets I hold

You're pulling away from me, I see
You are getting lost in the night
You are wandering out there but not with me
I am just a time filler
But you won't tell me anything

The light shines brighter when it's dark
And so it's happening with us
I had a future for me filled with us
The light always shines brighter when you drown
I had no idea what was going to be, honestly
But death wasn't an option for me
But it is crawling towards me...

Show me a way
Through your touch
Show me a way
I can't see the way out
I cling to you
True love once found.

There is a threat of death over my head
Death is slowly crawling towards me
Like a knife to my neck, I cannot breathe

Been awake for first time in years
But now it seems I'm forced to sleep
I'll survive, and that's why I might die
While I can tell nobody my grief...
Been awake to life and its gifts
All the paths and lakes that I have swam
Now I could be again at square one
Thought of your lips, it wasn't real
It's like my life passed through a lens - not me

I might lose hold of me again
Oh, the pain...
the pain that no one gets
Oh, the pain...
all the things I cannot say
all the twisted ways
that back and forth
I am forced to take

Death is coming slowly towards me
But I think I'll just shake and die
Die, die, die
whatever way you mean that

(The banality of evil
how inertia walks...)

Seven months of love
Of kissing in the mechanic stairs
in the gaps to fill of the day
we would flourish
Late nights at the keyboard
"I'd love to be at your side"

Seven months of wondering
what is all this about
Seven months of doubt!
of being pushed against the wall
and loving every minute of it
of going back and forth
waiting impatiently for your call
Your love, your love, your love! Oh
Seven months of paranoid thinking
"Will you cheat on me
Are you hiding something"
Usually, some of the time
of lit-up poems - you set me on fire
of waters in a roar - whole lakes that I own
of your steaming glasses - when we're steaming too
How you take them off
How I see you filled with love

Seven months of asking myself questions
that life throws to my face
they would never have showed themselves
hadn't you came

Seven months - that I spent telling myself each day
"This is not gonna last"
Yet here I am. Writing these confusing, life affirming lines.

Seven months of
psychotic
love

The girl that had never watched Breaking Bad until this year
So many things that I've missed
But I had to walk apart, another path
The girl who wasn't there, but other place, when everybody else did
The girl that is not from this place
But she's starting to find a way
The girl who had never been kissed and loved so much
The girl whose eyes WIDE OPEN now
Her life has just begun
For the time she lost, she's making up
Waiting for her life to turn out
The girl that like a butterfly
needed time

Go for them open ***** hole girls,
go for wild long nights of ***
For their throbbing fingers and love
once I gave to you

Go for all the Tinder girls that were before me
Go for fully blown life
Go for all the girls that can fulfill you
Girls not loving psychotically as I do
Girls whose clock is not ticking away in a countdown to hell
Girls not in love with the darkness, like I
Girls who don't bet all they have to you, their one card

Go for the life, cheat on me baby
I fully will understand
I already do.

"Make something beautiful of the ugly", I said
I heard these words in my head

Tiny - like a big girl washed out and shrunk in the washing machine of life - her mind
Tiny - but not godly
Tiny - but not beautiful
not like a Little Kiss
but rather like a shadow of what has been
Tiny - grey and still again
Tiny - reduced
Tiny - stuck up in a dead me

Without you I crumble
Without you I'm not me
Without you I feel weak and I dissappear

Tiny - ugly schemes
a bird without wings, emotional limbs
to touch, to measure, to feel
again trapped in my own things
Tiny - powerless, meaningless
Tiny - a girl feeling at square one

He's been an enjoyer
I've been in my cocoon
While he drank, ******, had a good time
I was discovering the beauty of tears,
the meaning, the pain, the logos of it

Now he takes my hand
leads me to his world
And I drag him to my pit
So he can stare at it
Have a glimpse...

Now I taste the vines
Now I see the world
"I brought you my bullets,
you brought me your love"

Now we exchange everything
I'm his secret garden and nothing else I wish

Now the artistically broken girl
meets the charming, calm man
Now the shadow meets the Sun

Now he shows me the light
Now he shows me I've been blind
too much time
were I?

I was so eager to see you,
late evening of Christmas.
Bag full of books,
one desire inside (you)
I was falling, even if I didn't know.
I greeted you with a kiss on the lips
that you seemed to run away from

You wanted me in your bed,
you wanted a quick ****
You wanted something different
You were not hooked like that
But all I had was thirst for your love
My *****, unclean love you set free
on a dark Barceló street

And this is what you become.
A faded memory sometimes too strong.

In your room I saw your sweetness
and when we walked I saw it too
Bewitched under your lights
Emanating, I thought, from you
But you were a night inside
Steamy and cold at the same time

Bleeding like a rose in love
I was. You said you were happy,
that we'd meet again.
But I could see things going other way.

Your lack of satisfaction.
This ***** game we played.
The way you run away from my love
in the streets, you don't want connection with me.

I should have read the signals
that you merely wanted to ****.
But I was in too deep and I listened to no one's advice

So now I see, past the growling,
the words, the songs, everything.
Past the lies you told me.
They are too many.

It's a sweet feeling
calm and delicate
and probably not as everlasting
as pain can be
But...

I am an alien in the world
I am not like them
And I never wished such a thing
I cannot help being myself
But...

I'm starting to enjoy, the ride
Never lose who I am
Never lose what I've found
Kisses, thrills, the will to leave!

(It's a naturalness in my life
I never knew before)

I am getting used to this
And I'm seeing life expanding in front of me
And things are sweetly functional
and the dysfunctional shows its face for me to slay
And all the waves washing me out
are part of life
That I'm being myself
and it's working out pretty well

All the pain makes sense, everything is still and moving
Everything is calm and shaking
I'm moving limp, but I'm moving
Optimistic moment - tears will follow

Everything is normal, everything is natural
The waves pulling me and pushing me - natural
Is it for real?
Things start to make sense
My life is configuring itself - the spells work
In all directions, good and wrong
The spell of loneliness, the spell of the house - dead
the spell of a new life
calling out for my name!
I make sense - for once!

Me? A part of the world?
I never had thought it, I would have not bet for it ever before.

But still, I don't feel I am a human or an alien anymore...
I am somewhere still to fathom
I am half everything

I was living a dream
I was merely trying to live
My sweet experiment
that others have with such ease

(In the spell of loneliness
every touch is magnified
in the spell of loneliness)

I was shooting my arrow, aiming at the points
The puzzle started to make sense, it was thrilling at best
I was arriving to the core of the question
I was digging Deep
painful but I'm in Deep need

Now all I need is
someone to lick my wounds
Don't know where I go now
I'm lost.

Girl alone, bored.
My father-lover is in the line
and he's all I need to smile
But...
there's a hunger in me
I got watching Torbjorn's pHotos and things
falling for teachers that barely know my name
A desire to rub, to feel
To venture that Deep. A desire to taste,
a desire to be.
Don't know what will be.
The body feels lonely, but so does the soul.
The room is turning empty; like the heart.
There's an excess of imagination in her bones.
She kisses their lips in her deepest swoon
And to come, there lie a few unknown moans

It was a suicidal act, a path to life.
What am I doing? I lost my mind.
but it's alright
I don't need it that much.

Got ignited in a Christmas night
Oh, oh, oh.
It's way too much.
Idle hands are angelic work.
This I know.

The travel is long, and wide, and Deep
But you're here, holding my hand, with me
Couldn't think of a better one to tread this with
Regardless of what happens, of what goes on
We'll never, ever be torn

The travel is tough, and wild, and surprising
But I can abide, if you have the patience
In my transitions, I'm caught now
But I'm not alone
In my travel towards the Sun

The travel you began
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Little steps lead to a long path walked
I've done this on my own, alone

The travel is something i cannot lose
Throw away the wrong spells
Keep some for help.

I am a runaway
By choice
By vocation
It's in my veins
But no one chooses ever really
to be on the run
"I just had to"

I am struggling
Like I never did
And I fear losing myself
while I drift
While I fight
I thought, I always get lost
won't you pick up my bones
from the floor
if I fall down again
I won't
if I fall again
trying to stand still
breaking the spell of the house
breaking my million spells
both black and white

All my relaxation has left the building
all the happy paths I drew while dreaming
while planning
replaced with this feeling
that degenerates, fades, changes
but the seed is still alive
i'm still shooting
i'm not dead

How not to let the wrong men in the world
WIN?

Where are you tonight?
I'm playing russian roulette with my heart
Giving it away to strangers in my pain
Which is getting to be too much

Where are you tonight
while I count hours away
while you live your life
and I waste it with anyone
and I end up over the top
tired of who's talking to me a lot

I gave my heart to the wrong man
tonight
I fell under familiar deathly spell
again
but this time I'm a watchdog
it won't happen twice

He says my poems are depressing
And I fear I'm going down the path again
of telling my life to anyone
This fake freedom that really is nothing but
wrong
being adapted to anything but myself
He says my poems are depressing
And I wasn't even there
I can't help but write about these things
I can't help myself
I can't help my life is such a mess

But in the other hand...
you cannot see my dark
but maybe you cannot see my shine
either

Hear me scream!
Hear me wail!
I am alive
I said!

This anger lives with me
but it's not destructing me
how to explain the hard equilibrium
in which souls like I live
it's making me move my limbs
hear us scream
the unwanted
the troubled
the disabled
hear us exist
we are here! We won't hide our face anymore
We can do it, granted, so you know
As Babes In Toyland speak this secret to me
we'll live in your margins, but we'll never die
beauty and truth lie in the garbage bins of the world
if the world doesn't know, it's not our fault.

Hear us scream!
Hear us survive!
Hear us dream!
Chase our star!
We are loaded with stars!
In this pandemónium
we shine!

I have high dreams
of liberty
They say I ask for too much,
but all I ask for is life
A hand under my pants, if I feel like
If not, I'll watch the lights shine
A sun smiling at me, a moon lulling me to sleep
A poster with Amy and Courtney
Telling me: "you are strong! You can do this!"
This is merely a dream, but I will do anything
This is possible. This could be.
The doors open, like a wound on the flesh
It hurts but it could hold the key to this
I will do anything for this
I haven't spoke ever so candidly, I never did.

I don't understand love
I don't understand what moves humans so
It's not like I don't love myself
but some things are out of reach of my hands

I don't understand how a father
loves his children so much
yet he destroys their lives
in every touch

I don't understand what makes a man
fall for the mess I am
I won't be able to give him what he wants
Maybe he wants me and nothing else
I don't understand anything
anything at all

I don't understand how the greatest thing
means the lowest we can go

I don't understand how you can love
yet your brain play you ***** tricks
against the core of you
But that's my problem, not Cupid's one

So many dead ones for love
and maybe we are wrong
maybe we are thinking we love
but we do other thing

i don't understand love
but i guess
i will learn
if i keep loving, if i keep walking

I am dying
Or at least it's the way I am feeling
I died with a smile on my face
Tell the moral majority
That will show them they won over me
They won't bring flowers to my tomb
Because they don't see the difference between death and life

I was rising from the dead
No you won't send me back there

The more I hear you
is the less I can't believe
how things turn out to be
I can't believe he cried when he saw me the first time
and now he shrugs me off like that
How he spins, he kills me slowly like this
The clash the confusing clash
between caress and stab

"We grow up", said my friend
But I don't really think it accounts
for this amount
of pain

I have been stripped from grace
But at least truth is clear, showed its face
You wrong, stupid, sick, insensitive man
Stuck in your own ****** mind
Where numbers are over people
Where my man is a killer
Where people have no fear and that's a bad thing
Where you must be normal else you're a ******* freak

I might forgive you
but expect no Christmas cards from me
the day I am free
You are so full of ****
You hate tears, you hate me
I hate you back. We know. Let's not conceal.
You hate the perceived weak. You know nothing about life.
You have never been the bright, ugly places i've been. But "Never is a promise".

I can forgive you.
Can you forgive me for my sin:
being me?
Trying to live?
Being sick?
Life is exactly what you don't think it is
You forced yourself so much, but you don't have to.
My arms are open. Are yours?

Sixteen again, in a way
No cuts in the outside, but I fear
the spell of these days
over me

Wrong man
he ***** with my head
The spineless girl, she laughs at my face
I don't wanna get drunk in pain
this way

He makes my crazy wheels run free
What do you know, wrong man, of the long path of pain I treaded? Of all the things I have defeated?
Of how it all spins the way it has to spin -
how pain is at the core of everything

Wrong man:
he's made of iron and Steel
he's proud he cannot feel
he's rotten but he cannot see
Blindness is his way to live

Hear him and his speech
of bile and hate towards everything!
No disabilities, no caring for others for him
Things gotta be the way they gotta be
******* if you cannot fit

The spineless girl - she's tricky to me
who she is really? I confided in her so many times but oh!
Wrong man comes and switches her around
she says yes to anything, she switches dramatically

Wrong man and the spineless girl, the couple everyone wants to be
A dream for those who cannot see

Wrong man says I should thank him
that he pays for me!
Wrong man is so sick
to the bones of him

Wrong man, wrong man
is there any chance for you to change?
to become human, be granted a heart of flesh
you did once, but did you do with all you are?
It's true: keep paying and I'll keep struggling
Alone, without you
as I have mostly been

I am thankful to life
but you showed how you are inside
I won't ever forget this, probably

Everything broke - me included
I cannot keep my mouth shut - I will lose this
It's not a fashion statement, it's a deathwish
It's not a whimsical desire, but my whole life
my tears dry
You say and you talk about reality
but reality is a many sided thing
**** their reality, never worked for me.
If you knew to which point I came to be broken
how much it has weighed down my wings from soaring
and only now I was flying...
I love her! I can
At a distance
So I don't break in parts
'cuz of joining

Weird times for me
Are they going to be over?
Never ever could have I thought of this
A sudden burgeon of me

Weird times of creativity
Am I going back to what I've been?
I don't feel what I did, sometimes I feel
it's the end of this

No no, I'll never be my former self
The best part of all this is that
I'll never go back

They say, I could say many things
but sometimes I turn dissociative
Definition: being someone you are not
being stripped out of who you are

It's hard for me to think
I became dissociative so many times
in so many different ways
(give me room and poems to explain)
Like a shallow, a hologram

But yesterday...

I feel like smiling, laughing, but so empty inside
Like a ******* reflex of nothingness to expand
I cannot stand myself
Again comes something,
with its claws of nothing
to take me again, till when?
(It will end, before death)

I'm so saved
I could break
I'm so saved
I'm about to break
I look so fine
but inside
I die

And I retreat back into my world
try to save my soul
but a question goes...
what is real?
is this real?
is this real?

I feel like I could live
but it's a lie - I could not be