I am not creating and I am not coming

What's this ****?
It makes me cry, bury my head in your chest
in desires that never come anywhere
Oh, dear,
if I could make myself shake again

I am so afraid

Your closeness changes everything
but my stress
(it unleashes these fears
makes me feel that current
head to feet)
but all those images in my head
falling prey

And I can catch it for a sec
Be my teacher, I'll listen to your words
like pagan scripture
(best scripture)
Can you hold me, through this pain?
Can you take me, high again?

The past is always a ******* dark dart
I can't let it come back

I love you so much
but it feels incomplete
do I have to go through this?
a hole pouring down my heart
Emo imagery - don't dare put down

it is close, it is close!
just close your eyes
and when you arrive
you'll know, you know
(you know the road,
you know the pace leading to the door)

Sitting in my room.
Wondering about God.
Watching the bomb tick away.
To something I don't know.

You are all stupid, you all are useless.
Seeking light, then ending in your mind's dull jam,
your septic-clean sty.
You all are closing yourself to the World
None of you I will befriend - Satan or God
I will hold his hand.
I will go on living till I die.
And only then, I will close my eyes.
My life - a testament to revise
if I have to say my last goodbye...

"I saved myself". I did, but I could have never done it, without It
And the time I spend thinking about it, the further I lie from It
My mind crafts this -
I need to befriend it, whoever it is
In the face of fear, we start worshipping odd things
Life is the supreme
Life does always win, if you let it trespass your door
and fill your heart
Death is a tragedy. To whom does it belong?
Satan or God - you are not what I was told

Make-believe beauty - for bad times
the madwoman is not the mad one
Is it creation - or is it just *****? Sacred ***** then

I am a madwoman and this room is my attic.
I couldn't come last night - so I am crying
I will hold his hand, and His too
or Hers, for the universe lies in me too.

I ain't been listening to Bikini ****
in my bedroom for nothing!
Because, you know - you are not winning
This time, I am not the girl I used to be
You'll have to seek me if you want to fight me
Because I won't be there
I will be gone away - and I will be present
as I've never been

This is for the *******
for the demons
This is for the bad fathers
This is for the misfits out there
This is for us, you know who you are

This is for myself
do not forget what makes you shake
This is for myself
Girl hold on some days more
and you'll have it again...

Lonely masturbations and late night cries
It never stops - the joke is alive
and so is the laughter inside

The siege state ends
and when we rise from our graves...
we will lose our minds
if we haven't before
are you strong?

I am drifting away
losing all of my sense

Siege state for the soul
Can you spare me some

I thought I could laugh
but the enemy lives within
siege state covering everything

No virus like your own
Hold on, hold on, hold on
I am surviving right now
But I will come back
(you should do as I)

Everything is alive
because fire, simply, does not die
and if you are crying tonight
your life won't fade away like that
hark! it will pass.

I know heaven
because I dared to touch
the ground
My truths are warped
but they are my own

I like the Hangman so
because he sums everything I know

I know light
because I drowned
in the dark

The days I was lost
were key
to finding myself

And I know health is a lie
and I know illness so right
and I know right and wrong
lie so close and it feels so nice

I know what I know
and I do what I can with it
I tried not hard to grasp
it simply came along my path

Do not fall into mama's lap
Bite the hand as soon as you can
At least, don't cut your limbs to merely exist
Confront, explore, resist.

Do not take my word
because I'm only deeply hurt
that's what I try to get across
that you should hit the road
as soon as you can walk

Do not follow my dreary path
that only lately I could patch up
stay away from those holy demons
which are nothing but a Sunday evening
watching TV movies unaware you're rotting
unaware you're drowning
gagged - choking on homeostasis and noise
dying - because you survived

That girl clogged with life...
She's choking, it shows
But she's got a promise
She doesn't know
but she's not alone

You were able to see when I was blind
and forever I am thankful to God
You knock somehow deep into my soul now

Maybe it was visible in between the cracks
maybe I was broken but some light
seeped out
my resistance
burning down

And now you tell me this and I am surprised
that someone saw past my antics
(I will always be crazy, that's my gift
but I can find ways to be crazy
which are truly me, ways that fulfill -
the blessed crazy marching towards the Sun!)
and my sickly side -who took control,
for years, I drowned, I drowned-
but there was a time
when it wasn't like this
it was in future
thank God I didn't get to die at 13

These poems mean nothing at all
I need to hold it in my palm
I ran away for years
but now I want to touch and be touched in turn