I am a late bloomer
So try to understand me
Don't condescend: I am fully grown
but there's a reason for my being slow

I drowned my head below the water
And I lost touch with the surface
Getting away from reality? Nah, I was having nightmares
I was clinging to my own ruins, my own distorted answers
I slept for years, I closed the window of my dreams
Said, "I'll obey, I will stop being"
Said nothing, I could not speak

And I find myself at 26
living so quick
-but life has no notion of this,
life simply is-
don't blame me,
I used to be in a coma
deep anguishing godful nights
I did wrong trying to do right

I am a late bloomer
but I was too big to bloom in the spring
Was I a too majestic flower to be
(I don't think so, unless majestic
equals weird)
Was I simply crumbling from stiff
Was I simply a woman, with the mind of a kid?

I am a late bloomer
but who gives a ****
not me, I am too busy
doing all I did not
doing all I never thought

Where on Earth do I belong
or is it outer space
I am not Lauren Tate
I am not like anyone I met
But there must be a place
Or is outer space?
All weirdos belong somewhere
And it is not the loony bin
or your room locked for days

Mother do you see me
do you perceive only a tiny bit
Do you see me come alive
with my pens and when I write
Do you finally accept
what you sired back then?

Etsy freak
Courtney Love wannabe
Look at that ****** *****!
They will scream such things
I might be a narcissist
-never mind, I am an artist-
But can I light up the way
of those who cry like once I did?
Is it my calling? Is it my fall?
What do I do with this rush?
I know the answer - keep on riding
keep on living, write it out
paint it up
**** hard

Shaking and certainly not well
on my way to being a good girl
Where on earth
are the stairs to my place?

I want this, I really do
but I cannot swallow the stream of grey
and feel it's good

I can do, but not what they want me to!

Because I can't help being who I am
It's my curse and my blessing
It's what I was running away from,
what I was chasing

It's not laziness
It's not lack of whatever
It's the consciousness that
I have alien brothers

We communicate from afar
Alienated and found,
connoisseurs of what lies
further than your 9 to 5
(specially when you swallow
that ******* line till it ***** you dry.
I could change, but I could die)
We live in the other side
But not so far gone
Health is a lie, when using your words

We are the freaks
I am the freak
I will fit your lines
but be careful
I will slash them when they are mine!
I am a trojan in your house
because you will be my death if I don't rush

"The paranoid cannot love"
I saw that answer about the world
So true it hurts

The paranoid cannot love
Because to love is really to trust
No love in those stunted hearts
Questioning what, when and why
instead
Seize the untouchable with your hands!
Do not grab with avarice!
Just with endless delight...

Paranoia rips you and the rest
Makes a death eater out of you
Swallowing all the light, creating distress
A lifetime of suspicion and pain
A lifetime, wasted away
(She exists but she cannot rule the scene)

I won't join that club, because I know better
To forget, to forget - to trust, forever
Not closed to love
Not closed to life, at all.

Health is a lie
You have to learn to look in the eyes
Health is a state
you can't always attain

Health flees and stays
you can't summon her
she summons you instead

Some call her health,
some call her happiness
different names
same thing in the end

(She said take your brains out
you don't need them to do good
drown in my sugar darkness
humid and fruitful)

I've changed so much
I just can't go back there

There is something I can't catch
why?

Dare to trespass the limits
to get somewhere other

I have to trace the lines
to know where this mess began
Pick up the threads, knots to untie

Learn to look at things the way they are
that's the only way out
No glitter rays, but no grim days
Just godly ways

Why did it look so good
why it's turning a nightmare
will you hold my hand dear
walk with me through hell

Show me the other side
please goddess please

Everything got muddled
everyday more and more
how to stop
Break the cycle, end up the war

Oh, don't get any mistaken with me
I am just a neurotic *****
obsessed with *** and ****
Every little pain just adds to the stake

And if it breaks, because I won't
We'll throw a party, all giddy up
(I am afraid as ****)

Where does this **** go?

"Oh, this ****
I gotta analyze this.
Because indeed something makes me nervous,
therefore I can't come"

But I did,
I saw your ****,
I saw your face,
and I did.
Paradise comes quicker.
I wanted you,
but your thought did not want me.

Is today a good day
for barren knowledge?
Barren day

This is not real
this is not the place to be
I have cut my limbs

Am I passing to the other side
which side this time
Information coming from all sides
"This is my strength, this is my fall"

I just want to die and cry

Ahhh...you people...(me therefore)

There is nothing
***
cannot fetch for me!

I open my eyes
I touch God
I see stars
I see the dark
everything fits
I shake
at your touch

Like a gulp of loaded water
Like a violent flash
Restoring the chaos
in my heart
Everything in place
supernovas - through the maze

It's your love
It's the power I've got
It's the world
channeled below