I **** men who don't like me
in hopes that they will.
I give them small kisses
and smile when I stare.

I know all the moves.
How to bite my lip
Show slight cleavage
Glance at them occasionally
Don't break eye contact
Touch my thigh
Widen my eyes

then I open my mouth

And they think:
Man, she's ******* crazy

Just crazy enough to ****
Too crazy to stay
So they run
And the cycle continues

Someday someone won't be afraid of
my loud, opinionated mouth
and my wide hips

Alone at night
I find myself wide-eyed
Clutching sheets with white knuckles
Peering out from under the covers
Hiding like a child
Keeping myself
Holding myself together
Under these sheets
Under the weight of cotton
So I don't fly away.

Stealing my breath tight in my chest I count to ten
With cheeks turning red
And five fingers reaching into the darkness
Stretching themselves into nothingness
Until they spring back
To hold my cotton fortress steadfast
Against the tyranny of night.

The grumbling and groaning of the house
Churns my stomach
And I sink into these sheets
With my breath coming back at me
As I hide beneath covers
And sing a song that makes me happy
But it sounds all wrong
And as a last resort
I reach over to the other side of this big bed
And put my hand on your warm skin
And instead of complaining;

You stretch out your arm
And pull me into you
And in that moment, I know.

sometimes i watch
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
over and over again
on the days when missing you
hits me right in the face and makes me want
to call you, see you, hug you
to replenish the memories i have of you.
it makes me wonder if having you
erased from my mind would make this
whole thing easier, this new
chapter of my life.
the letting go, the detaching.
getting into the habit of walking by flowers
and not plucking their petals to see
if you still love me or not.
the realizing that it doesn't matter if you still
love me or not,
but being frustrated with the not knowing
anyway.
i don't want to erase you from my mind
out of hate or spite or resentment.
i want to erase you because the desire to go back
and do things over again is stronger
than the desire to accept things for how they turned out
and move on.
i don't know if it's missing you
or missing the person i was when i was with you
that is driving me crazy.
i think it's a little of both but mainly just the fact
that i want to tell you i'm sorry
without it seeming useless.
i feel you in my heart still and i guess i just want
you to know that.
but i also want to forget that because it hurts.
so i watch
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
on repeat
to forget about it all,
if only for a little while.
why is everything always so intangible and bittersweet?

It's three in the morning,
And I am so tired.
But the thought of having to wake up
Is keeping me from falling asleep.

A size zero

Is all I'll ever let myself be
Funny how much
A number defines my personality

Zero hope
Zero life
Zero want
Zero zero zero zero

Tiny waist
More like I'm wasting away

Wrist bones are prominent and cold

All I want to see is
My collarbones

And my brain likes to argue
With itself

you better eat or you'll go back to hell

I guess I haven't comprehended my surroundings
Because I'm already here

Heaven is a tiny hole on the roof of my hell
Light shines through rarely

She inhabits me
I am gone


The wind doesn't even miss me