nobody could see me
trying to **** myself.
but i could.
every night i saw it.
i saw the various ways to
slit my throat, my wrist,
to tie a knot, maybe with a bow?
and kick my moms nice chair away?
maybe by drowning,
or jumping from a tall building?
so many ways... so many.
i still see those ways.
i still want to cut.
actually, ive craved the blade
for a few weeks now.
and yet, i havent made a single mark
up and down my arm.

whats stopping me?
i'll be honest: when i go back to school
i want to be able to show my teacher that
it'll be a whole month since ive cut.
thats a long time (for me) and i
really want to keep going.

i can save myself.
i know i can...
right?

as dawn turns to noon into dusk
and the day truly begins
in the winter, anyway
where most of your time is spent in poor lighting
and frost

but the moon hangs high in the sky
if only briefly, as a contrast
and i've always wondered
as the clouds pass in front of the moon

if they begin to miss each other
even just for a moment
despite the fact that they know that they'll encounter each other tomorrow
if the routine is so comfortable
that they get nervous just thinking about it changing at all

that one day
they may never experience that comfort again
the one consistency in this crazy world
yearning for the clamminess of each other's hands
if only for a brief moment
just to relive those cool nights once again
pushing for more and more
but when you feel like the potential is gone
mirrors cracked, hearts sinking, warmth gone
even an unpleasant sensation
becomes good enough
to die for

hey you
yeah, you
don't act, you already know

maybe the fact that i don't use pet names makes it harder to see
but i uh, i lo-....
well, nevermind that

maybe one day
i'll show up to your door with your favorite meal
isn't that so roman-..surreal?

or even, do the unimaginable, send you flowers?
doesn't matter whether there's rain, snow, or thunder showers
what do you think of that mi amo-...friend?

well...this is odd.
as i stand here with all these gifts and affection
the only person left now is my reflection...

so I guess it's just us now.

hey you.

At the end of the day
at least i tried
i'm more than okay
i gave it a shot
and maybe i missed my target
but what was i aiming for?i forgot
and everything will be alright
i will  let this  go
i will let you go
now it's over
i'm finally done
and it's hard to decide if
my battle was won
but now it's over
it's a little bittersweet
i'll have to find a new path
for my wandering feet.

"because i hate myself"
"how can you hate yourself so much though?!"
"i just do"

i know its difficult to understand
but i thought this through
and i've figured a way to describe what its like
i hope maybe you'll understand
a little maybe.

                                                           imagine you're angry with someone
                                      they've maybe broken something special to you
                             or forgotten to do something and it ended in disaster
                           well,  you're angry with them, so frustrated and angry
                     and you have built up rage, muscles tense and you know
                 you cant hurt them, because thats bad, and you'll feel worse

but the person you're angry with
                                                                        is you.
its like there's two of me
the me that is a body
just simple and does what its told
then there's my head
                     my mind
                     my mind gets frustrated with my body
so very angry
                     my mind punishes my body
for not being perfect enough
for not doing something perfect
for forgetting or not doing it good enough

imagine that
over every
tiny* little thing
of course i hurt myself
its how i learn
to be perfect
i'm working on it
but i'm still angry
with my body
for not performing
good enough

Birds singing
in the dark
—Rainy dawn.