I know
I think too much.
I know
I maybe talk too much.
I know
I maybe dream too much.
but why even a single ,tiny,
thing I ask for.
A thing I want.
a thing that wont just end the stock,
is taken away.

as soon as you find a guy who is so gentle to you and you like how he talks and
when you begin to dream,
day dream,i must say,
he asks me,are you taken?
and obviously,I'm proud to be taken.

He just ends the talking.
is it too mean of him,or i prolly think too much.
and then all my sandcastles fall like the ashes of cigarettes .
and i watch it join the other sandgrains,
never gonna happen

and theres a lot going on inside my head
some issues,i wish i could just properly mend

alas,they just dont seem to let me go
but,
i wish things could just beautifully flow.

words come and go
without a thought,
thoughts jag my brains
should i speak about it
or not?

i'm caught up more than i ever could be
i wish to just take a breath
close my eyes
fake a smile
and drown myself in the perennial sea

Why do i always have to be told
Though indirectly,
but told,
so ******* sarcastically,
with those irritating grins and giggles
'' you know what? you should take part in the beauty contest "

When all i know is that
they have a good reason to
make me feel so on cloud nine for a minute
and down crashing on the ground
with a thud,when i sooner or later
will realise,
no, I've got scars, I've got marks, I've got bruises,
I've got frizzy hair,I've got a skinny bodytype
I've got ordinary clothes, I've got no good pair of heals,like you do.
I dont have the talents to put
makeup on..
duh.


You know it all too well.
i know it,too.
Still,you wanto say it on my face,so that it hits me harder
the time I see myself in the mirror wearing clothes
i feel will make me look alright,just alright.
and then i enter the classroom
seeing all of you guys to be staring at me,
saying,''pooh,you look awesome''
I know why,i know it.

And then as more chicks start to enter,
All I'd want would be to tear my outfit from the middle
throw it away,
rub off that kohl I tried to roughly apply
to kinda accentuate my tiny Asian eyes.


Because all of you guys
look so **** perfect.
so gorgeous.
so rich.
so what we say CLASSY
so IT.

When'll I be enough?
am i always gonna wear those nerdy glasses,
slick back my bangs from my forehead
that hides my scars ..
wear the oversized, boring sweaters,
and pants and shoes,and with books by my side .
Am i never going to be like y'all?

that others want to be like.
who look upto them.

when someone'll be like, ''i wanna be like her"
Can i never be that 'her' ?
can i never get a compliment?
Can i never hold the crown?
or that sachet ?
or the flowers?
or the teddies?
or the hamper?

NO?

i must rather abide with my
unlucky,
hopeless,
shady,
dusky, good-for-nothing
weird life?

Can i never make something out of it,
with my appearance appreciated?
even from people who matter,
from people who live with me
under the same roof?
can ,for once and for all,
i be made feel
enough............
?

[11w]

You come and go
like fragments from a  garbled dream.
A dream long forgotten
A shattered dream.
You knock on my door
and run away.
Tap on my windows,
like playing
hide&seek.;
Banging on my walls
Lunacy overtakes me.
you slip in with the wind and
tease me.

You seesaw with [my] reality
then,i catch your glimpse
in a broken mirror,
a cracked heart
and a memory.

you happen,then un-happen
like love
like ecstasy

you're the reality all night long
and then a faint memory

Days like these lead to
Nights like this leads to
Love like ours
You light the spark in my bonfire heart
People like us, we don’t need that much
Just someone that starts, starts the spark in our bonfire hearts

for once i felt
i will be immortal
or maybe
live a thousand years
with him by my side,
holding hands,
having babies
together in misery
together forever.

that one invisible memory
BURNING
  BURNT

for once i felt
i shall reach the heights
where nobody could touch
i shall rock
i will smile
i shall travel
i will sigh
now the almost-next-to-impossible
dreams seem hard
because i'm not patient.
for i shall do harm
to myself
so the aspirations too
i watch them
BURNING

and so they are
finally
BURNT

all i am doing is
watching then burn
and they are all
now turning into
white ashes

white b'*** i will
not anymore metaphorise  them
to dark demons that
will someday rip me apart
and break me down
because i will someday
not let 'em get
burnt  anymore*


.....

I'm done breathing.
Its like mainstream to me,now.
I wanna switch off the light.
and not be able to see the sunrise
tomorrow.
I never wanted to make a guy
overpower my sensibility.
but there you go,
as if things have gone
the way i planned.
I got *******.
big time.
Affected the whole lot of me.
I'm trying to try my
luck
with flirting,
No,I wont cheat
on you.
I'm flirting with death.
this way
I
could
never
e-ver
cheat on you.
hope its okay?

I hate the skin I'm in. like it isnt even funny,at all.

i heard that
eloping is in.
mind if we?
give it a shot?

i swear
we'd be
happy
satisfied
alone

and very very very
much in love?
whats say?

I dont know
somehow i find
every other person
except me
happier than myself

they may say
'we've got issues too.'
but i say
i've got severe  problems
even minor ones
attack with
a great intensity

I'm going to turn into
a loner
a psychopath
a *****
a neurotic
and nobody will be
able to do anything about it

only will they realize
when its going to be
too late for treatment
and i'll sit and see
and not utter a word
coz each word of mine
is nothing
but malice,
hurtful.
if i myself,am so miserable,
how do you expect me to
tell you happy words.

i might fake a laugh.
i can try and camouflage my insecurities.
but i dont
promise to
eliminate the from the core.
coz now its inscribed
on my skin
in my mind
in my soul.
The flaws arent my problems.
being talked about
by your own
parents
who claim to be your
only true ,family on earth,
ridiucle you
for minute,ill purposes.

mom,and dad,
now
EVEN YOU?


u n f a i r

my palm ,
i cut,
my palm
i stared
my palm,
was bleeding,
i watched it bleed
until it froze
in the cold
my palm's now
warm
burning
with heat
maybe its the painful emotions
trying to pour out
of my cuts
thank god

they can now be free,i wish,
after they are bled out
they shall disappear
oh,i wish

i am
watching my scar now so timid and quietly pouring,and again
it froze.
what a scene.
no?
:(

Days have passed,
I sit and stare,
At the phone,
But why do I care?

You came like a shooting star,
You never promised you’d stay,
I pre assumed it for myself,
That you wanted me and I granted you may.

I was such an idiot,
To give you my all,
I gave you till the brim,
To face this day,when you shall never call?

I still try and flush you,
Out of my mind,
Sometimes It works,
But its not that im blind.

We were like a candle
Spreading light,
Our faces glowing so bright,
We were happy,we were kind,
You flickered it,
What a plight?

O' thee mastermind
You tried to end this
On a note you sound guilty
Gratefully,you had a girl like me
I made sure you don’t feel filthy

******
PITY

These words keep creeping me out
My demons take your side
They come ina stride.
They say I ,myself am a doubt.

I neverdenied not giving
You what you always craved for
I had some rational reasons,
Your tendencies grew more and  more.

My kisses are all that
You wanted
My skin is all that
You longed to feel
With your lascivious eyes
I permitted you to see me
I don’t know you actually saw me
Or saw through me?
My hugs are all you wanted
As a hallmark to our thing

Oh lord,why on earth
Did I fall so hard for a guy
As pervert as you,
Bcus all the reasons why
Left me
Were mere reasons to please your pal.

I was meant to be crushed
You planned my stampede of emotions
Yet,I gave you the key to my heart
And allowed you to rob me wholly?



OH,HOW VULNERABLE WAS I?

Bcus we never
Got physically
Intimate,just like your best friend had,
I was ridiculed and punished relentlessly,
Till I could badly corrode.

You were corrupt,young man!
You are a delaer,**** it!
You hollowed me,I’m empty!
This void that spaces me out
From merry people,kills my insides,
Alas! My murderer for love/boys
Shall never be convicted,for sure.

Rather I’d invite you to the
Cortege of a young
Girl you once
Pretended to love,
And ended up
Suffocating her to death,
Not entirely though,
She still lives,
Partially.
She still fakes a smile.
She still forces a laugh.
Assures herself,she ‘s mature
Enough to go on.
YES,I’m half way there.

But all of me
Loved all of you
And now,when a part of me
Is turning into smoke,
When I dreamt of ‘I dos’
Today I pronounce you
‘guilty as charged’
For hurting me so hard for
Not pleasing  your greedy senses,
Leaving me so
Unpalatable.
When I look at myself
In the mirror
Not that I used to smile everyday
Looking at my reflection.
But this day,
I glare at myself,
Parts of me you wanted to
Touch,
*****,
Feel
And smile.
Im left disgusted, do you even realize
I feel like a ***** *****
how I used to get ready to please you,
and you never appreciated it?
Yeaahhh,now I get you,you never
Liked me with clothes on,isn’t it?
It feels like
Getting ready
To be your meal
Satisfying your hunger
Am I that puerile ?
That silly?
I poured  these things
from me to you
And hope
they will suffice .

I hold you guilty,
Yet release you
Bcus again thankfully,
You were once loved by a girl,
You felt was naïve,
Is strong enough to pardon you,
I don’t know if it’s a
Blessing or a curse,
But hwat I had was true,
And all this time your feelings were strew.

Disgusted,
Definitely,
But certainly,
Not
Destroyed!

i dont know if i call you.
i'd sound desperate .
i dont know if i text you,
i'd look shameless.
i dont know if i must tell everything to you,
but what if,i sound clumsy and confused.
i dont know.
anything
absolutely nothing.
you complicate me.
all the time.
wish it could all just be
clear
that i wouldnt mind
writing ,
spilling
all thats inside me
to you.
but its hard.
because i have to
keep in mind
image i make of myself
on you.

i dont know
when i could just be free.
free in front of
you.
i keep saying
i'm only me when i'm with you.
but guess its not true
i do take my steps
cautiously.
i dont know.
why
just why?

[14w]

the symptoms to bipolar disorder correctly match up to my current state of being.
NO.
I'm scared

...... but
they
          dont
know
                      me

YET ......

I'm Writing you,
Cause there's nothing left here
For me to do
But please know that
I'm trying to make up for my mistakes
And you're moving on
With guilt and  memories
But I was wrong
To ever test us
This broken chord of
our music
is more than I can take

So this is the way that
I'll tell you
That I'll leave you alone
if you want me to
But I've had enough of this life alone

I'll give it up this time I know
I don't deserve to tell you
that I love you
There's nothing in this world
I'd take above you
I'm dead inside
Bring me back to life.

So,its never that late
to show you who i'm
to tell you that i care
and i know
you too wanna love me
and i know you'll understand
that i could be your
*'missing page'

[6w]

The night had been pretty obnoxious,
twisting and turning sleeplessly,
various jagged up thoughts provoking me in,
i rubbed my eyes,
constantly

washed my face
to get a more clear picture of myself,
****,i still look the same,
the same old me,
ugly,
scarred,
bruised,
weird cheeked,
abnormal finger shapes,ugh,
everytime i look in the mirror,
i hope to see an improvement.

but i fail,
all the time,
i mean,
just for once,if i could be
satisfied.
for a minute,
and still tell myself,
"phew,you did look alright than before,though for a few seconds, wow,"

NO.
doesnt happen ,now.
i try to  be  as positive as i can,
only if it could re-create my distorted face image
and i could confidently talk to guys or anybody else,for that matter,
eye-to-eye.

if i could be confidently walk without hiding my scars from people,
who might just crack a joke
or prank up
or ***** on me

i'm
sick and tired of all of this

Help me now, or watch me leave.
that shall happen,v soon.

I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible.

smiling that i was such a fool to push you away from me and then crave for you later

idk
enlighten me
somebody just told me to do that,but its hard to swallow.

I always wanted more from you
than you were willing to give;
So now we've gone our separate ways
each with different lives to live.

The bond will always be there
the friendship always intact;
But the time for us has come and gone
and the pages of time, you can't turn back.

I will always be a friend to you
and wonder how you are;
The smiles and laughter I will remember
and our fights have become painless scars.

Sometimes on those busy days
when you've a thousand things to do;
Please let me glide slowly through your mind
and spend some time with you.

In that quiet moment
when you're surprised to find me there;
Just remember even with the distance between us
I am still someone who cares.

[13w]

And you were like
an angel in disguise to me.
out of nowhere
you dropped your sparkles
on me,
saying
I
love
you.
and it made me travel the moon
&
back,
with my delirium and faded zest
transforming to
thrill
and glow

i,thankyou,
today.

Lets get back to how we were.
and not how you're planning it to be.
please
No.
Lets never finish,
what we once started.
lets make this for life.
b'*** I,
I might as well,
wait for forever.
If that means,
I might have you.
Like we were.
And not how we plan
To be.
No.
Please.
Presence is not all that i need.
I need some more.
I have you.
but I dont have YOU.

I think
my
*heartbeats always tell lies
like all the time

they remind me,when
i'm sleeping
with my ear
close to my heart.

that i'm living.
still.
alive.
but the truth is,
that
actually
I'm not.

I
   am
                     dying
every
single

day
of            my LIFE

Your smell
Deer musk
I’d search all my life
Your eyes
I see myself
Looking at you, looking at me
Your teeth
Visible now
Through the window of happiness
That is your smile
A blank sheet
A love letter
My cry for help
Where are you now?


                Your smell
          Lost in the air of hatred
            You run through my veins
                     You’re under my skin
Like the most delicate petal
      Of a wildflower
          You were gone
                With the wind
                      The chimes didn’t ring
                               No Christmas this year.



My love letters
Mere blank pages
My cry for help
Where are you now?

it smelled foul.
it then
rot.
and then ruined.
its now stitched.
gates are closed.
see you later. about turn. some other time.

Mom
you shouldnt have said that.
i'm not worthless
i'm not a nobody
i'm trying
i recieve love
from everybody
but
you.

I'm no barbie doll.
I dont have perfections
I'm far from them.
but I'm not worthless
I'm trying.
i wanted you.
but you dont realize
you hurt me
i hurt myself
today
cuts on my palm
cry out thew words
'ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS.'


no.please
i'm not
at least lie to me i'm not.
cause
i'm trying.please.

Somewhere
down the line,those
those,pretty,soothing
                                       love songs...................

you once sent me,
give me the strength to wait for you
a little bit longer.
they make me nostalgic,
and just how much i wish
i could possible do every single thing in this world with you,
because they say,
you're only young once.
so,
I'm always,I have always been READY


just how much i miss you,
i love you,
I love you more
each day.
more
and more


I wish,
I just keep wishing.
Thats someday you'll caress my waist
like nobody ever has,
pull me close,
give me a tender,soft Kiss on my lips.
and we both could just kiss
like we invented it.
And I'd appreciate that so much.
Aaah


sigh
but all I do is
*cry

Yes
this happened again
oh please dont blame me
your harsh words
are still echoing in my ears
yeah,I'm a celeb
the third grade celeb.
no one cries for her
someone used to
but I'm certain now
Nobody will ever do
Was that all?
Am i so bad?
the answer is.
ermm
yeah.
Right?


Did i just happen to me?
When i think about it
my eyes shine so bright
into sorrow and pain.
thats all what i had?
nothing do i mean?

Oh no,I'm not lying.
I used to live an isolated life.
i guess now i have to go back to it.
I'm broken into torments.
do you see that?
never did it happen before
but yes!
Someday someone had to get rid of my trashboxiness
That was supposed to be you,maybe

A small hill had to become a huge mountain
just like on misunderstandings.

Nothing i can say
my sorrow is latent
you cant see it
never did i expect this from you.
i wish it never ends
your actions.
hurt me.
your words
b
r
e
a
k
me

your silence
K I L L S me
your ignorance Dissapoints me

just one question to answer.
why me?
guess those words were right.

my friends .oh,there are no friends.

Every cloud has a silver lining,
so just keep hoping
one day you'll find
LOVE , yeah.
and one day
you'll find
*peace

No matter how much i talk of love and how obsessed i'm with romance,and love flicks.and how much i need somebody who loves me to the core.as soon as i have it.I cannot take it.I crib when he compliments and crib when he doesn't.and a lot more serious and stupid stuff.

I'm so stupid.That this disorder that i have,has separated us today.
and i know,tomorrow,or some days later,i shall cry for wanting you back,bcus i am incomplete and alone.But,well,lets face it. I gotta deal with my emotions. how my mood and emotions and feelings fluctuate.so its better to stay outta this pure fantasy named LOVE. Because not everyone get what they aspire for,and definitely hot messes like me,dont deserve being in love or being loved,
NONE OF THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE
my crazy,super crazy,miserable,chaotic life.
cheers to my trouble.
so please.dont come close to me,dont love me,dont look at me,i need help,and maybe you dont realise just how much i really need it.i dont wanna spoil you with my ill behavior.
I thanked you for being an angel  2 days ago.and now i never imagined,i will be bidding you a long Goodbye.forever.

i read poems with girls lamenting and ranting about how their guy left them,broke hearts and stuff
and here i'm standing
when i was the one to call it off,even when he loved me so much.but I didnt feel the same any longer.
instead of cheating on him with some other guy,i confessed it all,b'*** thats what we guys used to do,no secrets.
but now he hates me.but loves me too. but i like somebody else now . I stand here like some culprit .i feel like i'm one of the guys in those poems and i feel like a loser.
am i wrong?
please tell.
its painful.
very
very
painful.
ughg