I am not in control
I am in control
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not…
I am…

Free?
Freed?
Free?

Feed
Food

Love
Loved
Love
Loving

Livin­g
Loathe
Living
Loathed
Loath
Lost

Control
Un control
Uncontrollable
Un comfortable
Controlled by
Controlling
Cons
Conned
Consequence
Conniving
Troll
Trolled
Tr­olls
Con Troll

I
Am
Not
In
Control
I
Am
In
Control
I
Am
All
Of
It

I think
You have me in your grip
I feel
Your strangle hold
I watch
You keep me prisoner
I know
You make me old

I pray
I can escape from here
I want
To flee from hell
I wish
You would release me
I'm drowning
'Neath your spell

You know
The tricks to trap me
You’re expert
At deceit
You dominate
With anger
And force
Me to retreat

I’m stunned
With fear as you rage on
Immobile and denuded
Incapable of rational thought
Deprived and then excluded

Why is it
People
Control
Other people?

What is there
To be lost
In independence
Or gained
From co-dependence?

Why is it
That the powerful
Must control the weak?

The rich need
Control the poor?

The greedy
Control the needy?

The healthy
Control the sick?

Why is it so?
Why?
Why?

When will we learn
The power of freedom?

When will we uphold
The dignity of each individual?

When will we see
The dawn of new nationhood?

When we will live
As one human family?

I have come for you

But can't I go any further?

Life has happened to you.

But I wanted to live differently!

Life has happened to you.

But I need to live better!

Your life has happened to you and now it is done.

I could refuse, I could leave this, find something better, make you see what I mean?  I could stay, fight, change things, make them better...

Life has happened to you.  This is what you have done, and now you must come.

But I don't want to.

Then you must fight, harder than ever before, or die.

We are on the brink
We must fight to survive
We must fight to live

Our energies collide
But we must not turn them to fire
Fire which burns all in its path

We must cool the meshing waves
And turn them to creation
And ask ourselves
Why do we do it?

We must awaken
Our deepest morality

Mine our consciousness
To create coexistence

Never should our bodies turn to arms
Never should we destroy life

Smiles and laughter alone
Should decorate the faces of the young
As they gallop into the future

Those who have exploited others
Must repay them

Those who have done wrong
Must put it right

Those who promote imbalance
Must rebalance

We must find a way
To create a home for everyone

The natural earth is our joy and guide
The very birds and flowers
Rivers and seas cushion us from our basest desires

The diversity of nature
Shows us the way

The fine balance of nitrogen oxygen
Argon and carbon dioxide
In our air
Allows us to breathe and metabolise

We are loved, embraced, nurtured
By our universe

We must fight
Endure
Struggle
And work
For our very future

Are you covering up?
Then you must uncover!

You are not allowed to wear this,
You must take that off!

You will pay for this!

This is wrong

Policeman
You’ve no right
To tell women
How to dress

This cannot be law
This cannot be right
This is incorrect
Let there be no doubt

If laws create division
We must educate

Let us be human
Let us apologise

We may not get things right all the time
But we must recognise the errors
We have made
And set them right

I am writing the future
With my pen
Whether I like it
Or not

I am instructing the universe
With my voice
Whether I like it or not

I am building the world
With my actions
Whether I like it or not

Creative struggle
To emanate words
Copper brown leaves

I am happiest
During days full of creativity
In which I am working with others
To create something new

I must be crossing new borders
Because I feel
So tired

I am desperately
Avoiding
How I am feeling

Wanting to cut away
From the inertia
Of my inertia

The good words were...
Actively endure
Believe in a better future...

Yet this is the hardest part
To believe

The reason why
I do not know

Part of me wants
To sabotage what I want
What I have created
And so I cry

Protect what you have created!
Celebrate it
Nurture it
Keep nurturing it
Work on it

Even if you take
Just one step forward

Find a way to focus on what you are doing
Do not listen to the voice that wants to topple you

Keep listening to and amplify
The voice that loves you

Find a way to praise yourself
And revere your potential

Live with the confidence of a bird

Constantly improve
On what you are offering

Yearn
Yearn
Yearn

Don’t believe the voice that says you are not capable
Because you are

Keep things simple
Tell things as they are

Find a way forward
Advance where you can

Even a tiny step
Will help

Which path to take?

Become lost 
And follow destruction?

Or find 
A truer way
And live with the higher self?

A self that does not blame others
A self that strives to live humanely
A self that creates 
And does not destroy 

Which person to become?

Embattled, defeated
Drifting, rootless?

Or strong, grounded
Honest, compassionate

Which path to take?

I may need a guide, kind and true.
I may need a friend, clear and strong
I may need support 
To help me climb the many steps

All are there, 

But 

Which path to take?

Cut
Skin
Heals

When you are in the dark
It is easy to forget
What it was like
When you were in the light

I have a feeling
That this coming winter
Will be like nothing
I have ever experienced

There are dark clouds on the horizon
And the ‘captains’ of our national ship
Seem not to have
Their passenger’s best interests at heart

So, what is there to be done?
Other than to face the storm
And accept that it will come
And batter we humans
With its ferocious winds

And then
One day
When we think we can take no more
It will be over
And the waters will be still and calm again
And we will have to re-build

But the storm clouds I see
Are thick and heavy
And it may well be years
Before we experience life
As it once was

Quietly
Rests
The dark earth
Beneath silver moonlight
Sodden
Breathing
Ancient

Broken sleep
Sweating
Troubles
Shouting

Self flagellation
Professional
Life

Great propulsion
Modern day greed

Perspiration
Shouting
Broken sleep

Friendship
Laughter
Love
Kindness

Strangers
Lovers
Passio­n
***

Two nails
Driven
Through
Troubled childhood

Cysts
Twisting
Aching
Burst

Liberty
Marriage
Brotherhood
Death

Control
Comfort
Softness
Care

Inequ­ality
Separateness
Loneliness
Dread

Sadness
Despair
Aching
Spend­

Bitter
Regret
Hope
Grunt

Broken sleep
Perspiration
Troubles
Shouting

21st Century
Luxury
Living

21st Century
Living
Death

A dead pigeon
Lay on the tarmac
Behind the deserted funfair
At Southend pier

We were taking our daily walk
And almost didn’t see

But then we noticed
The poor creature
Eyes pale and closed
Neck turned
Wings fanned
Motionless, empty

Beside it
Stood a second pigeon
Quietly
Waiting
One inch, maybe two
From its companion

The pigeon saw us
Blinked a few times
And continued to wait
Unmoving
As if somehow
It was paying respects
To its lost friend

I don’t know if
They were husband and wife
Friends
Or even siblings

But I do know
That the pigeon
Was grieving
Showing deep respect
For its fallen friend

And we stood and watched
This solemn ceremony
For many minutes

As the pigeon stood
Silently, softly
Beside its lost friend
And our hearts felt
The sorrow
Of that bird

Dear reader
Did you know
That you may well have saved me?

These written words
Come from deep inside of me
They are my effort, my attempts
To pin the pages of my life
To something or somewhere
That will outlast my time here

You see I am given to thinking
That unless I find some meaning
In each and every diurnal course
And record my daily memories
In my own personal way
I may as well
Just float away on the breeze
And let the balmy days roll into each other
Blurring into a cloud
Of missed opportunities

This poem
Should you ever come to read it
Tells you all you need to know
About my work

It reveals nothing but
My personal struggle
With my very immortality
It shows my clumsy attempts
To grasp this very moment
And imprint it
On something
‘Real’

And should your eye
Ever pass over these lines
In some distant future
Then maybe you will know
What I am feeling right now

And if you know that feeling
Maybe you will have felt it too
And together
We may have somehow found meaning
In our very existence
Creating
A connection
That bridges
The space and time
Between us

Dear reader
I may be long gone by the time you read this
But your attention
Has kept a small part of me
Alive

Death happens every day
From the smallest insect
To the most giant of all beasts
Death happens every day

We live our lives
As if we will all live forever
Carry on taking it all for granted
Carrying on until

One day, a friend dies
And everything stops
And somehow takes on
A different meaning

At least for a while
At least for a while

We stop, we gather
We think and feel differently
We cry, we remember, we pray, we sleep,
Strangely exhausted from our grief

And then we return to life
Back to our routine
Back to being surrounded by
Thousands of deaths, insignificant to us, invisible to us

Yet we should remember
That one day we will be gone,
As will all of those around us
And that means something to everyone

It is said we face
The worst economic decline
In 300 years

So be it

Would we prefer
An economic acceleration?
Has our economic activity created
The world we really desire?

Perhaps we should slow down
And let the environment
Recover?

After all
Economic prosperity
Does not equal happiness

My life has unleashed
A demon within
That tells me
You can’t win
You’re not good enough!

It laughs saying
You are getting too old
It sneers saying
You don’t deserve to be loved

But I am prepared
To fight
To the end
Even if must battle
The demon forever

As long as I fight
I know I can win
And
Tomorrow
I will hope
For a better
Day

My demons come in the small hours of morning.
They gnaw at my sleep
And nudge unwelcome thoughts
Into my consciousness

‘You will never get this done’
‘Never get that done’
‘You are not doing enough!’

I can’t hear their voices
But I can feel their power

And all I seem to want to do
Is disappear into some kind of burrow
Deep in the earth

Somewhere I cannot be found
Where not even bad thoughts
Can penetrate my hiding place

Perhaps
In these winter months
I become like a mole
Who prefers not to see the world
Or be seen by it

My difficulties
Are mine

They make
My face scowl
My temper short
My brow furrow
My blood pressure rise
My back ache
My joie de vivre slip
My doubts strong

They make me think
I can’t win

My difficulties
Are mine

They help me change
Help me win
Even when I thought I’d lose
Help me grow
Bring me new understanding
Take me to undiscovered places
Are the opening
To my solutions

My difficulties
Are
Mine

What is this disease?
Have we really been at ease recently?
Or have we been made uneasy or dis-eased
By the current of our times?

The swell of our humanity
Has brought us all to this point
Engines of acquisition
In which we buy cheap and sell dear
Have landed us all…here

Was it really that easy
For us all to live
In the way we have been living?

Perhaps if our energies had been directed
Towards the goals of all humanity
Perhaps this dis-ease would have been transformed
And we would all sleep better, feel better
Knowing that our energies had been put
To the very best use...

What is this world that we have created?
Is it the very best we can imagine?

What if we all closed our eyes
For one whole minute
And imagined a world just the way we wanted it to be

Perhaps we wouldn’t need to pray to the Gods
For a heavenly afterlife
Perhaps we could create the world
That everyone would want to live in
Instead

What has happened to you?
Why do you ****?
Where is your place?
Have you given up caring?

Don’t you think about pain?
Are you too numb to feel it?
When you sleep
How do you release
The trauma of what you have done?

Are all things black
Cold and empty?
Is there any colour in what you see?

Do not ignore the
Green shrubs against pink skies
White clouds and street lights
Familiar faces
And birds on bare branches

Follow the green lights
And sunset façades
The running water
The buses and cars

All that is needed
Is a little time to soak it all in

When endorphins are low
And the body goes slow
Offer yourself some energy flow

Remember that
Fronds of grasses
Sway and glide
In the playtime of the breeze

And the world is but a collection
Of happenings

World
Of
Distraction

Created
Invented

Innocuous
Daggers
To *****
The soul

A million
Distractions
Distracting
The living

Swarms
Of
Minutiae
To Fill
The Hole

Thousands
Of
Images
Fluttering
Dancing

Meaningless
Marketing
Slowly
Osmosed
­
Pulsing
Like
Waves
On
A Tidal
Emotion

Keeping
My dreamscapes
Firmly
At Bay

Distracting
Distractions
I follow
A piper

Follow
Wherever
The melody
Floats

Distracting
Distractions
So soft
And
Persistent

Gently
You
Wrestle
The hours
Away

Do not quail
At the task ahead of you
Just complete it
Step by step

Be a lion
Not a mouse
Get to know yourself
And become stronger than ever

Build a backbone of iron
And do not bend
Before the eight winds

For solutions are in the air
They just need to be found
And tapped

To have a seeking spirit
Is the way to live
And achieving victory
Brings joy

When the going
Has got too tough
It’s time to get going
And drive forwards

Don’t sit in the stagnant pool
Of decay
Don’t delay
Start a new day

Extricate yourself
From the mess of the past
And formulate
A new reality

Ungoverned by old demons
Ruled by the true you
Cut free
From the enemy
And light a torch
Of freedom

There is always something
That can be done
To make a difference

Don’t give up hope

There is the joy of nature
The symphony of bird song at dawn
The warmth of the sun

Don’t give up hope

The sound of a friendly voice
A greeting from a stranger
The purring of a cat

Don’t give up hope

The embrace of a loved one
A meal shared with others
A good night’s sleep

Don’t give up hope

Don’t give up hope

Don’t give up hope

A door is a gateway
To a new possibility
Some doors
Have many locks, chains and bolts
Designed to keep all but a few
Outside

Some doors are simple, unlockable
Easily opened
As long as you can reach the handle

Some doors are left ajar
And others
Are flung wide open

The human heart is like a door
Sometimes open
Sometimes firmly shut

A heart that is open
Allows others to enter
A heart that is locked
Will in time become
Desolate and isolated

Dragonfly
I think you must be returning home
After your day in the sun

I wonder if you remember
When you were young?

A tiny nymph
Growing
Shedding skin
Feeding
Beneath the water

Waiting
Waiting
For the time to arrive

For you to take
Your first flight
And leave the water
Far behind

Dragonfly
Did you suffer as you hung
From the river bank
Waiting for your wings to grow?

Dragonfly
Your transformation is complete
And you fly free across the evening sky
As if it were the easiest thing to do

Dragonfly
You will wait quietly somewhere  
For tomorrow to come
And I gaze at the soft sky thinking
Will I surrender to my own transformation
Just as you did?

Think of yourself
As wonderful

Place your dreams
In the middle
And grow
Day by day

Lower a bucket
Into a well spring of hope
And draw deeply
So that in your final hour
You will be ready to journey
Into new adventures
Free from regret

Some things
Mean everything

Like being loved
For who you are
By those you love

I dream of holidays by the azure sea
The sun beating on my face
Of swimming freely in the waves
Of dozing on a comfortable sun lounger

I dream of music
Playing games
Laughter
Friends

Good food
Refreshing drinks
Breathing clean air
Staying up late
Lying in

Creating
Sharing ideas
Loving

Being one with the earth
Being one with others

I return
Only to dream again

Giant whale
Lying on the beach
What have you come to show us?

For years you quietly graced
This blue planet
And now
You spend your final hours
Exposed to the world
Naked
Helpless
Dying

Far from the familiarity
Of the deep
Separate from the safety
Of your pod
What courage you have
Great whale
In delivering your message
For all to see

Sharing your final suffering
Motionless
Dignified
Giant and sad

Great whale
Great whale

People have learned
To fly away
To distant planets
To drill great holes
Beneath the earth
To join the elements
And build mighty towers

But for all we have done,
We cannot return you to safety
We cannot do a thing to save you

All we can do is watch
Dumbstruck by your presence
Hoping for the tides to restore you

In vain
In vain

Great whale
I wish that I could talk to you
Understand your secrets
Hear your wisdom

But no words of comfort
Do you speak
Great Whale
No words

Your quiet message
Your being
Here
Grips our silence

In the silent spaces
Of pre-dawn
Particles of dreams
Oscillate
And merge

Dewdrops sparkle
Catching rays of pure sun
As the wondrous
Unfettered
Glory of creativity
Awakens

Super-natural bodies dance
And smiles drift into sleeping faces
As delicately as the approach of spring

Songs are born
And writers take up pens
Artists splodge their brushes
Into thick globs of paint

Actors breathe deeply
Singers warm their voices
And poets notice
Each blade of grass
And bow in wonder
At each tiny miracle

This great world
Is the cradle
Of human endeavour
And true art
A supreme act of gratitude

The early risers
Are ripped from their sleep
By tinkles and chimes
Of programmed alarms

They tread their cold floorboards
To peer in their mirrors
Observing dark shadows
Beneath their worn eyes

They are the ones
Who meet with bewilderment
The dark of pre-dawn
And ponder its death

They are the ones
Who half-asleep shuffle
Along broken pavements
Avoiding black puddles

They are the wearers
Of gloves and wool hats
Thick scarves and overcoats
And knotted shoe laces

A slumber-some army
Making their pilgrimage
To station and hospitals
Factories and schools

They are the ones
Who catch the first birdsong
The breaking of dawn
The crisp of the air

They are the ones
Who gaze at the moonlight
Wonder at stars
And think of the spring

They are the ones
Who live out the hours
Whilst we comfortable sleepers
Lie warm in our beds

If I had a fraction
Of the ease
With which
You embrace life
I would be
A million times happier

But my nature
Is different to yours
My journey
Apposite

I can learn from you
Observing
Your embodied qualities
Pondering
Their meanings

Poeisis
The act of formation
Making
Something
New

I
Am
Making
This
For
You

This
Creation
Lives
For
The first time

In
The minds
Of twenty first
Century
People

Educate
Educere
To Lead
Forth

Educopoiesis?
To lead
Through making?

Making ourselves?
Letting others
Make
Something
Of
Themselves?

Governments
Come
And
Go

They
Are
But
Necessary
Organisers
Of
Passing
Times

But the makers
The educopoeisers
Are
The ones

Who
Make
The
Future

Man:

That’s all right
I’m on the train
That’s all right, mate
Lee’s coming in
It’s all good
Speak to you later
It’s all good
Ta-da
Bye

Girl:

Oh my god I start at 9 not 11
I’m on the train
Hello
Hello?
Hello!
Hello?
Hello!
Hello!
Ah…ok
Hello?
No Yes
Last night?
I was like, I start at nine, so I got up at six
No one was awake
So I got up early…

Yeah, yeah I know…
Yeah but it’s stopped at Pitsea for ages
No, there’s not one
I don’t know
Yes, it going to Grays
Yeah
Yeah yeah it’s fine
Yeah
I think I’m still finishing at three
Oh no no no no no no
I finish at 1pm
Ok
All right
Bye

(PAUSE)

*Hello?
Ah ok, ok
The next station is Stanford
Ok wait so you said one at 8.18?
So even if I don’t make that, I will still make it
I have to be 10 minutes early
Yeah
Yeah
Ok
All right
Ok
Bye

8.38

and

54

55

56

seconds

After months of politicians
Talking, shouting
Avoiding, annoying
Appearing, disappearing
Wheeling, dealing
Promising, denying
Lying, bribing
Flying, running
Walking, joking
Mocking, shocking
Knocking, flocking
Blocking, quaffing
Scoffing and parroting

It all comes down to this
A pencil
Some paper
A choice
A cross
A box
Some counting
Some checking
An announcement
An ending for losers
A beginning for winners
A new regime
Voted in
That will affect the lives
Of everyone

After months of politicians
Talking, shouting
Avoiding, annoying
Appearing, disappearing
Wheeling, dealing
Promising, denying
Lying, bribing
Flying, running
Walking, joking
Mocking, shocking
Knocking, flocking
Blocking, quaffing
Scoffing and parroting

It all comes down to this
A pencil
Some paper
A choice
A cross
A box
Some counting
Some checking
An announcement
An ending for losers
A beginning for winners
A new regime
Voted in
That will affect the lives
Of everyone

Four more years?
Or
Something else?
I hope
For humanity’s sake
A greater consciousness
Prevails
And that true leadership
Emerges

I hunger
For your body
Your external incarnation
Your entity
Yet I know
That beneath your skin
Flows the river
Of all of your
Hopes
Dreams
Disappointments
Experiences
Victories
Heartbreaks
D­esires
And
Sufferings

I thirst for your physicality
But I cannot fathom
Your internality
And the alchemistry
That we will forge
If our beings
Ignite
And our souls
Elide

Why let others
Tell you how to feel?

Why let others
Tell you what to think?

Emotion control

Thought control

Control
Control

If we forget
How to feel
We lose who we are

If we forget
How to think
How can we change the world?

And the world needs
Change
Doesn't it?

There are those
Who want things
To stay the same

There are those
Who are frightened
Of change

Change will come

How we experience it
Is up to us

Words escape
Like water between my fingers

Thoughts evaporate
As surely as dewdrops facing sunrise

Inspiration eludes
Like snow in summer

But still

My page needs to be filled
And l sit
Without a meaningful thought in my head

If everything that I knew disappeared
What would be left?

Even the things that I despise and criticise
If they were gone,
What would there be?

Emptiness?

Nothing?

Space?

Encoded words
Spell
Desire

Luscious fruits float
Before blurry eyes

And I lose consciousness

The future
Is too close

In my charred malady
Dizziness sways me
And expectantly
I count the days until...

I stop

All expectation

And enter
The forest
Of my dreams

From this moment I entrust everything
To the great mystic laws of the universe
This is the only way for things
To unfold in the best way

All of my controlling ways
Bring nothing but stress into my life
So, I am letting go
Determined to experience life
In a new way

We are one
Inseparable

The cleaving crack
Of lightning
Reflected through
The greys of my brain

The interplay
Of sun and rain
Reflected
In unchosen destinies

Strands of unfinished work
Draped like fronds of weeping willows
Over aching limbs

The desperate thirst for health
Pervasive
Within the connected communities
Of living entities

The longing for calm
Instinctive
Necessary
Shared

Bound up
In faith