everything is vibrating again
bleeding blood through another weekend
drenched in sin and emotional dividends
what i lack in love i make up for in vices

she smiled
but it didn't reach her eyes
the weight of gold
and everything else inside

today should be one of those fun
mundane take the lords name in vain
again and again kinda days

every opportunity
wasted

i wanna die
straight up
earth undisturbed by me
paradise perhaps
i’ve search and can’t find
a solution more free
less expensive and freeing
thought the feeling was fleeting
but it’s diggin deep and planting seeds
it’s got feet
to stand on
unlike me
on my knees
the perfect ratio
of one death to one ****
don’t worry
i don’t think i really will

Make me choke on those words
All I thought of was a mask
Despite the fact that
Even the wind was at my back

You thought that I forgot
Since the day I walked away
In the cold incessant autumn
Nothing left to pull my brain
     In the right direction
     If you miss it you’re not paying attention

people like us
think the same things
the same way
and sometimes
at the same time
it's the nature of being lost
together in different minds

we all share directions
so that one day we might make it back
we don't need your corrections

he washed until the water ran cold. he scrubbed until the sponge was smooth as satin. the unscathed stack of ***** dishes
just relax backed in the sink laughing at him.

dust sprinkled donuts
i remember you from high school
she whispered behind a curtain
made of lace and laced with liquorice
wicked little sentiments
i dropped the keys like a mile back

i’ve tried to list
the simple things
to make a list
their uniforms are sick
discarded lipstick
minus six inside of splints
for weak wrists
must be seeking ****
the G split with lighting
strict rules I drooled
on every pillow
zip lipped keeping secrets
this is
butterfly kisses

there's these memories just floating
around like puzzle pieces that have
been cut into smaller puzzle pieces
each piece now a puzzle in and of itself

i'm trying so hard to keep up
please believe i am
but the way you move is like lightning
within millionths of a second
striking the ground and caressing
every rain drop on your way down

last night
a drunk man spoke
"it makes sense
if you make sense
of the things i'm saying"
in the moment
i didn't understand
but now
oh but now
i still don't

i pray i'm imagining things.
neurons firing, burning me.
the brakes on this freight car start to scream.
real life breathing into my dreams,
fanning the flames in the evergreens.
real pain where it's not supposed to be.

my father lied on a bed of death
sicklied over with the ailments.
he had given up a long time ago
and now was waiting for it to takes toll
and when his finally breath spoke to the room
i was not there.
i was not able to bid him farewell
and express everything he meant to me
before he traveled to where ever
it was he was going.
probably heaven
it would be the lord's loss not to accept him.
i cried as his head rose with life
my eyes flooded with tears were diminished
as he whisper to me
that he couldn't leave
before he was finished
and then he was gone for good

can't we just be friends
no
i respond to my own frivolous inquiry

you feel different, my love
you feel like remembering a password
you thought you forgot
pushing on the ceiling above
wishing it would all just cave in
maybe it’s the pavement i felt
erasing a welt, a bruise replaced
by embers just waiting to melt
my heart and my face
you pulled me away
from my personal hell

now that this chapter is over
i should start on the next one
but.

it's a little bit like
waiting for your mom to pick you up
and then you see her car
but it turns out to be someone else with the same car

frozen to the marrow
an icy, hollow core
to juxtapose the vessel
through the cosmos we sore
closing in on an answer
orion serves his sword
to slit the adam's apple
before the stars can tell us more

it would be pointless
to piece this broken canvas
back together now

I know there’s a problem
This is not who I want be

I could be better
But I could be dead
There’s a lot of things I wish I never said
I could be happier
But I could be mad
There’s things I never said that I wish I had

you left a crease inside my jeans
everything’s less scary than it seems
maybe the ends justify the means
but i still see strangers in my dreams

something spanish stutters on our most sentimental silence
A road ribbed on both sides with violence
Finds its place inside its high tide and watching suns set
Like guns sent where nuns went
The feet in shoes on boards on wheels
The street in blues encore on orange peels

fiberglass on lips
ice cube on your ****
liquor in the moment
just remember to forget

you feel an empty heart
beating in the street
and thinks it’s me
reflecting specters
in your speech
if lacerations couldn’t speak
then maybe we
could wake these shaking bones
in our sleep

my toes crawl til the ***** of my feet ache
in all the tales told of hero’s and their hearts break
seconds hand just a second off making heat take
it’s place and release a cold crease now a plea ‘s made
for satan to wait a minute before he rakes
the lives of ones we love and all seems break

i hear the whispers of you in everything.
every grey cloud bullying the sun and every stray sound echoing its hum.
lying bare beneath the trees of sleep and waking to an itch without relief.
i believed knowledge equaled belief
but faith was a dry and dying seed.
how can you water what you cannot see?

i am frozen water
you sway in every way
you can to keep at bay
the rays the sun displays

still nestled in the night before
I dreamt of you driving
me wild

we walked through smog
and fields of unfamiliar flora
and something similar to rice
the judgement of korean farmers
failed to pierce the pure happiness
possessed in every tiny step you made
five fingers grasped firmly around one
and a cup full of cheerios

i sat upstairs in a lava lamp
hoping to feel the ground under my feet
fluid flooring is all my soles meet
and i do not think i feel anything

i’ve become the gray i hated
from the day i saw it paved
i’m making room for the demons
satiated in their eyes by this hatred

despondent and vacant
a spacious brain is a playground
for vagrants and the displaced fragments
of society, i feel them eyeing me.

make me whole again
make me full of love
i am solely responsible for
my own happiness
i know this now and
i will not let me down

should i shroud myself
in the great, grey?
your display will claim there’s
something wrong with me

i felt the earth shake beneath me
a mass immobilization of emotions
masquerade music plucking at the strings
of my stone harp heart
i feel awake and liberated
you will never again play me
the way you did before

it’s only when a stranger starts picking
pulling bark and sap starts running
desperately retreating to the warm comfort
of the mud around those buried roots

it’s only when you let down defenses
the brick let’s way to picket fences
and discomfort displaces the sun
of a summer day

am i a clam laboring away at a precious pearl,
or just a broken boy turning my back on the world?

im sick of slamming
face first in drywall
crimson liquid dripping
now, my nose is a waterfall
those words ricochet without fail
when all you have is a hammer
everything looks like a nail.

i wanted love
and received something similar

i believed in what?
a girl who only wore sweatshirts

she spoke of the dreams she had
and none of them felt like my tee shirt
pullover, zip up or button down
now the clown that frowns is me
painting in watercolor never felt so painful

you asked if i had a window
i do but it only opens at the top
so people don’t jump out of it

tingling toes tell the tales of my woes
so self aware with my laser set to stun
i’ve always known, it’s just the way it goes
under the gun and staring into the sun
i thought i won but i’m the first one drunk
on spider webs weaved and spun
my mind as stagnate as the wind around the sun
my thoughts have begun to run on my *****
hunched over failure or lack there of
with nothing left inside my lungs

warm red seeping through my eyelids
while blue skies wed the cloud’s soft white beds
a sleepy breeze whispering behind the shed
lifting the frozen winters head to force him
to peak and see the tread marks of summer
searing their words into subtle spring smells
the new season thaws the thoughts
that felt like frozen hell.