my father lied on a bed of death
sicklied over with the ailments.
he had given up a long time ago
and now was waiting for it to takes toll
and when his finally breath spoke to the room
i was not there.
i was not able to bid him farewell
and express everything he meant to me
before he traveled to where ever
it was he was going.
probably heaven
it would be the lord's loss not to accept him.
i cried as his head rose with life
my eyes flooded with tears were diminished
as he whisper to me
that he couldn't leave
before he was finished
and then he was gone for good

it's a little bit like
waiting for your mom to pick you up
and then you see her car
but it turns out to be someone else with the same car

it would be pointless
to piece this broken canvas
back together now

he washed until the water ran cold. he scrubbed until the sponge was smooth as satin. the unscathed stack of ***** dishes
just relax backed in the sink laughing at him.

blown beyond
but not between
believe in our best

i’ve tried to list
the simple things
to make a list
their uniforms are sick
discarded lipstick
minus six inside of splints
for weak wrists
must be seeking ****
the G split with lighting
strict rules I drooled
on every pillow
zip lipped keeping secrets
this is
butterfly kisses

I know there’s a problem
This is not who I want be

she smiled
but it didn't reach her eyes
the weight of gold
and everything else inside

dust sprinkled donuts
i remember you from high school
she whispered behind a curtain
made of lace and laced with liquorice
wicked little sentiments
i dropped the keys like a mile back

i am frozen water
you sway in every way
you can to keep at bay
the rays the sun displays

something spanish stutters on our most sentimental silence
A road ribbed on both sides with violence
Finds its place inside its high tide and watching suns set
Like guns sent where nuns went
The feet in shoes on boards on wheels
The street in blues encore on orange peels

fiberglass on lips
ice cube on your ****
liquor in the moment
just remember to forget

i pray i'm imagining things.
neurons firing, burning me.
the brakes on this freight car start to scream.
real life breathing into my dreams,
fanning the flames in the evergreens.
real pain where it's not supposed to be.

I could be better
But I could be dead
There’s a lot of things I wish I never said
I could be happier
But I could be mad
There’s things I never said that I wish I had

you left a crease inside my jeans
everything’s less scary than it seems
maybe the ends justify the means
but i still see strangers in my dreams

you feel an empty heart
beating in the street
and thinks it’s me
reflecting specters
in your speech
if lacerations couldn’t speak
then maybe we
could wake these shaking bones
in our sleep

my toes crawl til the ***** of my feet ache
in all the tales told of hero’s and their hearts break
seconds hand just a second off making heat take
it’s place and release a cold crease now a plea ‘s made
for satan to wait a minute before he rakes
the lives of ones we love and all seems break

we walked through smog
and fields of unfamiliar flora
and something similar to rice
the judgement of korean farmers
failed to pierce the pure happiness
possessed in every tiny step you made
five fingers grasped firmly around one
and a cup full of cheerios

i’ll admit that i
have never been the type
to avoid being crucified
i’ve always been the one
to just shut the **** up

and me, deceiving me
so convinced that it’s bravery
a selfless act drenched in chivalry
the crimson handprint worn
proving i’ve never deserved much more

how do i walk away?
i’m collecting sediment
far to heavy to shift
whenever i try to run
i've always been so sentimental
so i trip and eat ****
lips and teeth rip
spittin blood red ****
train wreck, mayhem
can’t tell, me him
you her they them
cut at the stem

you feel different, my love
you feel like remembering a password
you thought you forgot
pushing on the ceiling above
wishing it would all just cave in
maybe it’s the pavement i felt
erasing a welt, a bruise replaced
by embers just waiting to melt
my heart and my face
you pulled me away
from my personal hell

you drink champagne from a wine flute
but only on occasion
maybe socially, it makes you someone
people want to talk to
i drink beer
alone
at home
watching you

breathing even feels distant now
a smog of hissing remembrances of incidents
i wore a fools hat and pranced and danced
and pretended it was happen stance
a lack of loving anything for so long
became the reason i could not love at all

too sober to feel
too drunk to feel
no in-between

you asked if i had a window
i do but it only opens at the top
so people don’t jump out of it

i have felt the asphalt against my face
i have prayed and then played the same game
i have made friends and in the same breath
replaced them with an empty space
and in the hopes of status or capital gained
i have laid in wedlock against soft lace
and felt infidelity’s bittersweet embrace
i have  sinned in the face of grace
and i only wish i had taped it

warm red seeping through my eyelids
while blue skies wed the cloud’s soft white beds
a sleepy breeze whispering behind the shed
lifting the frozen winters head to force him
to peak and see the tread marks of summer
searing their words into subtle spring smells
the new season thaws the thoughts
that felt like frozen hell.

embellishing my relevance
your eloquence is heaven sent
the aggressive postulant’s sentiment
flattered, yes. accept my dissent

spines quiver
in the bed
pleasure delivered
giving head

my timing is always wrong
i belong
to a select percentage
of men who consented
to a whole life tormented
by you

the mornings always hurt too much
for the night to feel worth it
i’m broken and you’re a crutch
but in the moment it felt perfect

i think too much when i’m all alone
memories stinging like a funny bone
i think too much when i’m by myself
i’m just another toy left on the shelf

eager fingertips slipping
between the space where your hips
create a crevices against your jeans
and eventually finding those lips
oh, how your body crests on my eclipse
and finding pleasure like a photograph
sudden and immense and wet
i want to make you feel yourself again

hey
man
relax
he said

the
cops
are on their way

pay
the
fine
i try to comply

but end up in the newspaper instead

im sick of slamming
face first in drywall
crimson liquid dripping
now, my nose is a waterfall
those words ricochet without fail
when all you have is a hammer
everything looks like a nail.

should i shroud myself
in the great, grey?
your display will claim there’s
something wrong with me

i wanted love
and received something similar

i believed in what?
a girl who only wore sweatshirts

she spoke of the dreams she had
and none of them felt like my tee shirt
pullover, zip up or button down
now the clown that frowns is me
painting in watercolor never felt so painful

still nestled in the night before
I dreamt of you driving
me wild

my hand cramps
as my sanity scans
the sand for strands
of the aforementioned man

city skyline bright
your eyes lock in on my eyes
we felt every pulse