Cold summer afternoon, the sun falls through my half opened blinds and
I wonder...
Wait.
Think.
Patiently stop and ask myself...
"Why" in the midst of conversing do I constantly think about you?
Or how when a female walks by
my mind wanders into this deep, deep oblivion
of sunshine and...whatever your favorite flower is.
I see her smile all the while I say nothing
for fear of you never smiling at me again.
With this pen
I will write you every love letter you have never gotten
Gone, but I'll sign the bottom with...
L O V E
Is a thing that you have never known to little of.
Your unmarked face of beauty, girl they're not even close when they call you a cutie.
From your freckles to your perfect eyes as they smile.
Let me be your wondering crocodile,
swimming back and forth keeping you from harm
Your protector.
The projector of a love that demands a voice
Make your final choice
These lands have I scouted far and wide
Lest I should be doubted
I could find you in a room that was crowed
Clouded was my judgment about you
Sprouted has my love for you
Rerouted are my thoughts because they only think of you
You're my super glue.
The one I will always hold on to.
You will be my mother bird and I will be your nest.
You will be my queen and I will show you who's best.
I have never found someone like you
someone where I
Stop patiently, think...wait and wonder about this girl
whose thumb I'm under.

You've come along during a time where I wasn't expecting,

wanting or needing a relationship.

Don't get me wrong I was on many sites, still talking it up

to those who'd seem genuinely interested,

yet I've as you now know, went through a lot of disappointments

with the opposite ***, from cheating, abuse, games,

lies and so much more,

well you now know, so no need for more details.

You've come at a time where & when I only needed a friend,

I should of been clear about that instead of continuing
late night conversations of whose ex's hurt who
the most & the things we'd do differently
"if " only(s)....

"If" only you'd come at a time where DBT- counseling,
was almost complete & these insecurity's
left by the lies,doubts, mistrust or broken down communications
from past experiences didn't have me questioning
every single word you say,
plus every one of your actions made.

I've been keeping to myself,
becoming a recluse,
but
from the
Mental Disorders handbook,
I'm listed as
a afflicting person since I've display
a person with a pervasive pattern of  social inhibition,
feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation,
with my avoidance of social interaction.

I'm afflicted with the disorder & I tend to describe me
as ill at ease, anxious, lonely, and generally feel unwanted
plus I fell I'm isolated from others.

I used to go out a lot,
I had a plethora of friends well very good acquaintances,
I've allowed exes to push me into giving them up & now
I find it hard to just open up, find it so difficult to trust.

My supposed best friend slept with my husband
and another of these so called best-friends lied to a few men
that could of become my man.

So women or man- I find it hard to be myself now round them,
round you it was easy to talk to laugh and be completely free,
but I should of told you, I wasn't ready for
late night trips to your home, showers or baths to relax me,
back rubs until you put me to sleep.

Wasn't ready for you and those powerful hugs,
the encouragements
or
pats on the back
for the countless hours studying & getting my 4.0
with all my college classes .

You're a friend well you were & still are,
I should of left it at that.
Should of...

I should of told you,
that I doubt I know what loves is
or 
 if I've ever really owned it, I think I've rented it- a time or so,
but to say that I've been truly loved?

Naw I doubt it,
been infatuated & lusted a lot but love?
again
Naw I doubt it...
You already know I ain't speaking of my children,
pets or family.

Well let us exclude
my mama
cause she's always said to me
"who could ever love you"?

Most of my life I've tried to fill in the blanks of "who"?
"who could ever love me"

I thought I knew, *
but in recent events plus theses last 15 years
I've notice those who came to say they loved me
showed me different & treated me so ugly!

You've come along during a time where I wasn't expecting,
wanting or needing a relationship.

Your friendship is comforting,
I guess I'm scared, worried of the unknown, all those
"ifs"
and what could be, but I'm afraid, worried-
I already said worried, so worried in fact I've sometimes
put space between us.

I'm so painfully bruised & scarred from inside plus out,
from the age of 6 to now that's 30 years of being  bruised & scarred.

This was pose to be a poem and now it's more like a letter,
You know like "Dear John" or to whom ever,
but the ever only person whose made me make sense of me
seems to be you.

Somehow your in this deeper than I think I am
I'm conflicted, confused,
even though you've yet to do what others have done to me
or what others have put me through.

Think I should say: what I've allowed them to do-
"sometimes"
I've allowed them to do.

I seem to NO- I know I make you pay for what they've done to me,
guess I shall say I've allowed them to do to me knowingly or not...
I'm so disappointed by life & all it's had to offer me,
I've known & at times unbeknown to myself
have taken it out on you,
on others too by staying out their lives...

I apologize, but I'm not sorry,
that to me is something I don't think
I could ever be...

Saying sorry for me means- I'm a sorry person,
flawed-
*YES,
*very much so, becoming a recluse ok
but to be "sorry"    no,
therefore I apologize.

Through  all the ******* and all the mess
you've supported me.

I'm screaming or yelling at you & you've accepted me,
from the nightmares, that wake me & you've heard
my siren crying yelps of despair,
you've held me tightly,
reassuring me it's just a dream that my ex's
along with my childhood/teen molesters plus them ******
can't harm me no more...

You've left the lights on since I'm afraid of the dark
walking me to my room and locking the house up tight,
even at times checking under my bed
see your comforting for me,
at 36 I should be ashamed, yet with you I finally feel free
feel a bit good about me & about you,
says a lot since for a while I've yet to feel ANYTHING!

You've come along during a time where I wasn't expecting,

wanting or needing a relationship.

But now that your
*here" can you please stay?


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

A Nossa senhora de Fátima

Nas estradas da vida, do amor, do silêncio.
Nas pradarias onde se foge ao vento,
Nas histórias de paz, no interior do ser humano.
No mistério e no desengano, no alento.

Movimento acelerado do Deus Crucificado,
Folhas da azinheira a seu lado.
Nossa Senhora do Rosário de Fátima consagrado,
Amor a Portugal e a seu fado.

Sublime com tantas flores,
Mãe de todos os pecadores.
Os rebanhos famintos pastam nos campos de Deus,
E Tu Santa MÃE implora por filhos teus.

Celestial e sempre Virgem eterna sem igual,
Coração belo de Rainha,
És tu Senhora minha,
Minha Mãe e de Portugal.

Victor Marques