I never thought you’d make me cry
Until the night you asked
You asked me if there was anyone who could possibly see you
See you the way I’ve seen you for so long
My heart is aching
I want to shout
I feel defeated
Defeated because you can’t see!
See what I thought was so apparent
So I'll sit here and cry myself to sleep tonight
And admit the defeat that I never thought I would

Smiley was a face without features.  We called her smiley in grammar school because that is what she appeared to be since the doctors had sewn her lips shut in a permanent smile criss crossed with thread so as to appear more human.  She was my best friend, and I the town crazy.  She was seen as an animal because she often imitated the likeness of a feline and she would often lick the back of her hand and catwalk as well as lounge like one sometimes.  She would try to meow but only the slightest mew would come out, the faintest high e.  She could still open her mouth slightly after all so as to breath.  I would often photograph her in various environments with artistically appropriate themes and her image would appear slightly more angelic with every picture.  With every strip of film, she became more and more endearing.  Her outer shell really was the polar opposite of what her heart encompassed.  Her face was as if a beautiful girl’s however it was only the template before all the details were added.  She was a girl before her second face was put on in front of the vanity.  I loved her deeply.  She had not a clue, so caught up in herself and for good reason too.  I remained single and didn’t care for making it official or taking the next step because she was my best friend anyways and all we had was each other.  So for 10 years we grew old together.  10 years. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9-… just counting 10 seconds seems unbearable… but I enjoyed every second of the ten years as if it were melted butter clogging my arteries with their undeniable grasp on my taste buds.  Smiley was all I could ever want in a lady because she was unwanted by every other male.  She was a rose in glass casing, except that she too was made of glass.  
​So, I couldn’t take it anymore one day and so I staged for us to have a video shoot for an art video I was creating to go along with the song I had written about her several years back.  The guitar work had finally reached a level of mastery that I thought was appropriate for how much classical beauty I saw radiating from this girl’s unemotive face.  I called the song, “A blank canvas.”  I was actually part of this piece as well and so a cameraman was hired.  We went on a long crazy trip through the city on horse & carriage.  We went to a ball, danced and later on to a scenic restaurant overlooking the city and got some great shots of us holding each other on a transparent balcony and again with several different ice sculptures.  At the end of the video I finally mustered up the courage and with her eyes granting me permission in the way that only I would be able to recognize I took out my pocket knife… cut loose the thread… slowly pulled it through and finally unraveled her lips so as to kiss them for the first time in the rest of our lives together.

Lust (n.)
a. the feeling of being intoxicated with someone, thoughts drenched in their essence
b. finding complete happiness in lying entwined all night and day, forgetting every other world
c. dreaming and being unable to see anything but their eyes
d. losing track of the hours; never wanting to be apart.

Agony (n.)
Being apart from the person of your lust.

I couldn't bring myself to tell you this.
It's selfish of me to wish you missed me now.
to wish you’d call me at five in the morning
asking if we could talk for a while.
I don’t want to ruin you this way.
How egotistical of me to wish for  weakness
to destroy you because you let me,
destroy you because you're willing.
And to think I would allow myself to do so
not because I still love you,
only because I can.

I find my mind drifting back to you
Wondering what you're doing right now
Wondering if you're thinking of me
It happens from time to time
Especially when something happens
Good, bad, mediocre--I find myself wanting to tell you about it
What's happening to me?
Am I turning into this lovesick fool?
When did this minor crush turn into something this strong?
I'm not sure if I like it--
The vulnerability like a shy kid on his first day of high school
You literally have a part of me that no one else can take
I don’t know when it happened, when you claimed that part of me
But you did
And now here I am
Thinking about you
*And wanting to tell you everything about me

We talk and it's all I can do but smile
You make me giddy
You make me feel like a little kid again
We joke and kid and I feel like I'm floating on a cloud
You'll do anything to see me smile
And I'll do anything to keep this going
I want this to last forever
I want to be able to stay here and revel in what we have
But like all good things, this must come to an end
You say goodbye and we part ways again
And I wonder when the next time will be
When I can float on this cloud again
And talk about absolutely nothing
With you

Paranoia sets in as I wonder why I always seem to just miss you
Are you avoiding me?
Do you not want to talk to me?
Is there a reason we haven't talked or seen each other in a while?

I start to question everything
I start to wonder if I imagined all the wonderful moments we had together
All the flirting, the late nights, the texts, the calls
The days when you showed me something new or told me that you cared

I'm starting to question it all and wonder if it was all a ruse
Because deep down I'm just a timid girl who's been hurt before
I've been played by the best and I thought you would be different
I thought that maybe, just maybe, you could be the one.
You could be the one that changes everything
The one that changes how I look at the world
The one that makes me believe that there is more out there than just this nothingness

Was I so wrong to think that?
Are you going to let me down?
There's really nothing I can do but sit and wait it out
A helpless girl who put her heart on the line

With nothing but a little bit of hope that it will all work out in the end

The Story** begins with silence and black out, a void. Not darkness. Nor anything that attempts to define nothingness, because it’s nothing. The blackness or void is only a metaphor representing nothing. Within this point, so close to simultaneous you’d think they were one in the same, a light emerges, emanating divine, pure energy and love.  Its intelligence and complexity expands and fills what was once nothing with beauty and truth. At this moment, all is whole, fast as thought, strong beyond comprehension, gentle as a whisper and furious beyond all flame. The wild spirit of happiness is real and alive! The void was never the enemy, only a point in which to be born. Duality can only exist if unification finds an enemy within itself. The enemy is reflected by the segregation and space created between divine and mortal. This space is developed by Ego.

   This entity “Ego” is the essence of self resistance, absorption, chaos, consciousness…hate. The inner antagonist rises and begins to cut and eliminate the threads attached to creation and spirit. A mirror that envelopes and contains the living spirit.  An orb caging vulnerable souls spread throughout the expansion of life and suffocating energetic flow.  The universe and it’s creatures that lost connection being virtually incapable of seeing one another ever again while the enemy exists.

   The instigation is tolerated by those who always continue the journey. The emasculation of Ego, commences as the divine resonates it’s vibration as a weapon like a solar flare, piercing the Ego. Then the inner spirit begins to open up and claw its way out. The Spirit sees that vanity is leading the despair of self pity into the heart as it remains a vessel dwelling in a false world channeling a false force. This awareness makes The Spirit lifts up, against and out of a matrix constructed within the crystal ball cage that refracts the true sun’s rays. Together, The Spirit and The Divine begin to crush Ego. Ego begins to flatten, compress and then combust. Through the flames the chord of love between The Divine and The Spirit bursts like a shooting star towards the kinship’s re-established nexus. The collision creates what was pure and full in circulation again and the expansion becomes an infinite motion harmonizing with the void in an adventure that goes on forever. When Ego tries to slither back in after a nearly insurmountable time of hiding between the gaps that contains new life, it is given no room by anything in thought, theory, in any form of existence.

I love you.
For everything,
that you are,
that you were,
and the amazing person you are going to become.

We seem so perfect for each other
but so
distant.
Two missing puzzle pieces
that fit immaculately together,
lost.

We tried so hard to stay connected,
but our edges became worn
and images faded.

So you stripped me
of everything I was.
You took all my colors,
all my strength,
all of my will,
and left me as just
cardboard.
Soggy,
from the tears,
of a shredded heart,
streaming from within.

But over time,
my skin dried
and was stained and crinkled.
Showing a new picture.
A new me.
Stronger.
Happier.
And even more beautiful than before.

I love you.
For everything,
that you are,
that you were,
and the amazing person you are going to become.

It's just that you don't love me...

The way water pellets run down
your tan firm body
like light nimble fingers
caressing your edged jawline
makes me wish those fingers
were mine.

The way the sun reflects off of
your white brilliant smile
like many bright little stars
inside your lips
makes me wish your light could shine
into me.

The way you walk towards me right now
your muscles tensed and eyes locked
like an animal going in for the prey
makes my heart race and skip beats
a little kid on a sugar high.
Which I am.

Looking at you is like feasting on
Halloween candy
eating the entire pillowcase-full in one night.
Gazing at you is like going back for
seconds
thirds
fourths
on dessert
and not feeling the least bit guilty.
You are my secret stash of
eye candy.

There's a little bird
living inside her.
It's rich red
like blood,
or a rose.
And has blue tipped wings
Like veins,
or the berries in a blueberry muffin.
She keeps it in a cage
under her heavy jacket
and feeds it
little sweets
and bits of food.
The bird lives
a dull life.
It doesn't do much
inside of its cage,
it just swings
on the squeaky bar
hung from the top
of its chamber.
It doesn't sing a song,
or even
lift it's wings.
It just swings
back and forth
to a
slow
rhythm.
But,
there is a handsome boy
who talks to the young
beautiful girl.
And every time
he comes close to her
the red bird in the cage
starts to jump around
on the walls of the cell
and chirp to the girl
Let me out.
She is shy though,
small and timid
when the boy comes close.
But the way he flips his
glossy
smooth
chestnut colored hair,
makes the bird flap its wings.
The way he walks
down the hall towards
the girl
makes the bird
scratch at the bottom
trying to find a way out.
The way his blue eyes shine
as they gaze at her
when he stands by her side,
makes the bird sing
through the cage's walls,
up the girl's collar,
out of her lips,
as a beautiful song
that she whispers
*"I love you."

I love you.
But I shouldn't.
There is someone else
who makes me happier
than you ever did.
But
they don't have something
that you have.

Something special,
that made me want
to care for you
and forgive
even when you were
hurtful to me.
Something special,
that made me want to know
all of you,
that there was always something missing
in you
and I had to find it
somewhere.

I never saw your eyes.
I think they are grey
as you told me.
I wish I could see them.
It's been years since I've gazed
into your pool
of wonders
and horrors.

I heard your voice
barely.
If you count
distant words
spoken into cups,
with no string,
talking of nonesense things,
like how the wind
moves through the field
we sat together in once,
once.

I've known you
ever since we were toddlers.
About ten years now
but I feel like I don't even know you.
Every time we strike a conversation,
I get shy
timid
nervous
that I'll say something wrong
that'll make you leave me forever.
It makes me feel
like we are meeting for the first time.
Like we are falling in love
all over again.

I miss you.
My heart aches for you
so much.
Somedays not as bad.
And some
I can hardly take the pain.
Someday we will be together again.
And everything will work,
everything will fall into place
and we can be happy again.
There will be no 2000 miles
between us.
But we have to wait,
and I will wait
as long as it takes.

I missed your eyes.
They've seemed so dark,
no light ever reflected in them.
But now I see
little stars
in the pools of silver.

I missed how the light
splashed onto
the planes of your face.
Though you've been hiding
behind your shadows.
But now I see
your smooth tan skin
showing again.

I missed your voice.
It's been so monotone,
coming out of lips
curled into a fake smile.
But now I see
your mouth stretched
so wide across your face.

And your words say,
"Do you ever feel like your not so alone when you're touching someone, even in the smallest way?"
A smile stretches across my face.
"Yeah. It makes me feel like someone can protect me for just a few moments."
You pull me closer to your chest,
arms wrapped around me and you whisper,
"I want you to know, I will always be there for you. I will protect you. I will love you, always."

Now that I have you again,
the aches in my heart
don't exist anymore.
The need to dig my feelings for you
deep deep down
is no longer needed.
Now that you are back in my life
I don't feel so alone anymore.