things continue to break within me.
the weight of this slowly snaps the supporting structures of my body.

---

a creak
and a small quantity of burning liquid
sloshes over the edge of its fleshy chamber
dripping down the sides of my lungs,
my heart,
leaving streaky yellow marks down the insides of my ribcage.

a crack
and i freeze
suddenly scared to move lest my now unstable stomach container should fall
and my guts topple over themselves
landing spaghetti-like
draped over my womb.

a dull snap - muscles in my face break like aged elastics
they do not spring back quickly
but creep and crinkle slowly away
leaving my lips trembling to support themselves and leaching with them the red from my cheeks.

a slight ******* sound as my retinas detach
but only momentarily: i fling my eyes open in shock and alarm
knocking them back into place.
this sudden movement
however
stretches out my eyelids
and leaves them slack and sluggish.

i am so tired of this constant pressure slowly condemning my body
and now it shows in my eyes.

----

a desperately bound memory of
- greasy hair and welling eyes -
breaks free of its haphazard moorings and wreaks havoc throughout:

falling first past my face
spilling all holds of liquid there
which pour out of my body
gushing free
dripping and messy

it sticks next in my lungs
blocking my sighs
it bounces upon my diaphragm
gaping gasping for air
that i cannot use

it congeals in my bowels
sticking them in their place
preventing their minute movements
those tiny undulations that are the visceral workings

it finally crumbles and filters through my bones and blood
this fine memory powder filling my feet and calves.
it is heavy and densely packed
and i must move ploddingly now.

though dry and breathing and vibrating again
the memory’s toll is seen and heard and felt on my
salty cheeks
wheezing throat
tense body
and slow pace.

the whole pig is but a part of me
as i am but a part of you
i have devoured it and consumed it
completely. you have me.
i have relished in its death
and basked in its life as it
seeped onto parched earth.
i smile while it squeals.
how it sounds so human.
do you hear me squealing?
as my heart is rent in two
and piece by piece is swallowed.
as my soul is ripped from me
and piece by piece is swallowed.
mmmm...little pig tasted so good.
how i enjoyed it.
ribs were so tender and
came easily from the bone.
little pig, little pig, let me come in.
pork chop was pink to the center,
plump and required a knife to sever.
little pig, little pig, let me come in.
sausage, two in number, sliced in twain.
red, and spicy, and oh...so delicious.
you huff and puff
to blow my house down.

You told me I was **** when you touched me
on my chest and stomach,
but I am sure that I wasn’t **** at all.

I have memories of you
cradling me like a lion with his cubs,
except there was nothing paternal
to your touch or words,
and I felt no safety when I was
in your bed.
Not even when you told me not to worry,
not even when I came to you
to escape my nightmares.

You didn’t seem to understand
that you simply led me into new,
scarier ones.

Stomach ticking over,
With what was to come,
Churning and turning,
Past, present and future,
All mixed in dreams.

Worse than I dared to hope,
Where all dreams are dead,
What a sight beheld my eyes,
The vultures had swooped,
On my being they had feasted.

How swiftly the shark swims,
How rapid it swallows its prey,
Nothing but a heap of memories,
I had been ravaged by it all.
Well the fat ***** stood and watched.

Slowly she swelled into the room,
She was shining in the glory of guilt,
I was washed in her apathy,
I looked around for what I had lost,
But was it really ever there?

These pair of jeans don't fit round me,
clenching calves deceitfully,
determined to compress on me,
exhaustively I slice the seams.
Privacy, there is no need,
take my clothes let my skin breathe.
Filled with self integrity,
my freedom is my ******.

DEAR ANNE SEXTON:  05-14-10

Dear Anne:

You were so precocious as a child,
needing to be the center of attention.
Yet you were very, very sick inside.
Such a tragedy when you died.

I look at your beautiful face,
And I wonder what you did not see.
There were not enough accolades
to fill your soul’s empty space.

The ache of loneliness resonates
throughout your expressions;
in your pictures, your poems, your letters.
My heart is breaking, I feel just like you.

You saw yourself as a stranger.
I see you as someone I love.
My feelings, you express so well.
My sorrow is complete, you are now above.

Dear Anne.

Tormented demons forced you blind
to your natural beauty of yourself.
God, I wish I could turn back time.
You left so much behind

I wish I could talk to you.
I wish I could convey
That life is full of pain, yes.
But bearable if one maintains
a true survival instinct.

The wish to leave must be turned aside.
You were alone, a small boat, lost in the sea.
Your attempts to survive were thwarted.
Your mind convinced you otherwise.

I will never forget your struggle,
It resonates within me.
You called yourself “a bag of bones”
Yet you attracted anyone you wanted.

Your flirtatiousness was infectious.
Boys flocked to you as you played
a game of “want me, but don’t need me”…

Your words are torturous and keen.
I miss you. You explained me.
I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me.

But it’s too late.
You never even knew me.
In 1974, you killed yourself.
I was fourteen.

I’ve attempted the same since I was fifteen.
God must have a purpose for me.
Or maybe He likes my suffering,

You succeeded.
Was it guts? Cowardice?
Illness or madness?
What did you see?

Are you at peace now?
Do you now have the peace I crave
to stop my crawling stomach?

The pain is great, almost overwhelming…
Why did you succeed instead of me?
(Dedicated to Anne Sexton, 1928-1974 RIP)

DEAR ANNE FRANK: 05-14-10 ( Part One of Letters To Anne)

Dear Anne:

You were so precocious as a child,
needing to be the center of attention.
Yet you were very, very strong inside.
Such a tragedy when you died.

I look at your beautiful face,
And I wonder what you did not see.
There will never be enough accolades
to calm the pain of  your empty space.

The ache of loneliness resonates
throughout your expressions;
in your pictures, your poems, your letters.
My heart is breaking, I feel just like you.

You saw yourself as a lover of life.
Your words are so full of hope and  love.
My feelings, you express so well.
My sorrow is complete, you are now above.

Dear Anne.

Demented devils forced your demise.
The natural beauty of yourself never dies.
God, I wish I could turn back time.
But you left, still believing the world is kind.

I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could convey
that life is full of pain, yes.
But bearable if one maintains a true heart
and a belief in your God’s reprieve.

The death of your mother, your sister.
Your wish to stay was forced aside.
You were alone, a small boat, lost in the sea.
Your attempts to survive were thwarted.
Your mind convinced you otherwise.

I will never forget your struggle,
It resonates within me.
They turned you into a “bag of bones”.
Yet you attracted anyone you wanted.

Your flirtatiousness was infectious.
Boys flocked to you as you played
a game of “want me, but don’t need me”…

Your words are torturous and keen.
I miss you. You explained me.
I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me.

But it’s too late.
You never even knew me.
You were sixteen when you died.
I wasn’t here, it was 1945.

I’ve attempted to die since I was fifteen.
God must have a purpose for me.
Or maybe He likes my suffering,
My shame is in my last uttering.

You succeeded.
You made it where I want to be.
Do you still believe what you wrote?
“Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.”
Anne Frank

You have always had the peace I crave
to stop my crawling stomach.

The pain is great, almost overwhelming…
How did you succeed? Would you help me?
(Dedicated to Anne Frank, 1929-1945 RIP)

OTHER QUOTES BY ANNE FRANK;

Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!
Anne Frank

italicHow true Daddy's words were when he said: all children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
Anne Frank

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
Anne Frank

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.
Anne Frank

Caught you in your little affair
Eventually this had to happen
I gave away the things you’ve given to me
I’m tryin’- tryin’ to forget you
Not so hard to get you out of my mind
You came to see me one last time
Yet I almost forgot who you already
**** you keep comin' back to torment me

Take off your halo
It don't even glow
no more, i tell you woman
you brought me to an all time low
Take off your halo
don't you know
I'm done with you woman
You've lost that glow

When you changed sides
I knew the sheets has been broken into
Doesn't smell of me at all
And you're trying to give me that
I'm not so innocent look
I'm tryin' tryin' to forget you
Unraveled everything you planned to hide
The planned lies you wrote in your mind
Expected me to be a tool
I felt it was time to find
Someone else new and move on
It was time to forget but I cannot.

I'm tryin'-tryin' to forget you
Take off your halo
I'm tryin'-Tryin' to forget you
It don't shine no more
I'm tryin' trying to forget you
Take off your Halo
I'm tryin' tryin' to forget you
It don't shine no more...

In my own house, smells like you
On the couch, reminds me of you
The spot where we made love, ay
I’m tryin’ – tryin’ to forget you
The memories of you lingers on the edge
In my mind, I once dreamed of us
There’s no end to this pain
Can't you just go away

Take off your Halo
It don't even glow
No more, I tell you woman
You brought me to all time low
Take off your Halo
Don't you know
I'm done with you woman
You've lost that glow

This hardship has to end
The suffering I go through
take off, let me be alone
All this ******* aside with you,
I’m tryin’-tryin’ to forget you
Our last time together wasn't wonderful
But why did you let this come to this end
You had to play me like a fool

I'm tryin' tryin' to forget you..
Take off your halo
I'm tryin'-Tryin' to forget you
It don't shine no more
Take off your Halo
I'm tryin' tryin' to forget you
It don't shine no more...

*****.. I know your Halo.. It don't shine no more...

By Steven Craig 2009

by Damon G

. glum, morose, surly, sulky, crabbed, saturnine, gloomy mean showing a forbidding or disagreeable mood. sullen implies a silent ill humor and a refusal to be sociable
    I'M BECOMING UNWOUND
. glum suggests a silent dispiritedness . morose adds to glum an element of bitterness or misanthropy
    I NEED SOMETHING TO HAPPEN
. surly implies gruffness and sullenness of speech or manner
    A VIOLENT THING, EVEN
. sulky suggests childish resentment expressed in peevish sullenness . crabbed applies to a forbidding morose harshness of manner
   THE CRUSH OF A BREAKDOWN
. saturnine describes a heavy forbidding aspect or suggests a bitter disposition
   A REASON TO WANT TO
. gloomy implies a depression in mood making for seeming sullenness or glumness .
   GET UP AGAIN