It starts out slowly
At first, you don't even notice it
You're busy, you'll do it later
But as more time passes you eat less and less
You begin making excuses
You ate a lot yesterday
You're fine.
One day, you lose "control."
The hunger gets the best of you.
You eat and eat and eat
Soon after, the tears begin pouring down.
And so you'll sneak to the bathroom,
maybe stick your toothbrush or finger,
down your convulsing throat.
You relieve yourself of the pressure, the guilt,
and the contents of your stomach all at once.
But they begin to notice.
You lose an unusual amount of weight and it all comes falling down.
You hear the words... but your ears refuse to hear..
"..nervosa"
"bulimia"
"anorexia"
Bits and pieces.
But you're fine, right?
Ana is your friend.

My whole world
can be described
by my addiction
to you

:)
1. tell all of your problems to a tree; it’s not going to answer back but it will love you

2. stuff your face in a pile of snow

3. get up and dance when there is no music playing

4. stand infront of the mirror with one hand cooly resting on your hip and the other hand pointing at yourself, and then wink at yourself like you’re the most attractive babe out there

5. stop everything you’re doing and speak in gibberish until you laugh

6. paint with your toes to Beethoven

7. roll around on the floor for a few minutes; move furniture around so that you have plenty of space to do so

8. bake someone you are fond of cupcakes and surprise them out of the blue

9. pick a ton of wonderful flowers and hand them out to strangers that pass by

10. when you’re stubborn, stuck, in pride, in pain, in mind, tell whoever your head thinks it concerns these 4 lines in a row and nothing else;
"I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you”
(Hoʻoponopono)

11. buy yourself a yummy ice cream cone

12. go swimming alone and let your body flow and be one with the water

13. write a real old fashioned letter to your mother or father telling them about yourself and that you love them

14. stand outside in the pouring rain until your clothes soak; and make sure you’re barefoot so that gushy mud can get between your toes

15. go to a park with a swing-set and just swing by yourself

16. make yourself a big beautiful breakfast in the morning

17. give your friends meaningful hugs that last a very long time

18. read a passage or two in The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

19. shut off your Netflix and go on a bike ride in the middle of the night

20. hug yourself and kiss your hands and your arms and stroke your hair and tell yourself aloud “I love you; I love me” over and over again

21. breathe deep into your belly like a Buddha instead of shallow into your chest

22. go to another city/province/country/continent on your own for at least a week

23. don’t shy away from holding someone’s hand or kissing them if you think it feels right

24. hold a baby in your arms

25. drink a glass of water

A girl will stand on the edge of the
Brooklyn Bridge at 7pm,
The water will stare back
at her
as the cars will glide past her,
(the rejection of her resume meant nothing
in comparison to the rejection from her lover.)

A man sits in the car in his garage
a capsule in his hand
and a gas leak in the trunk.
(no amount of promotions
which earnt him that car
could keep him afloat
as tax collectors harass his neighbors
for a tax return they are not going to
recieve.)

A woman will stand on a 2ft high
stool,
a rope in her hands
and a letter on the bed.
(the unborn child she caressed with alcohol
poisoning lingers in her mind
as she cannot bear the thought
of telling her husband that she loved whiskey
more than she did him.)

A boy will reside
in his fathers study,
his favourite book rested on the desk
and a gun in his hand.
(it never really was quite the same
after he left.)

i like it when my face
is pressed up against yours
in the most unusual way
like you never kissed me before

i like when your legs cross
i like it when they don’t
i like it when you say you will
and even if you don't

i like it when you whistle
i like it when you hum
i like you when you act smart
or pretend to be dumb.

i like it when you whisper
i like it when you’re loud
i just want to be the one
you want to be around

so smile at me. smile. make my dreams come true.
i’d wish upon 1000 stars and always wish for you.

i like it when you smile
i like it when you laugh
i like when you forget the time
because you make me laugh.

i hate it when you’re quiet
i can’t handle that
you fill the empty spaces
that i never thought i had.

i like it when you touch me
i still like you if you won’t
i’d like it if you’d say you like me
even if you won’t.

I promised myself
That I would change
That this year would be different
But already I’m finding myself
Repeating my same mistakes
Over and over

I promised myself
That I would believe in myself
That I wouldn't give up
But I’m already finding myself
Slipping away

*-h.m

Its pathetic how you flaunt yourself like you've got something to say
Yet when people ask no words come out
Its sad how you act as if the world is yours
Yet when its given to you you dont know what to do
Its foolish how you think you know
Yet you don't
You can turn the brightest dreams into the darkest nightmares
You don't know how pathetic you really are  
But soon you will
They will realize your weakness
They will take and push right back into you stabbing your very life
Be prepared you pathetic human being
Be prepared for what is to come
You consequences will come harder than you may think  
Love while you can
If you can
Take what you want
While its within your grasp
Because it will be soon ripped from you
Get ready
Your ending is coming
Faster than you think
Your crown will be bent and broken
Robe will be burnt to ashes
Your throne will rot
Its
Pathetic how you are you
Without even knowing it

there once was a young girl with green eyes
who wore her soft blond hair
in braided pigtails

at the age of seven,
she watched her older sister
stand in front of the mirror before school
and pinch her stomach with a disgusted face
          neither of them ate breakfast that morning

at the age of nine,
she watched her older brother
make fun of a girl with glasses
for reading on the bus
          she went home and hid all her books in the attic

at the age of twelve,
she watched the older girls at school
with straight hair and short skirts
put makeup on in the bathroom
and discuss how boys would only like you
if you looked perfect, like them
          the next day she arrived with red lips, short shorts, and no braided pigtails

at the age of fourteen,
she watched her father hit her mother for the first time
her mother cried when she saw her standing in the doorway
and told her daddy didn't mean it
          the next year, she told herself that her boyfriend didn't mean it, either

at the age of sixteen,
she was paper thin and empty
with straight blond hair, red lips,
purple flesh, and lifeless green eyes
          while staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror,
          she thought to herself "at least i'm normal."

“I like to pretend that sometimes” I said. He looked at me, in a way as though asking why or how without the desire to physically say the words.
“What I mean is that sometimes I like to pretend you were my first, instead of your older boy summer romance cliche. I don't know why though. Maybe I want to keep a bit of you with me when you leave. I think that when I’m old, or even just in college I’ll tell people how I lost my virginity to my bestfriend and how special it was. Maybe after I tell enough people I’ll even start to believe it too. Not that Michael isn't sumptuous or anything. Maybe its because when I tell people that story I’ll leave them with piece of you, and you’re great.”
He snapped the last of the bowl and kinda just sat there with a weird expression. It wasn't confusion or even melancholy. He seemed upset over something. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” he said.
“It won’t always be.”
I didn't feel sad, or happy, or angry with the silence. It was cold that night and we both kind of just sat there looking at the bright Los Angeles skyline we were so used to. He packed another bowl but I was done smoking for the night. Perhaps he didn't realize I’d been dying to tell that to him for a while. Killing myself thinking about him. Maybe I loved him, then, truth be told, I didn't know. I felt empty. Like I’d just thrown up everything I’d eaten that day. My head was as blank as the smoke coming from his mouth. He slowly put his arm around me and kissed me that way you see in movies. The way your friends sometimes talk about but you don’t really understand until it happens. He then put the **** down and fell on my lap. I quietly ran my fingers through his hair. Then he said, “Did I ever tell you about this fantastic girl whose virginity I took in the schools parking lot?”

Aggressively self-conscious
His excited fingers stumble along the outline of her body,
Bemused in the smoke.
His mind flies as his nerves sing.
Beautiful, behind the smoke;
She’s used to better.
Losing her patience,
Kissing his warm neck with a mouthful of smoke,
A limp wrist and bored finger.
It stings her eyes;
Smoke, suspended and still in the room,
Becoming part of the air.
His smile, awkward and pale;
Sick with her sense of failure.
Dazed by the smoke
She grabs her skirt, tucks in her blouse;
Watching him watch her through the screen of smoke
From his naked mattress.
Her shape is a ghost behind its shield,
He was touching her only moments ago.
She is gone. The door locks.
Sunrise paints his time lost.
In the room, smoke tells of past events.
She is busy living; he won’t call.
This, between him and the smoke, suspended and still in the room,
Smoke that has become part of the air.