kissing you was like swerving into oncoming traffic

i can never tell if i am more haunted by empty picture frames or the ashes of their contents

you taught me that the saying "pick your battles" meant not answering when love was at the door

sometimes when i drink whiskey i swear i can hear your voice in the creases of my bedsheets & i sleep on the floor

i still catch myself running my hands over things you touched the most, looking for the echoes of your fingertips

i practice things i'll never say to you

i remember the day you told me you didn't like poetry, how "everything's already been said" & how "nothing meaningful can be captured without being cliche" you know, i don't miss you like the sun and moon, i do not miss you like tide bent waves crashing on the shoreline, i miss you like a chernobyl  swingset misses children

rumor has it that drowning is a lot like coming home, that drinking bleach can **** the butterflies in your stomach

for your love of cigarettes, i would have been an ashtray

this halloween i want to dress up as the you when you loved yourself and show up on your doorstep

i never understood what you meant when you said i was an instrument, back when you would cup your hands around my chest and breathe through the holes in my heart, i still wonder if the sounds i made remind you of wind chimes

i never paid much attention to abandoned buildings until i became one

in my dreams all the flowers smell like your perfume

i am the only person who has ever wished for the same snowflake to fall twice

if i could go back, and rewrite the definition of audacity, it would be how when we lost the bet of love, you said "we never shook on it"

i love you, if the feeling is not mutual, please pretend this was a poem

the only apology i want from you, is to have you repeat the names of children we will never have in your parents living room until they *****

we are the same person if you find yourself up at 4am dry heaving promises, or if you are kept awake by the laughter of those who've abandoned you

nobody ever told you that goodbyes taste like the back of stamps

sometimes i'm convinced that the only reason we hug, is so you can check my back for exit wounds

If you love someone you tell them
when you love them
you
tell
them
If you love me
tell me
I can't wait
and wait
and wait
and
wait
forever.
So I didn't
and now
I hate myself for it
I hope
I hope
I hope
your heart is just as broken as mine
I hope
you feel broken too.

Well what was I supposed to do?
Fight?
You really think I'm that crazy, that fearless, that brave?
They say there are three kinda of heartbreak.
No.1 When someone is clumsy with your heart and drops it, breaking it into 1000 pieces.
No.2 When you break someones heart. Having to look into their eye and turn them away.
No.3 When your heart breaks everyday by watching the person you love love someone else.
These are all viable theories but I disagree.
We are the breakers of out own hearts.
We are responsible for our own catastrophes,
and thats just it.
Maybe thats why it hurts so bad,
because its my fault.
I do it to myself.
I probably shouldn't be so ******* myself though.
If you're hurting now its because you did it,
you alone.
I won't ever know though.
Maybe thats what really hurts.
The so many "ifs".
The so many questions.
Perhaps I get my sad sop of a life published one day
and by fortune you find yourself reading it.
Perhaps the assumption of your affections for me infuriates you,
or perhaps you weep for loves long lost.
Perhaps in the future in we cross paths again when we're ready.
When we're good and ready.
Or we don't,
and I don't,
and you don't care,
you never cared.
I was right,
its the questions.
Why do you think people enjoy adrenaline rushes so much?
Is it the surge of fear,
impending death,
or the relief that follows?
Why do we keep hurting ourselves?
Because it feels so ****** good when it stops.
Real Nirvana isn't the answering of the questions,
but the decision to stop asking them.
Unfortunately enough every thought is tainted with your ghost.
You follow me around,
your name incessantly whispered behind my back.
So until I reach Nirvana is a lifetime away.
One in which I hope you return into
because I'm afraid I do like you a whole lot and I'm afraid I do not like it one bit.

Last night I kissed a boy with taste of cigarette on his lips
He was drunk and he told me I was beautiful
Last night I had *** with a boy who would come up behind me after and hold me
This morning I woke up a boy with kisses and nuzzles because I wanted him to wake up happy
This morning I was dropped off at my house by a boy who I cant get out of my head
Last night I kissed a boy I've been kissing for 5 weekends straight
and every week I say "what am I doing?!? This must stop now!"
but every friday I kiss him again
and God I wish I didn't,
I wish I didn't want to
but there is nothing else I'd rather be doing when I'm doing it
and mush less when I'm doing anything else.

And as I sit here pondering about my life,
The only thing that arouses over and over is you.
As girls, we crave the touch of tenderness and serenity;
To be looked at with presence and with the gold ness in your eyes.
If we are lucky enough to find it, grasp onto it like a rope,
Because one day you will look back and say, "He was my only hope."