What amount of sugar will render '*****'
palatable

THE I.C.U. SMART BED                                        
In the intensive care unit
I got my first, Smart Bed
Worth sixty thousand dollars
At least that’s what they said

This bed could move
This bed could talk
This bed could sing
This bed could rock

It was so advanced
It dispensed my medications
Displayed all my vitals
And their fluctuations

If I hummed a tune
I don’t know how it guessed
But it would always, somehow
The right song, finesse

This made me apprehensive
To myself express
For even if I sneezed
It would say, “God Bless”

It could measure temperature
And also what you weigh
Give you, a heads up
And the time of day

It could tilt and lift
Had settings to vibrate
And each of those vibrations
It could modulate

If I couldn’t sleep
Or if I tossed and turned
It would start to rock me
This at night I learned

To get into a rhythm
Became the nightly trick
Cause if you weren’t in sync
You would get sea sick

And waking up
Became a rousing charm
First the soft, sweet music
Then that ******* alarm

If I was sad
It read my mood
Then cheered me up
Dispensed snack food

And if by chance
I blew a ****
It printed out
An air flow chart

The mattress was
Just full of air
With all these pockets
Everywhere

If I sat down
It receded
Then puffed back up
As I needed

For with a move
Of any sort
It was right there
To give support

And when I lay
But did not move
It seemed to fill
My every groove

So when I sat
To have my snack
It spread my cheeks
Then filled my crack

But when I had to poo
A hole would open up
Just big enough in size
For my **** to drop

When I was done my movement
It gently washed and dried
Quite the nice experience
I really was surprised

But, my biggest thrill
Was when I had to ***
Oh, what it could do for women
If it so pleasured me

This suction tube extended
And did my prostrate meet
Then, attached right to it
Like a Bovines ****

It ****** out all the *****
Now that was quite a trip
And then it took a pause
Awaiting that last drip

So, I was quite upset
When, they rudely me dispatched
For I was by then, to it
Very much attached

But, before I left that room
I cannot tell a lie
I gave my bed a hug
And it told me “Goodbye”
BOEMS BY JA 273        
Written in hospital 2014

NURSE KRACHET                                                    
I’m scared to speak too loud
So I’ll whisper, just in case
That nasty nurse Miss Krachet
Comes in and shows her face

She’s quite a nasty woman
And looks just like a witch
Her face and nose both posses
This long and gnarly stitch

She walks around limping
Unsupported by a broom
She has this air about her
Must think she’s Heidi Klum

I asked her for my *****
When I once had to ***
She said, get it yourself
You won’t get it from me

But I’m confined to bed, I said
So I can’t go nowhere
She said, ******* old man
And that’s no lie, I swear

When she left, I asked my roomy
To get me that pissy ***
I had waited for so long
I had to **** a lot

I filled it up, right to the top
The next move quite the chore
Since I couldn’t bend or stretch too far
I barely made the floor

As time went by, I forgot
Where that ***, now rested
So when nurse Krachet, walked right in
Her anger, soon was tested

Up to my bed, she sauntered
Thus did not see the spot
Where I had put that silly thing
Until she kicked that ***

It all splashed out, on her foot
The floor, her socks and shoes
And then her face, turned bright red
Which did, just me amuse

I marveled at how nicely
Things sometimes turn out
She got herself, all ****** on
But didn’t even shout

Since then I’m keeping quiet
My mouth closed really tight
I don’t want her to come around
And get into a fight

So I’m holding, everything I have
Remembering what she said
And hoping that her shift will end
Before I **** my bed

My bowels will soon let loose
So I’m praying to high heaven
Now that it’s, six fifty nine
Her shift will end, at seven
BOEMS BY JA 280        
Written in hospital 2014

MEASURING VITALS                                  
They checked my nerves
For too much stress
But only found
A garbled mess

So hooked up wires
To my brain
But no signal
Could attain

Then they wired
Up my chest
But found the signal
Not the best

So to my fingers
And my toes
But no signal
Came from those

The doc got mad
And said at last
Stick them up
His ******* ***

When they did that
It did me irk
But, made their signal
Start to work
BOEMS BY JA 270          
Written in hospital 2014

HOSPITAL IRREGULARITY                                                                                            
While I’m here, in hospital
I have lots of time to think
Trouble is I’m constipated
And only **** and stink                                                                         b

They gave me this emulsion
Which I was told to drink
It made my stomach turn
Took my ******* to the brink

I rushed to make the toilet
That place where doggies drink
As I got there, it exploded
Even got some on my ****

My nurse came running over
She said, you rotten fink
Just before she gagged
And threw up in the sink
BOEMS BY JA 278          
Written in hospital 2014

A MAN CALLED SHAUN                                
Each morning at six thirty
Arrived a man in white
Pushed his cart, through the door
And then, turned on the light

We could hear him coming
Right from the very start
Because, we heard the jingling
From the tubes, stacked in his cart

Each morning that whole week
He’d rouse us from our sleep
So I planned revenge
On that little creep

I said to roommate Warner
Don’t say a single word
Today’s the day that payback
At last will be incurred

“Good morning Ja” he whispers
“Are you by chance awake”
I pretend I’m fast asleep
Not a single move, I make

“Can I take some blood”
He sounds a bit disturbed
So I just lay there quietly
I’m not the one perturbed

He says “O.K.”
“I’ll do Mr. Warner first”
I’m thinking to myself “That’s great”
“Go ahead and do your worst”

I lay in wait
Till he returned
I hadn’t moved
I hadn’t turned

As he came close
I snored a bit
I knew that he
Was in a snit

“It’s me Shaun again”
“Are you awake”
I thought “Of course I’m not”
“Give me a break”

“Give me your arm”
“This won’t take long”
I thought, “O.K.”
I’ll play along

I extend my arm
He grabs my hand
And on my bicep
Ties a band

“Just a little pinch”
“And then, we’re done”
That’s exactly when
I planned my fun

As the needle pierces me
I scream like *******
He’s taken by surprise
He starts to scream as well

He drops the tubes
And his tray
I’m laughing hard
What can I say

“I’m sorry Ja”
“What did I do”
“To cause this pain”
“Did I hurt you”

I laugh so hard
My stomach hurts
Into our room
The head nurse bursts

“What’s going on”
“Is someone hurt”
“Shaun stuck my arm”
I laugh and blurt

“Now look, old man”
“It’s not allowed”
“To on this ward”
“Be so loud”

“Another outburst”
“Of this sort”
“And I will put you”
“On report”

I’m laughing still
And Warner too
Warner can’t stop
He’s turning blue

The nurse gets mad
“This day you’ll rue”
“It’s the ****** ward”
“For the both of you”

Poor Shaun is lost
Still holds my hand
Proceeds to take
That rubber band

Puts all his things
In his tray
Takes his cart
And walks away

Said not a word
And to his bane
We never did
See Shaun again
BOEMS BY JA 287        
True story. Sadly, my roommate Warren didn’t make it. Written in hospital 2014.

ALWAYS BE CAREFUL IN HOSPITAL                                                
They hooked up nitro
To my arm
At first it caused me
No alarm

So I dozed off
And had a nap
When I woke up
I felt like crap

I looked around
But saw no hand
I wracked my brain
To understand

Then asked the nurse
How this could be
She said Dear Sir
I am sorry

But while you slept
A catastrophe
We still don’t know
The full story

But that nitro drip
That we had loaded
Ran down your arm
And then exploded

But you must have
Some lucky charm
You could have lost
Your ******* arm
BOEMS BY JA 279      
Written in hospital 2014

OPERATIONAL EPIPHANY                            
For a time
I was alone
And I was frozen
To the bone

But then an angel
Spread its wings
Gave me warmth
And all my things

The angel said
Just hold on
We’ll find out
What went wrong

So I waited
Patiently
While it hovered
Over me

Then, a blinding light
Came right at me
I could not look
I could not see

But from the light
A voice came forth
Hello, it said
I’m Doctor North

I’ll be your surgeon
On this day
How would you
Like to pay

We take Visa, MasterCard
Cash or American Express
But, if you have neither one
Then…. may God bless
BOEMS BY JA 269        
Written in hospital 2014

I woke up today
to a brand new day
The sun was gone
the moon in its place
They both got bored
and decided to trade
Figured it'd be fun
to do it that way

Before too long
the trade caught on
The East went West
and the West went along
Then they both disappeared
when here traded with gone
Though it all happened slow
because short is now long

Night went to day
and day went to night
Tried to trade back
but day was too dark to find
Decided to stay
when decision changed its mind
Sat back to relax
When it traded with time

The North went South
looking to trade
But who could blame
The South for staying the same
They took it out back
which is now front
Sat down to have dinner
when it traded with lunch

If you ask yes
it was a tradable day
If you haven't already guessed
in quite a tradable way

The soap dish behaves as though
she has cancer
Her openly unfashionable drug habit
has gifted her with eleven other
life threatening illnesses
  
Tobacco has been outlawed
Finally we become a society of progress
  
Disease remains...
fittingly for a diva
  
It was a rough go for a while
but, she's better now
  
Waiting for the day, that they outlaw
high fructose corn syrup