It seems that every time
I get in trouble, it's my mouth
My brain is heading northward
While my mouth is heading south

You know when you say something
And the person's there...behind
That's me...daily
My mouth don't tell my mind

I'm the one who is the punching bag
I can't censor what I say
My mouth moves faster than
My brain, most every day
I tell a girl I want her
While she's holding someone's hand
And then I stand waiting for...
The first punch thrown to land

I never ever get a chance
To ever hit them back
It's over in a second
It's a one punch full attack

My mouth runs on a motor
That my brain just can not stop
I speak and then they hit me
It's ....over quickly...pop

I'm the one who is the punching bag
I can't censor what I say
My mouth moves faster than
My brain, most every day
I tell a girl I want her
While she's holding someone's hand
And then I stand waiting for...
The first punch thrown to land




I'm a punching bag most weekends
I just say what's in my head
I get knocked out so often
I'm surprised that I'm not dead

Most times, I hit on women
They're busy dancing with their guy
I got hit so much last summer
I thought I only had one eye


I'm the one who is the punching bag
I can't censor what I say
My mouth moves faster than
My brain, most every day
I tell a girl I want her
While she's holding someone's hand
And then I stand waiting for...
The first punch thrown to land

My mouth runs on a tangent
My mind is not as fast
I don't spend much cash drinking
My nights just do not last

I always end up battered
Never have a chance to see
The boyfriend or the husband
That went one punch with me

You've read my rant from yesterday
About those Christmas Letters
But one thing just disturbs me
Those Ugly Christmas Sweaters!!!

You know the ones we love to hate
They're  all so scratchy and they itch
You can barely get the **** thing on
And to remove it...it's a *****!!

Pictures of things Christmassy
Like a reindeer all in red
Mine looks like an emaciated cow
with a candelabra on his head

Snowflakes, trees and Norway Spruce
and colours....oh my lord
They can take them back to Norway
and throw them in the fjord!!!

My nan made one for me one year
It was silver with some blue
Turns out she used old brillo pads
Because she liked the soapy hue

They itch and scratch and don't fit right
They are a cancer to my eyes
I had one in green and red
With one sleeve down past my thighs

I thought it was a jumpsuit
The kind the paratroopers wear
The pattern pages stuck together
And that sleeve....went down to there!!!

We all have one hidden away
In a box, 'neath lock and key
In a place so nicely hidden
One we've had since we were three

We never plan to wear one more
We all know that we once  did
but, if we had to wear one out
We're gonna buy one for our kids!!!

If you need to get assistance
go to uglysweaters dot o- r- g
They can help you with your wardrobe
Tell them you heard of them from me.

Ring them bells
Let the people know
That Christ was born today
Ring them bells
Let the people know
That today is Christmas Day

Hook up the horses
Hook up the sleigh
Head off to church
No time to play

God gave his son
As a saviour of man
Believe what you will
or Believe what you can

Ring them bells
Let the people know
That Christ was born today
Ring them bells
Let the people know
That today is Christmas Day

Three Kings did travel
From the east by a star
It was a sign from on high
That led them so far

He was only a baby
And his story is told
With gifts of Frankincense
Myrrh and some gold

Ring them bells
Let the people know
That Christ was born today
Ring them bells
Let the people know
That today is Christmas Day

He didn't live long
Only made thirty three
But his lessons still thrive
Inside you and me

We celebrate Christmas
not the holiday season
For the angels fore told
His life is the reason

Ring them bells
Let the people know
That Christ was born today
Ring them bells
Let the people know
That today is Christmas Day

So, hook up the horses
and hook up the sleigh
Get them bells ringing
Today's Christmas Day

Way back behind the high street
Down a cobbled, old, dark road
Sits a place of awesome wonders
And Christmas presents by the load

It's a little, tiny, Christmas Shoppe
It sits alone, with a small sign
It has sooty, frosted windows
And a door of painted pine

If you don't believe in Christmas
Don't carry Christmas in your heart
You'll never find The Christmas Shoppe
It'd be a waste to even start
To look for Christmas Magic
In a store you will not find
For to see it, you must carry Christmas
In your heart and in your mind

It's a place of magic and of wonder
It's only there one month a year
But, if you aren't a true believer
It's just best if you steer clear

Nick and Holly are the owners
When I say owners, I mean staff
They show up each and every Christmas
And these two know how to laugh

The door will open to believers
It can tell, you may be shocked
It decides for whom to open
For non-believers it stays locked

If you don't believe in Christmas
Don't carry Christmas in your heart
You'll never find The Christmas Shoppe
It'd be a waste to even start
To look for Christmas Magic
In a store you will not find
For to see it, you must carry Christmas
In your heart and in your mind

Once inside, the store is magic
It goes forever and a day
It's full of presents like no others
It's just a place you'd want to stay

Tell Nick and Holly your desire
What Christmas gift and tell them who
You would like to get this present
And they will find it fast for you

A gift for grand dad for his workshop
A special plate for your wife's mum
No request cannot be answered
You get your wish each time you come

If you don't believe in Christmas
Don't carry Christmas in your heart
You'll never find The Christmas Shoppe
It'd be a waste to even start
To look for Christmas Magic
In a store you will not find
For to see it, you must carry Christmas
In your heart and in your mind

The shelves are full of nothing
But, then again, you give your list
Then the shelves are full of wonder
And you see all the things you missed

The store is magic, that is certain
With gifts from many years gone by
It's full of gifts lost over eons
To find them now, you wouldn't try

There's extra men for playing soldiers
Made of lead and painted up
There's extra dice for snakes and ladders
And over there, a barking pup

As long as you are a believer
Nick and Holly, will come on through
They'll find a doll from 1940
They'll find a dress from back then too

If you don't believe in Christmas
Don't carry Christmas in your heart
You'll never find The Christmas Shoppe
It'd be a waste to even start
To look for Christmas Magic
In a store you will not find
For to see it, you must carry Christmas
In your heart and in your mind

It doesn't matter what you ask for
This store is full of what you ask
It knows exactly what you're thinking
It is a portal to the past

The prices, are within your budget
There's nothing here you can not buy
Even things now long forgotten
Nick sets the price, and not too high

The store shows up in every city
It's for believers and that is all
the one's who only think of retail
Well, they can do their shopping at the mall

There's toys and games from floor to ceiling
books and clothes and gadgets too
The store, it changes every minute
The things it has are up to you

Nick and Holly work their magic
Making dreams come true again
The help you find your hearts desires
The magic works on all good men

You must believe to gain your entrance
It's your one and only stop
You can find all you are wanting
At this little Christmas Shoppe

If you don't believe in Christmas
Don't carry Christmas in your heart
You'll never find The Christmas Shoppe
It'd be a waste to even start
To look for Christmas Magic
In a store you will not find
For to see it, you must carry Christmas
In your heart and in your mind

T'was just before Christmas and I went down to the garage
To have my old car looked at by a fellow known as  "Sarge"
He said I need tires and my wipers weren't so hot
My hoses all were leaking and my muffler was shot
The repairs just kept on coming and I saw a sparkle in his eyes
He was counting all my money, he was the devil in disguise
I told him "Thanks, but I would go and get another look"
Before I signed for his repair list and I was on the hook
So I went on to my friend's place to see what he could do
We've been friends for nearly 30 years...since 1982.
His mechanic took it out back and while he had it on the hoist
I saw a woman at the counter, looking rather moist
She said my car is leaking there's  a hole that must be filled
I thought that if Rob had a coffee, it'd most certainly be spilled
A girl came in and she told Rob her boyfriend had loose nuts
And whenever he was driving her, they slid into the ruts
Rob stepped back, grinned a bit as he was looking down her front
And from where I stood behind her I could almost see her
Donation to the Angel tree that was standing in the corner
A door opened, a breeze blew in, and there was no time to warn her
Her skirt blew up, exposing  her tattoo of some sprigs of holly
And Rob came round and covered her just like Sir Walter Raleigh
I'm sorry miss, for I did look when your skirt was lifted
And I must say, you made my night, for my drive shaft has shifted
And then a man came through the door and said "My name is Nick"
"I've problems with my reindeer and I need them seen to quick"
Rob said "we work on cars here sir , I can fix tires or a hose"
"It's nothing major son, I need a bulb for Rudolph's nose"
"It doesn't stay on like it should and the other deer get frantic"
"And I can't risk it going out when I'm over the Atlantic"
"So, if you would replace it now with something nice and bright"
"I'd pay you well for all your time and for aiding in my plight"
Rob stepped up, fixed Rudolph's nose and said "This one's on me"
"And for all work done in my shop you get a guarantee"
We all stood round as Santa left, for we new that  it was him
For he left us each a candy cane in a metal alloy rim
And as we watched him fly away, I'm sure we heard him yell
"There's mistletoe tattooed on her too, but...where I'll never tell!"

I saw two cars come driving up
Quick, hide the beer, the kids are here
I saw two cars come driving up
The driveway into our car port

They've brought the little *** machine
You know the puppy that I mean
I saw two cars come driving up
The driveway into our car port

They've come to drink and lie around
The three of them, and that **** hound
I saw two cars come driving up
The driveway into our car port

Shut the drapes and dim the lights
We'll make them think we're out tonight
I saw two cars come driving up
The driveway into our car port

We'll hide down here down on the floor
They will not see us from the door
I saw two cars come driving up
The driveway into our carport

"Oh, hi kids, why don't you come in"
"Your mother's dropped a safety pin"
I saw two cars come driving up
The driveway into MY CARPORT!!!

Although I tried hard to deceive
I still can't wait for them to leave
I'd love to see them backing up
The driveway out of my carport.

It was Christmas Eve, a Thursday
On the Northern Express Christmas Train
We were on our way north through the wilds
And our  destination was to be old Hornepayne

One hundred and eighty two people
Three kittens, one goat and nine dogs
Were riding up north on the railroad
Oh, I forgot to mention six hogs

There was snow coming in from the waters
Surrounding the bays, both Hudson and James
The engineer was prepared for a whopper
This would not be a time to play games

It was nineteen twenty in the year of our lord
The great war had been done for two years
These people were travelling homeward
To spend Christmas with those they held dear

The storm was gathering force over water
There was no way to safely arrive
They only had one option before them
If he wanted them all to survive

He pulled the train off on a side spur
They were not getting home safe tonight
But, the train, being old wasn't worthy
Of surviving the storm and it's fight

The conductor gathered up  all his courage
And he entered each car in their turn
He said "It looks like we're here for a while"
The storm looked real bad, as they'd learn

Remember it was nineteen twenty
The trains had no heat to keep warm
There was just an old stove and the engine
To keep them alive in the storm

The lines were down, so no message
Could be sent via morse code machine
They were stuck in the Ontario wilds
In a storm worse than they'd ever seen

They prayed and they sang hymns all together
Christmas carols and some all would know
As they sat, and they watched out the window
At the wind whipping, white sheets of snow

It was just after four when it started
Six hours in it was worse
One man, a fellow named Woolner
Said "we're stuck on a CP rail hearse"

The children were kept calm by their mothers
The men were watching as well
They were keeping an eye on the weather
They would not die in this frozen hell

It was just before midnight I reckon
When the storm broke enough to see out
The snow was now done and was over
Of this there was surely no doubt

Christmas Day...it was now after midnight
Some were sleeping while others were not
They had left to go start a fire
This was an idea given plenty of thought

The people awoke and they followed
To the fire to keep warm and still pray
They would make the best of a bad situation
Don't forget it was still Christmas Day

Christmas happens, it doesn't pick a location
It doesn't give a **** where you are
Christmas happens, and it gives a feeling
Of goodness, whether you're close or home is quite far

These people all stuck in the forest
Still a day or so from where they would go
Spent a Christmas with a whole bunch of strangers
some dogs, cats and hogs and a goat

Gifts that were destined for family
Were opened that night by the crowd
And the carols they sang in the forest
Shook the snow, they were singing so loud

The trees were lit up by the fire
Snow was covering branches up high
When they looked up into the dark heavens
And they saw the bright lights in the sky

The rainbow of colours was awesome
It shone brighter than bright in the sky
But one thing stood out in the distance
The one star that shone bright from on high

What was it that brought them together
Made them share this Christmas as one
Was it the storm that was the only reason
Or was there something else there that had come

The word came on out from the engine
The lines of communication were back
They should all get on back to their carriage
And he'd get this train back on track

When they all climbed aboard to get moving
Every seat had a package, all wrapped
No one saw who delivered the presents
As they were all in this outland, and trapped

Was it Santa come through to deliver
Their presents while they all went to pray
It's a question that no one can answer
It's a puzzle that remains to this day

If you ever go north on the railway
And you pass by the park near Hornepayne
Remember the big storm they encountered
And the magic on the Christmas Train

It was December 27th,
Nineteen and fifty one
The day the Christmas  snowball war
Had officially begun
It started in the schoolyard
It was supposed to just be fun
But, by the time the whole thing ended
No one knew just who had won

The grade five class were ready
All lying there in wait
As the kids from home form seven
Approached the schoolyard gate
With a yell the whole thing started
They were served up on a plate
the kids from home form seven
would not forget this date

The air filled with projectiles
Launched from wet gloves by the score
As the victims ran for cover
They were hit by four score more
They were bruised and hurt and battered
As they ran for the school door
Now, the kids from the grade five class
Lay waiting there for more

Two teachers came to stop them
Get them back into the school
but, the kids just launched more snowballs
Using scarves now as a tool
They would catapult their snowballs
which was really, really cool
And the teachers ran for cover
In the safety of the school

They'd built a wall near four feet high
To protect them on both sides
It channeled all who entered
The walls acted as guides
At most their little walkway
Was only eight feet wide
and their victims ran for cover
For the school, a place to hide

It was dark when the attack happened
The form seven kids came back
They'd left the school from the front door
And had now planned their attack
Their first snowball hit it's target
With a loud resounding crack
It was clear that old form seven
Was truly fighting back

The teachers had a huddle
Met inside and chose to fight
They would wait until the battle
Had gone on into night
They would sneak out of the building
With the absence of the light
And attack the grade five children
And show them how to fight

The air was full of snowballs
Bodies, gloves, scarves abound
there were children hitting adults
And there were children on the ground
They'd been at it for six hours
When they heard the alarm bell sound
It was time to get inside for bed
Before the prefects came around

The snowball fight at Wellesley
Public School in fifty one
Is the one that they remember
Out of all of those they've done
In all one hundred people
Were involved in all the fun
For next year they are building
A snowball launching gun!!!

Everyone knows Christmas Cake
but, I have got a hunch
That you've never heard the story
of Mike Fields Christmas Punch

Whenever there's a party
for Christmas or the like
A punch is always needed
And we call...Uncle Mike

It's a family tradition
It's Mike Fields secret brew
Like Mrs. Fogarty's Christmas Cake
This one's a killer too

It was Christmas Eve in London
The house was open to the street
We were celebrating Christmas
Sharing drinks with all we'd meet

The fridge was full of foodstuff
No more room for beer to go
When Mike in all his glory
Said "Let's put it in the snow"

So, laundry baskets gathered
We filled them to the top
It only took an hour
Before we heard them start to pop

Brown snow was in the basket
The beer had all blown to hell
But, Mike was not discouraged
And, it's this that rung a bell

Mike stood inside the kitchen
Looking for a bowl for punch
when he spied one on the counter
That we'd just used for our lunch

"Pat", he said, "don't worry"
"I know exactly what to do"
"I'm going to make an English Punch"
And he created witches brew

Like a mad doctor all frazzled
Mike quickly set about his task
With bottles full of god knows what
And no one sure was gonna ask

A bit of this, a splash of that
Some ***** and some juice
Some ginger ale, an orange twist
All were poured into his sluice

Every bottle he could muster
Were emptied in the bowl
To make a special Christmas Punch
That was Uncle Mike's new goal

Cranberries and almonds
Milk, champagne and then some ice
Some fruit juice and an olive
This would make it all taste nice

The spoon was spinning solo
Foam was pouring out the side
I wasn't sure about it
but, I was coming for the ride

Mike poured it into goblets
Paper cups would not survive
this brew was so ferocious
One drink and you won't drive

To add a little garnish
He put some orange slices in
They were already four days old
In fact, he pulled them from the bin

The room was a disaster
But the punch was a success
It was going to take a fortnight
To clean up all the mess

We drank the punch that Christmas
With the gusto it deserverd
To me it was the finest
Christmas punch that has been served

The recipe does not exist
It will never be the same
And the punch we had that Christmas
Doesn't even have a name

It was Michael Field concoction
That made that night one for the books
With a bowl of steaming, foaming punch
That garnered some strange looks

The next morning at clean up
We went to wash the bowl
And there on our back counter
Was nothing...but a hole

The punch had done a number
Eaten through the fruit and dish
and the smell left by the remnants
Made you think of rotting fish

It ate away the orange
Left the rind, disolved the fruit
Whether the punch was healthy for you
Well, that question was now moot

It was a punch beyond description
It was a punch, I know you'd like
It was served for just one Christmas
By our madman, Uncle Mike!