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Cece Jan 2012
I'm sorry I can't tell you stories,
and play with you on your swing set.
I'm not going to be there
to braid your hair
and boss you around.
                       You would never know.

You won't remember
that time I held you
while you napped.
                       I changed your diaper once,
                       but you won't remember that either.

It scares me
that you might not know
I exist.
                      If you never saw me again,
                      you would never know
I love you.
And I'm here.
Cece Dec 2011
I swore to myself
I would never let anyone break
through those walls again
after you tore them down.

They were crushed,
beaten,
and mangled.
They bricks that held my flimsy heart together
were completely obliterated.

Slowly, I hauled the unrepairable pieces.
I have started using a stronger barrier
where nothing can get through.
Not even someone like you;
Sweet, innocent, and caring.
An unsuspecting visitor.

I recreate a portion of this wall
Sturdy enough, I thought
for now.
Proud of the long way I had come.
It is reasonably hard work
for such an undeserving
*****.

An unpredicted smile,
along with the brushing of a hand
against my face, tucking a loose strand of hair
away behind my ear.
Causes all progress to disappear.

**It will never get easier.
You will never cease to take my breath away.
Cece Sep 2012
I know how this will end.
Brokenhearted, and filled
with guilt.

That
won't stop me, though.

I keep going.
Pushing, and hoping.
Longing for something more.

I haven't felt
anything, in
so
long;
I'm willing to
take the risk
of pain.

I only hope the suffering
doesn't come soon.
Cece Dec 2011
Your conversations consist
of bragging, and
trying to out do your friends.
You want to win.

That's what Christmas
has become.
A season of
who gets the most.

While I sit here in my shoe-box residence.
No Christmas tree.
No presents.
Nothing.

Not by choice,
but by lack of resources.

And you know what?
I'm happy.
This year, I learned
that getting presents
isn't everything.

Giving
Watching
Smiling
Compassion
are the things that keep
Christmas spirit alive.

So while you unwrap your ****,
wondering what you get-
I will silently sit,
smiling through all of it.
Cece Nov 2012
Notice how miserable
you have made me

      and fix it.

I'm starting to forget
how fast my heart beat
when you ran your fingers through my hair
as I held my breath, trying not to cry.
But I know that I was shaking for days
after you left and it was all over.

I keep thinking that you're going to leave her
and everything will go back to the way it was,
but I know that isn't going to happen. Yet
something prevents me from accepting
this crucial detail.

I am terrified that I will never be happy without you.
Happiness begins to fill my body, until I think
about how ******* perfect you are. And once
I tell myself that I can't have that, everything else
is irrelevant. Then nothing will make me truly happy.
Only falsely felt, and for a slight moment
before I think of you.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Cece Apr 2012
Fluffs of conversation
float through the car,
as you slowly
inch your way
towards
my face.
                               Turning away,
                               I realize that's all this was.
                               Merely an attempt
                               of desperation.
      
     Yet again, my apologetic smile
     Denies this boy annually
     just as I did two years prior.

                                                                        I'm sorry.
Cece Jun 2012
You  know, how sometimes

the trees stop shivering
while the earth halts?

That is when my head throbs
at the epiphany
of life.

Instead of withering away
your precious time here
wondering why,

you could be experiencing
it, and breathing in the beauty.
Cece Nov 2013
No one
is who they were
yesterday.

Minuscule adaptations form
with each sunrise
and go unnoticed
until you look back at an old photograph,
or think about something that happened
with an old friend who is now a stranger
that you know nothing about.

You are your own doppelganger.

The girl sitting in the theatre
playing obnoxious games
with her loud, aspiring individualistic friends
seems like a stranger to me.

It is impossible
to pinpoint the moment
when things started to change
and I lost sight of that girl,
and who she wanted to be.

At the least,
I wonder
when everything
started to shift.
What caused the imbalance?

Now I sit alone
in classes I don't care to pursue
with no sense of aspiration
towards anything.

I remember all of the laughter
and the sleepovers, gossiping about
everything.

I remember random details
and insignificant everyday stories
that could take up hours
upon hours
of reiterating.

When a friendship terminates
what are you supposed to do
with all of your old shared secrets?
Where are you supposed to put those memories?

The girl I am right now
doesn't talk to those people anymore
and I can hardly remember
what it felt like
to be in her shoes,

and all I really have
is knowing things
about the people
that they used to be.





*CVT
Cece Nov 2012
You cross my mind
less
and less
e v e r y
day.

                             And maybe I should be grateful
                             to not be constantly reminded
                             of so much pain
                             and sadness

Yet here I sit
with sorrow in my heart,

not because I miss you.
but
I am sitting here
with tears blurring my vision

because we aren't close enough
for me to miss you
anymore.
Cece Nov 2014
I met someone last week.
He makes me smile,
and I hang off of every word
that comes out of his bearded mouth.

He speaks like poetry
and cares about all of the things
I have been too lazy
to discuss these days.

He has depth
which is hard to find
in people around here.
And he forms legitimate thoughts
and challenges my typical,
simple responses -
daring me to elaborate.

But most importantly
when I'm talking to him
you don't haunt my thoughts
nearly as much as you usually do.

I'm going to try to keep him around.
Cece Nov 2012
Remember when you all told us
that we would still be best friends?

You didn't sugar coat it
and tell us that
nothing will change

because I mean
of course some things
were bound to change.

And we knew that.
I was prepared for some change.

But I don't even know
who you are anymore.

Not a single one of you.

And now I know
that nothing will go back
to the way it used to be.

We won't have those perfect nights
of getting us all together
and just

hanging out.

We've grown old and tired
of movie nights
and truth or dare.

We're doing what we said
we would never do.

We're drifting apart.

Us few that are left
can barely hold an interesting
conversation with one another

and yet

we all used to be
more than best friends
because

we were a family.


But just like in typical relationships these days
we've all gotten a divorce
and stopped loving
like we used to.
Cece Jun 2012
Choppy breath
and heavy souled,
my eyes sting
as I blink back the tears.

Vision fades to black,
and sounds are muffled
by the thudding of my heart.

A steady pang of weight
is adjusting upon my chest,
as I twinge at the realization
of future.
Cece Sep 2012
You took interest to me
like a beautiful flower,
waiting for you.

Twinkling at my petals
and the essence of my soul,
you hold me close.

Breathing in
my scent
of adoration.

Why shouldn't
I blossom,
for the only person
that's taken the time
to pick me up
and put me in
such an intricate vase?
Cece Feb 2013
It hasn't even been that long.
I'm already addicted
to the sound of your voice
to the curve of your smile
to the way your tilt your head

before you flash
that million dollar smile.


You are remarkable;

it makes me sick
to my stomach
knowing
that I thought
I liked
other people
before I met you.
Now everything
and everyone
before you
seems so
fake,
and forced.


Now, I don't give a ****
about anything in my past
for the first time in my life.
Because you are the first person
that I have ever met
to make me want to enjoy
the present.



                                                     ­                                                                 ­                              *CVT
Cece Mar 2013
Perched upon my keyboard,
eager and ready to write,
my hands are unwilling
to move.

I can never think of
the right words
to say how perfect you are

without making them sound
like everything I've ever written.

I am ashamed that I have ever even
thought that I cared about
anyone else
in comparison to how I feel
when I see your face.

So I quit writing
Because I have nothing to say.
Not because you've given me nothing to feel
but because you have left me
permanently speechless.
Cece Apr 2012
It's days like this, when
my mind is flooded with every
possible
flicker of thought.

Blinking only wastes
time, as snapshots of my
life, **** by.

                                                                            My retinas are on
                                                                            sensory overload.

                                                                                                                                           My heart hurts with nostalgia.
Cece May 2012
I hate having to pretend
that I don't care.
I have to pretend
it doesn't  bother me
at all.

It's one of the hardest things to do,
you know. To deny how I
really feel.

But what are ya gonna do?

Yeah, I don't know either.
Just give me a minute
to plaster on a smile and
bring out my inner actress
so  I can assume the role of

the supportive friend,
yet again.
Cece Dec 2011
Constant dependency
of everyone, slowly weighs
down on your shoulders.
Do you feel it?

Your once confident,
deep breaths,
become
short
and choppy.
Do you feel it?

Consistent questions
always the same.
Yet the answers are
always changing.
It's hard to know
what to do.
how to respond.
how to react.
Do you feel it?

You are inching
your way to
your breaking point.
You will explode.
You will collapse.
And everything will fall apart.
It is inevitable.
Do you feel it?
                                                                            

  
                                                                                                                                                                                  *I  do.
Cece Jan 2013
Feeling someone painstakingly
nudge space between you
can evoke the most
helpless feeling
there is.

It's monotonous,
and excruciating.

There are no words to reverse
what you can feel
inevitably coming.

All you can do is sit
and engulf yourself in every
second you have left with him,
pleading with your eyes
to make him take his time.

But it always ends.
And when it does,
you hate yourself
for never being

good enough.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Cece Jul 2012
your last sheet of innocence
that you have been wrapped in
your entire life
is gone.

         And now
         all you have left to do
         is try not and regret it,
         while you shiver at the frigid air
         that nips away at your skin.
Cece Nov 2012
I smoke out the pain
and forget about how much it hurts.
let me laugh at nothing
to replace it just the same.

I'll sleep away the sorrow
instead of going out.
then at least I can dream
that I will see you tomorrow.

Starve myself away the urge to text you
so my mind is focused on weight.
maybe if I'm thin
you'll love me too.

I will never be able to hear your name
and not have my heart skip a beat.

The right side of my bed
will always remind me of you.
Cece May 2012
The pit of your stomach
will soon clench
into a metal weight ball,
dragging you
into the dark abyss that is
your future.

Though the selfishness of summer
is waiting to be set upon you,
the responsibilities
are stapled along
with the sunshine.

Crunch time is almost here,
so you better be ready for it.
If you aren't paying attention,
you will be undeniably ******.
Cece Apr 2012
You sit  here and talk down to me
like I am incompetent.
Not even looking into my eyes
is going to make this  rough.
I  am not here for you to tease.

Don't tell me I don't make the cut
of being at your level.
Maybe I'll be polite, if you're full of luck.
Just because I don't believe in the devil
makes you think that you know more
and are more valuable.
Sanity is the only cure
for your close minded wall.

Don't mind me
I have a mind of my own.
I'm free.
Religion was an idea long overthrown.

Fairly soon, happiness is all you will see
which everything you could never be.
Cece Dec 2011
I can't get you off of my mind.
You tread in
uncharted waters.
Ripples begin to flicker
across the surface.
The tide comes in
just a little bit higher
than before.

Who allowed you to
cause a disturbance,
in my pathetic
barren heart?
You were not invited,
nor expected.

You're no good for me.
I wouldn't be of any
assistance to you
either.

I can't help but
be intrigued.
Your very being
compels me to
become interested.

curiosity is all this is.
You're not supposed
to effect me like this.
But I can't help it.
We can't let anyone know
that I care.
It's between you, and me.

publicly, you're just like every
other guy.
Every other guy that never got through.
Cece Aug 2012
getting caught up in a different dimension
can cause a lot of misunderstanding in life
and bring you to a different section
as you browse through,
looking for answers.

going like this? this is where
you know it will happen safely.
its dangerous, it is. but the
opportunity waiting to unleash
is worth the trouble of getting there.

its scary, because its different.
nobody will be prepared
for an accurate estimation what may
or may not occur.

some are saying, 'forever changed'.


My curiosity often overpowers proper judgments
but dont tell
because they cant know.

they dont get the right to know anymore.
Cece May 2013
My excitement
and antsy feet
came to a halt today;
I looked around the halls
that I will soon
no longer rush through.

My annoyance
and jaded mindset
quickly transformed;
a month from now
I will no longer be a part
of the building that flourished
some of my most cherished friendships.

I won't be able
to scoff at the freshmen
shuffling monotonously in front of me
while on my way to class
or be able to be grossed out
by the weird band kids making out
WHILE they are walking (I really don't get that).


It's almost over
and
it doesn't
seem
real.
Cece Jan 2012
.                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                              Inhale
Your eyelids heavily weigh down.
A warm, calming sensation
is passed throughout your entire body.
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                   Exhale
Feel the gravitational pull
on your limbs.
Focus on sensory details;
the scratchiness of the tag on your shirt,
your matted hair.
Feel your toes naturally resting
against one another,
and the warmth of everything around you.
                                                            ­                                                                 ­                            Take a deep breath.
Look around you.
Do you notice yourself smiling?
Well, you should.

You should smile because
you are here.
You are alive and well.
and you are here.
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                    Keep breathing.
This is real.
You, are real.
And this? This is reality.
& If that isn't something to smile about -
then I don't know what is.
                                                             ­                                                                 ­                      

                                         ­                                                                 ­                                          You are so lucky to exist.
Cece Sep 2012
When
all
you hear
are words like

                                your best friend
      car accident
                                                        ­  jaws of death
                      engine fire
                                                            ­                       head on collision
     broken femur
                                   fifty-five miles per hour

you go into
the strangest

state
of mind.


I still can't breath quite right
six hours later.
Cece Apr 2012
Secrets have never really been
something I keep.
Though others are locked
close to my heart, never
are they my own.

                       I never used to understand
why certain individuals
found joy
in secrecy

Sharing every
thought
that runs through my
head
Was fun                                      


Empowerment
Exhilaration
and everything good
fills up my bones.

Finally
I have
this.

A secret only for me.
Cece Jan 2012
Some days
I feel so optimistic
and happy.
Excitement and adoration is bursting
out of my heart
for my friends
for my life,
for everything.

But other days,
like today;
I feel disgusted.
My mouth contorts into a snarl
at the slightest annoyance around me.

                      You're not good enough.
                       You'll never be good enough.


   These are the thoughts that poison my mind.
              I just want it all to stop.
                        Let me be happy.
I'm a crabby patty today. For no apparent reason. Perhaps for the sole fact that it's a monday :|
Cece Dec 2011
Who the **** do you think you are?
You have no right.
None.
You don't know me,
or him, or her.

You are in no place
to tell others what to do.
You don't have the
authority.
You don't have a clue.

You are no better than me,
or him, or her.
Talented, maybe so.
This does not, by any means,
make you a decent human being.
***.

Because I realize this though,
does that put me at fault?
We are in the same boat.
You are a self-centered,
egotistical snob.

I am a judgmental bystander,
doing nothing to prevent it.
I am just as bad as you are.
We are the same.

And knowing that -
I am ashamed.
Cece Aug 2012
A while back
I talked about
crunch time.
and in all honesty
it really wasnt that
long ago
      that I cared.

but I
dont
anymore.  Not
because
its what
I decided
consciously. But
more so
it was just
one of those things
that
                  happened.

the dreaded month
is here.

and nothing
is how
I presumed
it would be.

instead of being
scared
or
sad
or
anything
expected,
normal -
                         i dont care.

I feel empty
and unemotional,

which is
weird
for me.

typically,
feeling

is all that I know how to do.


                 I guess that's gone,
                                               too.
Cece Oct 2012
I had to take this survey
today at school.
And it asked me
how I wanted to
improve myself.

             So,
I've been thinking about that
   all day.

I'm tired of being forgotten
and abandoned;
nobody likes being picked last.

I want to be someones
primary choice.
Their number one.

         I have never experienced that,
                                       ya know?

I hope that some day
there will be someone out there
that is compelled
to experience me.

I want someone to have feelings towards me
like I will always have feelings towards you.
Cece May 2012
This slump is subsiding.
I'm climbing out
slightly subdued.
I think I needed that, though.

My coffee tastes more flavorful
and the trees are coming to life.
The Black Keys echos throughout my room
while I sit cross legged
in my knit sweater, and tattered shorts
as I continuously adjust my glasses.

Inspiration is everywhere.
And I'm able to see it again
now that the thunder roars
and the rain soaks my clothes.
Soggy as it may be,
this is the season of change
and the season of rebirth.
Cece Dec 2011
strolling through the park,
the laughter of children surrounding;
playing, running, making their mark.
a smile forms on thine lips, with vision clouding.

the concept of life, is an utter mess.
push through the pain, and the tears.
childhood was anything but less...
who wouldn't want to relive those years?

betrayal and lies engulf every task;
shifting eyes show anything but kindness.
heartbreak and sorrow are always masked.
society is constantly blinding us.
so be the change in your friends;
otherwise, this **** will never end.
Cece Dec 2011
Time
is slowly creeping along
is being taken away, day after day
is complete, and utter contradictory.

They say time is a gift,
and that's why we call it the "present"
But is it really?
How is putting a measure
on our daily lives,
telling us when we have to stop;
when to start -
A gift at all?

Time is
immeasurably indistinct.
We like to have the power
to think we can do what we want.
As a society
we like to think we are in control
But we're not.
Time is unchangeable.
A moment passed
is a moment lost.

Never: attainable
returned
relived
or redone.

It is the one thing on this earth
that we cannot escape.
Fate is inevitable.

So this time
make it worth while.
Make it something
beaming
cherishable
undeniably enticing.

Because once it has happened
it will never happen again.
Cece Dec 2011
You are the one I wish I could love.
Flirtatious smiles, and laughs
Can never be anything above
the bond of friendship we have.

Others would disapprove in an instant.
Not only that,
But you always seem so distant.
Your feelings change at the drop of a hat.

Glances are caught,
this is anything but new.
Similar feelings? is what I thought.
But it's hard to tell with you.

One minute we're sitting, and laughing.
The next, we do anything to ignore the other.
This whole thing to me is baffling.
You will forever be, my almost lover.
Cece Feb 2012
Lets go get tattoos;
drink to our hearts content.
and then a little more.

               Will you run through the streets with me?
               We can dance with the wind at our faces.

       Teach me how to dive into the water,
       and engulf the refreshing briskness of the evening air.
       Then we can sit on the shore
       with the tide licking our feet.
                              
                             I want to stay out late,
                             and do more than just stargaze.
                        
My veins are suddenly filled with spontaneity.
Come with me, and we'll go make our mark;
how about we do something worth remembering tonight.
Cece Jan 2013
Finally being able to kiss
someone you've been
aching over
for years,

is bliss.


                                                                                                                                    *CVT
Cece Mar 2012
Water is such an odd
sensation.

When you are swimming in it,
being completely engulfed
by its entirety .

The waves crash down over your face
sputtering out it's saltiness once you emerge.
but before you allow yourself another breath,
it crashes down again
and again.

The panic slowly builds up
and tenses every inch of your body
until you feel as though you are made of lead.
Ready to sink and hit the ocean floor.

fighting no longer seems like an option
at this point, its too late.
First- fear, terror, anger
fills you up along with the salt.

Years later, you accept your fate.
Sadness is weighing you down,
and you think about your friends,
and your loved ones.
Who will miss me? I hope they're not mad.          

You hear the sound of the water
splashing around you
sloshing in your ears.
Once a pleasant, calming noise
is now the very sound associated with pain.

Everything feels light, and calm again.
Looking out into the sky, slowly fading black
as you shut your eyes
seeing nothing
but
darkness.
Cece Jan 2012
Sluggishly you frump to school
passing by people
whose faces you'll soon forget.
      They don't matter,
don't waste your time.
            tick tock.

You go to practice
your meeting
rehearsal.
      Whatever it is
you group yourself in
to feel like you belong.
      And for what else?
To look good on a college application
maybe; the motions of it
are the only thing
that matters.
Paying attention, making memories
is not traditional thought process.
How will that look on a transcript?
            tick tock.

You mindlessly drive home
not paying attention
to the miniscule details
of the nature around you.
      It doesn't directly effect you
so you see no point in admiring it.
what's the need?
            tick tock.

You lock yourself in your room
and open the books
that surrounded you
for seven hours already today
and work for two or three more
hours of your precious evening.
      You do it because
that's what is expected of you.
      Monotonous efforts that someday
you will be unable to recall.
            tick tock.

                          When was the last time you have done something
                                  that you will be able to vividly remember
                                                      years from now?

You are
wasting
your
time.
                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                 Go. *Live.
Cece Apr 2012
I can't say
           goodbye.
Seconds,
minutes,
hours,
days,
months, and
years
of friendship
stretch far beyond what the eye
can see.

What was once slowly creeping upon us
is now sprinting full force. That distant future
isn't so far away, anymore.
The sand seems to fall faster with each passing
moment.

Deep down, though, I know the blanket of sadness
will suffocate me. Yet it is something I truly cannot
fathom. You've always been there. Proximity is
everything.

    Whether it be the physicality aspect of it,
    or the warp of emotional back story.

We've always been such a tightly
knitted family. In a few short months though,
it is going to unravel. No matter how hard
we try to stop it. Even if sewn together again,
it will never be the same as the original stitching.

In a few short months
I won't be able to say
   hello
anymore.

                              Goodbye, is the phrase of August.
Cece Oct 2012
Something about you
brought passion to my life
and made me love everything.

I cared
about
everyone.

       But when you left
you took away the sparkle
I had finally found
for the first time
in my life.

                       And I can't get it back
                                             without you.
Cece Dec 2011
Looking back on
those late summer nights
sneaking out with that boy
old friends and
fuzzy memories.

Those were the days.
The days we'll never get back.
Those were the days that
we'll never forget.
Never let go of, at least not completely
anyways.

Something to look back
on, and smile about.
So foolish, we were.
But what is it that we
remember
most?

Is it the excitement
as he kisses you for the first time?
Is it the argument
you had with your best friend?
Your parents?
The car rides home from school?

We'll never know
until we get there.
All we know now
is that one day,
this is what is going
to be reflected on.

Worrying about what
we can do to make it
memorable, will blind sight
you from everything that
is going on right now.

Don't think.
Just do.

These are the days.
Cece Mar 2012
Everything is restored to its respective origin.
A new dawn is coming upon us,
it's so close.

I can taste it.
Cece Sep 2012
I sit
and appear
unphased;

I love
the way
you see
right
through
my act.

          Truthfully,
                      we both know
                                  my heart melts

                                                          when you call me

                                                                        your little duckling.
Cece Aug 2012
wrapping a big comforter around my shoulders
raises the brim of my smile to a curve,
kisses brushing the tip of my nose, dancing glances across the room, that laugh, letting me run my fingers through your boyishly conditioned hair, smelling fresh hot coffee, staying up late enough to watch the sun rise, swimming underwater with goggles, fulfilling true self enjoyment, warm embraces
and life changing conversations.

those are the things that draw me to your internal magnetic soul
and **** me in to this
magical world of essence.
I wrote this while I was high lol.
Cece Nov 2013
When I was six years old
I went trick or treating
with my mom and my neighbor Lexi.
I was a scarecrow
and she was a princess.

At age fourteen
I went trick or treating
with my best friend Mikayla
dressed up as a witches.
We were in middle school
and it was about the time
when we were starting to think
we were getting too old for this.

Age seventeen
I don't even remember what I wore.
But I went to a party
and got drunk
with twenty of my closest friends
and we all walked to McDonald's
at 3 am.

I am less than two months shy
of being nineteen years old
and I'm sitting in my college dorm
about to go to sleep.
I don't really have any friends.
I forget what fun is supposed to be like sometimes.


I miss smiling
at more than just
my boyfriend.





*CVT
Cece Apr 2013
She told me
you ignored her

She told me
you didn't care.

So she found someone
who gave her the attention
she wanted
and when she wanted it.

I told her
things would get better

Instead
she broke your heart
and you came to me.

And that
broke something inside her
beyond all repair.

My efforts
no longer held meaning.
I am now the enemy.

Its us against the world
that she somehow controls.

For me, you are more than enough.

But now that she has
'moved on'
I'm afraid
you'll want her back.

That I will be left falling
for someone
that is catching someone else.

And I will lose everything.



CT
Cece Oct 2012
Everyone thinks
that you guys have
such a
picturesque
relationship.

I once thought so, too.
I admired how perfect
you two were together.

Things changed
when we got together.
How silly of me to hope
though, that we might work.

I at least thought when you told her
that I would have the satisfaction
of her breaking up with you.

But instead,
you resume your roles
of playing
the perfect couple.

And only I know you're faking it.
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