No one
is who they were
yesterday.

Minuscule adaptations form
with each sunrise
and go unnoticed
until you look back at an old photograph,
or think about something that happened
with an old friend who is now a stranger
that you know nothing about.

You are your own doppelganger.

The girl sitting in the theatre
playing obnoxious games
with her loud, aspiring individualistic friends
seems like a stranger to me.

It is impossible
to pinpoint the moment
when things started to change
and I lost sight of that girl,
and who she wanted to be.

At the least,
I wonder
when everything
started to shift.
What caused the imbalance?

Now I sit alone
in classes I don't care to pursue
with no sense of aspiration
towards anything.

I remember all of the laughter
and the sleepovers, gossiping about
everything.

I remember random details
and insignificant everyday stories
that could take up hours
upon hours
of reiterating.

When a friendship terminates
what are you supposed to do
with all of your old shared secrets?
Where are you supposed to put those memories?

The girl I am right now
doesn't talk to those people anymore
and I can hardly remember
what it felt like
to be in her shoes,

and all I really have
is knowing things
about the people
that they used to be.





*CVT

It *****
when the man you're in love with
is obsessed
with a *******
computer game.

It *****
that I just wanted to see him right now
but he'd rather play his game instead.

It *****
because I'm so ******* ******
and continue to act mad
even when I have already
let it go,
to try and prove a point.

You're almost ******* TWENTY YEARS OLD.                                                

It *****
that I care so much

but it ***** even more
than he won't stop.


But
if this is the worst thing
our relationship will have to endure
I think we're doing okay.




*CVT

My excitement
and antsy feet
came to a halt today;
I looked around the halls
that I will soon
no longer rush through.

My annoyance
and jaded mindset
quickly transformed;
a month from now
I will no longer be a part
of the building that flourished
some of my most cherished friendships.

I won't be able
to scoff at the freshmen
shuffling monotonously in front of me
while on my way to class
or be able to be grossed out
by the weird band kids making out
WHILE they are walking (I really don't get that).


It's almost over
and
it doesn't
seem
real.

everything

is a haze

my vision
is blurred

while
everything
moves

excruciatingly
slow.

a week feels like a month

and I dont want to talk to anyone
or even be around people at all.

it hurts to think of you
because waiting
is impossible.

and I feel faint
when I skim across
the thought
that I
can't kiss you
goodnight

I don't want to think
at all;                  
I don't want to exist.

I shut down
while you're away.

I hide
and wait
to become
human again.



CT

I ache for the days when the guilt
builds up inside of you,
and hope
that you tell her the truth.

I hope the things I say
pang your heart
in remembrance
of what we shared together.

I will forever be grateful
that I was able to experience
what it truly feels like
to care.

With the amount of love
I bear for you
comes so much hate.

I wish I was as evil
as some other people I know
so that I would be able to just
tell her
and end it all.

The hope
that some day
we might be together
is the glue that holds me together.

I hoped the time would come
when you would say,
"we need to talk."

I would get nervous
as you sat down next to me.
But instead                              
you would make my heart
skip a beat as you said,
"I broke up with her."

I've been waiting
to hear those words
for so long.                        
We would finally be together
and nothing could stop us.

But you never said that.            
And I don't think you ever will.

I will always pine
to hear those words
be uttered out of your
beautiful mouth,  

no matter what.

Remember when you all told us
that we would still be best friends?

You didn't sugar coat it
and tell us that
nothing will change

because I mean
of course some things
were bound to change.

And we knew that.
I was prepared for some change.

But I don't even know
who you are anymore.

Not a single one of you.

And now I know
that nothing will go back
to the way it used to be.

We won't have those perfect nights
of getting us all together
and just

hanging out.

We've grown old and tired
of movie nights
and truth or dare.

We're doing what we said
we would never do.

We're drifting apart.

Us few that are left
can barely hold an interesting
conversation with one another

and yet

we all used to be
more than best friends
because

we were a family.


But just like in typical relationships these days
we've all gotten a divorce
and stopped loving
like we used to.

Everyone thinks
that you guys have
such a
picturesque
relationship.

I once thought so, too.
I admired how perfect
you two were together.

Things changed
when we got together.
How silly of me to hope
though, that we might work.

I at least thought when you told her
that I would have the satisfaction
of her breaking up with you.

But instead,
you resume your roles
of playing
the perfect couple.

And only I know you're faking it.

I don't want to forget
even though it hurts.

I love that I still remember
every word you said, and the
distinct aroma of your skin.

I think that forgetting
would be even worse.

Trying to move on is weakening me
to the width of a thread. But at least
I remember the curve to your grin.

there will always be a spot    
that I am trying to replace
which should be filled
only by you.
I know its    
silly to keep hope.
but I have to. Otherwise
I will cease to search for someone

as good as you
in the meantime.