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it has always been about controlling myself
i can't just feel without asking whether or not i'm
allowed
to feel something
whenever i'm angry
i don't have the right
if i'm frightened,
i am too weak
my happiness
i am stealing
from someone else
i wish i could pay in advance
at least in blood
can i pay my credit in blood?
oh good
rip open my wallet
and fill the banks
till they are dripping
i don't want to steal from you
i do not want to brutalize my neighbors
please
take my offerings
till i am cold broke
my god
my god
I like lying in the bath,
don't think I'll wash myself yet,
I like lying in it
think I'll think for a little while
and shut my eyes for a bit
mmm,
that's nice
where's my bath pillow?
doesn't matter,
just don't fall asleep again
one of these times
your probably going to
die
just look at the bubbles
the pretty bubbles James
look how nice
not as nice as the feeling of sleeping though
open your eye's James! open your eyes!
I can't help it this feelings too nice.

the bubbles in my bath shatter
and sink beneath me now shards of glass
of green,
and as I try to run the blades of grass cut my feet wide open
pouring my blood
until they are all rusty coloured
and they squeak like old mattress springs
  their delicate towers pushed by the wind
why are you chasing me? I cried,
It doesn't matter
the bath turning into a water slide
sending me down the plug hole
deeper inside

plunged into an abyssful ocean
body sinking down
wrapped up in it's blanket of blissful motion
warmth fades as I reach the place
where the light can not cut through
and blackness in my eyelids where once there was blue
I feel smooth ice slide against my knees
and soon my whole body  slides against it,
deeper and further down
I didn't need breath until I thought of it,
now I'm drowning!
Frantic scrabble slippy sliding
against the ice it's whiteness
stolen from the sky
need to break through
somehow
or I'm going to die
My attempts to climb take me nowhere
I beat my hands against the ice
let me in,
let me in to where there is the warmth of light
and breath to be breathed,
A slight crack,
A satisfying sound
As my fist tries to pound against the ice,
softened blows as they try to cut through the water
another crack
desperation pumps the blood to fuel my fists
as my chances of breath become
shorter and shorter
A break through
plunged down a waterfall
to rest in a still pool
greens and browns and bright colours of a distorted
jungle as I try to make my gaze to see through the silken water
It's softness calms me,
sinking once again
until my struggle turns into a jelly
I can step out of and see my reflection of myself in it
and bright green tree's with the fruits of tangerine coloured
photograph smiles,
making laughing noises
as I bounce my way across the pool,
and before they reach ripeness
My bounces turning into realisation of flight
before their camera flashes go off
and I am blinded,
  and now they look like twinkles
in a lonely oasis
I can see the whole desert from here,
and this is amazing,
I like flying
I can escape everything,
as I go higher
I reach cold clouds
and before I can pass them
I'm shrouded in doubt
and feel myself being pulled
back down to the ground
and I try and jump again,
but it's not as good this time...
I can't bounce in the sand
The heat must mean death soon
large glass beads sweat from the sand dunes
and I become stuck to one and begin to roll
down it's surface
and what was shallow before
turns into a hill,
and then nothing but falling
down
and I wake up
and wonder what I was just dreaming about,
minds ideas inscribed on the wings of butterflies,
already fluttered away into the clouds.
and I realise I fell asleep again
and the waters cold
and I forgot a towel.
 Sep 2013 annie
Lois
cheer up
 Sep 2013 annie
Lois
Hi sweetie
you're reading this right now
because you can't help it
reading a poem with few words but million meanings
you feel completely lost, and you pretend all the time
but remember someday you're going to get out of that place
you're to start over
go to college,
live in an apartment,
stay sober all night
or
watch the stars in the park
or
you'd be reading books all day
You're going to be in a big city where small people talk
you're going to meet new people
possibly fall in love
there you'd find real people,
with big dreams
so now make the most of it
it's okay to feel a little depressed,
a little sad,
a little curious,
a little mad,
a little jealous,
a little worried,
because one day you're going to feel infinite happiness
and no one will take that away from you.
 Sep 2013 annie
R
9/16/13
 Sep 2013 annie
R
im pretty sure i
eat less than
i should.

i dont have time for
breakfast and
the lunch at school is usually
gross.
i eat a lot at dinner but
thats all.
i dont get hungry but
im not trying to get
skinny either.

thats the thing:
im not trying and
yet im achieving

also, i just
dont have the
time.

i doubt i even eat
over 1000 calories anymore.
and considering we do
******* workouts at
school every other day;
im losing weight.

it feels nice to
fit in my
homecoming
dress.
 Sep 2013 annie
R
i wont.
i wont make another
passage in my
skin like i
used to.
i wont allow the
blade to control me
again over someone.
i wont let myself
get to where i
was just a
few months ago
because being who
i was isn't who i
want to be
now.

ive finally started caring
again and even though
it hurts sometimes,
the pain isn't as
bad as it was when
i had nothing left
inside.
 Sep 2013 annie
Ghenwa
Dear darling
 Sep 2013 annie
Ghenwa
be the best version of you
today
and every day

dear darling,
you made me a better me
you make me a better me
i find no lies in your smiles
i find no tears in your eyes
though i wish i could dig inside your soul
deep down inside your heart,
the way you dig deep down
in the dead land of my feelings
where no flower grows to survive
and no human can find home
you built a home deep down
you make the sun shine everyday
because you brought back the light to my day
because you make me smile to this day
words cannot express how thankful i am
not even this poem
you find no wrong in what i say
i find no reason why
you always know what to say
i don't know how
you're everything i am not
we're not opposites
we're not similar
it's different
we're just kids
two kids
we understand when others may not
it's like finding a place you belong
it's like turning the lights on after a long time in the dark
haunted by the thought that it might not last forever
a home is not easy to let go of
i don't want the sun to set
i've been missing it
like the waves miss the shore
like the old man misses his youth.
dear darling,
don't go
please stay
and wait for the sun to rise with me
stay through the stormy nights
be the anchor to my sinking ship
we don't have forever
we have a few decades
even less
and my dear darling,
each second is precious
to show you
that i appreciate you
as you are
as you will be,
the amazing person you will be
to my very dear friend, José. I am so grateful i have you in my life. You came in the storm and changed it to light. You know me so well. You're the solid rock i land on
 Sep 2013 annie
sweetear
Talk
 Sep 2013 annie
sweetear
I'm not interested in small talk
I want to listen to your childhood memories
the day when your father taught you how to ride a bike
when your mother read you a fancy fairy tale before bed
when you were so happy because your parents complimented your drawings
eventhough they were bad
when you sat on your mom's lap in the evening of spring
as waiting for your dad to get home from work
when you blew a candle on your 8th birthday
I want to hear your voice
and see your crinkles on your beautiful eyes
as you laugh uncontrolably like a little kid.
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