Help me find a reason not to give up.
Help me find a reason to actually give a ****.

Don't tell me it gets worse before it gets better, because every time I hit rock bottom I start digging six feet under.

Help me see the light again
Help me see through all my pain

Don't tell me others have it worse because I know that I have no right to be sad but I didn't ask for this curse.

Help me stand up when I get knocked down
Help me support myself when I'm on shaky ground.

Don't tell me my scars mean I've been through hell and survived and that I'm strong enough to carry on, because I believe that I deserve nothing but to die.

Help me learn to love me as I am
Help me not to change my life to fit someone else's plan

I am scarred.
That is who I am.
I'm a F R E A K
         A
  B  I  T C H

WEAK

And I always will be.
Because even if those words fade from my skin
They will never fade from my heart or mind.

All the tines I tried to fix myself by breaking my skin
All the times I tried to repeat myself by tearing my flesh
All the times I tried to get a high by putting myself down
Are etched on my skin

And that is who I am.  

I am scarred.
Not because of what everyone else did,
But because of the way I dealt with it.
That is why I haven't been scarred
I am Scarred.

No one notices, until she tells them.
No one cares until it affects them.

She's falling apart
She's crying
She's begging you
She's on the edge
She's about to give up
She's in too deep
She's drowning in her tears
She's sad
She's getting bad again
She needs you.

But you won't notice until you read this.
And no one will care until it affects them.

Its just something she does. She gets like that.
She will over think and make herself unnecessarily anxious. She might even make herself sick.
She will hate herself and think she is hideous. She might even punish herself for it.
She will freak out and stress herself out so much. She might even work herself to tears.
She will get so bad she can't control when she feels or when she's numb. She might even bring me back.

I freak her out
I make her forget
I control her.
But I'm not real and she knows that.
She just pretends to get a distraction.
I'm not real.
**She's the monster.

"Your mom got ****** and said 'oh ****' there's you for an ugly daughter."
"you're more of a man than anyone could be"
"******* ****"
"I hate you"*

i look at myself in the mirror for one last time.
i recall those words, those insults you used to chime.

walking away from my reflection, while a tear rolls down my cheek
i cannot help but to think of all the times i used to be so weak.

crossing the room as i gather up my strength
to breathe deep my final breath.

reaching my destination
I pick up the gun in anticipation

putting my finger on the trigger and the muzzle to my head
i  try not to think about what it's like to be dead.

i close my eyes, whisper a silent goodbye
as the breath leaves my body and I become lifeless and die.

Changing, turning over a new leaf
Isn't always for the best.

I changed dramatically since I started highschool and have been growing into that new person
Excruciatingly slowly
I've been learning to accept used a I am
Micrometer by micrometer

But then you just swoop in
Take me back to everything I was in grade 8
Naive
Easy to hurt
A push over
Sad
A cutter...

Yes. One person managed to ruin me.
In two days.

And I don't know how to revive myself from this

What happened to that adorable  little girl?
The one with the outrageously curly hair,
That girl who would always be smiling
And never wearing clothes,
That little girl who never spoke for herself,
But always ordered black currant juice or ice cream,
The one who'd follow anyone who smiled at her,
The girl who was as sweet as all the sugar she consumed,
The one who refused to go to school but had water fights instead.
What happened?


What happened to that cute kid,
Who loved her family,
And would always play games,
The one who loved being outside,
And thought that showering wasted too much time because there was so much to do.
That girl that did everything and anything her sister told her to.
The child that played dress up,
Loved pink,
And ran around in dresses.
What happened to that girl that was popular,
Loved by almost everyone ,
The kind child that had loads of friends.
What happened?

What happened?


What happened is that I killed her.
Every time I insulted her
A part of her died.
Every time I compared her to her sister,
Every time I told her she was alone,
Every time I made her feel lonely,
Every time I made her feel unloved,
Every time I told her that no one cares,
Everytime I told her everyone leaves,
Everytime I isolated her,
Everytime I made her feel hopeless,
Everytime I gave her a reason to regret ,the beginning of a new day,
I killed a part of her.
Everytime I cut her
I tore away a piece of her soul.
And when I tried to **** her, I finally murdered that child.

That girl I used to be died the moment I put my thoughts into actions.
She's dead.
And it's my fault.