I didn't even know I was an abuser
I don't deserve to be loved
I wish I would just die
But I guess I'm better off alive

Write me into your reality
However you see fit
This is my reality
I determine it
I am taking what is mine
I already have it

Because
Who has me
But you

I know it's not
Because I know myself
I feel your need
Work on this
Address this
The moment you nolonger need me
Will be the moment you are free
To come to me
In love
Let's build something healthy
Or we can just keep running
I never needed you
I just wanted you
Remember that
When my soul embraces you
I only want to give you love
Support
Not desperation
Not need

I woke to cry
Greiving love I'll never have
Lost in the depths of loneliness
Until I realized
It wasn't lack of love
That had me down
It was my newly tightened braces
Hurting like hell

I awoke from a dream you made for me
Gripping at my thoughts for reality
Everything changed or fallen away
Deep this desire wishing to stray
Still I hold fast to the promises I made
Hiding you close in my mind's shade
Like dominos my life changed
Step by step all rearranged
In ways unimaginable
Because I met you

You count the days since I last messaged you
Waiting for my love to lapse
I count the days since I last messaged you
Like an addict hoping not to relapse

I would say forget it
Forget me
Forget my love
Forget you ever knew me
But you already did.

My intuition says one thing
My heart very much agrees
But my mind tells me
It sees what it sees
You're not someone I please
You're not someone I tease
You're lost on the breeze
I'm lost in the trees
So day after day
I try to break free
From the love and the way
You've captured me
And day after day
My soul brings me back
To your love trap
Where you never seem to be
Cobwebs and memories
Of things we never built
Self protection
Full of guilt
Running and writhing
From this love that abounds
But how can it be
When you don't make a sound

I remember thinking how could he possible smell the same

What if he's a catch I mean he is a catch what if he catches me

I'm not ready to be caught I feel like I'm too close to the hook

I want to take the meat off the hook without getting the hook stuck in my lip

What if it's already there and he just hasn't reeled me in yet

Stop running
Aka pulling my chakras
I'm not chasing you
I will talk about
Or to whomever
I **** well please
You're a twin flame too
You have a right
To your privacy
I won't tell them your name
I can't even feel where you are now
Just leave me alone tonight

Why do I love you?
I don't even know you.
How have you not called me?
I'm irresistible.
How do you bare
Being without me?
I'm the one.
I had a valentine.
But I want you all the time.
Well back to pretending
I don't love some stranger.

Every year on my calendar
I mark this date
Trying to manifest
What felt like fate
Next year I won't
Beacuase I've lost faith
You'll be happy to know
I've forgotten your face
Forgotten the imagination
Of your taste
Lost all desire
To be back in your grace
Next year and moving forward
I'll leave this date blank

It took me four months of spending hours with you four to five days a week to notice you
To love you
But with all these random men
Falling in love with me at first sight
Saying things to me
Not what I said to you but
I keep thinking the way I feel about their words
Was the way you felt about my words
They don't know me they just want to control me
They just want to fill some hole in their lives with a pretty face
Did you think my love for you so shallow
So hollow
As this
Did I bring you the emotions
They bring me
Unseen possession to be won
That's not what you are
That's not how I see you
But I guess it doesn't matter
Because you're not interested
And I am without your mind, body, and attention
And tied to your soul, Chakra bound
Forever
Come to me, open up to me
Is a futile request
I'll never stop hoping for
While I lean against the bolted shut door

Leaves turning
Green to yellow, red, and orange
Pale green with a cold wind's scourge
Trees letting go, trying to teach us
How simple it is to move seasons
Live now and forget all the reasons
But our memories are built
To turn over the past haunting
Again and again as we watch
Leaves blown in the wind
Trying to break chains that bind
As hard as we can
We don't let go

I can only love him from afar
Will it always be like this
Loving people so out of reach
Stuck dating ones easy to resist
Mistook as someone easy to get
Facing anger when *** I reject
Because I want something real
True and long term
Not something fleeting
This court is adjourned

I am Darcy
And I am Elizabeth
And you are a phantom
That never existed

I accept that you hate me
I won't try to make amends anymore
Go ahead and hate me
Until the end of time
I guess from your perspective
I deserve it

I'll give you what you want.
I'll take my love away.
I don't love you anymore.
I don't love you after all.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
Does that make you happy now?

You upset me so much
That I can't go to bed now
Without first
Cleaning the dishes
Instead of waiting until morning
Or I upset me so much
Whatever
Is there a difference?

I came into your world
Then told you to get off my stage
I realize now
That didn't make sense
But you're coming to a stage near me
I've decided no matter how much
It will hurt if you don't see me
Or don't recognize me
I'm going to be there
I'm going to test fate
I'll be the beautiful blond
Sitting next to the beautiful redhead
You can't miss us

I dream of you
But can't see you
I desire for you
But can't be with you
I burn to know you
But won't reach out
You wouldn't reply anyway
Except in your efforts to follow me
The lover, the stalkee, the lover, the muse
There is nothing left for me to lose
Dreaming of the twins we'll never have
With the creeper, oh, how my heart's stabbed!
Don't ever follow me again
Regardless how we may be kin
Stay away from me, don't turn
Regardless how, for you, I burn

Most days I'm fine now
I don't look to see if you unblocked me
I don't watch your media
Haven't for a long time
I don't reread the email
Where you threatened me
Over and over
Trying to not want you
I blocked anyone who is mutual
That judges me
For admitting I have a twin flame
I accept it is what it is
Whether you believe or not
Whether you care or not
But on the days it hurts
I still can't shake
I cant stop the love
Though believe me
I try to forget
I try to erase
I have moved on
I have given up
And then someone posts
Something you've posted
You can't wait to meet them
But you'd never meet me
Because you deem me unworthy
When I'm actually more worthy
Than anyone else
And so I pick up the pieces
Of my rejected heart
All I wish
On the days I still miss you
Is that I didn't

You start shining like the sun
Gold light across my horizon
Then you swell like the ocean
Teal waves crashing over me
And you end like the night
Your darkness blinds my sight

Honestly
Babe
That was the strangest experience
Of my entire life
Talk to me about it
Please

What is this love
That you are not
Interested in having me
In your life
That you tell me never contact again
Yet your soul
Holds me every day
Comforts me
I try to deny it
A dream a fantasy
I try to block you out
But you just hold me tighter
I try to be more present
But You show up stronger
You are an apparition of love
That surrounds me

Give time to the bridge
Before this bliss
As someone that believes in color
Yesterday knows the truth
In your eyes

I spent a long time
Seeing your goodness
I spent a long time
Blinded by your soul
But your ego
Is stronger
Meaner
Crueler
Excuseless
Judgemental
Blameful
Point the finger at me this lifetime
I hope to never see you again
The love I feel is magical
The hate you embody is avoidable
Stand in your dark corners
In your dark rooms
In your bitterness
Slam doors
Block accounts
Spew b.s. threats
And still
I go on shining
Brighter
Because I
Am worthy
Lovable
Magical
Sparkly
The one you'll never know
Got away

I know it's been too late
For a year and a month
But can I please change my answer to
I want to make you love me
Because you could never hate me

Just because
You are still my muse
Just because
My heart soul and intuition
Still wronglyfuly choose you
Doesnt mean
You get any more time
Than what is needed
To express myself
Through my arts
And certainly doesn't
Warrent your false beliefs
That I stalk you
When I don't
Have you ever been stalked?
Because I have
And writing poems
Without using your name
Anonymously
On some site somewhere
Singing songs
On my instagram
Writing tweets
About my journey
All with you unnamed
To express my
Unrequited love through art
Doesnt fit the bill
Of a stalker
Honey

See that chasm?
Let's jump in.
There is love down there.

I'm just going to write
As if I were there
My readers will think
I've found love
I haven't
But I can dream love
Fantasize it's possible
There is no other way
I've tried letting you go
For a year
I've tried erasing you
Ive tried manifesting you
Now I'm just going to write you
As my fiction
Until someday someone
Is my truth

Let's not stand in each other's way
Let's unite when we
Can bond together in strength
To help eachother reach our goals
If we can't do that
Keep the partition on the stage
And be my costar
Out of sight
Out of mind
Yet chained at the heart

You wanted to have me arrested
Because I have anxiety
Because you led me on
By letting things escalate
Because you loved the attention
And you love the drama
And you love having power
Over other's emotions
You love controlling
Someone's mood
With your block button
And your silence
Mixed with gaslighting
Just enough attention
To keep them holding on
Just enough abuse
To convince them
It is all their fault
Love turns to hate
And I hate you
F you and your manipulatiom
How dare you threaten me
You know what you did
I am too good for you
And you know that too

I wanted to push you away
Because you are the one for me
And I was more successful
At pushing you away
Than I've ever been at
Pushing anyone away ever
So can I please forget you now
I cant reject an opportunity
And pine for it
Simultaneously
That makes no sense
But I did just that
Or maybe you'll forgive me
And start fresh
But honestly
I don't believe grand gestures
Are ever kind, only cruel
And I'll never have a chance
To be who I truly am
With you
Again

Tonight the stage was mine
The audience was mine
The cameras were mine
And I shone
I found myself grateful
The pandemic is being ignored

You broke my heart wide open
Now it's just broken

All the love I had
That smothered you
Was probably just projection
Of how much I love me
Anyway

I miss you
I want nothing more
Than to be in your arms
But I won't tell you
Because of self respect
Or valuing myself
Or some bullshite like that

I want an electric Ford Mustang
I want you
I think I'll sing you Barely Breathing by Dustin Sheik
A Mustang drives past me
The license plate reads PV SHOW
My heart Quakes in pain
My soul laughs
You're already mine
I'll have you a gain
My brain twists
Birds before land
I can't quit
I'm your destined plan

You're not a nice person
You never gave a **** about me
You have anger issues
You have no sense of humor
You are a vegan
You probably smell like mothballs
You probably aren't good in bed
Because you are cold and callous
You are exploitative
You are a gaslighter, too
You can't stand up for yourself
Until you are explosive
You probably have too large of a bleep anyway
You are not the one
I swear it, being my twin flame aside
You are not the one.

From the kegle joke that was the first time you ignored me
To the message telling you off for instagrams random notification attached to a message I unsent you
I regret every message I ever sent you
On Twitter, email, or instagram
Except the last three emails
I don't regret those three.
I'm sorry that when someone isn't interested in me
I have to make sure they never will be
I'm sorry for the damage I caused you
And caused my own heart
I meant the last three emails
I meant every word after I finally got my way
And I regret wanting my way
Because all I really wanted but knew I could never have
Was you
And for some reason I felt you loved me
But I see that could never be true
Because everything I wanted to offer you
I couldn't
And I didn't

I don't hide anymore.
Still waiting to see you at my door.
Still looking out my shade.
Still holding close my blade.
Gold, green, brown, and sage.
The colors of your rage.
The colors of my kitchen countertop.
Still I can't believe you'd stop.
I heard that motorcycle-
I heard it.

Suzie, Suzie, Suzie
She stole my man
Even though she had him
Years before I knew he existed
Give it up
I am the one for him
Give her up
I am the one for you

I'm anxious as f
Did I throw myself at you
I hope not
Please ask me for a date
I like your hair
I'll get used to your name
Even though right now
It is a ridiculous name
I'm sure you've heard every worn out joke
That could be written with it
I'm so glad
You are young enough for me
My hand felt so nice in yours
I am not sure if we have dance chemistry
I thought so
But my nerves were strong tonight
I have nothing more to say about it
Yay I like someone
Ask me out

When you meet the greatest love of your life
You'll find you can't run anymore
There will be no where to run
Because that love is inside of you
I'm going to rest my feet
And breath deep
Now

Pulsing moments.
Repressed attraction.
Years and years of
The sweetest tension.
Welcome back,
I couldn't mention...
I searched in vain.
You were standing here
All along.
I've been a fool.
I've been blind.
My love is yours
And yours is mine.

Onyx eyes
Granite hair
Agate skin
Amethyst heart
Labradorite soul
Moonstone energy
Ruby mind
Citrine intentions
---
Opal eyes
Golden hair
Rose quartz lips
Rhyolite heart
Sapphire soul
Jasper energy
Emerald mind
Citrine intentions

August 8, 2023
Something clicked
And the floodgates opened
There is one manifestation
I never want
Because
I don't want to change a thing for you
I don't want your life to change for me
Stay where you are
What happens in my dreams
Is my only secret
And I will take it to my grave

I've seen things
You'd never tell
And I accept you
And I'm down
I like these things
Coming from you
Words I cannot say
Not in public
And not to you
Things you want to do