Is it the playful chase
The innocent discovery
The carefree connectivity
Of our youth

Is it the outlined criteria
Designed and designated
Set by our dreams and goals
Set in stone to crumble

Is it that freeing moment
When we just knew
When I stood by his side
Through to death

Is it the messy memories
Of a drunken misfits dream
Leading us through the desert
To another bar of separation

Is it the calm convenience
The perfect formula for peace
The support we always craved
Which lacks desire

Or is it the wolf
That shattered all my illusions
Fostered my delusions
Shook me from my place of love

Cracked my DNA
Birthed my fear
Killed my nostalgia
Fueled my obsession

I don't know what love is after all

All night long
We were together
In my dreams
Such a splendor
If we came together
In real life
Would I dream about you
Every night?

When I wrote
Heart catching up with reality
I wasn't saying I don't love you anymore
I will always love you
I was saying
I accept if you don't
Love me
Want me
Choose me
I was accepting things as they are
And being free of the chains
The burdens
Of my longing of love from you
I can never stop loving you
I will love you until the day I die
That doesn't have to be a ball and chain

YouTube saves all the recordings
Not sure if the other streaming services
Do the same
But if you come at me
I never cyber stalked you
I asked you to block me multiple times
And you didn't
You did answer my messages:
In the livestreams
And those recordings could be used
In court
Remember
Everything you ever said to me
Every comment that was a direct throwback
To one of my messages
Every time you went out of your way
To read my comments aloud
Because I will use that all against you
If you try to put a false case against me
Because I truly was never your stalker
And you can't pretend you never interacted with me
When you know **** well you did
We aren't strangers
You can't hide what's been recorded
And I will protect myself from you

How can I love someone I don't even know
As if I dated him for years
As if all of my fantasies took place
As if I actually touched every line on his face
As if he ever gave love that could not be replaced

I'll tell the world you were my false twin flame
Let that entire journey slip away into the past
You know the truth
Don't you
You're still my muse
I still will write
I still will sing
Inspired by you
How could I help it
But it will be
Our secret
I'll never reach out
Again

I really can't manifest you, can I
I guess at some point I should stop trying
I always get what I want
She said delusionally
Staring at an image of Barbados
Pretending she was there
Instead of here
In a river of tears
Dried
From the long standing drought
In doubt

Maybe I should start drinking again
So I will be attracted enough to people
To settle with someone
Anyone
So I won't be alone for the holidaze
But I don't feel like throwing up
Or begging for my needs to be met
So instead
I will stay sober
And wait until
I am no longer lonely
In just a few minutes

You pulled
And I broke
Just for a few seconds
Just long enough
To see your beautiful face
Hear your beautiful voice
Then I left
I wonder if you saw my name
On that list

I need you.
You make me smile when no one else can.
But I don't believe in needing people.
So
Don't tell anyone.
Especially not me.

I've never written so many poems in my life
Not for anyone
Not for any reason
Not for any strife
But when you hit my heart it struck like a knife
And the words never stop pouring out
Flooding the night

Merry Christmas, twin flame.
I hope you are not lonely.
I hope you spend the holiday with friends.
I hope you are warm and feeling well.
I hope you are happy and feeling whole.
I don't know you yet I miss you.
I wish you were spending Xmas with me.
I'm not allowed to but I love you.
I'm yours, or rather,
I'm mine.
As I spend my holiday alone,
Because I don't want to spend it with
Anyone else but you.

You were looking for a perfect love
That never makes mistakes
I was looking for you
We both ended up where we started
Alone

When I told you
I love you
Unconditionally
I meant it
When I met you
I knew you
Were kindred to me
And when I
Began to love you
I just knew
And I know
And that is okay
I hope you'll come forward someday
Against all the odds
Against all your actions
That push me away
Cuz I'm done running.

My love was not wasted on you
But it would have been better spent
Being showered on myself

All you've done
The past year
Is prove to me
You are completely unlovable
And I love you anyway

I'm sorry I broke your heart
I only wanted to uphold it
In grace and love
But I'm human
Rather
I'm wearing a human costume

Shatter my personal truth
Smother my intuition with a pillow
Forcefully forget how for you
I bend just like a willow
Because you asked me to
I'll do anything you want me to
Forget every single inch of you
Deny our love was ever true
Pretend we are strangers like you do
Pretend seperation never left us blue

Your apology was expected
Because I told myself to expect it
But I was so surprised
When you called
When it wasn't spam
It was finally ......
And the words spilled from your lips
"I've had enough time
I'm not angry anymore
I reread your email I last replied to
I also read the last email you sent
I recognize you were trying to have empathy for how I felt
I have thought a lot about everything that happened and
I have empathy for your perspective
I forgive you.
I also apologize for taking things out of proportion
When I couldn't see your perspective
Or understand you were taken
By your anxiety
After having time I realized
You really tried to make amends
And you weren't a threat
I'm sorry I treated you cruelly
Do you want a clean slate?
Let's start over from here."
And I accept
And I am grateful
And I will spend every day
For the rest of my life
Working to not make the same mistakes
Again
Because in this friction
I am the one

Friends for twenty years and I was too daft to see.

This guy speaks my love language.

I'm never gonna let him go.

Now that I have finally accepted
You are the one that got away
And I am ready
To find someone new
I just wish
I could still see you
As a beautiful human
As a light onto the world
But I don't
I guess now
I see you how you see me
Irredeemable

In 5D you once told me
My resistance is your resistance
Well your walls are my walls
Love bounces back from them
Stays with me
Futile to love you
Futile to believe in you
All hope disintegrated
All belief dismissed
All love I feel for you
Is only mine now
You are what you want to be
Nothing to me

I guess you're just a muse to me now
I'm just Amusement to you anyhow
Actually you were always just a muse
The love I feel is there to confuse
You never felt it, that's old news
Regardless how my heart you infuse

"If I call you manipulative does that make you manipulative"
"Why haven't you answered me today are you safe"
"Can we be friends"
I don't know you
I don't want to know you
Any of you
You're all a joke to me
Just when I feel strong
Just when I don't want G
They come in droves
And I want what I cant have
Because it doesn't want me
Keeps its games to itself
Doesn't say stupid things
Usually
Well doesn't say anything at all
Its a ghost
But the rest of you
Thank God I work with men
So I don't become
Completely jaded
By the idiocy of the droves
No, calling me manipulative
Doesnt make me manipulate you
Calling me beautiful
Doesn't turn me on to you
Asking for daily interactions
Doesn't attach me to strangers
Call me disorganized
Call me avoidant
Call me anxious if you are G
Call me secure
Call me annoyed
To have met you

I tell myself I am done with you
I will force myself over you
Force myself to forget
But when I see a shooting star
I cast one more wish

Spill out accross the ether
Like diamonds strewn accross the sky
Two days and three years here
Chasing dreams crossed with lies
Are they lies
Or do they just lie
Sleeping in the starry dust
Of comets sent to only rust
In a vacumnous place
An interspace
Within a black hole
Where I am whole
I just love and long
To heal everyone

If I could meet you where you are
I'd be there
But I can't
Because I have to meet me where I am

I wish I could look into your eyes again
I really like you so much
But I don't like your friend zone
Goodbye

Because of you
I am more mindful
I am more self soothing
I am more empathtic
I am more patient
I am more kind
I am more understanding
You forced me
To take my good parts
And enhance them
To illuminate my bad parts
And fix them
Or at least continue to try
As caring is a lifestyle
Communication is a practise
And you're the most positive loss
I ever could have had
Thank you

I can't always be grateful to you
but sometimes I am grateful
for all the disdain you hold for me
because that is what motivated me
to Surf and to do stand-up
and I love both
just to push you off my stage
co-star

The sun rose red and then orange
The temperature stayed low
Lower then it has been
Will it still cross 100 degrees?
Smoke hazed the air brown
The dry red dust joined the ash
Dancing and twirling on the low winds
In twisters broken by the road cut
Underground rodents in burrows
Rushed through the maze
Flighting for their lives
As water trucks spread droplets
That quickly evaporate
We are not sustainable

A year ago today
You took a piece of me
A piece of my heart
A piece of my soul
A lock of my hair
A strand of my energy
And I can't get the pieces back
I can't cut the cords
I don't even know you anymore
You're just some stranger
That I adore

I'm pretty sure a year ago today
Was the first time I
Met you in a livestream
I didn't love you until Nov 24th
Those first four months
Were platonically perfect
I loved spending hours
4 to 5 nights a week
With you
You running long in those days
Staying longer and later with us
With me
You never disappointed me
Or if you did
You are forgiven for all
I love you unconditionally
And I forgive myself for all
Everything I said that upset you
Once I came to love you
I know we may never
Have that bliss in 3D again
That sense of comfort
Of coming home
But I won't forget
And I relive, spiritually, energetically
Those moments with you
Feel you when you pull me
Miss you when you miss me
We are one
Happy anniversary 🎉

Enjoy your loneliness
And I will enjoy mine
While we never let the words slip
Of what could have been
From our minds
You dream like me
We are lost in time
I don't know why
You didn't come
You must feel as hollow
As a drum

Haunted
By my inability
To know intuition
From imagination
I love you..
Too?
See you later

I would like to believe
That my love is turning to dust
Caught in the leaves of the trees
Where you don't see me
It's starting to feel true
What will I sing
What will I write
If I come to feel nothing
For you

My old boss and mentor
Shared a song
It reminded him of me
An Irish tune, The Tinker's Coin
Of a traveler passing through
And it pulled my heartstrings
My thoughts went to you
My love you were to me
And I was to you
Only a traveler passing through
But you took my heart
And I took your name
Like the coin she gave
It was my unwilling gift to you
So I walk without it
To my grave
A traveler passing through

When he pulls me
There is no where to go
No where to meet him
But I still like it

Like a whirlwind
You pulled my emotions
Into the air
But they dropped
Leaving only the debris
Of lost potential

I don't want to give it to him
I don't want the four of them to keep talking to me
Because they are not you
I'm not going to meet people anymore
Because they are not you
But I'm not waiting for you
I'm just not interested in anyone else
Except you
And myself

My hope
And my perseverance
Have always brought me
Everything I wanted
Made every dream come true
But when it comes to loving you
They lead me, alone
Down a dusty
Dead end road
Called heartbreak
Again and again
On a loop
Like a carnival ride
In Carsen City
Please let me
Off the ride
Turn from the road
Let go of hope
Because we do not persevere
Together
We are only apart
Me with my love for you
And you with no memory of me
In your heart

I've never written this many poems
For anyone
I've never waited on unrequited love
Not since middle school
Before love was even real
How can it be I feel
So much for someone
So out of touch
Who with me communication was snuffed
I know how you felt
I saw it
I read you like a book
You can't lie to me
But I don't know how you feel
Because I don't steal
Looks at you
From around the corner
Of our atrocities
To each other

When other women
Find the one
They are correct
But now that I found the one
I am wrong?

I was raised on self-hatred
Easily narc baited
So forget finding love
I don't deserve love
I don't deserve a partner
Try only for disaster
I don't deserve a child
Independence too wild
I deserve to rot alone
In my beautiful home
My entire **** life
Just another lonely night
I'm not going to the livestream
I'm killing this fake dream
I am just an idiot
I need to move on and get with it

I am no one's obligation.
You think that is love?
You think that is support?
You think it makes me
Feel warm and f'ing fuzzy
To hear you feel obligated
To love me?
Obligated.
I will punch you in the face.
Stay out of my life.
Forever.

They are petty
You say
They are childish
You imply
You don't waver
You claim
And all I see
Is your cracked mirror
Reflecting your truth
Back to me
You are petty
You are childish
You waver
You crumble
Like the man
In the radio head song
And still
I love you
Which you see
As unacceptable
Disgusting
Deplorable
Goodbye

How long must I go on
Feeling unrequited love
Feeling guilty for loving you
If I can't stop loving you
I hope I die
Now

I love you so deeply
But you won't accept it
You won't have it
So I shower it upon myself
What a tragedy
For you

Yes I over text
Yes I contact too much
Ok so I am annoying a f
A harraser
But I am never threatening
I would never hurt anyone
I only have good intentions for everyone
I only want everyone clothed, housed, fed
Happy, joyful, free, and fulfilled
So I have anxious attachment of over texting
Compulsive emailing
But I am not jealous or vindictive
I guess my behaivor is naturally controlling
But I try not to be
I try to be accepting and supportive
I am tired of feeling guilty
For being me

Triggered
Self-blame and self-hatred
Now I am even farther behind
Then I was at step one
I'm destroyed
My ugliness is back
To consume me
To rip my soul to shreds
In all my disgusting
Lack of grace
I can't overcome this
I am too ugly
I am walking away
From the twin flame journey
But at least the troll who ruined me and I made up

Celebration of all or nothing.
An impending sense of heartache and freedom,
Aloneness, peace and joy.
Unconditional love that can't be broken nor triggered.
And the breaking of chains of burden.
We are free of each other.
Me free of you, you free of me
Though we are bound
By the same soul frequency
By our energy, but not bound
By our physicality
I pray for your forgiveness
And relish in my own
Thank you.
I love you.
Love is mine to bear.
Take care.