What am I seeking
You don't have it

I finally broke the habit
And let you go
Nearly two months after
When I got a new job
Happy for the first time
In years
You find me on tiktok
Just to block me
We never
Interacted on tiktok
Well I found you
Everywhere that is left
To block you
So you can never hurt me again
Because your move
Sent me spiraling back down
Why would you take
My happiness like that
When I finally succeeded
At giving you what you want
Leaving you alone
There are no avenues left
You can never hurt me again
I love you
Take care
Good bye
For good

Today the sky looks vibrant
From both sides of my house
The red clouds in the sky
Calling the birds out
The moon still high
To meet the sun halfway
Glorious reds and oranges
Chasing the moon away
So I rise up from my bed
To start the greatest day

Coworker: "How are you?"
(Internal monolog: I blocked my twin flame on all social medias so I wouldn't look at his pages.
So I honor his desire for privacy away from me.
I'm sad. I want him to call me.
I see no reason he ever will.
If he is me he'd call me.
He couldn't stay away.
He stays away.
My heart is being shredded into a million pieces...)
My response with a big smile: "I'm good."

I have an easy and effortless healthy love
We are happily married and happily employed
Everyday in everyway we are getting closer together
He loves being married to me

Proposing on one knee
Pulling back the wedding veil
Standing looking through the large windows out over the ocean
Our cars in the driveway
Sitting together on a plane
Walking a red carpet
Surfing, dancing, snuggling
Sitting at the table working through conflict maturely

All chords cut
When songs remind me of you
Some dream potential
Of what we'll never do
Some wistful wish
For a love burning true
Memories of bliss and let downs
Leaving us both blue
💙

Was your recognition
Because I've been through hell
Being you
Being me
But now
F it, babe
Don't ever wake up
Don't ever recognize me
Sleepwalk your whole life
I can finish this integration
Force myself to let you go
Forever
I'll do my best
My damndest
Not to give you any more chances

My life has been full of self growth
Where has it gotten me
Backsliding
With the one I love
Success only
In individual endeavors
I was raised
Not to love
Not to be loved
So I stand
In my successes
Alone

Just before bed I give up on you
I wake in the morning and I give up on you
Throughout the day I give up on you
Another night and I give up on you
Why cant I forget you
The way you forgot me
Why must I love you
Knowing you never loved me
Knowing I became
Nothing to you
The first time you ignored me
Why must I think of you
Just to give up
Again and again
Please be erased
From my mind and heart
Another morning
Another love Jumpstart

Her soul is like lace
Her eyes are like blue moonstones
Shimmering from the bottom of a clear lake

I want to fight for your love
More than I've ever fought for anything
For anyone
In my entire life
I've never wanted anyone this much
I've always let go and walked away
I never want to let go of you
I will let you go because it's what you want
But I never want to let go of the love I have for you
I've never wanted something so much
As I want a chance to love you and cherish you
To make all your dreams come true
I've never felt this way before
I've never felt so much determination
And all I can do is let you slip away
And do nothing

"My beautiful wife
Hold me for the rest of my life
You were never my burden
You were always my songbird"

Why are you
The only person
I couldn't let go of
Because you were needed
To teach me
My attachment style
So I can heal it
I couldn't heal
What I couldn't see
As I discarded
Everybody

I hope you are well
I love you
Be my valentine
Take care
Bye now
Bye bye
Bye bye

How.
This has never happened to me before.
I am first best.
I am only best.
What do you mean
There is another woman
That makes no sense
I should have known
When you were
Too good to be true
It isn't
She can have you
I don't want you anymore
Have a happy life
I will return to my lonleyness
Where I am safe
From the confines
Of the *******
We call love

I showed you my worst
Because if I was to love you
I needed you to know me
Wholeheartedly and to the core
And I know you
On some levels
However, I found
You didn't seek to be known

We've already brought
Our doubts and fears
To fruition
We have lived them
We know what they are
And how they make us feel
All that is left
Is hope

It has been a hard week for me
But you look happy
I am glad
That is wonderful
I love...
Me.

I only want one thing
For my birthday tomorrow
And that's to hear from you
Which I will not

In public
You hung on my every word
You looked for me
You couldn't wait to read what I said
In private
You ignored me
You showed me the darkness that lurks
Around your head
You should have paid me
If my material was so worth sharing
With everyone but yourself
Open communication
That's all I really wanted from you
I was reactionary
To a confusing message from you
I'm important to you when a crowd is around
Somehow I feel used
I'd offer you a clean slate
Set your boundaries with me
And I'll set mine
Let's start again
But I know that day is not coming
You never intended for me
To love you
In the end

When I tell you I love you
I am really just saying
I love myself

Maybe it was unrequited love
Maybe it was limmerance
Maybe it was unrequited decency
Maybe you truly are my twin flame
Soul contracted to sleep forever
Maybe you were guilty
Maybe you were innocent
Maybe you gaslit me
Maybe I was a predator
Maybe you are a narcissist
Maybe you are just like me
Good intentioned, misunderstood
Then again the time has come
And I want off that ride

You haunt me
Though you are alive and well

I tried to make amends with you
But it was impossible
It was impossible
So I give up
No amends need ever be made
No amends will ever be made

My love ignites
Burns hot
Like a crown fire
Ripping through a forest
Thick with brush
Burning up every bit of me
On its way to you
Ash blowing on the wind
With every sensation I send
I ascend
Caught above the flames
Smoke dispersed bits of grey
Landing on your windowsill

I suppose
If you choose a woman
With my name
You never have to worry
About calling her Nicolle
By mistake

I used to believe there were no coincidences
Until I met you
If I am to take you at face value
The word coincidence must be true
If everything happened for a reason
You would not leave me blue
You would reach out and confirm this
As I've repeatedly asked you to

I would swim across the ocean
To be with you tonight
I would rip the sky apart
To hold you tight
I would move mountains
To find you in the valley
I would ***** volcanoes
To have you close to me
There is nothing else
I want or need
Then to put your face
In my hands
And express to you
All my plans

My goddess
Love of my life
My wife
Bringer of bliss

I watched those hawk chicks
Fed by their parents
Growing fast
But not fast enough
To beat the desert temperatures
Coming early in June
They succumbed to the heat
If only they'd had another week
Another casualty
The great species collapse is here
Taking lives
Of every species
And I
A scientist, an ecologist
Doing my best
Can only sit back
Watch the world burn
And grieve
The short term changes
With lasting impacts
Of the industrial revolution

You were special to me
Now you are especially
Removed from my life
Not because you demanded it
But because I tired of ways
You insistently brought strife
I turned it around to peace
Communication and appreciation
Spreading light around in spite

By this Soul Connection
By this energetic connection
By my promise not to ignore my intuition
There is just so much going on with me
Beyond the physical world
I'm guessing from our experience last night
You're in the same situation
I try to never contact you I really do
But I promised myself
I'd never ignore my intuition
So I don't
Buy a burner phone
So you can contact me safely

"I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you."
-HONOPOPO

I feel guilty for loving you
I feel shame for loving you
You treated me like loving you was wrong
You treated me like loving you was bad
I came to feel I have been wrong
I came to feel I have been bad
I recognize the mistakes I made
I've taken responsibility for them
I've put in a lot of effort to change
And although I haven't changed very much or very quickly
I will spend the rest of my life working on what was bad and wrong about me
So tell me
Why should I feel guilt and why should I feel shame
Because I dared to love someone
I thought was lovable

I'll never be over you
But I'll never be under you
There is a partition on our stage
So we can pretend
We are acting alone
Not seeing
What the audience sees

He put his claws into me
Boxed me away
In a steel cage
With only walls
No bars
Where darkness subsides
Only when
I shine my own light
Against the scribbled patterns
Of love never found
Etched in the metal
I beg please free me
Even though he can't

Instead of waking in bliss and love
I woke in love and sorrow
Hands vibrating with pleasure
Heart ripped through by a dagger
How can someone who despises me the most
Be the person I feel love radiate from the most
It doesn't make sense

But not ours
All of our dreams will come true
Like they always do
With or without me
With or without you

I sing along to
Nirvana's About A Girl
And then I pull in
And see you hanging there
From the balcony
Of our beautfiul home
I try to save you
But it's too late
I unplug you on the sixth
When the doctors
Claim you are brain dead
There is no hope
Then for years
I learn about miracles
Maybe I should have left you plugged in
Maybe I shouldn't have listened
Maybe I destroyed a miracle
Gifted to me from jah
And I will never deserve another miracle
So you died once
Maybe twice
And I died every second
Then every minute
Then every hour
Every day
Until finally
I learned to live in some truncated way
I only die several times a year
Or maybe I just don't count anymore
Because I am accustomed to it now
The loss of a lifetime
The loss of love and marriage
Never remarrying
Never having kids
Dying on the days that remind me of you
Valentines, the day your proposed, the day we married, your birthday, halloween, the days you died, christmas.
I never really live my life to the fullest
I never can
No matter how I try
There is a piece of me you took with you
When you comitted suicide
The piece of me
That wishes
You'd killed me first

I want to let go
But I don't
I can't stop doing this
There's help when I'm a victim
But not when I'm a perpetrator
I don't love you or anything
I just want you
I want to feel you wrap around me
And within me
Obtrusively
But you don't
Which is good for both of us
Still when I think of you
I burn and
I want you to burn in me

Passing by on internet highways
I ask for you
And you post
And a guide posts
How to know they are thinking of you
So I make jokes
Love engrossed
In a longing to escape it
And the surrender
To it
Because there is no where to run
Ships turn slowly
Passing on the open waves

Your silence
And what you have said
Make no sense when
I feel your love falling on me
Like a pile of boulders

I never lost
My childlike wonder
Until I met him
And now I wonder
Where it has gone
Did he take it
Can I have it back
Now, please

I wish I was my twin flame's twin flame
As far as I can tell
I am not

Most days I love you
Some days I miss you
Mostly Mondays
Sometimes I'm angry at you
And occasionally
You've destroyed every fiber
Of my hope for love
Of my souls reality
Tomorrow
It will be nice
To just love you
Tonight
It may be nice
When you hold me
And kiss me
In an astral way
If my heart can stray
From my mind

I tried to be there for him
I just failed
That's all
You can't be there for someone
Who won't let you

I want to run away from everything
I want to leave it all behind
But I cannot
Because it's all stored in my mind

I get tens of calls of nobody
Trying to sell me *****
Or take my money
For nothing in return
And I ask each and every one
Now
Why do you always have to be spam?
Why can't you ever be Graham?

From the moment you first ignored me
I gave you up every day
I let you go every day
So then why
Can't my hope join me
Why
Must my hope torture me so