From the moment
My husband hung
From his noose
It was apparent
I
Will never be loved
I
Will never remarry
I
Will always
Just be me, alone
Worthy of love
But unable to obtain it
Why do I love you now
Another unobtainable
Shattered dream
Why
No reason
I just can't have it

A year ago today
You took a piece of me
A piece of my heart
A piece of my soul
A lock of my hair
A strand of my energy
And I can't get the pieces back
I can't cut the cords
I don't even know you anymore
You're just some stranger
That I adore

I am lovable
I am worthy of marrying
I am worthy of spending a life with
I am worthy of love
I am worthy of family
Even though the only one who can see that
Is me.

Well, and my friends...
And the online acquaintances who have tried to hook us up
Sigh.

I guess you're just a muse to me now
I'm just Amusement to you anyhow
Actually you were always just a muse
The love I feel is there to confuse
You never felt it, that's old news
Regardless how my heart you infuse

Why do I love you?
I don't even know you.
How have you not called me?
I'm irresistible.
How do you bare
Being without me?
I'm the one.
I had a valentine.
But I want you all the time.
Well back to pretending
I don't love some stranger.

When I told you
I love you
Unconditionally
I meant it
When I met you
I knew you
Were kindred to me
And when I
Began to love you
I just knew
And I know
And that is okay
I hope you'll come forward someday
Against all the odds
Against all your actions
That push me away
Cuz I'm done running.

Maybe I should start drinking again
So I will be attracted enough to people
To settle with someone
Anyone
So I won't be alone for the holidaze
But I don't feel like throwing up
Or begging for my needs to be met
So instead
I will stay sober
And wait until
I am no longer lonely
In just a few minutes

It took me four months of spending hours with you four to five days a week to notice you
To love you
But with all these random men
Falling in love with me at first sight
Saying things to me
Not what I said to you but
I keep thinking the way I feel about their words
Was the way you felt about my words
They don't know me they just want to control me
They just want to fill some hole in their lives with a pretty face
Did you think my love for you so shallow
So hollow
As this
Did I bring you the emotions
They bring me
Unseen possession to be won
That's not what you are
That's not how I see you
But I guess it doesn't matter
Because you're not interested
And I am without your mind, body, and attention
And tied to your soul, Chakra bound
Forever
Come to me, open up to me
Is a futile request
I'll never stop hoping for
While I lean against the bolted shut door

Spill out accross the ether
Like diamonds strewn accross the sky
Two days and three years here
Chasing dreams crossed with lies
Are they lies
Or do they just lie
Sleeping in the starry dust
Of comets sent to only rust
In a vacumnous place
An interspace
Within a black hole
Where I am whole
I just love and long
To heal everyone

When it's the one
So why not me
Because you are the one
You're the mirror image
Of me
Being in your presence is
Coming home
So please
Be in my presence
Let me be
The same for you
That you are for me
The catalyst
Of bliss

My mornings are peaceful
Present
And then I feel you wake up
The shift

...is not very long.
...is not long, stop asking.
...is not long at all.
...shut up!
...is time well spent.
...is time needed.
...is not coming back.
...will not be returned.
...can not be earned.
...is lost.
...cannot be profitable.
...to do the job right leads to satisfaction.
...to care shows compassion.
...passes in years.
...is remembered.
... is treasured.
...brings smiles.
...renews ones path.
...renews ones soul.
...is precious.
...is meaningful.
...is shared.
...is a happy memory.
...is always close to the heart.
...becomes peace of mind.
...helps you grow.
...teaches you to love again.
...gives you knowledge to decide based upon experience.
...leaves dog hair for years.
...makes scars beautiful.
...won't hurt as much as it heals.
...means you will love again.
...-how much longer?
...makes sleep all the more enjoyable.
...makes lifes quests star-reachingly fabulous!
...makes puzzles quick to beat, but not to quick.

I don't think that I need somebody
I don't think that I need someone
I don't need anybody
I am the only one
I am the only one

The sun sets alone on me
On the beach
Or in the rocks
Anywhere I place my feet
One at peace
One released
Anywhere I want to be

I hope you learn
Everything you taught me
Someday

I gave you s* for being stuck on her for 3 years
Then I got stuck on you for 3 years
At least now I see absolutely no reason why
I should think anything positive about you
Other than to wish you love and prosperity so you'll be happy
But I just want that for everyone

From the moment you first ignored me
I gave you up every day
I let you go every day
So then why
Can't my hope join me
Why
Must my hope torture me so

I kept standing in my own way
I didn't understand why
But if I truly am the divine masculine
It's because you were standing in your own way
I don't know if I'm the masculine or the feminine
I only know you were gone
The moment I loved you
And I've been gone too
Untold love stories
Never to be revealed

Ripple through the changing multiverse
With your love
Echo through my mind, my soul
Reverberate into my world
Shake me to the core as you always do
Let me see the physical side of you
Come crashing through my gate
Like a whirlwind of fate
Wrap me up in your hugs
That define your love
I've felt the bliss again and again
Bring forth what you are, my friend
My lover
No more spiritual slumber
We shall quantum leap
Into the spaces
Where we can't be separated
And both release the curses
That trap our love in verses
Of unrequited poets
Words of those that do not know us
Know what and who we are
Too brazen brilliant stars
With scars
Heal and be enraptured
Tend to mending sutures
Never again will we
Feel the broken heart of
"I must leave"

And I'll take you last name
Love you without shame
Give me a chance, not again
But for the first time

I don't care about more people hearing
What I have to say
I don't care about money
I don't care about fame
I don't care about exposure
I liked my little artistic
Hipster circles of expression
I don't care what the twin flame journey
Says I need to expand to for union
I want my life of peace and joy
You're the famous exposed part of this soul vibration
I'm the intimate expression of our arts in small circles
On your side of the stage partition, an auditorium
On my side of the stage partition, a house party
A drum circle
A rave
A jam session of 20 to 40 musicians at once
You tell your jokes to the masses
I tell my jokes in karaoke circles
And one on one in small groups
I'm done questing for more
I'm going back into oblivion
Its more fun
You inspired me to try
But I dont need what you have
To be your equal
I already was

It really puts it in perspective
When I realize
In the past 12 years
I've only loved two guys
And you were one
Still I'm on the run
From your lack of fun
You miss the starting gun
I cant quite comprehend
How my heart came to mend
Then came to bend
At your hands
With a quick end
I cant understand
I couldn't accept
So I took my usual steps
But something has gone awry
Because I'm not over you yet

I love you so deeply
But you won't accept it
You won't have it
So I shower it upon myself
What a tragedy
For you

I was over you yesterday
Convinced it's hopeless
That my heart was letting go
But to see your anger
Your pain
Not be able to help
Be the cause again
Rips my heart out
Leaves love and shame
I wish I could hug you
Then be over you again

I want to feel you
I want to touch you
I want to kiss you
I want to hold you
I want to look in your eyes
And I won't

You provided a dream
The catalyst to my healing
The doorway to my return to peace
So that when I meet someone
Prepared and willing to love me
I'll be prepared and willing to love him too
And for that I thank you
You refuse to be the one
But you got me ready for him

I am filled with love
It permeates and radiates
I feel this anxiousness
Don't fret
You can never run out
Of the love I contain
It persists
Through the ages
Be love
Be peace
Be yourself

I am finally angry with you
I talked to a lawyer
I showed him some of the communications
Including all my emails
He said since I only contacted
By email and Instagram
And never threatened you
Or even called you names
And because there is video evidence
Lining up with your indirect responses
To my messages
Gaslighting me
And communicating with me
In every stream I attended
Not to mention
If I am such a threat to you
Why did you book a show
In my city
Near my house
You don't have a case
And if you threaten me again
Or take action
I will sue you
You were right to run
Because you aren't man enough for me
Or you'd of told me you weren't interested
Early on instead of
Waiting until things escalated
And gaslighting me on your stream
You have anger issues
I'm grateful you rejected me
I dodged a bullet
I'm working on my attachment style
And the man I seek
Who is seeking me
Will thank you
For teaching me where I need work
And not tying me down
So he can love me
The way you never could
You should also work on your attachment style
Or all you will ever have
Is the drama you repeat
You don't know me
And you never will
You were wrong about me
And I nolonger apologize
And I won't accept yours
F twin flames
Don't give a s about that connection
Rather marry happily
To someone who will value me
Sorry I loved you
You're right that was a mistake
This fantasy is dead

I sat on the beach
And you didn't sit with me
I looked up from my coffee
And didn't see your eyes
I walked from my bnb
And you didn't walk with me
I surfed the waves
And you weren't to my left
I joked the open mics
And you weren't there fuming
Over the jokes written about you
I sang karaoke
And you didn't duet with me
I laid in a strange bed
Only with my dog
I woke to a beach sunrise
A beach sunset
And your weren't there
Creating reels of the sight
Eating junk food
Because it's vegan
As I told you why
I couldn't eat it
Kissing my lips
Holding my hand
Hugging me close
Smelling my hair
Our cheeks pressed
Against each other
Your fingers in my hair
Moving it aside from the breeze
Lightly moving your fingers down
One strand to the end
Staring into my eyes
No none of this beauty
That I've manifested
A thousand times
Has come to be
Maybe next lifetime
You'll come to love me

You start shining like the sun
Gold light across my horizon
Then you swell like the ocean
Teal waves crashing over me
And you end like the night
Your darkness blinds my sight

I've never written this many poems
For anyone
I've never waited on unrequited love
Not since middle school
Before love was even real
How can it be I feel
So much for someone
So out of touch
Who with me communication was snuffed
I know how you felt
I saw it
I read you like a book
You can't lie to me
But I don't know how you feel
Because I don't steal
Looks at you
From around the corner
Of our atrocities
To each other

You made me feel ashamed to love you
But that shame is based in lies
There is nothing wrong with me
There is nothing wrong with my love
The only wrong
Was your inability to speak up sooner
And your cruelty when you finally
Spoke your truth
My love is pure
Regardless your shades of *****
You chose to view love through
Regardless of your gaslighting
You hold plausible deniability for

why all the
Twin flame *****
Just for you to hate me
Just to continue
Being myself
Alone
I didn't need it
I didn't need you
I could have healed myself
Now I love you
And it won't go away
I wish it would
Because I've given up
On you loving me

Because the last words you ever said to me meant
Your Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, Rokfin, interviews, articles, and images
Are not mine
They are not mine to view
Not mine to watch
Not mine to hear
Not mine to read
They are only mine to let go of
Without looking
Without knowing
And move on

I was worthy of love
Turns out
All the people
Telling me I'm not worthy of love
Are right
I'm not
I'd still wife me, though.

I guess I succeeded in making you feel strongly for me
Because now you hate me
I should have known my love was wrong
The moment I felt love
My intuition is wrong
It gets everything right
Except what it says about us
Reality is wholly opposite of what it's telling me
I hope I never run into you again
Anywhere
Ever
I am sorry for the damage I've caused
But you don't know or care your damage
How can you be the person who healed me the most
And the person who made me feel the most wrong
That I've ever felt in my life
I wish you'd told me not to contact you months ago
I wish I'd never met you
Because now I've found the one
And I understand I've no one

Just meet me once
In person
In September
Then if you still
Aren't interested in me
I will forget you
I will forget you if you don't
Just give me one date
It's the only thing I ever wanted
From you
What's the worst that could happen
You meet a pretty girl
And move on afterward
Meanwhile the worst
That can happen
That hasn't already
If you don't meet me
Is we will never know
And live with a what if

Are the ones that got away
I got away because I refuse to play The Dating Game
And you got away because when you felt this attraction and I felt it back
You immediately shut it down before it could even start
You immediately denied our potential
And I in turn sabotaged our potential
Both drowning in our own fear
We are the ones that got away
And we will never know it, dear

I just happen to know your worth as well
And I don't mind
That I was too reactive
That you saw my bad side
As often as I saw yours
Because you couldn't speak up
For what you truly wanted
Do you know your worth
I didn't lose anything
And I guess since you didn't see me
The way I see you
You didn't lose anything, either
I will always love you
I will never regret trying for you
I will never regret pushing you away
When you wouldn't try for me
We had potential
You couldn't see
But I know it
And I'm fine with how
Everything turned out
Lessons for when you come around
Or
Lessons for who will overcome you in my heart
Somehow

Stars fall from the sky
Through my pen
And on to the page
For you

I feel guilty for loving you
I feel shame for loving you
You treated me like loving you was wrong
You treated me like loving you was bad
I came to feel I have been wrong
I came to feel I have been bad
I recognize the mistakes I made
I've taken responsibility for them
I've put in a lot of effort to change
And although I haven't changed very much or very quickly
I will spend the rest of my life working on what was bad and wrong about me
So tell me
Why should I feel guilt and why should I feel shame
Because I dared to love someone
I thought was lovable

Passing by on internet highways
I ask for you
And you post
And a guide posts
How to know they are thinking of you
So I make jokes
Love engrossed
In a longing to escape it
And the surrender
To it
Because there is no where to run
Ships turn slowly
Passing on the open waves

Shatter my personal truth
Smother my intuition with a pillow
Forcefully forget how for you
I bend just like a willow
Because you asked me to
I'll do anything you want me to
Forget every single inch of you
Deny our love was ever true
Pretend we are strangers like you do
Pretend seperation never left us blue

I give up on you every day.
So today.
I give up.
Again.
I'll never know you.
I won't even try any more.

I wanted to push you away
Because you are the one for me
And I was more successful
At pushing you away
Than I've ever been at
Pushing anyone away ever
So can I please forget you now
I cant reject an opportunity
And pine for it
Simultaneously
That makes no sense
But I did just that
Or maybe you'll forgive me
And start fresh
But honestly
I don't believe grand gestures
Are ever kind, only cruel
And I'll never have a chance
To be who I truly am
With you
Again

I am starting to understand
Why I love you so deeply
I'm starting to gain clarity
Why this isn't going to work
Why you can't meet my needs
As a phantom of the parenting
I never received
As a mirror of the disconnect
I always seek
So that I can run quickly
When you're close to me
I am seeing the pattern
Run before they can hurt you
Choose the ones that never stay
So I can stray
So I can splay
My love against my own walls
Built up in circles around me
So I don't get trapped
In the corner
Free and rushing to stay free
And I see how you
Don't work for me
But I still love you deeply
Every word I spoke to you truth
Stay far away from me
Let me love you from a distance
Let me wait until another lifetime
But you're different
Because you don't escape my mind
You're just like all the rest
Selectively choosen to test
My resolve to keep my alonesss
But the difference
Between you and them is
I really want this
I'm working hard for it now
To change my pattern
Not for you, the one I love
But for the next one I will love
Who will not fit the pattern
Because you were specifically selected
One who will not be returning
I can't expect a different answer
From a formula I planned so well

I don't want to give it to him
I don't want the four of them to keep talking to me
Because they are not you
I'm not going to meet people anymore
Because they are not you
But I'm not waiting for you
I'm just not interested in anyone else
Except you
And myself

Leaves turning
Green to yellow, red, and orange
Pale green with a cold wind's scourge
Trees letting go, trying to teach us
How simple it is to move seasons
Live now and forget all the reasons
But our memories are built
To turn over the past haunting
Again and again as we watch
Leaves blown in the wind
Trying to break chains that bind
As hard as we can
We don't let go

The sun rises on me
Whether I'm at the sea
Or somewhere else
Where I feel free
Just let me be

I didn't even know I was an abuser
I don't deserve to be loved
I wish I would just die
But I guess I'm better off alive