You made me feel ashamed to love you
But that shame is based in lies
There is nothing wrong with me
There is nothing wrong with my love
The only wrong
Was your inability to speak up sooner
And your cruelty when you finally
Spoke your truth
My love is pure
Regardless your shades of *****
You chose to view love through
Regardless of your gaslighting
You hold plausible deniability for

No song
And no poem
No self work
No going within
No amount of
Growth
Therapy
Or success
No high vibes
Self purpose
Happy energy
Hope
Faith
Or manifestation
Nothing
Brings you back to me

I've got no space for pain from you.
There is no hole inside of me.
No emptiness. No loneliness.
I've only got space for love
Do you hear me?
You can't take my power from me.
And I won't take yours.
I refuse to feel that way.
Its been long enough...
To be healed.

In public
You hung on my every word
You looked for me
You couldn't wait to read what I said
In private
You ignored me
You showed me the darkness that lurks
Around your head
You should have paid me
If my material was so worth sharing
With everyone but yourself
Open communication
That's all I really wanted from you
I was reactionary
To a confusing message from you
I'm important to you when a crowd is around
Somehow I feel used
I'd offer you a clean slate
Set your boundaries with me
And I'll set mine
Let's start again
But I know that day is not coming
You never intended for me
To love you
In the end

I tell myself I am done with you
I will force myself over you
Force myself to forget
But when I see a shooting star
I cast one more wish

You count the days since I last messaged you
Waiting for my love to lapse
I count the days since I last messaged you
Like an addict hoping not to relapse

But not ours
All of our dreams will come true
Like they always do
With or without me
With or without you

Because
Who has me
But you

I've seen things
You'd never tell
And I accept you
And I'm down
I like these things
Coming from you
Words I cannot say
Not in public
And not to you
Things you want to do

My love was not wasted on you
But it would have been better spent
Being showered on myself

I found someone else
When he sings
Awkward and beautiful
When he follows me
Across my social medias
Daily
When we find ourselves
Writing back and forth for hours
But he hasn't called me
So maybe not
But he is doing a hellofa lot better
Than you did
You chump
I will always love you
But in that
You already lost me
Kinda way
Which would actually
Make you glad
And that is sad
Someone else will reap the harvest
Of all you had sown
In manifesting me
In inspiring my change
So I could be the best
Lover I have ever been
For someone new
Not you

My love ignites
Burns hot
Like a crown fire
Ripping through a forest
Thick with brush
Burning up every bit of me
On its way to you
Ash blowing on the wind
With every sensation I send
I ascend
Caught above the flames
Smoke dispersed bits of grey
Landing on your windowsill

My love is a grace
That holds me
When I'm in need
Of comfort and support
My love is a claw
Ripping through my chest
Shredding my heart
And my stomach
To confetti, to dust
My love is present
My love is longing
My love is you
And you are me

We've already brought
Our doubts and fears
To fruition
We have lived them
We know what they are
And how they make us feel
All that is left
Is hope

I can't always be grateful to you
but sometimes I am grateful
for all the disdain you hold for me
because that is what motivated me
to Surf and to do stand-up
and I love both
just to push you off my stage
co-star

How can I love someone I don't even know
As if I dated him for years
As if all of my fantasies took place
As if I actually touched every line on his face
As if he ever gave love that could not be replaced

You still hate me.
I accept you always will.
Please never wake up.
I don't want you to feel this connection.
Leave me here alone with you.
With Myself.
You can never love me
As much as you love me.

"For which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?"
Your neediness.
They say it kills attraction.
But to see your desperation.
Your loneliness.
Your yearning.
I've wanted nothing more
From that very moment
Than to ensure you never feel that way again.
God willing.
You didn't allow me
To be the one to take that away from you.

I am no one's obligation.
You think that is love?
You think that is support?
You think it makes me
Feel warm and f'ing fuzzy
To hear you feel obligated
To love me?
Obligated.
I will punch you in the face.
Stay out of my life.
Forever.

Let's not stand in each other's way
Let's unite when we
Can bond together in strength
To help eachother reach our goals
If we can't do that
Keep the partition on the stage
And be my costar
Out of sight
Out of mind
Yet chained at the heart

Maybe I should start drinking again
So I will be attracted enough to people
To settle with someone
Anyone
So I won't be alone for the holidaze
But I don't feel like throwing up
Or begging for my needs to be met
So instead
I will stay sober
And wait until
I am no longer lonely
In just a few minutes

I want an electric Ford Mustang
I want you
I think I'll sing you Barely Breathing by Dustin Sheik
A Mustang drives past me
The license plate reads PV SHOW
My heart Quakes in pain
My soul laughs
You're already mine
I'll have you a gain
My brain twists
Birds before land
I can't quit
I'm your destined plan

My love for you
Is like the sunrise
On a cloudless day
It can't help but shine
On you
Your love for me
Is like the sunset
Leaving me in the dark
With stars in my eyes

I can't do it
I can't stay angry
I can't hold to
The name calling
You're such a ****
I swear I believe that
Please trust me
When I say it
Don't think for one second
That I am all forgiving
That you can do no wrong
Just because
You shine like no other
You shine like me
Partition up
Just a curtain
A heavy curtain
I see the shapes
On the other side
I am angry now
I swear it
Don't believe otherwise
There is no love
In that which lies
A cold tattered wretch
On the cold wooden stage
Who plays that part
Not you nor I
We are the light
And we shine
Through love, bright
But I swear
I've convinced myself
That you are a ****

I gave you s* for being stuck on her for 3 years
Then I got stuck on you for 3 years
At least now I see absolutely no reason why
I should think anything positive about you
Other than to wish you love and prosperity so you'll be happy
But I just want that for everyone

Was your recognition
Because I've been through hell
Being you
Being me
But now
F it, babe
Don't ever wake up
Don't ever recognize me
Sleepwalk your whole life
I can finish this integration
Force myself to let you go
Forever
I'll do my best
My damndest
Not to give you any more chances

You pulled
And I broke
Just for a few seconds
Just long enough
To see your beautiful face
Hear your beautiful voice
Then I left
I wonder if you saw my name
On that list

In 5D you once told me
My resistance is your resistance
Well your walls are my walls
Love bounces back from them
Stays with me
Futile to love you
Futile to believe in you
All hope disintegrated
All belief dismissed
All love I feel for you
Is only mine now
You are what you want to be
Nothing to me

Tonight the stage was mine
The audience was mine
The cameras were mine
And I shone
I found myself grateful
The pandemic is being ignored

I showed you my worst
Because if I was to love you
I needed you to know me
Wholeheartedly and to the core
And I know you
On some levels
However, I found
You didn't seek to be known

Coworker: "How are you?"
(Internal monolog: I blocked my twin flame on all social medias so I wouldn't look at his pages.
So I honor his desire for privacy away from me.
I'm sad. I want him to call me.
I see no reason he ever will.
If he is me he'd call me.
He couldn't stay away.
He stays away.
My heart is being shredded into a million pieces...)
My response with a big smile: "I'm good."

I'll never be over you
But I'll never be under you
There is a partition on our stage
So we can pretend
We are acting alone
Not seeing
What the audience sees

How long must I go on
Feeling unrequited love
Feeling guilty for loving you
If I can't stop loving you
I hope I die
Now

The rain sparkles
Like glitter
Made from the dust
Of grief

My love for you burns
Like my distraction
Strong and true

From the moment you first ignored me
I gave you up every day
I let you go every day
So then why
Can't my hope join me
Why
Must my hope torture me so

It is too late
I manifested for years
Nothing changed
He never came
Now
I no longer know
How to lay next to someone
I no longer want
To risk unacceptance
Alone is
So peaceful
I can imagine different
But I can't feel it
You are too late
Which is fine
Because you were never coming
I hope you find someone wonderful to love
I don't really care to stop being alone now
Bodies are hot, sticky, and judgemental
I'll pass
We lived a full life of love
In my imagination

A year ago today
You took a piece of me
A piece of my heart
A piece of my soul
A lock of my hair
A strand of my energy
And I can't get the pieces back
I can't cut the cords
I don't even know you anymore
You're just some stranger
That I adore

You were just a catalyst
That I could not resist
But your not the voice
Of my final choice
Get over yourself
It's me and no one else
Cuz that's a twin flame
Nothing left to explain

I'm sorry I broke your heart
I only wanted to uphold it
In grace and love
But I'm human
Rather
I'm wearing a human costume

My heart soars on the breeze of the universe
More of a gaseous travel through an empty oblivion
Bounding from particle to particle
From electron to electron
Sounding the thundering blasts
Of silence
And birds sing to me
Calling me back to peace
Back to a space
Where I can be bound to earth
Bound to the soil
Head bent toward the flowers
Classifying each species
As I observe their colors
Blending into one another
As the wind pulls them lightly
Back and forth across my sight
Still my heart feels you
And takes flight
Like those playful birds
Leaving me alone at night

I want to block you so bad
But whats the point
When I'm just going to
Turn around and unblock you
Again
Seeing your face
Seeing your kind words to others
Triggers the memory
Of how you first ignored me
How you gaslit me
With the "my guns are so tight"
Comments
How you treated me
Like I wasn't worth your time
Except where you
Could use my material
To fill airspace
You treat everyone differently
Than you treat me
I wish I could keep you blocked
But I don't
I sometimes think
I'll wash my hands
Of the entire community
Walk away and
Leave all of you behind
Perhaps someday
I will
Love me, want me, talk to me
Or don't I don't f'ng care
I deserve better treatment
Than I can get from you
I'm good enough
I'm worthy
You're blind
You'll only miss me
When it's too late
Just like all the rest

Spill out accross the ether
Like diamonds strewn accross the sky
Two days and three years here
Chasing dreams crossed with lies
Are they lies
Or do they just lie
Sleeping in the starry dust
Of comets sent to only rust
In a vacumnous place
An interspace
Within a black hole
Where I am whole
I just love and long
To heal everyone

From the moment
My husband hung
From his noose
It was apparent
I
Will never be loved
I
Will never remarry
I
Will always
Just be me, alone
Worthy of love
But unable to obtain it
Why do I love you now
Another unobtainable
Shattered dream
Why
No reason
I just can't have it

My intuition says one thing
My heart very much agrees
But my mind tells me
It sees what it sees
You're not someone I please
You're not someone I tease
You're lost on the breeze
I'm lost in the trees
So day after day
I try to break free
From the love and the way
You've captured me
And day after day
My soul brings me back
To your love trap
Where you never seem to be
Cobwebs and memories
Of things we never built
Self protection
Full of guilt
Running and writhing
From this love that abounds
But how can it be
When you don't make a sound

Why do I love you?
I don't even know you.
How have you not called me?
I'm irresistible.
How do you bare
Being without me?
I'm the one.
I had a valentine.
But I want you all the time.
Well back to pretending
I don't love some stranger.

I didn't know to treasure our moments together
I didn't know I would love you so deeply for so long
I didn't know I would lose you
My love for you erupted like fault lines after a long stillness
My love for you was a tsunami on a calm ocean
I look back and I cherish every moment we had
Before I made you hate me
Just by loving you
Too much
After all my love
Was washed away
By my anxiety...
And your compassion
Well you have none

I feel guilty for loving you
I feel shame for loving you
You treated me like loving you was wrong
You treated me like loving you was bad
I came to feel I have been wrong
I came to feel I have been bad
I recognize the mistakes I made
I've taken responsibility for them
I've put in a lot of effort to change
And although I haven't changed very much or very quickly
I will spend the rest of my life working on what was bad and wrong about me
So tell me
Why should I feel guilt and why should I feel shame
Because I dared to love someone
I thought was lovable

I've always had a lover with me
Or a friend
Every time I stopped here
And now I'm here again
But this time I'm alone
No one with which to chat
Sitting at the bar
Where we once sat
Pairs and partners alike
Just to have a bite
Alone not even twin flame presence
In this freedom I take flight
But still
It'd be nice to have someone
To chat with

Now that I have finally accepted
You are the one that got away
And I am ready
To find someone new
I just wish
I could still see you
As a beautiful human
As a light onto the world
But I don't
I guess now
I see you how you see me
Irredeemable