You were worth a try
And you were worth pushing away
When you refused to reciprocate
Otherwise I'd of spent all my days
In your shadow waiting
Still six months later I love you
And ask myself
Whats the difference
I could have spent time in your shade
But my time is mine, loves renegade

All night long
We were together
In my dreams
Such a splendor
If we came together
In real life
Would I dream about you
Every night?

See that chasm?
Let's jump in.
There is love down there.

I would like to believe
That my love is turning to dust
Caught in the leaves of the trees
Where you don't see me
It's starting to feel true
What will I sing
What will I write
If I come to feel nothing
For you

The sun rose red and then orange
The temperature stayed low
Lower then it has been
Will it still cross 100 degrees?
Smoke hazed the air brown
The dry red dust joined the ash
Dancing and twirling on the low winds
In twisters broken by the road cut
Underground rodents in burrows
Rushed through the maze
Flighting for their lives
As water trucks spread droplets
That quickly evaporate
We are not sustainable

I know it's not
Because I know myself
I feel your need
Work on this
Address this
The moment you nolonger need me
Will be the moment you are free
To come to me
In love
Let's build something healthy
Or we can just keep running
I never needed you
I just wanted you
Remember that
When my soul embraces you
I only want to give you love
Support
Not desperation
Not need

I threaten to leave
You show up next to me
I promise to stay
You beg I go away

Give time to the bridge
Before this bliss
As someone that believes in color
Yesterday knows the truth
In your eyes

By this Soul Connection
By this energetic connection
By my promise not to ignore my intuition
There is just so much going on with me
Beyond the physical world
I'm guessing from our experience last night
You're in the same situation
I try to never contact you I really do
But I promised myself
I'd never ignore my intuition
So I don't
Buy a burner phone
So you can contact me safely

You haunt me
Though you are alive and well

I want to let go
But I don't
I can't stop doing this
There's help when I'm a victim
But not when I'm a perpetrator
I don't love you or anything
I just want you
I want to feel you wrap around me
And within me
Obtrusively
But you don't
Which is good for both of us
Still when I think of you
I burn and
I want you to burn in me

That I shouldn't have shared the parts of me
With you
That weren't meant for anyone
But if you
Had given me a chance
I'd of shared everything else
With you
And worked hard
To repair
The parts of myself
I shouldn't have shared
I still am repairing those parts
But its the sharing the rest
With you
That I don't get
That I missed out on
And I missed out on
You sharing all your parts
You mean to share
Someday, with someone
With me

I dream of you
But can't see you
I desire for you
But can't be with you
I burn to know you
But won't reach out
You wouldn't reply anyway
Except in your efforts to follow me
The lover, the stalkee, the lover, the muse
There is nothing left for me to lose
Dreaming of the twins we'll never have
With the creeper, oh, how my heart's stabbed!
Don't ever follow me again
Regardless how we may be kin
Stay away from me, don't turn
Regardless how, for you, I burn

You're getting serious
With your side chick
Taking things to the next level
Of commitment
I'm not going to write about you
Anymore
It is done
I'm going to smother my love for you
Until it dies
Why do I feel the way I do
When every feeling was a lie.

I try to hate you
But I love you
I try to tell myself
You're not my twin flame
But you visit me
In the 5D
Albeit less frequently
I try to move on
But your pull is strong
Even though you don't want me
I try to forget
Let go of regret
Still you haunt me
Like your soul is mine
Energetically entwined
Chakra blending
But what do you feel
I bet nothing
For you no strings

Celebration of all or nothing.
An impending sense of heartache and freedom,
Aloneness, peace and joy.
Unconditional love that can't be broken nor triggered.
And the breaking of chains of burden.
We are free of each other.
Me free of you, you free of me
Though we are bound
By the same soul frequency
By our energy, but not bound
By our physicality
I pray for your forgiveness
And relish in my own
Thank you.
I love you.
Love is mine to bear.
Take care.

It took a while
But you captured me
In an astral plane
We cannot be
Stay where you are
In reality
But visit all you like
When I sleep
I'll never tell you
What I've seen
When we travel
In night's dream

I awoke from a dream you made for me
Gripping at my thoughts for reality
Everything changed or fallen away
Deep this desire wishing to stray
Still I hold fast to the promises I made
Hiding you close in my mind's shade
Like dominos my life changed
Step by step all rearranged
In ways unimaginable
Because I met you

August 8, 2023
Something clicked
And the floodgates opened
There is one manifestation
I never want
Because
I don't want to change a thing for you
I don't want your life to change for me
Stay where you are
What happens in my dreams
Is my only secret
And I will take it to my grave

All the love I had
That smothered you
Was probably just projection
Of how much I love me
Anyway

You manifested me
But then you cast away your manifestation
I know because
When I met you
I changed

I would do anything for you.
Which amounts to leaving you alone
And working on myself
Every day for the rest of my life.

He will love me
He will cherish me
He will be in regular contact
He will not be afraid
Not fear his emotions
Not fear conflict
Not fear compromise
Not fear working things out
Not fear communication
Not fear rejection
Because he will know
Rejection isn't an option
For either of us
We will communicate
We will share
We will be open
We will be equal
He will be loving
He will be caring
He will be firm
He will set boundaries
He will respect boundaries
He will be forward
He will be blunt
He will be dedicated
He will be loyal
We will share interests
We will build each other up
We will help eachother
On our paths to our best selves
He will give me
What you don't appear capable of
I love you
But I'm going to love him more
Because
I'm going to love him as much
As he is going to love me

Pulsing moments.
Repressed attraction.
Years and years of
The sweetest tension.
Welcome back,
I couldn't mention...
I searched in vain.
You were standing here
All along.
I've been a fool.
I've been blind.
My love is yours
And yours is mine.

From the kegle joke that was the first time you ignored me
To the message telling you off for instagrams random notification attached to a message I unsent you
I regret every message I ever sent you
On Twitter, email, or instagram
Except the last three emails
I don't regret those three.
I'm sorry that when someone isn't interested in me
I have to make sure they never will be
I'm sorry for the damage I caused you
And caused my own heart
I meant the last three emails
I meant every word after I finally got my way
And I regret wanting my way
Because all I really wanted but knew I could never have
Was you
And for some reason I felt you loved me
But I see that could never be true
Because everything I wanted to offer you
I couldn't
And I didn't

All you see
Is a red flag

Haunted
By my inability
To know intuition
From imagination
I love you..
Too?
See you later

My life has been full of self growth
Where has it gotten me
Backsliding
With the one I love
Success only
In individual endeavors
I was raised
Not to love
Not to be loved
So I stand
In my successes
Alone

Google it.
Read all about it.
Watch videos on it.
Make it a core part
Of every decision
You ever make.
You don't need anyone else
To tell you anything else.
This is what cured me.
You're not broken.

I can't bring you joy
I can't make you happy
I am a burden
My love isn't ever
Something someone wants
I only wanted to be
Someone positive in
Your life
But I failed
So goodbye

I miss you
I want nothing more
Than to be in your arms
But I won't tell you
Because of self respect
Or valuing myself
Or some bullshite like that

Your 5D kisses
May have saved my life
Making me just late enough
To avoid a car accident
On the freeway
Thank you

I never think of you in the morning
I never think of you in the day
I never think of you when I dream
Or when I distract myself with my scene
I never miss your cold callous ways
I never miss your singing display
I don't want you to sing she's like the wind
Because I'll never watch your media again
It is a sin
Forget my twin

My intuition is wrong
And you really don't love me
Fine, I'll let you go then
Goodbye

He put his claws into me
Boxed me away
In a steel cage
With only walls
No bars
Where darkness subsides
Only when
I shine my own light
Against the scribbled patterns
Of love never found
Etched in the metal
I beg please free me
Even though he can't

I want to fight for your love
More than I've ever fought for anything
For anyone
In my entire life
I've never wanted anyone this much
I've always let go and walked away
I never want to let go of you
I will let you go because it's what you want
But I never want to let go of the love I have for you
I've never wanted something so much
As I want a chance to love you and cherish you
To make all your dreams come true
I've never felt this way before
I've never felt so much determination
And all I can do is let you slip away
And do nothing

I'm just going to write
As if I were there
My readers will think
I've found love
I haven't
But I can dream love
Fantasize it's possible
There is no other way
I've tried letting you go
For a year
I've tried erasing you
Ive tried manifesting you
Now I'm just going to write you
As my fiction
Until someday someone
Is my truth

Honestly
Babe
That was the strangest experience
Of my entire life
Talk to me about it
Please

I suppose
If you choose a woman
With my name
You never have to worry
About calling her Nicolle
By mistake

When you meet the greatest love of your life
You'll find you can't run anymore
There will be no where to run
Because that love is inside of you
I'm going to rest my feet
And breath deep
Now

It has been a hard week for me
But you look happy
I am glad
That is wonderful
I love...
Me.

Like a whirlwind
You pulled my emotions
Into the air
But they dropped
Leaving only the debris
Of lost potential

Walk through that door
Say empathetic things
Slide me into your arms
Test my resolve

Anxious heart palpatations
I don't like this part
I like the part where
A date is set
Or rejection is done
I don't like the
Antici... pation
But maybe you do
Gotta think positive
You lit up when I asked your age
That caught me off guard
People don't usually get excited
To tell someone their age
I am known to read into things
That aren't there
I think that is why
This part is no fun for me
I can't read attraction
I see it when there is none
I think you like me
Catching my eye
From accross the room
Repeatedly
Only time will tell
God I wish I was an empath
Instead of a kind psychopath

I really can't manifest you, can I
I guess at some point I should stop trying
I always get what I want
She said delusionally
Staring at an image of Barbados
Pretending she was there
Instead of here
In a river of tears
Dried
From the long standing drought
In doubt

How.
This has never happened to me before.
I am first best.
I am only best.
What do you mean
There is another woman
That makes no sense
I should have known
When you were
Too good to be true
It isn't
She can have you
I don't want you anymore
Have a happy life
I will return to my lonleyness
Where I am safe
From the confines
Of the *******
We call love

"My beautiful wife
Hold me for the rest of my life
You were never my burden
You were always my songbird"

I'm kind of in love with you
And every freckle on your face

Some days I'm lonely enough to miss you
Some days I'm free and happy enough to love you
Some days I manifest you
Somedays I know my love can't arrest you
And Mondays are for brooding in despair
Especially when, like clockwork, at 8, I could be there
I won't, I refuse to go
Because you don't show

I got up and started watering the front plants
I got up and started sorting and clearing
I got up and felt the love in my dance
Then I came to understand
It was love for her in your earrings