Pulsing moments.
Repressed attraction.
Years and years of
The sweetest tension.
Welcome back,
I couldn't mention...
I searched in vain.
You were standing here
All along.
I've been a fool.
I've been blind.
My love is yours
And yours is mine.

Friends for twenty years and I was too daft to see.

This guy speaks my love language.

I'm never gonna let him go.

If I could meet you where you are
I'd be there
But I can't
Because I have to meet me where I am

I wish I could look into your eyes again
I really like you so much
But I don't like your friend zone
Goodbye

Everything it was
Or wasn't
Felt like bliss
I've learned my lesson
I know I can't tell you how I feel
But somehow
I hope you know

August 8, 2023
Something clicked
And the floodgates opened
There is one manifestation
I never want
Because
I don't want to change a thing for you
I don't want your life to change for me
Stay where you are
What happens in my dreams
Is my only secret
And I will take it to my grave

I really can't manifest you, can I
I guess at some point I should stop trying
I always get what I want
She said delusionally
Staring at an image of Barbados
Pretending she was there
Instead of here
In a river of tears
Dried
From the long standing drought
In doubt

I can only love him from afar
Will it always be like this
Loving people so out of reach
Stuck dating ones easy to resist
Mistook as someone easy to get
Facing anger when *** I reject
Because I want something real
True and long term
Not something fleeting
This court is adjourned

It took a while
But you captured me
In an astral plane
We cannot be
Stay where you are
In reality
But visit all you like
When I sleep
I'll never tell you
What I've seen
When we travel
In night's dream

Haunted
By my inability
To know intuition
From imagination
I love you..
Too?
See you later

All night long
We were together
In my dreams
Such a splendor
If we came together
In real life
Would I dream about you
Every night?

Standing overlooking nothing
With nothing before me
Everything within my fingertips
Everything I built
Everything I worked for
Standing on the precipe of meaning
And indifference
I miss you
And I wish I had more memories
But it's mostly a blur
Merry christmas
Bah humbug
I lookup at your planes
Your legacy
And me
I meant to get your recipes
It's too late
I will keep going

Maybe it was unrequited love
Maybe it was limmerance
Maybe it was unrequited decency
Maybe you truly are my twin flame
Soul contracted to sleep forever
Maybe you were guilty
Maybe you were innocent
Maybe you gaslit me
Maybe I was a predator
Maybe you are a narcissist
Maybe you are just like me
Good intentioned, misunderstood
Then again the time has come
And I want off that ride

Cuffing season?
Welp my dating season joke just got retired
What is love

Anxious heart palpatations
I don't like this part
I like the part where
A date is set
Or rejection is done
I don't like the
Antici... pation
But maybe you do
Gotta think positive
You lit up when I asked your age
That caught me off guard
People don't usually get excited
To tell someone their age
I am known to read into things
That aren't there
I think that is why
This part is no fun for me
I can't read attraction
I see it when there is none
I think you like me
Catching my eye
From accross the room
Repeatedly
Only time will tell
God I wish I was an empath
Instead of a kind psychopath

I'm anxious as f
Did I throw myself at you
I hope not
Please ask me for a date
I like your hair
I'll get used to your name
Even though right now
It is a ridiculous name
I'm sure you've heard every worn out joke
That could be written with it
I'm so glad
You are young enough for me
My hand felt so nice in yours
I am not sure if we have dance chemistry
I thought so
But my nerves were strong tonight
I have nothing more to say about it
Yay I like someone
Ask me out

Someday
Someone I love
Is going to love me
As much as I love you
And he will wife me the f up
And we will live
In matched effort
Loved ever after

It has been a hard week for me
But you look happy
I am glad
That is wonderful
I love...
Me.

I want to run away from everything
I want to leave it all behind
But I cannot
Because it's all stored in my mind

I gave you s* for being stuck on her for 3 years
Then I got stuck on you for 3 years
At least now I see absolutely no reason why
I should think anything positive about you
Other than to wish you love and prosperity so you'll be happy
But I just want that for everyone

This was not the week to see you.
I am already so emotional.
As it is the 18 year anniversary of my husband's death.
There you are.
Old. A little fat. Balding.
Who am I kidding if you didn't hate me
I would love you forever
F* right the f* off
I deserve to be loved, cherished, and adored
Jah let me forget you

I sing along to
Nirvana's About A Girl
And then I pull in
And see you hanging there
From the balcony
Of our beautfiul home
I try to save you
But it's too late
I unplug you on the sixth
When the doctors
Claim you are brain dead
There is no hope
Then for years
I learn about miracles
Maybe I should have left you plugged in
Maybe I shouldn't have listened
Maybe I destroyed a miracle
Gifted to me from jah
And I will never deserve another miracle
So you died once
Maybe twice
And I died every second
Then every minute
Then every hour
Every day
Until finally
I learned to live in some truncated way
I only die several times a year
Or maybe I just don't count anymore
Because I am accustomed to it now
The loss of a lifetime
The loss of love and marriage
Never remarrying
Never having kids
Dying on the days that remind me of you
Valentines, the day your proposed, the day we married, your birthday, halloween, the days you died, christmas.
I never really live my life to the fullest
I never can
No matter how I try
There is a piece of me you took with you
When you comitted suicide
The piece of me
That wishes
You'd killed me first

What am I seeking
You don't have it

Now that I have finally accepted
You are the one that got away
And I am ready
To find someone new
I just wish
I could still see you
As a beautiful human
As a light onto the world
But I don't
I guess now
I see you how you see me
Irredeemable

I have an easy and effortless healthy love
We are happily married and happily employed
Everyday in everyway we are getting closer together
He loves being married to me

Proposing on one knee
Pulling back the wedding veil
Standing looking through the large windows out over the ocean
Our cars in the driveway
Sitting together on a plane
Walking a red carpet
Surfing, dancing, snuggling
Sitting at the table working through conflict maturely

Maybe I should start drinking again
So I will be attracted enough to people
To settle with someone
Anyone
So I won't be alone for the holidaze
But I don't feel like throwing up
Or begging for my needs to be met
So instead
I will stay sober
And wait until
I am no longer lonely
In just a few minutes

Spill out accross the ether
Like diamonds strewn accross the sky
Two days and three years here
Chasing dreams crossed with lies
Are they lies
Or do they just lie
Sleeping in the starry dust
Of comets sent to only rust
In a vacumnous place
An interspace
Within a black hole
Where I am whole
I just love and long
To heal everyone

Yes I over text
Yes I contact too much
Ok so I am annoying a f
A harraser
But I am never threatening
I would never hurt anyone
I only have good intentions for everyone
I only want everyone clothed, housed, fed
Happy, joyful, free, and fulfilled
So I have anxious attachment of over texting
Compulsive emailing
But I am not jealous or vindictive
I guess my behaivor is naturally controlling
But I try not to be
I try to be accepting and supportive
I am tired of feeling guilty
For being me

I spent a long time
Seeing your goodness
I spent a long time
Blinded by your soul
But your ego
Is stronger
Meaner
Crueler
Excuseless
Judgemental
Blameful
Point the finger at me this lifetime
I hope to never see you again
The love I feel is magical
The hate you embody is avoidable
Stand in your dark corners
In your dark rooms
In your bitterness
Slam doors
Block accounts
Spew b.s. threats
And still
I go on shining
Brighter
Because I
Am worthy
Lovable
Magical
Sparkly
The one you'll never know
Got away

Past the curtains of my guilt and shame
Past the shooting starlight of the twin flame
Past your higher self in all its good
Stands the physical you
Cruelty embodied in every word
You actually said to me

I feel guilty for loving you
I feel shame for loving you
You treated me like loving you was wrong
You treated me like loving you was bad
I came to feel I have been wrong
I came to feel I have been bad
I recognize the mistakes I made
I've taken responsibility for them
I've put in a lot of effort to change
And although I haven't changed very much or very quickly
I will spend the rest of my life working on what was bad and wrong about me
So tell me
Why should I feel guilt and why should I feel shame
Because I dared to love someone
I thought was lovable

Every year on my calendar
I mark this date
Trying to manifest
What felt like fate
Next year I won't
Beacuase I've lost faith
You'll be happy to know
I've forgotten your face
Forgotten the imagination
Of your taste
Lost all desire
To be back in your grace
Next year and moving forward
I'll leave this date blank

Because of you
I am more mindful
I am more self soothing
I am more empathtic
I am more patient
I am more kind
I am more understanding
You forced me
To take my good parts
And enhance them
To illuminate my bad parts
And fix them
Or at least continue to try
As caring is a lifestyle
Communication is a practise
And you're the most positive loss
I ever could have had
Thank you

It is too late
I manifested for years
Nothing changed
He never came
Now
I no longer know
How to lay next to someone
I no longer want
To risk unacceptance
Alone is
So peaceful
I can imagine different
But I can't feel it
You are too late
Which is fine
Because you were never coming
I hope you find someone wonderful to love
I don't really care to stop being alone now
Bodies are hot, sticky, and judgemental
I'll pass
We lived a full life of love
In my imagination

I wish I was my twin flame's twin flame
As far as I can tell
I am not

I miss you
I want nothing more
Than to be in your arms
But I won't tell you
Because of self respect
Or valuing myself
Or some bullshite like that

You asked me to be careful with your heart
As you dated other women
As you critisized so much about me
As you used my past to manipulate me
As you shut me down in conversation
You asked me to be careful with your heart
But you were not careful with mine
This is why
I had to let you go
Because I am not only careful with your heart
I am careful with my own

How.
This has never happened to me before.
I am first best.
I am only best.
What do you mean
There is another woman
That makes no sense
I should have known
When you were
Too good to be true
It isn't
She can have you
I don't want you anymore
Have a happy life
I will return to my lonleyness
Where I am safe
From the confines
Of the *******
We call love

To be my girlfriend you have to do this
And to be my girlfriend you have to do that
To be my girlfriend you have to be this
And to be my girlfriend you have to be that
To be my girlfriend you have to say this
And to be my girlfriend you have to say that
**** it bruh
You have too many hoops
And I am not a trapeze artist

I'm kind of in love with you
And every freckle on your face

Walk through that door
Say empathetic things
Slide me into your arms
Test my resolve

Like a whirlwind
You pulled my emotions
Into the air
But they dropped
Leaving only the debris
Of lost potential

You broke my heart wide open
Now it's just broken

See that chasm?
Let's jump in.
There is love down there.

All the love I had
That smothered you
Was probably just projection
Of how much I love me
Anyway

I spent so much time
Refusing to think about
What I saw in you
That I don't really remember
What I saw in you anymore
You are just a judgemental
Cranky old man

No song
And no poem
No self work
No going within
No amount of
Growth
Therapy
Or success
No high vibes
Self purpose
Happy energy
Hope
Faith
Or manifestation
Nothing
Brings you back to me

You thought I was desperate
I wasn't, I was in love
Deeply, tragically, in love.
All of your negative thoughts about me
Are wrong
Just like all of my positive thoughts about you
You will never understand what you've lost
Just as I will never understand I haven't lost anything

I suppose
If you choose a woman
With my name
You never have to worry
About calling her Nicolle
By mistake

I am so in love with you
I know it's futile
I wish you could reap the benefits
Of the positive changes I have made
For you because of you
But that's okay
I forgive you