I sing along to
Nirvana's About A Girl
And then I pull in
And see you hanging there
From the balcony
Of our beautfiul home
I try to save you
But it's too late
I unplug you on the sixth
When the doctors
Claim you are brain dead
There is no hope
Then for years
I learn about miracles
Maybe I should have left you plugged in
Maybe I shouldn't have listened
Maybe I destroyed a miracle
Gifted to me from jah
And I will never deserve another miracle
So you died once
Maybe twice
And I died every second
Then every minute
Then every hour
Every day
Until finally
I learned to live in some truncated way
I only die several times a year
Or maybe I just don't count anymore
Because I am accustomed to it now
The loss of a lifetime
The loss of love and marriage
Never remarrying
Never having kids
Dying on the days that remind me of you
Valentines, the day your proposed, the day we married, your birthday, halloween, the days you died, christmas.
I never really live my life to the fullest
I never can
No matter how I try
There is a piece of me you took with you
When you comitted suicide
The piece of me
That wishes
You'd killed me first

What am I seeking
You don't have it

Now that I have finally accepted
You are the one that got away
And I am ready
To find someone new
I just wish
I could still see you
As a beautiful human
As a light onto the world
But I don't
I guess now
I see you how you see me
Irredeemable

I have an easy and effortless healthy love
We are happily married and happily employed
Everyday in everyway we are getting closer together
He loves being married to me

Proposing on one knee
Pulling back the wedding veil
Standing looking through the large windows out over the ocean
Our cars in the driveway
Sitting together on a plane
Walking a red carpet
Surfing, dancing, snuggling
Sitting at the table working through conflict maturely

Maybe I should start drinking again
So I will be attracted enough to people
To settle with someone
Anyone
So I won't be alone for the holidaze
But I don't feel like throwing up
Or begging for my needs to be met
So instead
I will stay sober
And wait until
I am no longer lonely
In just a few minutes

Spill out accross the ether
Like diamonds strewn accross the sky
Two days and three years here
Chasing dreams crossed with lies
Are they lies
Or do they just lie
Sleeping in the starry dust
Of comets sent to only rust
In a vacumnous place
An interspace
Within a black hole
Where I am whole
I just love and long
To heal everyone

Yes I over text
Yes I contact too much
Ok so I am annoying a f
A harraser
But I am never threatening
I would never hurt anyone
I only have good intentions for everyone
I only want everyone clothed, housed, fed
Happy, joyful, free, and fulfilled
So I have anxious attachment of over texting
Compulsive emailing
But I am not jealous or vindictive
I guess my behaivor is naturally controlling
But I try not to be
I try to be accepting and supportive
I am tired of feeling guilty
For being me