You stand at an open door
Your future is yours to own
The path to it is yours to walk
But you will never be alone

When you were a tiny baby
I held you safe in my arms
It was easy to protect you
From all life’s ills and harms

Back then you were my world
So precious and so small
Now look at you all grown up
In what seems no time at all

You have listened carefully
To the things I had to say
You’ve learned how to laugh and love
And live life your own way

Know I could not be prouder
For you mean the world to me
But it’s time for me to let you go
Time for me to set you free

If you ever doubt you’re loved
Know this one thing is true
As you step into your future
You will take my heart with you

Twisted on the point of your knife
Bleeding from the gaping wound
Pouring out all I have to give you
Still you crush me into the ground

You burnt a hole through my heart
Consuming everything of me
Killing all hope of happy endings
I forget what it is to be free

Cut to ribbons inside and out
The scars on show for all to see
Yet because I did this to myself
I dare not ask for sympathy

Adrift on a sea of endless hate
I hate myself for accepting you
I hate you for your gift of pain
I hate this life nothing here is true

My soul is more dead than alive
Empty of all significance
I find my way to a private Hell
And now with the Devil I dance

These four walls contain my life
The sum of my hopes and dreams
All looks in shipshape order
But nothing is as it seems

I walked through this door as a wife
Though my marriage was already cold
And yet on the day of my wedding
I thought our love would never grow old

Here I brought up my children
There was laughter mingled with tears
Always something unexpected
As they grew with the passing years

Still inside there was something missing
I filled the emptiness with mistakes
I courted regret and disaster
I spun out of control with no brakes

These four walls became my prison
Kept me trapped in a nightmare land
I caught glimpses of a reality
I could never quite understand

Between the cracks of sanity
I slipped slowly with silent screams
Echoing in an attic darkness
Along ever narrowing beams

I dwelt in the night of my soul
Unable to stretch out a hand
My mind an imploding chaos
My world built only on quicksand

But then came the light of my dawn
Inside my core healing began
The impossible really happens
You have to believe that it can

These four walls contain my memories
The only true life I have known
And it is here I will leave my heart
For a heart makes a house a home

Today I don’t feel like talking
Go away and leave me alone
Don’t even think about calling me
I will refuse to answer the phone

Please don’t make any demands
I find it so hard to say no
It breaks me up if I can’t please
I need the approval to show

People can be so exhausting
Their clamouring I can’t bear
They drain my social battery
And I have no energy to spare

My front door is locked and bolted
The rest of the world can’t get in
I can’t deal with all of the chaos
It puts my head into a spin

No one to question my actions
No one to give unwanted advice
A wall to keep out all emotion
Why would I even think twice

In this agony of silence
I have lost the power of speech
Disconnected from humanity
All help is beyond my reach

I am lost inside my own mind
My only guide is my self doubt
This maze has become my prison
The exit is not my way out

Untethered from your reality
Now I am drowning not waving
Voices screaming inside my head
They tell me I’m not worth saving

And yet deep down in my core
Hides a desperate need to survive
If only I had some strength left
Maybe I’d fight to stay alive

My coffee is growing cold
My meal remains uneaten
My life is falling apart
I know now that I’m beaten

The television hisses
Like me it can’t find a station
Lost on the path of despair
Cut off from a destination

Darkness a cloak of silence
Stifling every sensation
I’m numbed and without purpose
In a world of deprivation

And yet I still hear voices
They scream my desperation
Why is no one listening
Can’t you feel my frustration

My gaze rests on the bottle
Unopened beside my plate
A small but chilling reminder
I’m not in control of my fate

My eyes overflow with tears
The letters dance on the label
I wrestle off the ***** top
And slam it down on the table

My heart begs for an ending
My head for a new beginning
Tossing a coin heads or tails
Life or death which is winning

The rattling spill of pills
The promise of my release
Each a little white miracle
The magical wand of peace

To sleep without the dreaming
To never feel any more pain
Ah such a sweet seduction
Filters its way into my brain

Have I the courage to choose
To stay here another night
Broken into tiny pieces
Or walk away from this fight

The decision is mine to make
I’m not sure that I know how
Outside the dawn is breaking
Today I am alive for now

Tear down the walls of your guilt
You weren't the one who told lies
He charmed you and deceived you
He came like a wolf in disguise

Tear down the walls of your grief
Yes what he did was a shock
But time can be a great healer
You can not turn back the clock

Tear down the walls of your rage
Don’t let your anger back in
That stuff can drive you crazy
That’s how he thinks he can win

Tear down the walls of your hate
It’s time to learn to forgive
You are only hurting yourself
And that is no way to live

Tear down the walls of your doubt
Try to find some self belief
Take back the self assurance
That he took like a cruel thief

Tear down the walls of your pride
Admit that you made a mistake
After all you’re an adult
And that choice was yours to make

Tear down the walls of your pain
Even though he ground you to dust
Not everyone will betray you
Go find someone you can trust

Tear down the walls of your fear
And look everyone in the face
Find the courage to get out there
The world is a beautiful place

See me lie here quietly
The grass cool beneath my back
Watching clouds chased by the breeze
The sun peeping through the cracks

The shafts of sunshine shifting
In patterns of dark and light
Highlighting a world in contrast
One moment black the next so bright

Rays land on petals and leaves
Bright splashes of joyous colour
Spread out on a carpet of green
Waiting to be discovered

The tree that spreads its branches
Softens the sting of the wind
That still has an icy tang
But speaks to the fire within

I hear the river waters
A cascade’s glory unfolds
Flowing across the dark rocks
I feel it call to my soul

Constantly changing and spinning
I find the shapes in the sky
I yearn to join their dances
Before the chance passes me by

I look at their once white faces
Turning quickly to grey and black
I know a storm is coming  
I await its fierce attack

A raindrop trickles down my cheek
A sign there are more to fall
I tilt both my palms upward
Maybe I can catch them all

Strips of burnished lightening
Flash their way across the sky
Thunder grumbles loudly
I wish my heart could fly

There is beauty in the tempest
A wild symphony unchained
I embrace every sweet moment
And dance with joy in the rain

When you look in the mirror
Which face is it that you see
I’ve lost count of the number
You have presented to me

First of all the sweet charmer
Winning me with honeyed words
Until you used them against me
Wielding venom like a sharp sword

Then the turn of the lover
Who promised me Sun and Moon
Then carelessly betrayed me
My heart won’t heal anytime soon

The victim your next flight of fancy
Some how I’d done you such wrong
I was quite shocked and surprised
Your list of my sins was so long

The cheat, liar, deceiver
Your life an artful pretence
Speaking an insincere sorry
As if that was any defence

A practiced and wolfish smile
That never quite reaches your eyes
The devil is in your detail
A cunning and clever disguise

Well I can tell you who I see
A man who admits no mistake
A talent for self deception
A man forever on the fake

The night is serene and still
The moon a crescent sliver
The darkly deep blue sky
Dotted with silvery stars  
Sparkling with icy clarity
Through the closed window

I watch the snow falling
The streetlight reflects ice blue
Twinkling on the fat flakes
As they float feather like
Dancing briefly
Twisting and turning
They are caught by gusts
Of chilly winter wind

The ground is covered now
A coolly smooth surface
Untroubled by human touch
That is yet to come
Foot prints left as boots crunch
Across the frosty expanse

But they are not the first
To break that pristine beauty
Little clawed bird hops
Followed by cat paw prints
Somewhere red will stain the white
Somewhere there is an ending

Here too an end must come
An end to the old year
I wait to hear the midnight bells
That will mark this passage
Between two years
The old and the new

Last year you were still with me
This year you are gone
I feel that pain the pain of loss
I feel my tears salty and warm
Trickling down my cheeks
And I see my heart bleeding
Leaving its own red stain
On the mists of time

Parties there are plenty
Singing of Auld Lang Syne
Glasses raised to cheer in
The start of a new year
A new beginning
A slate wiped clean
The promise that is hope
That this year will the the one
Where all dreams come true

I began the old year with you
I begin the new one without you
I hear an echo from past years
Will this be my new beginning
Will my dreams all come true
Out in the dark may be my answer
Floating with the snowflakes
And sparkling with the stars

I walk in the land of the ******
Over hot coals burning with fire
A black hearted witch my mother
A hell spawned demon my sire

I whisper in unkind melodies
Friends and families to divide
Causing a lifetime of conflict
I walk invisible by your side

I steal into the dark corners
Of minds sleeping unaware
Planting the seeds of nightmares
Of stress of worry of care

I tell the suffering addict
That just one more will be fine
Pushing without any mercy
Until they cross that last line

I lead the depressed and grieving
Down into the depths of hell
They beg for the hurting to end
To hear death’s final knell

I pause by the ill and the dying
To give them false hope of release
Knowing that in their last moments
I will steal from them any peace

Yes my eyes will tear your soul
Carving it up into shreds
My bile fills each tiny breach
Till the poison invades your head

But to name me is to know me
To give you a demon to fight
To claim back your soul and reason
The name you call me is Spite

Staring out of the window
My head pressed against the glass
Alive and yet not quite aware
As the countryside flies past

The faint smell of filter coffee
Drifts to me from a paper cup
Reminding me to drink it
In the effort to wake myself up

Green fields blend into grey houses
With poppies for red punctuation
Brakes screech like orphan seagulls
Doors open in anticipation

People off then people on
In near perfect orchestration
Madly scrambling for a seat
As the train departs the station

Time to seek some brief comfort
Behind mobile screen or book
Face that says leave me alone
If anyone chooses to look

Glad that I’m not standing up
Trying to find space in the crowd
To keep the world at a distance
No interaction allowed

I endure the morning torture
That’s known as a daily commute
But living life this way
Seriously does not compute

I’d rather stand by the ocean
Feeling the wind caress my face
Toes in the water sun on my back
I am happy in this place

In that moment of peace
Freedom stretches out a hand
And I walk towards the sunset
Leaving only footprints in the sand

Standing on the bridge of forever
Caught between future and past
In one brief moment of stillness
Wondering how long it can last

The dying echo of footsteps
The distance between here and there
Measuring out infinity
Though I think I no longer care

Once I dared to reach for the moon
I believed it within my grasp
Pride earned me my fall from grace
I hurtled down in a painful gasp

I looked up to the stars above me
As I felt my despair set in
The landing a sharp agony
The reward for my life of sin

I am staring out over the edge
To the mysteries swirling below
My question thrown into the depths
An answer I’d rather not know

I strain to hear even a whisper
Back to my desperate prayer
Some sign I am not forgotten
That someone is listening out there

How many ways could this go
Balanced here not knowing my fate
Do I drown in the fires of hell
Or can I unlock heaven’s gate

I can sense a soft scented breeze
A downbeat of angels wings
My moment is one of redemption
And deep inside I feel my soul sing

Today I feel so alone
I don’t know what I should do
To stop my life from hurting
My heart is breaking in two

You don’t understand why would you
How rejected some of us feel
We were never in with the in crowd
That isn’t part of our deal

Such smiley happy people
Laughing and having their fun
I’m here dying in the shadows
While they have their day in the sun

Jealous no I don’t think so
More a crushing sense of guilt
Wondering what I did wrong
And why no friendship was built

I made the gestures I could
But I don’t find that easy to do
What seems impossible for me
Seems oh so simple for you

I know we all have our problems
Believe me that I don’t forget
People make their own choices
That’s something I have to accept

But it doesn’t stop it hurting
When you are left out again
Like some rusty old toy
Not brought in from the rain

Why oh why am I crying
Tears from deep down in my soul
I wonder if I will ever feel loved
And will I ever be whole

Maybe it makes me remember
Being a frightened lonely child
Unable to comprehend
Why I couldn’t win her smile

Lost in permanent limbo
No one to soothe or to care
Not knowing how I could live
Or even if I dared

So next time you raise a glass
At some jolly party or do
Check who wasn’t included
They might be needing you

Time is but a random collection of moments
Scattered across the vastness of the universe
Brilliant motes of cosmic dust dance
Rippling in time to the music of the spheres
The delicate touch of mortal memory
Stitching the tiny sparkling particles together
To create the tapestry of the past and future
The past we leave behind but do not reject
For it has taught us how to transform
The future an unknown territory
For spiritual souls in human bodies
All we truly have is now this instant
The present the gift of the universe
Time to be to ground to grow strong
Breathe it in slowly take it to your heart
Let it embrace you with peace and serenity
Let the light surround you and protect you
From the darkness creeping abroad in our world
The spite that whispers in hidden corners
A bilious susurration of winged demons
The evil that would steal your freedom
Break your spirit force your compliance
Bind you with chains of fear and hatred
Until your vibration is lowered and you fail
Your wings broken your light dimmed
Take courage for that is not your future
The great awakening is becoming
Likeminded souls are channelling light
Drawing energy from distant planes
To bring love and healing to our own
Never forget that you are a child of the universe
You are the light in the darkness
You are the wellspring of hope
You are compassion and forgiveness
And while you exist only in the present
You are the future just as you have been the past
So unfurl your wings and fly free

Free my soul to drift on the wind
To tumble like an autumn leaf
Spinning hues of russet and lemon
Lazy hints of lingering green
Cartwheeling with my partners
In a glorious dance of celebration
Twisting and turning into the final free fall
To carpet the Earth beneath your feet

Free my soul to drizzle like the rain
Seeping gently from grey clouds
Crying out the tears of human woe
Washing away the pain
Washing away the suffering
Evaporating like mist in the sunshine
Leaving behind only hope
The promise that a new dawn brings

Free my soul to roll on the waves
Surfing the foam tipped crests
Crashing wildly into the troughs
Diving down into the depths
To rise once more ever restless
Swirling in eddies on an unknown shore
A distant place of comfort
Where I can at last find peace

Free my soul to fly alongside the birds
Spreading out feathered wings
Riding the unruly air currents
Swooping and soaring poetry in motion
Scanning the ground beneath for prey
Seeking a mate to ease the loneliness
Seeking a tree to build our nest
And raise our own young

Free my soul to run with the wolves
Deep into the pinewood forest
Darkness thickening around us
Waiting with breath baited hearts pounding
Blood calling out wildly to blood
Thrumming through each vein
Howls torn deep from within
As the full moon rises above us

Free my soul to walk among the stars
To wander the edge of far off galaxies
Keeping time to an eternal rhythm
The beat of a different drum in my ears
Haunted by the music of the spheres
Riding a ribbon of moonlight
Scattering stardust in my wake
Finding my freedom in the vastness of space

Why did I give you my trust
Why did you take it from me
I paid a very dear price
For the gift you got for free

You came in the clothes of a sheep
A deceptively clever disguise
Crafted with cunning and guile
The wolf underneath a surprise

Yes to my face you were kind
You wore the mask of a friend
I thought you cared about me
But no it was all pretend

Just like a vile spitting cat
That hurts without using claws
You spewed poison and hate
About me behind closed doors

Who knows what went through your head
When you were concocting your lies
I was never a threat to you
It hurts to see me through your eyes

Why do you feel no guilt
For all the pain that you caused
Nothing in your behaviour
Seems to have made you pause

I did not deserve your hate
All I wanted was a quiet life
To find joy and fulfilment
Not this bitterness and strife

In this world you are a hunter
Always seeking out fresh prey
Toxic right down to the core
All goodness eaten away

Be careful how you go now
And listen to what I say
Maybe change that behaviour
Before everyone walks away

Time floats across the sky
Trailing a ribbon of stars
In its wake
I clutch at the ribbon
Breathe in the silver dust
Hoping for a solution
In my eternal dance
Twisting and turning
To a silent beat
Escaping the past
Chasing the future
Missing the present
I can’t undo the ribbon
Tied by time around
The gift of this moment
Not in my universe does
Silver star magic
Open the time portal
Try as I might
I am anchored by twin chains
Mistakes of the past
Twisted links of shame and guilt
Fear of the future
Of losing my dreams
Of losing myself
No stability to tie me to now
A battleground of instincts
Restless and discontent
Watching through
the bottom of a glass
As time floats across the sky

Dust clouds puff up from beneath my feet
As I trudge the road towards my destiny
Into the future long and straight
Beyond all horizons it stretches
No room to deviate from the path
One false step invites the abyss
My heart is heavy my body weary
My bored mind chases the tumbleweed

Wait what is that distant sound on the wind
Music bright and cheerful leaping notes
Mingling with the song of laughing voices
Light spills out spreading joy on the stone
A sparking trail of golden breadcrumbs
Luring the tired traveller inwards
With the promise of the instant gratification
Of every whim known to man

The door swings open at my touch
I clutch eagerly at the outstretched hand
That twirls me into an enthralling dance
The charming stranger with flashing eyes
And an enchanting smile pulls me to him
The music ever louder ever wilder
Mesmerises me catching me in its web
I am lost in the dream drunk on the thrill

A patchwork chaos of images
Flickers in front of my shifting gaze
My feet cannot keep time to his melody
His demands exceed my human frame
Is there fire in those eyes horns on that head
The dance floor begins to dissolve in flame
Smoke drizzles upwards to cloud my vision
With one desperate snap I break his hold

I awake to a misty grey dawn
My body slumped stiff and sore
On the icy cold paving stones
But I lift my head to greet the day
Grateful for the breath in my lungs
The tears on my cheeks
The freedom in my heart
The solid road beneath me

A close escape a disaster averted
A lesson marked and learned
If you choose to dance with the devil
You will surely wind up in hell

How hard it is to let you go
Though I sense that it is time
I have to stop pretending
That it’s going to be fine

I want for you to wake up
To smile with us and laugh
To tell us all your stories
To share jokes with the staff

My mind drifts back to happy days
As I sit here by your side
The times we spent together
How we laughed and how we cried

I remember what you taught me
To hold my head up high
To be the best that I can be
To look the world in the eye

You have been my refuge
When life caused me to frown
You were always there for me
You never let me down

I can’t bear for you to leave
Now the hour has come to part
I’m not sure I can bear the pain
That I know will break my heart

But I feel deep down inside me
That your soul seeks it release
And now that your God has called you
You will know eternal peace

Time does not stand still
Ever moving ever changing
Sweeping some of us forward
Onward into what is future
Breathless with excitement
The unknown what will be
Beckons with a moving hand
That slides silently across
The face of anticipation
Perhaps leaving others behind
Fixed in the static past
Never again to push through
The barrier of transformation
To find freedom or release
The opaque veil drawn across
In an ultimate finality
The sand in the hourglass
Slips through the waist like gap
Grain follows grain a steady flow
Measuring the moments
Between that which was
And that which has become
A process of translation
Decoding the events of the past
Transmuting them into wisdom
A journey linear in experience
But made cyclical in its intent
By each lonely repetition
Caught in the gap
Between old and new
Frozen balanced on the precipice
Too afraid to pull back
Too afraid to move on
My soul asks why but there is no answer
To the question echoing silently
Across the vast chasm
Desperation reverberates
I stare into the abyss
Sensing it waits to claim me
I have reached the jumping off point
I defy the abyss and reach out
Grasping the hand of hope
Allowing it to guide me
As the wheel turns once again

Cold it’s so cold out here outside
In the atmosphere of icy isolation
The exile an inevitable consequence
Of a life built on dishonesty
Each tiny falling snowflake
A reminder of past mistakes
I catch them as they drift downwards
If only the memories would melt as easily
Icicles poised to pierce the lie
If I should dare to utter it
In a brazen moment of self denial
Of the life of deceit I have been living
Body shaking world shaking
Shivering denizen of nightmare
Thin layers of reality no protection
Against the demons stalking my sanity
Along these deserted alleyways
Claws ready to shred my soul
Exposing the rotten core to the chill
Feasting gluttonously on the fear
Never to be sated
It will never be enough

Light there is light up ahead
Seeping out onto the street
Frosty cobblestones sparkling
Reflecting back the starry points
A rainbow concealing a *** of hope
That spills out into the mist
What stops me from picking up that hope
And tucking it into my coat pocket
Safely stowed for the future
Precious protection from my misery
Windows with opaque glass
Divided by dark leaded lines
Tall imposing red brick walls
Patterned with black beams
A wooden door studded with wrought iron
Invite me to share the comforting warmth within
But my frozen hand cannot turn the handle
An alien stranger vacuum sealed
Trapped in a foggy miasma of pain
Unable yet to grasp her freedom
Cut off from a happiness
She does not yet desire or deserve

Yes Christmas is coming
There is no escaping that
So please can you put a penny
In the poor old man’s hat

This quiet soul is starving
The government stole his pension
But he worked hard all his life
That never gets a mention

The MPs in Westminster
Drinking their cheap champagne
Vote to strip you of your rights
And make us all slaves again

But lo fear not one and all
For now Brexit will be done
And future generations
Are going to have some fun

We will be taking back control
Oh what a clever ploy
But control is only for the rich
The rest will be destroyed

The Christmas bells they ring out
But their message goes unheard
Please look after the weakest
And please yes feed the world

Outside the snow is falling
And I can’t hear any jingling bells
There is but a bleak midwinter
As our country goes to hell

So if you haven’t got a penny
I hope God will bless you
But if you want your pennies back
Then next time don’t vote blue.

My body is growing cold
My blood thickens in my veins
My heart is no longer beating
I have taken my last breath
My brief span in this moment is complete
This human vessel of flesh and bone
Has served out its earthly purpose
The passage of linear time has taken its toll
Old now and weary of living
An existence weighed down with pain
It is ready at last to be returned
To the universe that gave it life
As each atom slowly dissipates
My mortal soul is translated
Poured into the dish of immortality
Sharing the sum of my experience
Spinning spiralling singing
Reunited with the choir of the spheres
Part of a greater whole
Reshaped and remade into a new energy
So until the cycle of life begins again
Do not mourn my passing
For I am always with you
I am in the leaf you catch in your hand
In the snowflake that melts on your face
In the wind that ruffles your hair
Till the instant I am chosen to be a new life
Reborn anywhen in the time stream

Adrift in a new reality
Slowly I’m losing my grip
A demon sits on my shoulder
Waiting for my guard to slip

The dark of evil surrounds me
Painting a nightmare land
Spreading doom and disaster
With a cruel uncaring hand

Quenching the fire in my soul
With a steady flow of hate
Beating me into submission
Until accept my fate

Robbing my heart of love
Until I have nothing to give
Empty devoid of emotion
I have no reason to live

Calling to my deepest fears
Whispering in tones of spite
Driven to the edge of reason
I have no weapons to fight

Gone astray in my crazy head
No one comes when I shout
I can’t find the exit sign
Trapped here with no way out

Losing any will to live
Numbness seeps into in my limbs
I can’t hold out any longer
Is this how my death begins

No pills or ***** will aid me
Blank out your damning refrain
But if I name you my demon
I will find respite from pain

So I will seek out your name
To know you is to beat you
The knowing will set me free
To myself I can now be true

Hey you there you’re supposed to care
Sign my petition donate to my cause
How can you ignore the plight of the innocent
You have so much to be grateful for
You must feed all the starving
You must clothe all the poor
You must heal all the sick
You must fight for peace in war torn lands
You must save our plant
This is your moral imperative
Act always for the common good
Feel the weight of your good fortune
Carry the boulder of received guilt
On shoulders already bowed and bent
How dare you talk of your own needs
When you already have so much

Headline news! Headline news!
‘Social media trolls greet the death
Of unvaccinated people with jubilant celebration, as if they themselves never made
A bad judgment call.’
Says it all about the sick world we live in.
May all the departed rest in peace’
How did it come to this
How did we reach compassion overwhelm
When did caring become an expectation
A denial of individual freedom
A denial of the suffering of some
Because it is not the right suffering
I want to care I really do
I love our beautiful world and her people
But I am powerless to save them all

In the end we all live in pain
It comes in all shapes and sizes
So don’t cry for me and I won’t cry for you
Love me and I will love you back
With simple acts of kindness
We will find a way to endure
We will go on on with our lives
We will heal and grow stronger

Crazy the world has gone crazy
The boundaries of normality
Pushed back by painful inches
Until the greedy mile is taken
The water has warmed
One degree at a time
To boil the unwary frog

Looking back who knew
That this is where it would end up
Gradual descent down
The ***** of complacency
Ask no questions obedient acceptance
Freedom bargained for
the illusion of safety

Gaslight creeps across the globe
Country to country
Bringing chaos in its wake
Manifestations of fear come
Knocking on door of sanity
No peace for the good
Prey for the wicked

My gaze unyielding
I look without hesitation
Into the reflections
Of my own darkness
Rejecting those demons
That have grown too comfortable
In my head

There be dragons
Lurking in the unknown
Territory uncharted
Set adrift without a roadmap
Look the new normal in the eye
Stare it down with confidence
Reclaim my freedom

There’s a present I can’t wrap
With my love so carefully
A present you will never open
That I can’t leave beneath our tree

There is no cheery message
In a card I won’t get to write
A bit of joy that I can’t give
To you on Christmas night

Now that you have left my life
Things will never be the same
I can’t simply pick up the phone
And hear you speak my name

You won’t say Merry Christmas
Or wish me Happy New Year
My heart feels sad and empty
Now you are no longer here

Today I can’t stop crying
You helped when things were rough
This first Christmas without you
I didn’t know it would be so tough

The year outside is dying
The wind howls and hurls rain
Inside I grieve to lose you
I’m not sure I can bear the pain

Yes I have happy memories
I can find some comfort there
Your life was worth the living
Though to part still seems unfair

I want God to give you back
I want you here with me
But you are always in my heart
And your soul can now fly free

Name it princess he said
Anything your heart desires
I will gift it to you
Because your desires
Are my desires
I am yours to command
If you want strawberries in winter
Plump with spring rain
Blushing with summer sun
Spilling out sweet juice
They are yours
If you want crisp cool ice
Jagged edges melting smooth
Droplets spiking warm skin
In the summer heat
It is yours all yours
I will pluck the moon
From the dark midnight
So you may bathe
In its reverent glow
And scatter a carpet
Of stars at your feet
So that their light
May worship you as I do
In all your resplendent glory
Goddess of the night
I will kneel before you
My only aim to please you
He whispers it to her
In honeyed tones golden and sweet
Pouring out seductive persuasion
I will gift it to you
Anything your heart desires
Name it princess he said

I desire to be loved she said
Loved beyond measure and imagining
Never to be abandoned or betrayed
Make me your goddess
Put me on the highest of pedestals
So high only you can reach
For I am yours alone
Fetch me the world
And spread it before me
Let the feast of adoration begin
Squander every moment
To ensure my happiness
To ensure my security
Fix me she begged
And I will fix you in return
Every broken piece of us
Will be gathered together
And mended with pure gold
So much more now
Than it ever was
I will bend myself into any shape
If that is your wish
Your happiness is my happiness
Colour my reality with a rainbow
So it is no longer beige
Dull and unfulfilling
Thrill me and enthrall me
Ride the rollercoaster of excitement
Imprison me in exhilaration
So that I never feel lonely again
Reassure me constantly that I am
Never to be abandoned or betrayed
Loved beyond measure and imagining
I desire to be loved she said

The world of codependence
A fantasy land of unboundaried desire
She the prey he the hunter
She vulnerable a victim of self deceit
He attuned to the vulnerability
Faking a future that will never be
And so infinitely plausible to her
Until the day she realises
She has been betrayed
It was nothing but a cruel sham
A cunning construct
To imprison her in her desires
His poison seeps into her bones
Stealing away her peace
Her head a battleground for her instincts
Where her fear and rage run wild
Anger blazes deep within her
White hot showering sparks
Reaching into corners
That are better left in darkness
Thinking thoughts she never knew
She could begin to shape
Driving her to places from
Which escape did not seem possible
Destroying her fragile sanity
Destroying who she thought she was
Until the day she cried enough
I am not a victim I am not your prey
This toxic desire is not for me
I need healthy boundaries
I reject the world of codependence
I do not fear being alone
I will find my happiness within
I am always enough

Untethered

Today I don’t feel like talking
Go away and leave me alone
Don’t even think about calling me
I will refuse to answer the phone

Please don’t make any demands
I find it so hard to say no
It breaks me up if I can’t please
I need the approval to show

People can be so exhausting
Their clamouring I can’t bear
They drain my social battery
And I have no energy to spare

My front door is locked and bolted
The rest of the world can’t get in
I can’t deal with all of the chaos
It puts my head into a spin

No one to question my actions
No one to give unwanted advice
A wall to keep out all emotion
Why would I even think twice

In this agony of silence
I have lost the power of speech
Disconnected from humanity
All help is beyond my reach

I am lost inside my own mind
My only guide is my self doubt
This maze has become my prison
The exit is not my way out

Untethered from your reality
Now I am drowning not waving
Voices screaming inside my head
They tell me I’m not worth saving

And yet deep down in my core
Hides a desperate need to survive
If only I had some strength left
Maybe I’d fight to stay alive

Imposing double gates
From a time long past
Wrought in iron
To tall sharp points
And intricate curlicues
Black paint peeling
Away in layers
Revealing the grey
Of the metal beneath
Coated with rust
That stains my hand
The colour of old blood
As I push them open
To the sound of hinges
Echoing with a creak through
The cobbled courtyard

Uneven the stones
Beneath my tired feet
Damp and mossy
I tread carefully forward
Into the silence
It crushes me
With the weight of centuries
Tree branches guard chiselled stones
Testaments to the dead
Measures of lives
Well lived on this Earth
Messages of love
Tokens of grief and loss
Fading soon to dust
Where they were laid
But the memories never die

I hesitate briefly gazing upward
At the church
Timeless in its purpose
A crenellated clock tower
Gold hands on black face
Marking the passage of the hours
And once upon a time
Its bell tolled with solemn intent
Inviting all to pray together
Thick solid walls crafted from
Stone hewn from local quarries
Rough once now weathered
Standing the test of the years
Untroubled by change
The desertion to the secular life
Nor yet by men’s wars


Gargoyles captured mid cackle
Cavort near the roof top
Brandishing pitchforks
Grotesque misshapen bodies
Ugly of face and nature
Demons waiting to trap
The unwary sinner
With silken promises
Whispered in dulcet tones
But poised in anticipation of
Leading him down to hell
Down the wide road
Paved with good intentions
Ignoring the narrower path
Down to eternal torment
In the fiery pit

I stand at the door wooden studded
I turn the ring of iron
Opening it slowly inward
Inside pews and pulpit
Carefully carved of dark wood
Worn gently smooth in places
By humans kneeling at their prayers
I kneel down here like those before me
Memorials to the nobility of the Parish
Etched in the stone at my feet
And now sunlight spills softly
Through windows of stained glass
Casting multicoloured shadows
Here in this atmosphere of peace
My fear dissipates
And I feel miracles can happen

Here the blank sheet of paper
Stubbornly it remains empty
Pristine slightly off white lined
Waiting for a word or twenty

White the shade of nothingness
Can not pique my interest
If it wanted to entice
It has surely failed the test

Perhaps if it were softly blue
And with pretty flowers edged
From my lazy hazy head
A few lines might be dredged

Possibly a shade of pink
Suits my mood a little better
Tempting thoughts out of my head
But I can’t form a single letter

All the colours of the rainbow
Could explode before my eyes
Still my pen will lie untouched
No poem will be my prize

Yet many ideas are swirling
Desperate to be expressed
Jostling for my attention
Each one claiming they’re the best

I can sense letters fighting
Tumultuous in their rage
Waiting for me to unfurl
Their shapes across the page

Spiky harsh consonants
With soft round vowels vying
To turn into this poets words
Write me first they are crying

All at once I seek some order
My mind must be organised
But each time I succeed in this
I still find myself surprised

The dance of inspiration
Draws with a flourish to its end
One idea has crystallised
And this poet grasps her pen

Money why does the concept of money exist
Why did it replace bartering for what you need
Swapping wheat for apples that’s simple and honest
Each person is happy with the result

Money why do we need it at all
It complicates our transactions
Leaves them open to deception and fraud
No one is content with the outcome

Why do we use tokens instead of goods or services
Who decides the worth of the tokens
Why do we jealously hoard and protect our tokens
When they have only a perceived value

Money why do we struggle to accumulate it
To achieve some measure of financial freedom  
Only to see it come crashing down
Due to artificial revaluation of the tokens

Money is not the root of all evil it’s greed
The billionaires who want to dominate
To use their hoarded tokens to control
The lives of those they consider less than

Money another illusion of the matrix
Another link in the chain of enslavement
Work because Arbeit macht frei
And it’s all for the common good

Cash is king in my world today
Physical tokens for when digital inevitably fails or is not accepted
An untracked untraced transaction
Not true freedom but enough for now

Life is measured in moments
In every breath that I take
The choices and decisions
That I find so tough to make

The fear that will hold me back
And keep me stuck in one place
Because I know deep inside me
There’s a future too hard to face

The fear of leaving childhood
And entering an adult world
Behind me lies the playtime
Of being a little girl

The fear of expectation
To meet predestined goals
To dance to another’s tune
Knowing that it kills my soul

The fear of giving up my dreams
Of the person I could become
All stifled with these few words
I know best because I’m your mum

Knowing when to say goodbye
To accept that things must change
Nothing stays the same forever
To admit that feels so strange

Life is measured in heartbeats
In every step that I take
A sure and certain knowledge
That I will make more mistakes

The fear of having to move on
Of the demons I must fight
The struggle for serenity
That keeps me awake at night

The fear of having to let you go
Though I know that it is time
The painful understanding
You weren’t meant to be mine

The fear of feeling lonely
When my children have all gone
The nest is quiet and empty
It no longer seems like home

The fear of a loved one’s passing
That our ending will come soon
I sit here in the darkness
My heart crying out to the moon

Knowing when to say goodbye
To accept it’s time to part
The hardest lesson of life
How to heal a broken heart

If I could fly in my mind’s eye
I’d dance through the air
And I’d do it with flair
Living my dream or so it seems
I would travel far and wide
I would fly with you at my side
Side by side we would glide
Leave behind this world so rotten
All our cares and woes forgotten
Off we go wings beating slow
Reaching up into the sky
Now we are soaring so high
Flight so proud above the clouds
To the heavens we go
The earth left far below
Into the sun a journey begun
Far across hill and dale
And the sea where ships sail
Oh how we twirl oh how we swirl
Frozen here in time
One moment sublime
Under our wings the air sings
The wind drives us higher
Our souls are on fire
Faster the pace faster we race
Feeling the joy of our flight
We fly onward till night
Time to rest the body knows best
What a day we have seen
What places we’ve been
Oh if I could fly in my minds eye
I’d leave here forever
For the land of never

Glimmers - those tiny moments in each day that bring joy, peace, happiness or gratitude.
Moments frozen in time and space that sometimes seem to last forever but are less than a heartbeat.
The first conscious breath in the morning, filling my lungs and being thankful for the life I live.
The joyful glimpse of sunlight on the curtains promising a beautiful day.
The smell of my morning cup of coffee anticipating with a smile the first luxurious sip as I snuggle back under the duvet for a while feeling at peace.
The crunch of buttery toast salty and warm exciting the taste buds.
The sound of the sea as the waves ebb and flow across the sand of the beach.
The bubbling of the brook across the pebbles under the bridge as I stand admiring the beauty of the land.
The soft tapping of rain on the window soothing it calms my racing brain.
The laughter of my grandchildren; their presence a reminder of when my own children were small but life was too hurried to appreciate their innocence and growing. A love revisited and felt all over again.
The first brush stroke on the canvas a new painting begun an expression of colour and light unfurling.
The first word of a poem on the page a signal to the subconscious; I don’t know where this journey will end.
A liquid gold sunset fading into peach and lilac across the hills.
The glimmers : the unexplained small miracles; the moments of magic that leave me feeling at one with my world.

The rainbow that sweeps across my sky
Piercing the swirls of luminous grey cloud
The coloured arc that shines radiantly
Through the droplets of falling rain
The calm that seeps in after the tempest
Spreading a sense of peace and serenity
That’s because of you my haven and my harbour
My place of safety from life’s storms

When the flames of my anger
Grow hot and burn fiery red
Your cool breath on my heart
Steadies the raging beat

Juicy oranges you bring me
Fresh and sweetly tasting
Loaded with vitamin C
To help keep me healthy

Warm and softly golden yellow
You are my daily dose of sunshine
Protecting me from the cold
Ensuring I am wrapped in love

My green green grass of home
My place of ease and comfort
It’s no greener on the other side
So I’ll stay here on this side with you

When I feel like singing the blues
Because life has lost its harmony
You are always there for me
Soothing me with your touch

Indigo not blue not violet
But a shade that’s inbetween
Some days I live in the inbetween
Waiting for you in my dreams

Amethyst stones in tones of purple
Bunches of fragrant violets
Gifts for a February birthday
Given and received with love

The rainbow that fades across my sky
Dispelling the swirls of luminous grey cloud
The coloured arc that vanishes
Along with the droplets of autumn rain
No longer do I reap the tempest
For in my head and heart there is peace  
Because I found you my haven and my harbour
My place of safety from life’s storms

The child hides alone in her room
All snuggled safe and warm
Duvet pulled tight around her
She won’t come to any harm

Quickly as the daytime fades
Her eyes dart around the room
Each corner checked for shadows
That might be lurking in the gloom

At first she spies her bookshelf
Her books are treasured friends
Holding the key to her escape
To a place where heartache ends

The wardrobe tall and wooden
Stands next to the window seat
Where she sits in the moonlight
Tuned in to her heart beat

Often she will shed a tear
For a pain she can’t understand
She will never ask for help
There is no one to take her hand

Blinds are closed now door is shut
She won’t let the outside in
The outside makes her anxious
That’s where her problems begin

The world beyond is hostile
Every sense is on alert
To guard against her nightmare
The fear of getting hurt

This room is her sanctuary
It’s her safest place to be
A haven from all her troubles
The one place she can feel free

The adult she has become
Still needs a place she can hide
A place of calm and comfort
A retreat from what’s outside

A place to bathe in moonlight
That shines down in silver streams
The moon guards all her secrets
As she wanders in her dreams

Under her feet the autumn leaves
Crunch brittle and lifeless
Their majesty of russet and gold
Trampled into the soggy clay

The trees now stripped and sorrowful
Reach their branches skyward
In resentful supplication desperate
To recover their lost glory

The drizzle a fine haze over the hills
Slowly seeps into the bones of her
Leaving a damp sheen on her hair
That catches the radiance of the moon

Soft waves of mist roll across the track
Pooling around her ankles
In an eerie dance smooth and subtle
Moving in rhythm with her footsteps

Shadows join the mournful swirl
Cast blackly along her path
Streaks of bleak darkness
Created suddenly by the moonlight

The wind ruffles through her hair
Whispering words of encouragement
Almost as if it would comfort her
Give some solace to her soul

The harvest moon hangs huge and ******
Against the distant horizon
Guardian of the traveller
On her solitary nighttime quest

She trudges along the trail
No thought of glancing behind her
Willingly following where it leads
Through the wood and up into the hills

On the hilltop she stands in the silence
Gazing upwards to the star filled heavens
Her heart is full of wonder
She dare not disturb the woodland spirits

And yet in that heart there is a wish
A wish that remains unspoken
But she prays to the moon and stars
To the forest nymphs that it be granted

She bows her head in gratitude
As the wind caresses her skin
Her heart is joyful in this timeless moment
Knowing that her message has been heard