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Clara Oswin Jul 2014
Such a compelling urge
To walk the path of self destruction
It is that feeling you get
When your rent is due in a week
And you still don't have the cash
For the third month straight
That force that drives men
To fight for their families
Three thousand miles away
That causes missionaries
To die for their cause
It is reckless abandonment
Of safety and well being
As the needle keeps calling
Or the bottle or the brothel
And you tell yourself:
One last time
Tonight will be the last
Because your heart is racing
Like a train full speed
And one drop will calm you down
And one cut can't hurt
And you'll stop some other time
When it's less stressful
When school is over
When he comes home
But it never ends
This is a vicious cycle that tears
Your heart and rips your veins
It seeps into your skin
And nests in your skull
It is an invisible parasite
Feeding on everything important
Until at last
You wither away
Clara Oswin Jun 2014
I want to take the darkness away
My hands throb with the wish
To rest upon the ground and
Absorb the loneliness from this earth
The light still casts to many shadows
For my sensitive eyes to see
I wan't to cast out the darkness
And give unto you beauty
You are much to young
To feel such pain
But life is not a wish granting factory
And the tears still stream down your face
I want to take back the burns on your thighs
I want to scream until the wind returns your laugh
I made a wish on a dandelion today
That you could find happiness
And i blew as hard as i could
Clara Oswin Jun 2014
I wanted to take all of the darkness out of your life
And transform it into something beautiful
So i traveled to all the bookstores i could find
And googled spells to banish darkness

Your spirit sat in melancholy as i poured over words
I whispered prayers to whatever deity there may be
And questioned how far i would go for you
As i pricked my skin and abandoned my life

What a strange thing it was to find coming home
That you had decayed into an emptied shell
For as i was trying to find out how to fix you
You had fallen apart because of a cureable loneliness
Clara Oswin Jun 2014
Anorexia is a demon
An angel wrapped in a shroud of darkness
It starts out slowly
Restricting a bit
Chewing 32 times before swallowing
Writing down the foods that you eat
Then she knows you're falling
Maybe you should start skipping lunch
Did you really just snack?
Your insides become an empty cavern as she makes her home in your lungs
That overwhelming guilt
When you reach inside the bag of Doritos
And you want to cry because it's all you have to eat today
No she screams
And you obey because you don't know what else to do
And your sinking in this abyss of loneliness
She makes it better, she makes you feel so free
You think you may collapse from love
Stupid cow
Feel the fat swim around your tummy, thighs, ribs
And you feel so strong when you can go
16, 24, 48 hours
Without so much as a cough drop hitting your stomach
And the empty echo of your stomach feels like comfort
Even though it hurts
She took over my mind and ever since then i have been trying to get it back
My sanity, my personality, my happiness
The light has gone out and i stare at pictures of me
The emptiness behind these dark brown eyes is unbearable
I thought this would make me undefeatable
But i feel more guilty than before
This didn't make me strong, this crushed me more than i thought anything could
Clara Oswin Jun 2014
My test results came back saying you've crawled into my veins. You've imprinted your name upon my heart and broke me apart in the process.
**** breathing is so hard when your chest is being crushed by loneliness.
This thing that consumes me is incorrigible and inhumane. And unspeakable evil that pulls at my stomach until i collapse.
I swear when you told me you loved me i fell.
And i am so scared of hitting the ground.
Clara Oswin Jun 2014
I cannot promise that i will never hurt you
For i know there will be times when i **** up
And shatter the heart of the boy who lives in mine
I cannot promise that i will never hurt myself because
I am not strong, even with the love you pour into my soul
As much as i would love to i cannot promise
We will grow old together tangled in each other
Because we we may be to broken and scarred and
So in love that it is all so ******* perfect i can't believe it
And we both know life has a way of ******* good things up.
But here is something i will promise
Here is my vow to an impossible boy,
I will be there for you
And hold you when you cry
When you whisper the darkest
Secrets and memories that haunt
And shake your precious body
I will hold you and love you
Just listening
At three AM hugging, kissing, crying
Until our tears have dried our eyes
And even then i will be there
Because even if i cannot promise
That we will be in each others arms
Until the end of time i will swear to you:
Forever you will be an imprint on my heart,
My beautiful first love
I found this letter i wrote a long time ago. Never gave it to him, but i thought it was kind of beautiful.
Clara Oswin Jun 2014
I read lyrics like some people read poetry
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