something about this is quiet.
it feels as though
I’m in the eye of the hurricane.
everything is swirling around me,
and I can see it all
but it’s so much quieter than it should be.
it’s unsettling.
sometimes people look at you and you can feel it.
you can feel millions of thoughts,
and they’re racing past you
way too quickly for you to keep up with.
I don’t try to keep up anymore.
I’m in the eye of a hurricane
of thoughts and feelings
and I’m taking my time taking in the view.
as long as I can see you, I’m okay.
I’ll be fine, I just need to be able to see you.
something about your steadiness,
something about your consistency.
you are what I look forward to.

they just won’t shut up about you.
all the little tapping sounds of raindrops on the window,
the leaves shifting
and the world moving on without us.
it doesn’t seem fair.
how dare they all move on without us?
it doesn’t seem right that the sun can rise
like you’re not gone.
how cruel of it to ignore the loss.
even the moon wouldn’t tell me what to do about you.
it looks more and more like I’m in this by myself,
like I’m going to have to dig through all of this myself.
I’m just a little lost, and a lot lonely,
and so stuck on nothing.
that’s the worst part of all of this, I think.
I’m spun up like a hurricane over a lot of nothing.
I’d wait forever for this nothing, though.
maybe that makes it something.

here’s the thing: I never expected to have to let you go.
you were ripped away and here I was memorizing your favorite things so I could surprise you with them, here I was drinking my coffee the same way you drink yours.
it all follows me around, you know.
you follow me.
I can’t go anywhere without running into you.
you know you were the first thing I looked forward to-
I mean really treasured-
in forever.
I talk tough. you haven’t known me long enough to know that.
we’ve all been hurt, and we all use our pain differently.
I built a ******* fortress out of my heartbreak.
half a bottle of ***** later,
I can’t remember why I let you in so quickly.
some part of me really wanted you, I guess.
still does, I guess.
but here I am holding my heart in my ******* hands like a sacrifice.
my heart has better places to be, I hope you know.
I hope you know.
I spend a lot of time trying to talk myself out of you.
I ask other people to talk me out of you.
everyone tells me what I want to hear but it only clears my conscience. my mind is made up.
my idiot mind knows full well what it wants,
my heart knows what it wants,
it seems these days like they’re ganging up on me.
I’m tired of answering for my heart and its recklessness.

I’m not sure what to do with this feeling.
I sit across from it in silence. I drink about it at night.
my heart aches and my brain is disgusted with how easily I let this happen.

Oh, how easily I let you happen.

My eyes are sore and tired,
I’ve watched so much disintegrate in my hands
And now my hands are empty
I don’t trust them to hold on to anything of substance anymore
Like it's their fault, like I can blame it on them
Like I'm not a flight risk with an affinity for loss
I spend too much time
Trying to be more important than I am
And it’s wearing me thin
All the way down to skin and bones,
And if you took apart my skeleton
You’d find bitterness in all the cracks and spaces
And speaking of space
My chest is a black hole
Always consuming light
Never radiating it, it seems
I try not to wake up to emptiness
But please understand, it’s hard to avoid
When you’re the one who fills the space
And you’re not here

Love is here in my hand.
I keep it close, I keep it warm
It's mine and I don't like sharing
It's been broken and glued back together
Shattered and pieced back together
And that's where love and I are the same
We are shards.
We are sharp
We slice without thinking,
Without trying
It is hard to hold love's hand.
It is hard to hold me.
I've walked down so many streets,
Driven across so many state lines
With love in tow
We've searched for places to stay together
But sometimes love and I get separated.
Sometimes I don't see love for a long time.
Sometimes love and I fight,
Sometimes I flat out don't want it
Love keeps ringing my doorbell
But I stay in bed
And hope that it leaves

sometimes things glow a little,
most often when I’m not looking
like little holes poked in my head,
little circles of sunlight shining in a dark place
you let me grasp at you because you are my reality
you hang me around your neck
and many days I would call myself a noose
but you still look at me like I grace your head
and your heart
and the space in between
I’m so heavy, I’m so much,
so much,
so much,
too much.
yet, you carry me.
you hold my cold hands
and kiss them like they don’t break you every night
I want to hold your head in both of my hands
kiss your forehead
your nose
your cheeks
your lips.
let me love your humanity gently.
I see where the outline of your heart is slightly off,
I see where something was erased
and redrawn just a little differently
I see where experience tinged the world for you
and sometimes I just want to take permanent marker
and write
I LOVE YOUR SWEETNESS, I LOVE YOUR IMPERFECTION
on your heart
so many times that
maybe
you start to think that love is a good thing,
that you are a good thing,
a blessing and a pleasure.
I will kiss your knuckles even when you turn them blue and purple.
I am not here to fade away.
I am so tired
and you feel like
the most beautiful, peaceful, permanence.

I'm hung up on this human being
this masterpiece
this warm-blooded,
glowing,
complicated,
kind pair of dark eyes and open hands.
I'm stuck on the boy
whose gaze can bring hurricanes to silence.