Snowflakes falling out side
they look so calm and collected.
So light and bright
and here snuggled with blankets and warmth,
I want to be falling with out question or cause.
To feel weightlessness and beautiful.
Having everyones eyes, with no flaw.
God made us in his own image?
He made snow flakes alike.
So different from each other.
   Yet they stick together and create chaos.
To be without worry, oh! how my hair would grow.
How my knots would fade.
Knott being worked by your hands alone,
though,
might not be worth the trade.
Your big romanous hands make me feel light.
Eyes and glances you through my way make me feel
pretty and unique.
How you make me feel knocks me off my feet.
Why do I crave more?
What else could I possibly want?
-Fullness-
-Equalness-
-Attention-
things you lack often,
but have enough of to keep me around.

I want to lay here and fall asleep under the twinkle lights.
I want to go home and smell the evergreen tree.
I want you to follow me to my car and kiss me with passion.
I want to fall asleep in your big arms.
I want to reach out through the phone and comfort you.
I want to drift away onto the sandy beaches.
I want to be my own kind of person.
I want all these things, but most of all I want to know.
Having no control
I can't tell people what I'll be doing this summer...
Having little to no control is draining and stressful.
I just want to know...




My heart wants to be wild and be free
But theres a difference between free and control.
To be free of ties, but know where I am going.

Remembering all the times we had.
When you said "If I kiss you now, it all will change,"
and how it all did.
Now I wonder, didn't your friends advise you to stop?
Didn't they say, "You'll break her heart."
or were they to busy with themselves, like you?
You simply just kept leading me on and on and on.
Will I ever not hurt when reflecting back on you?
Just a girl trying to be woman for you,
Just a boy trying to get over a past love.
How could you have taken your time?
Even told our parents about me.
How many hugs did I waste?
How heavy is my stolen virginity on your shoulders now?
Do you still speak my name?
Does it resound in your ears? Do you ever recall my tears?
How did the end look in your eyes?
... Can you tell my wounds are still unclosed.

Tell me why it is,
I can't get you off my mind?
I can't seem to stand here,
and not think of you.
I need to get me back,
I need to not rely,
because when we rely on humans
all the do is imperfect.
But isn't there so much beauty in imperfect?
Everyonce and then its nice to be messy,
disorderly and out of conduct.
Because if we never did that, it would be all
perfect and boring.
Imperfections have stories behind them.
The have reason.
Is there reason in perfection?
for me, little to none at all.
To be fun and hard to handle, to be out of control,
now theres the perfect imperfections.
Although I don't like my hair,
                                      my height,
                                      my present circumstance,
I'm imperfect and completely compelled
to strive toward control and loss of this regular life.

After I hung my lights,
moved in my stuff.
Hung the curtains
got the wifi
paid the bills....
I realized, when a self conscious,
unknowingly young,
bored with no hobbies
no connections girl
moves into a unknown place,
she must make the best of it.
Once you let a tiny
little, run down,
oil field, train stop
country town
get you down,
theres no coming back.
If this town doesn't teach me anything
I truly can't learn.

Baby, can you feel me like I feel you?
I feel the weight of our love every day.
I feel your weight in my bed. I feel you.
Do you know why I'm around?
Can you smell me when I go?
Because, I know, your smell.

How can it be that I have,
a lover, a house, a talent, a family,
and I still don't love myself?
How can it be that I feel
pretty, funny, cute, and loved
and still want to look like others.
How can it be that
I am one way outside but not in?
How on earth can I be so materialistic?
How can I be so ungrateful but so privileged?
Pull it together, I say, they have issues too.
But the devil whispers back, they're perfecter than you.
I'm going to start loving me.
Being confident.
Being adventurous.

To cause something new to exist using imagination and talent
Created in the womb, I can to create.
Here in my world I'm hanging pictures,
I'm settling in.
Much like windy roller coasters:
   Theres ups and downs.
The ups give us a view of joy.
The downs prepare us for futures.
I want to make my future a dream-
A dream of truth and bliss
when was the last time you really felt?
Reality taunts us saying,
"theres only so much to create, for whats beyond
living the depths of the ocean?"
Test your mind to stretch and bend
        to go beyond creating
               and into completeness.

I've had ups and I've had downs.
But I've had more ups than downs, so
Surely that means things are looking up?
I'm struggling with settling up here.
I just wish that sometimes some one would
be home waiting for me and would give me a hug
and tell me I could do this.
Riley has been doing a good job of giving me time
and comfort. My mom too.

Loneliness, emptiness, and no self confidence,
are a bad mix when you live in a small town.
I stay with him because he is there.
But if I could, I would fly away, away,
I would enter to my land I would.
I would leave the past behind.
I would. But, I don't.

Hello big-wonderful-warm-inviting bed.
I was thinking of you all day.
Bed, I want to lay in you and never get up.
But I am sorry motivation keeps pulling me out.
It makes me run and study for good grades.
Actually I guess in a lot of ways
I crave motivation more than you.

When the sleep settles in,
the bed calls and the light goes dim.
When you look back and say,
"All went well today."
Thats the moment I love most.
When stress seems small,
and the world is all but,
   crumbling.

Last night was a wild night.
I went our with a friend.
I didn't hav to worry about texting,
   or fighting,
       or doing anything wrong.
There was no pressure,
    just myself.
And, I missed it. I missed being me...
All I do is worry,
  about other peoples perceptions
  about making you happy
  about not making any mistakes,
  about being in a relationship.
Last night I realized two things:
   I'm so half-half in all things of life.
   I also miss being kissed passionately.
Kissing with grabbing and hands
and lower back, hand on skin.
and tops off and hands working buttons,
and mouths searching, with fingers fliting.
real passionate kisses.
Moving down necks, moving up legs.
And today I realized:
   I don't want that with them,
   I want it with you.
Whoever you might be.
Overall, last night was truly
   an affair to remember.

Do you think its true?
The more you open your stiff rib joints,
and the more you expand your cranial sutures,
the more you art?
Anatomy: the study of human art made by GOD.
All I see are colors:
   Yellow for fall and mellow happiness
   Red for desire and flames lit deep.
   Blue for my tender and sweet.
Messy living coupled with coffee,
count me in.
Hair curled with naked back and love?
count him in.
Art in the air of fall, filling the fortress, darling.
Painting, I must expell these ideas in more than just writing.
Art- 3 letters coupled with power to change the world.
Count my hands in.

I just want to know
Do you still want to marry me?
Do you still want me to move with you?
Do you want me to change my last name?
Because, I will.
Do you want me in a deep way?
Do you want me how I want you?
When you see me smile
Does it make you smile and break your heart?
I want to know,
How come I made past decisions?
How come you didn't chase me?
Did you? Why didn't I see it?
Do you still want to chase me?
Are you?
Trevor, please, I just want to know...
        Marry me?

I want to be someones Autumn.
Full of color and chill
warm days to heal.
Crisp in the morning, cool at night.
I want to be someones most beautiful.
Someones picture-full.
I want to be someones lost innocence.
Flawless as a freshly fallen leaf.
I want to be someones warm memory
I want to feel the fall,
         again.

I used to be a violin-loving liberal.
Now I'm a MMA independent.
Some day I will be a mother of four.
But for now, I'm happy and wild.

When the panic attacks lift,
when my feet are propped up,
when my yoga is namaste
when i crawl into bed.
Can these be the highlights?
    not only of today, but also of tomorrow?
When you've moved alone,
   and when your Jesus is low,
there isn't much left.
Loneliness is the loneliest
for such a lovely word to say,
it has such depth and meaning I never had known.
That is, before I discovered loneliness myself;
here, in the fortress, darling.
When lonely sets in, it starts with:
skin.
A simple shake off, shower or run will subdue it.
But then it creeps into:
muscle.
Then family, friends, and laughter will conquer it.
Soon, alas, it is settling deep in the:
bones.
Then family, *** and joy, are last resorts, and they will dominate it.
Don't, my dear, let it lodge home in your:
lungs.
Then and only then will all of the above be able to
pull, drag and lift you out of the loneliness.

Call me brave, call me brave.
These city lights will see me
no matter my outcome.
My past lovers will still be past.
History will still repeat itself,
    God will still show himself.
How can I identify,
    When I can't even simplify
my own thoughts into continuity.
Why do I still here your laugh and cry,
    When I don't want to remember
Our old warm fall nights.
When I do free myself most,
    When I am alone and deep,
in my thoughts and intune with my body.
So often my nights rest and restlessness
go hand in hand.
So often in my days confused and anxiety
go hand in hand.
But luckily hand in hand with you means bravery.

Women are forever tyrants
who are lovers
and wanting to be professionals.
Women are animals
In the Wall Street Jungle,
In the bed
In their minds.
So many things leak out,
my mouth, and lungs leak fear and breath.
Usually I am so controlled
that when all control ceases,
fear drips in, anxiety flames and tears flood.
Where, oh where, did this come from?
The answer I keep stumbling upon,
is simply... self hate, and no confidence.
Someone who seems on the surface:
    Strong, independent, loving
is really an active volcano of doubt beneath.
And how to feel to express that,
but with no remorse, and cursing feed back.
My mind is complete,
     completely untrained.
Running and painting wildly through this life.
With in my is emptiness,
    but deeply I know,
with out me is empty space.
within is mayhem and confusion.
Stored into boxes of odd shapes and sizes,
swirls of color and thoughts swarm here and there
Love for all who are whole and broken fills enduringly.
However my praise and hope is centered and always full.
Messy, lovely, and fearfully I go forth and live.
I don't nor won't fall for all the blame,
I won't rely on the applause.
Then!
Realization strikes recklessly
that even though control is scary,
Really I needed something,
    something grounded and ready to take on the life.

While I sit here in the silence of my own house,
I hear the moaning and tangling seeping from the bedroom.
I hear echoes of laughter and feel wet kisses on my neck.
Oh the times we spent together.
Hands, big warm hands, stroking down, down, down my back.
Skin to skin, but it seems so much more...
rather heart to heart.
Curving and sliding we form together,
puzzle pieces is to cliche
to say.
Oh the nights we've spent.
My love, my armor, my inspiration.
It is you I find laying beside me,
so close your warmth feeds my cold feet.
Slowing down, really just means our breath.
Oh the things the walls have heard
together, so close, our bodies mold.
I long for your hands on my chest,
I long for my nose etching up your skin.
Much like art, much like slow music,
much like the truest love I've known,
its always been you, my darling.

When every ****** starts to hurt
When I realize my love hurts,
When my eyes open through sweat.
I am blind with you.
I simply don't. want. too.
What is holding me back from leaving tonight?
Your words of pressure?
The tiredness I feel listening to you?
My mind saying, repeating, screaming,
           "IT'S OVER."
But my heart saying, beating, and laughing,
           "LOVE AGAIN."
Is asking: Whats best for me?, selfish?
Why? Why do I simply not want to try...
This is the question I wrangle in my mind.
I stomp while I run.
Run, Run, Run,
getting farther and farther lost from
you; and your searching to strong arms.
For me and my sanity I run.
for me and you I want to not think.
As the stress pulls in,
the breathing tubes tighten,
and soon I'm somewhere new, and alone.
Finally the finish line.
The finish line is not what I thought it to be.

Found my own trail,
Found my new vail,
a life I live to please another?
Please, this life is about me and my Father.
With the view of the city before me,
you can't be the only person for me.
Dont rub it in my face your above me,
certainly don't bring up my past.
Or else I promise, I won't look back.
I've moved on from heart break before,
I can do it once more.
The pressure is building inside m,
while I slowly explode little by little.
If your not what I want,
How come I can't get away??

Out with the old, in with the new
I knew that our love was to good to be true.
Next time I'll be bullet proof.
No, next time: I'll find a prince;
             not a fugitive.
Next time I'll find a wild;
              not a control.
Next time I won't hold myself back
I won't give up myself.
Next time, my love won't fade.
If it does; He'll fight for it back,
not exit the scene.
Next time will be nothing but love
    Not a fear of leaving.
You won't be able to recognize
to hypnotize my back.
I'll be strong because of you.
Isn't that what you wanted?

Messy sleeping in beds much to big.
Go to bed with a clear head,
and a happy heart.
Weak up and live life smart.
Wasting days, wasting minutes,
let each second breathe life into your achey bones.
The thunder claps inside,
While my body is silent.
Am I the only sane body, with a wild mind, and a gracious heart?
If missing you feels like drawing,
then tonight I'm flying.

And adventure arising deep deep from my bones.
The ocean is calling! The mountains are calling!
I must go.
I must go adventure.
Alone. Wild. Wonderful.
The true life to live.
With or without you. I will survive.
I will live. I will flourish.
Although my bones grow weak,
my lungs and love are strong and ready.
To fight, to love, to live,
will be an awfully big adventure.
The lord my pursuit,
the mountains my refuge,
the ocean my ultimate escape.

Sleeping with elephants trampling through my mind.
There comes a time in every baristas life
where coffee no longer satisfies.
A time where the mountains are calling
and her soul ignites with love and espresso.
She often questions, if it will always feel like this.
This kiss left on her lips, till next kiss.
Elephants rumbling old photograph memories
dancin in and out from behind my stressed out worn eyes.
I can take a week of chaos for weeks of paradise to come.
And boy... here. I. come.

My lungs swell with the rebel inside.
They fill the air with, "Just try".
My heart ferociously beats with love,
it beats out the rhythm through my feet.
The rebel, the beat, the love,
all passions coming and clanging together
in my mind.
A common ground, a common love, a common passion,
a common amorous feeling, a common extravagahnt fondness for many or one similarity.
What passion we lack in our relationship.
No common passion... What?
How can we carry on?
"We fall in love with the wrong people."
lights, thoughts, rhythms, and feeling
pour out of my actions and eyes
but you and me, my love; we lack Passion.

As my hair blows back and forth,
the wind tossing my mind to and fro
my thoughts turn up.
They turn grateful and happy.
A clean start, they repeat.
A happy future, they remind.
Time and time again I think of you.
All you have done, and all that is affected in my life.
I want to know you deeper
I want to feel you closer.
I want and I need the warm from your heart.
Please stay and don't go.
Because who are you?
but boy of my dreams
Man of my future.

Through my curled toppled mess,
my heart has been blessed.
My clarity is restored,
and my life in order.
In the city, the life can get busy,
but in the hideaways of the mountains,
the air is clear
much like my eyes on this sunny day.

How did I get there??
These words used to flow,
used to put, straight from my soul.
Now my heart is empty,
my flesh is angry,
and my soul, oh my soul, is so weak,
and so must be the words I speack.
Torrential down pour of fear,
when I see your name appear,
Upon a screen, call----Ingored.
My words have become weak,
I can hardly even do a few lines.
Is it you? or is it mea,
Holding back so I can't see.
The world is so open and I want to go.
But, I am being held back.
I hold on, and so do you.
But what if we're holding on to different things?
And this love is not as it all seems.
Falling and breaking apart at the seams,
How could you have possibly meant
what you said?
Dissapointment, immature, not wise,
these are the things your saying to me.
I don't think that they are entirely true,
but what can I do?
Today is new,
and you'll want nothing to do
with last nights call.
But if it was you,
Standing here in my shoes,
What would you say?
You don't want to stay? and just go work.
Everyone needs a break.
Everyone needs some space
To breath, to look back and see
just what their words might be,
to some one open, and vulnerable
Often knives come at me from your mouth,
I've learned to deflect them all.
But now it is my turn
to let you know how it feels when
all of you fails.

I want you to want to dance with me.
I want you to take me up in your arms,
swing me and dip me across the kitchen.
I want you to want me.
I want you to like what I like,
and be inspired by what I see.
I want you to dance with me.
Thats all I have ever wanted,
but its your water to the wicked witch.

Rainy days, don't go away,
Stay here and give me comfort.
I long to go, to places unknown.
I want to live and be free,
But I also want babes.
My heart would shatter to leave him,
but I am unhappy with him.
"The Lord will prevail"
I keep repeating in my head,
"But only one of us believes"
says my body.
Two lovers tangled. In more than just sheets.
Our love grows deeper each week.
Making it harder to leave.
Two lovers tangled in change.
Your love for me is pure
but mine is shattered and murky.
The thing I want most right in front of me
but I am not reaching.
"Maybe it will pass" I think,
"Maybe it will last" I speak.

As I sip down this wine
to calm my nerves insides,
its amazing you can't smell whats in front of you.
I want a double life,
one on the side, and one to hide.
People come and people go.
But you,
   You I hold onto.
I held on in high school.
I held on 5 hours away.
I've held on during the "your stupid"s
and the "its over"s.
I've held onto you.
And you've held on too.
To my puppet strings connected to my hear.
You say its all in the mind.
Well I am about to show you,
What I've held onto up here.

The tiredness no amount of coffee can fix,
of chasing boys since 1996.
But they keep running,
So I'll be staying and waiting.
Come knight, come armor,
get me out of this clambering mess.
I can't get out myself, I'll need an accomplice.
You. You make me want to roam free,
go out and be me!
How can I stay hidden like this?
My light inside is slowly dimming.
Please come set me free.
If you chased... If you tried...
You'd be the one I'd hold at night.
I know I'm not much,
but get to know me, and I'll be more.
You help my weary wings soar.
They are stretching out and wildly flourishing.
Once locked up so others couldn't see
is what he's really doing to me.
I'm not ready to settle down,
I'm not ready to leave my independence.
Just put you on hold, upon a high shelf,
I'll live my life by myself.
Come back to you, and get you down,
brag about the fun I had,
then only then, I'll make you a dad.

Through this hard rain,
You don't know who you'll see,
staring back through at me.
But for now I hope its you,
standing waiting for me.
"Don't be like them"
keeps running running
through my mind.
"Your nutty", "You have something up there."
I feed off you and your pitiful compliments.

Steady as it goes, let it out
one bit at a time,
The life I lived,
the love I lost.
All come in time.
Never have I been steady
always running and dodging life.
Running,
    Running,  
        Running, through life I go.
Never look behind,
I can not be contained!!
My legs! my wings!
Oh how they wish to go!

A hug, but not a kiss,
it has to mean more than this.
A lingering touch,
first 1 arm, then 2.
Then 3 then 4. Wrapped together
the closest we will be,
until for now, forever.

Caught up, fired up and ready to argue,
I remember in the motion of photographs,
our laughter, our kisses.
Enwrapped by your mouth,
showing mine the way. How can bad come
from my mouth as well?
How horrible to let you see that side of me.
The side no stranger or even friends see.
The side thats mean and nasty.
Let my mouth do building instead.
Le my mouth help you get lost in mine.
Let my mouth be of love and genuine support.
I'm sorry for the things that may exit.
That side of me, will hopefully
no longer be, by tomorrow.
My love will ever grow for you.
My heart will only yern for yours.
Matches made, lives entangled, established 2013.
Here we go, about to pass the two year mile.

Through thick and thin,
till the lights go dim,
you have always shone,
My love song for you,
will never do,
So I try each day,
Its so nice for a place,
to cast my worries away,
Thank you Lord for  your amazing grace.

Cant you see in my eyes?
can't you hear in my voice?
I am trapped!
I fear love, and am charmed by admiration.
No, I won't give up...
           but I won't fall for the same trick twice.
I seem sweet, but deep inside
I thirst and hunger for more eternal.
Your everything I need to keep me crazy,
and every thing you need to keep you sane.
Attracted to people in help, I always succeed,
in letting them over power me.
Steps must be taken,
   one at a time.
Because soon, you'll be the biggest decision of my life.
You don't understand, I am so caught up
baby names are already accounted for.
My heart is beating out of my chest
with each pump of blood and each breath I breathe,
you are there in front of me.
Rebellion has often been, my go to alarmed.
I am still young, and you know what I want?
To do what I want.
Some one smart once said,
if you stop doing things for fun, you may as well be dead.

This feeling that seemed dead,
it rose and it rose, overfilling the rim,
over pouring through veins and hearts,
over powering minds and leaving the darkness.
Headed towards all that is light.
Oh won't you see? I want to be free.
Free as a bird, no fear of fashion.
Living like decisions are already made.
A path, a purpose, a future.
Soon, I will be old and tired,
pouring over these pages, thinking
Oh why couldn't you see?
Some one will love you, so just be.

New jackets, new beginnings,
New beginnings, old endings,
old endings, old souls,
growing, learning, and fighting each day.
A new night brings a new morning.
I can't wait till they start with you.
Lover in the shadows, do I trust your vows?
How can I know you'll be true?
And what about me? What am I to do?
If I don't believe I can be true too,
When secrets become cryptic
start reading between the lines,
For there and only there lie the truths.
Secrets for you, secrets for me,
Why do you think its called a diary?

New cars to break in,
legs twisted in back seats,
teach me your ways...
Mr. Weak-at-my-knees.
i love you forever,
as long as I can, my lips
will always accept your kiss.
You and me the love we keep,
The love we make when...
Well, whenever we want.
I will love you near and far
I will gladly go up and down,
turn around and touch the ground,
if only to make you laugh.
I can't wait to feel you on me,
once again re-united.
Star-struck, in love,
deep down, rings and vows.

Down comforter white,
with you in my sights,
never has life seemed so bright.
Tangeled sheets,
hearing new beats,
my soul has had defeats
lover together, in love apart,
your never to far from my heart,
I will always be able to smell your farts.
Our love is for the ages,
I could write all these pages,
no more, of our minds in cages.
****, breathless, skin skimming skin,
Our love is more than a ***** little sin.
Summers coming and so is Number 24, so jump in!
Come home soon, and take me away,
next time, you'll be able to stay,
Run-away you'll always be,
Runny wild now with a heart in your hands.

Roller coasters and rovers, what my mind has been through,
ways and thinking of getting back in the groove,
Unbroken, and Fifty-leading me by,
work and school meddling my mind.  
Soon I'll be a millionaire.
Soon I'll be without a care.
Moved out and far away, the world drifting aside,
I cant wait! to get out and not hide!
Roller coasters and rovers all my mind
focused and braced for what I might find.
A lover by my side, in my bed.
Tangeled in sheets, tangled in my heart,
feeding something that once seemed dead.
Now rising and taking possesion of my heart.
Fear is the mind killer, so run!
Run and clothed with strength and dignity,
A thousand suns will rise and set,
but until then, I will not fret.
I laugh without fear of the future,
I cry without the fear of loss,
and I have peace with out war on my mind,
Spilling filling, renewing refreshing,
Each line, filled with peace.

I could watch you sleep all night.
When the coffee wears,
and the moon is bright and shinning,
the drive home is short but dreaded,
I never wanted tonight to end.
Smiling, Laughing,Living, like never before,
My heart has grown three times four.
I will never be happy with you gone
And I hope never will that happen for long.
Raindrops through my roof,
It makes me feel *****,
and with you by my side, theres no stopping,
Be my hunter, I will be the foxes,
No one can contain our love in boxes.
You keep catching me just by a hair,
but soon, to swift, and I'll let you have my every care.
Till next time my love,
I'll dream, breath, and think,
of my sweet.

My dreams of you, are coming true.
The trust you have, makes you brave.
How is it just now, I am seeing this?
From the first shower, to now in your arms.
Wash me clean, scrubbing my legs, my back,
over my scars, over my flaws, over my doubt.
If I ever leave this safe place with you,
it better be to your room.
Tangeled between sheets,
caught up in giggle fits,
confident in our future.
The old loves have faded,
they still hurt, but aren't thought of.
My cold hard runs, they have ceased.
The only place I am running too
is our future beyond the blue.
I will never loose you.
Your valued to high, and your not for sale.
I believe you can, and I can too.
My dear, my dear, you are...

The clothes in my closet
remind me to be anyone I want to be-
The hiking shoes on the shelf
remind me to explore the wild outdoors-
The pictures hung up on the wall
remind me to create and be inspired-
The bed and blankets and pillows
remind me to rest my mind-
The books stacked on journals stack on books
remind me to expand my horizons-
Its just me and my thoughts,
me and my pains,
        Me and my droughts
              me and my gains.
With the Lord pulling me,
and the Devil chasing me,
I have control of my abandon.
My legs can take me farther.
Water. Coffee. Water. Sleep. Repeat.
Life of simplicity, Lurking behind my heels.
I cant help but fall in love with the way mystery feels.
Hold me tight, but wild me free,
keep me close, but love me harder,
attend to my tears, but add positive.
My stuff has value, but I cannot take.
I hope someday these poems make light,
and find someone to take flight.
In the solitary of my own bed,
I lie and think
how different things will be,
When you infest here too.
My love for you
it grows stronger and stronger,
and my fears grow greater and greater.
My own thoughts kick in,
lets see how you will be,
if the shoes are switched.

Internally seeking.
Outwardly reaching.
No lifeboats in sight.
Both ways have no view.
Slowly retreating to myself,
Feeling confined with no help.
Stop time, and tell,
no bad endings, end well.
Lose you to yourself,
or lose you to hell.
My breath is quickening.