How can it be that I have,
a lover, a house, a talent, a family,
and I still don't love myself?
How can it be that I feel
pretty, funny, cute, and loved
and still want to look like others.
How can it be that
I am one way outside but not in?
How on earth can I be so materialistic?
How can I be so ungrateful but so privileged?
Pull it together, I say, they have issues too.
But the devil whispers back, they're perfecter than you.
I'm going to start loving me.
Being confident.
Being adventurous.

To cause something new to exist using imagination and talent
Created in the womb, I can to create.
Here in my world I'm hanging pictures,
I'm settling in.
Much like windy roller coasters:
   Theres ups and downs.
The ups give us a view of joy.
The downs prepare us for futures.
I want to make my future a dream-
A dream of truth and bliss
when was the last time you really felt?
Reality taunts us saying,
"theres only so much to create, for whats beyond
living the depths of the ocean?"
Test your mind to stretch and bend
        to go beyond creating
               and into completeness.

I've had ups and I've had downs.
But I've had more ups than downs, so
Surely that means things are looking up?
I'm struggling with settling up here.
I just wish that sometimes some one would
be home waiting for me and would give me a hug
and tell me I could do this.
Riley has been doing a good job of giving me time
and comfort. My mom too.

Loneliness, emptiness, and no self confidence,
are a bad mix when you live in a small town.
I stay with him because he is there.
But if I could, I would fly away, away,
I would enter to my land I would.
I would leave the past behind.
I would. But, I don't.

Hello big-wonderful-warm-inviting bed.
I was thinking of you all day.
Bed, I want to lay in you and never get up.
But I am sorry motivation keeps pulling me out.
It makes me run and study for good grades.
Actually I guess in a lot of ways
I crave motivation more than you.

When the sleep settles in,
the bed calls and the light goes dim.
When you look back and say,
"All went well today."
Thats the moment I love most.
When stress seems small,
and the world is all but,
   crumbling.

Last night was a wild night.
I went our with a friend.
I didn't hav to worry about texting,
   or fighting,
       or doing anything wrong.
There was no pressure,
    just myself.
And, I missed it. I missed being me...
All I do is worry,
  about other peoples perceptions
  about making you happy
  about not making any mistakes,
  about being in a relationship.
Last night I realized two things:
   I'm so half-half in all things of life.
   I also miss being kissed passionately.
Kissing with grabbing and hands
and lower back, hand on skin.
and tops off and hands working buttons,
and mouths searching, with fingers fliting.
real passionate kisses.
Moving down necks, moving up legs.
And today I realized:
   I don't want that with them,
   I want it with you.
Whoever you might be.
Overall, last night was truly
   an affair to remember.