I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I
l
  o
     v
          e
                y
                         o
                                    u

I will never be able to say it enough times
To get you out of my system.

Forward
Back
Forward
Back
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Deafened by the air whooshing past your ears
Or by the thoughts scrambling through your head?
But no, you're here to tune those out
Pump forward
Lean back
Only enough silence to hear by at the crest of each arc
Trying to ignore it all
Only mildly successful
Inhale
Exhale
Forward
Back

I thought we understood
But I looked up from my books to see
You'd turned the page in our
Relationship
And suddenly I was in a
Sinking ship
And couldn't find the life raft.

I thought you were my everything
But I took a step just to have the
Rug yanked out from under me
Falling
Time was flying when I thought it was
Creeping
And I never got enough.

It seems I took my share of you
You broke my heart like I broke yours
Both sides of the story
Unintentional
But here we are (I am) wondering what would've
Happened
If I'd put up a fight.

Over the past week I've developed a cough
And with most every breath
I can feel my chest shake and
Rattle.
Finally the sounds inside me
Match
The way I've been feeling.

I miss the times
When we had time.

I would lick your sweat off you just
So I could taste your salt

You were always my sun
I told you that a thousand times before
Every morning and in nearly every poem.
You lit my life
You kept me warm
You made me happy.

Even now that you ended it
Even though I remember our last few months were rough
I can't focus on anything but the good times.
The warmth in your smile
Watching the pulse in your neck in the morning
When I was big spoon.
The way you danced when you put on make up
The way you danced when we brushed our teeth (together, always)
The way you danced your way into my heart
And danced all over it while I showed you my world
And danced to my lips so that I'd kiss you while I grinned.
You were perfect.
We were perfect.

I'm left numb and cold,
Emotionless.
But I can't hate you
Because I can't remember if or why
I should

I have to remember
That you shattered me,
My world,
and everything I knew
Just to see if I'd come running back to you.

I didn't know.
I respected your decision.
And now
I live knowing that I was presented with
The only test that mattered
And I failed.

You wonder why I cover my heart
With a shawl so heavy and thick.
You don’t even understand how impenetrable
It is.

You wish I’d take off this mask
So you could see my soul.
See the pain
The hurt
The anger
The shame.

If I removed my veil
What would you do with what you saw?
Would you laugh?
Would you sigh?
Would you try to help?
I didn’t want to find out
What reaction you would have.
I held everything in.
You thought you knew how to bottle things up.
Honey I invented the cork.
You thought you knew how to hide.
Sorry to break it to you dearest,
But blackout shades?
That idea was mine.
You weren’t about to get in.
I had it all on lock.
Held tight like Fort Knox.

Until

I didn’t.

The windshield cracked
There was a slit in my shades.
A leak in the cork.
The mask
It fell.

I broke down.
You broke in.

And now I no longer wonder
What you would say if I spilled.

And I know for sure,
Thanks to you,
That I’ll never slip up again.

Love is dangerous
Love is safe.

Love is easy
Love is hard.

Love is terrible
Love is beautiful.

Love is rough
Love is gentile.

And kind.
And honest.

Love forgives
And cherishes
And values.

Love changes with you
And never questions why
She grows with you
And helps to ease the pains.

She walks with you
Picking you up when you fall
And holding the light
When you need to tie your shoes.

Love will hold the umbrella
When it rains on your face
And slap you with sunscreen
When life is getting a little too sunny.

Love reminds you to brush your teeth
If only because she doesn’t want to kiss you
When you have awful breath.
And love makes you wash your hands
Because she knows that if you get sick,
She’s going down with you.
And she doesn’t have time for that.

Love wants you to take care of yourself
Because she needs to take of herself
And while you are separate,
Individuals,
You are one and the same.

Love will make fun of you
When you’re being ridiculous,
And look at you like no one else exists
When you’re in sweats and a t-shirt.

Love with cuddle with you
When you feel disgusting after a long day
And tell you to get the heck off her bed
When you’re sweating like a man.

She will love you when you’re afraid,
When you’re brilliant,
When you’ve done something to please her,
When you don’t deserve it.

And love will get mad at you when you're awful,
When you’re being insensitive,
When you’re a ****,
And for reasons you don’t understand.

Love will wonder
Why you love her,
Why you stick it out,
Why you think she’s beautiful.

Love might want an answer
But sometimes there’s no way to say
That the mood swings
The difficulties
The roller coaster;
The warmth
The joy
The safety;
That everything about her
Is the best thing that ever happened to you.

As long as you don't bring attention to yourself
You'll be safe.

Yes.
But how many others
Won't be

We feel the need to capture light
And put it in jars
With holes in the lid.
As if we could capture stars.

We sit on the deck as darkness falls
And watch the weakened sky break,
Get punctured with holes.
We were never good with the dark.

We sit at a table with food left untouched
And lock eyes in battle,
Let heated words fly.
One of us has to be right.

We sit on our *****
And watch progress come at us
Laugh as it passes us by.
Someone else can change the world.

She struts through her town
Chin up
Hair down.
Trying to hide
Her skinned knees.
She doesn’t want the world to see
The only evidence she bears
Of when she finally fell.
Tripped, stumbled, whatever you want to call it.
She could hold herself up no more.
Gravity overcame her
Truth overcame her
Life overcame her.
Her back bent
Her knees buckled
She tried to scream
But no sound came out.
Her one moment of weakness
Left her with scars
Unseen
And ****** knees.
How do you come back from a fall like that?
She built herself up for years
Like a mountain ever growing,
A trophy never rusting.
She shined her shoes,
She brushed her hair
She straightened her blouse
Every day
Trying with all her might
To maintain her image
Of perfection.
She should’ve realized sooner
No one is perfect.
Not a one of us
Not Ghandi
Not Martin Luther King
Not Eleanor Roosevelt
Not even Dr. Suess.
They weren’t perfect
So why was she?
Who is she, that gets to achieve the dream
That the majority of people are treading water just to get a glance of?
A better question would be
Why did she get to do such a good job
Of hiding her imperfection.
She walked everywhere with a bottle inside
Holding everything in
Nice and tucked away
Like a child at bedtime
Hidden
Safe and snug
Where no one could see it.
She pulled it out only in the wee hours of the morning
While sitting by herself
At the top of her mountain
Where she sat
And wept
Silently.
When the rays of dawn would peep over the distant horizon,
She would wrap the vial up
And swallow it again
Down into the depths of her soul
To remain hidden
To keep her secrets safe
To keep herself upright and a-okay in everyone else’s sight.
This went on
And on
And on.
Until one night
When the moon shone bright
And the stars and constellations shone around her head.
She went to examine the newly expanded contents of her secret container
When she realized the stars weren’t shining solely on her soft
Perfectly parted hair.
Someone else was there with her
But it was too late to put the ampoule away
It was already out, see
And in plain sight.
She fumbled,
Caught off guard, she dropped her flask.
She jumped to catch it but it was already rolling
She chased it.
Down the mountain they went
A bottle
And a girl
Moving in tandem
One no faster then the other.
She tried to slow herself down as they approached the base
But it was too late
The momentum was too great
She tumbled headfirst
Her knees hit the ground
At this speed
Grass feels like concrete.
Green stains on her elbows,
Blood on her knees.
Water marks down her cheeks.
The higher you build yourself up
The longer you have to fall
As she discovered the night the constellations revealed her façade to another.
No one’s perfect
No matter what they seem
You never know
Who, at nightfall, screams.
This young girl learned her lesson
It’s better not to hide
And now she struts around
Showing skinned knees
With pride.

I want to kiss you when you're smiling.
It seems like you hold the happiness of the universe
In the lines at the corners of your lips
And if I kiss you maybe I'll get a taste.
So far it seems
That it's been working

When I called my mom that night
Trying to decide if I wanted to spend forever
With
Or without you
I asked her
"Will I ever find someone who loves me the way she does?"
And she told me
"Maybe. Maybe not."
I made the greatest gamble that I've ever seen in my short life,
I put all my chips on another instead.
And for so long....
I won.
For so long, I was the champion.
The high roller.
The big bucks
We were the fire that kept the whole casino alight.

We've been put out now for longer than we officially burned
And I've come to accept that.
I've grown to love myself as myself
Without her by my side
But sometimes I still miss that heat.
And having felt it so hot
For so long,
Having had something
So uniquely us,
Now I wonder for real
If I'll ever have something that can compare.
I'm unsure if I will
But then,
The gambler's role is to take chances.

The truer answer to your question is that I ask myself every day if I'm still in love with you, or if this is just the friend version of our sunlit love. There was a chunk of time where I was relatively certain I wasn't, but for now the jury is back out. And I'm so extremely glad that you're happy, and that you've found someone, and I know that this is why you aren't visiting, but this is part of why I want to visit. To see and to know, ya know? But regardless of these feelings that may or may not exist, I will always love you and I will always love us, in whatever form our relationship is at the moment. This isn't me asking for change and this isn't me asking for attention or trying to be melodramatic, and you don't even have to answer or acknowledge this, but you asked. And the truth is...this is my reality.

**** dark and stormy nights.
It was really **** sunny,
But that didn’t change anything.
That didn’t stop you
From turning it all around.
Didn’t stop you
From taking it all back.
I don’t know what to believe
But I know I don’t believe you.
I choose to believe the past.
The things that I knew radiated truth
Because of how your voice shook saying them.
I’ll take the stammered hopes,
The sweaty palms,
And the never ending reel of things gone wrong,
Over the screen bleeding black and white
Any day.


I would continue to spin for you a web of your perfections,
If only you would let me back.

Whenever I think of the phrase
"Thoughts fill my head"
I think of you
Because you're the only person for which
That's ever felt literally true.
Thoughts of you are akin to a sponge inside my brain,
Pushing out,
Swelling up,
Eradicating the possibility
For any further thought.


What's more
It feels warm,
This fullness in my head.


As if anyone could've told me,
But I wish someone would've said,
That when you find the one
Who makes you feel like this



Keep her



Or for the rest of your life



You'll miss her.

You say you want to know me
What happens when you find out who I am?

Of all the things I have,
The thought of losing you
Scares me the most

"Stand back,"
They say.
"Lay low,"
They ask.
Never stick your neck out
Too far.
But if everyone retracts into their shell
At the first signs of progress,
Will the world stay the same,
It will it go backwards.

Your touch not only takes my breath away,
But also gives it back.
In and out
A necessary cycle
I didn’t know the world could be so
Still.
Every moment,
Our faces close enough for two to become one
I can barely see you but

I don’t need to.

I can feel you.

I can feel us.

I can sense us,
The energy is palpable.
Our auras vibrating so intensely,
They’re almost solid.
I feel solid when I’m with you.
You hold my hand and I swear I wouldn’t notice if the world crashed and burned,
Because you kiss me and
It’s already gone.
I’ve always wanted to walk on the moon.
Who knew all I had to do
Was start dating you.

I’m clumsy.
I poured my heart into a cup with no bottom.
Let my soul
Fly into a bar-less cage.
Or maybe..
Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe there were bars on that cage.
So many bars
I couldn’t tell the difference.
Not immediately.
At the beginning,
It all looked normal.
As normal as normal can look
From this perspective
This twisted
Backwards
Sideways
View.
So I went ahead.
And shared my story
Thinking it would be safe.
Then it was as if
I hadn’t said anything at all.
Like the spoon had holes,
The backpack didn’t zip,
There was a hole
In the atmosphere.
The information didn’t make a dent.
You didn’t care.
Or so I thought.
But now I see
It’s more like the opposite.
The box is sealed,
The book is closed,
The cage is a stronghold.
You took my words
My thoughts
My emotions.
Everything I told you.
And locked it away.
Hid it in the back of your mind.
Because
You’re just like me.
You’re afraid to confront it.
To think about it
To deal with it.
You’re afraid
Of caring too much.

When the one you know
You will always love becomes
The only one who will
Use everything she knows about you
To hurt you
Time and time again
What do you do?

I'm from the South, see,
So I spent my childhood in a church and,
Though I may not know much about religion,
Through the years I
Learned some things.

I want to worship your body
Like the men and women raising their
Thanks to the Lord on a Sunday morning
Until I've got you murmuring
"Hallelujah..."

You took away my fear of attachment.
And then you gave it back.

You've told me a story
But
Would you tell it again?
I was too wrapped up in how
Your tongue teased the air,
Your lips hugged the vowels,
Your teeth bit the consonants,
And your jaw drove the rhythm
To hear what you were saying.

How do you mourn something
You never had?

In terms of smiles,
Is crooked a synonym for broken?
And in terms of lies,
If your tears are black, do they match your heart?

This is a story
Of the girl who was never the prettiest.
She was never the skinniest
Never the most popular
Never the absolute smartest
Never invited to all of the parties.
She was above average,
But never the best.
This is the story
Of the girl
Who lived to make everyone around her happy.
The girl who knew what it felt like to hurt
Knew what sobbing sounded like
Late in the night
When no one else was around.
This is the story of the girl
Who held her emotions inside
Because she wanted to help others
Instead of focusing on herself.
The story of the girl who forgot what happy
Felt like.
She forgot what it was like
To wake up in the morning
And not worry about what people might read in her face
Might see in her eyes
Might think about her appearance.
She couldn’t stop wondering
Why people never noticed
That underneath her perfectly composed
Wonderfully put together
Outer layer,
She was tearing at the seams.
This is the story of a girl
Who was living life
On the edge of a breakdown
Until her fall-down
Brought her around.
This is the story of the girl
Who got out of her town
Was forced to figure out who she was
And finally got the opportunity to make herself happy.
Finally stopped caring
What other people might think.
The girl
Who kissed the girl
Because that’s what was going to make her happy.
The girl
Who held her hand
Because that’s what she wanted to do.
The girl
Who came back home for break
And told her friends,
Through the terror and with a shaking voice,
That she has a girlfriend now
And she’s finally happy.
And listened with relief
As her two best friends
Said the things she always knew they would say.
“I don’t care who you like.
I don’t care what you do.
I’m glad you’re making yourself
Happy.”

i'm out of tears and out of hope.
your grace period has ended
and still no word.
the sleep won't come but i see no reason
to get out of bed.
we were perfect and now
pictures
memories
and a pain inducing toothbrush
are all i'm left with.
maybe one day
the hunger will return.

i can't say i didn't see it coming
but that doesn't make it easier.
for feeling so empty
i've never felt so heavy.

Does she make you happy?
Can she make you laugh?
Was it that easy to forget?

Does she treat you like a queen?
Does she kiss you when you smile?
Was I that easy to forget?

In the midst of the broken promises
And the forgotten agreements
I guess I just want to know,
Are you happy with her?

Squigly lines
And dots.
Question marks punctuate my every thought.
Leaves fall,
Seasons change.
That doesn’t eradicate the pain.
Time passes
Memories fade
Everything’s tainted, but look at the blade
It’s retracting
Getting duller,
It’s easier to remember the events of that summer.
My breath
Doesn’t catch,
Every time my head picks up a ******
Of a thought of you.

Running through the yard
With a jar
Trying to capture the flickering
Incandescent
Floating
***** of light.

Laying in a bed
With my sister
And might-as-well-be-my-sister friend
Trying to be quiet
Silent
Hushed.
Because “Daddy’s home”
In our game of house.

Racing to the ocean
To see who could get the farthest
Before falling.
Jumping waves
That we named
“Bigfoot.”

Bolting around
In my pink boots
With my red 'fro.
Fast
As.
Lightning.

Three stockings on Christmas
One with toys and candy
The second with practical and traditional.
The third
Fruit
Nuts
Chocolate.

Catching caterpillars
Under the jungle gym
Building
Jarred
Kingdoms.

Learning to eat swiftly.
Because with a family this big
You have
To act
Fast.

Wearing a shirt in the sun
To avoid that sunburn
That always turns my Irish skin
Red
As
A lobster.

Building bears
Every November
Broadway
On the
Beach.

Sledding down a hill
Forcing your dad to ride with you
Because it’s steep
And you’re afraid
Of crashing and
Getting
Hurt.

Birthdays at the cabin
Everyone was always invited
Willingly or not.
Cookout
Water fights
Slip and slides.

Sitting in a tree
With my best friend
Surrounded by pink
Fluffy
Petals
Waiting for sisters’ soccer practice to end.

Running over to their house
Uninvited
Always welcomed anyway.
Monopoly
Trivial pursuit (Disney version of course)
Blanket forts
And popcorn.

Jumping into the pile
Of freshly raked colours.
The fall always cushioned.
***
Always
Protected.

Even my friends' parents
Know to command me
To
Reapply
Sunblock.

Hurrying to Mimi’s every weekend
Warmth of love
Stomach always full
To bursting
With hot
Delicious
Food.

Waiting till the last second to turn off the TV
Before leaving the house
Lest you miss the ending
Of a new episode
Of Rugrats
Hey, Arnold
Or Catdog.

Holidays at home
Surrounded by the people
You love
Care for
Nurture
Accept.

Running to mother
Crying when she pours the stinging liquid
On scraped
Palms
Knees
Elbows.

Staring at the sea
Trying desperately to see
The other side.
Feeling full
Content
Complete.

Hoping he finally got the hint
Knowing he did.
Hearing
He chose
Her
Instead.

Running outside
To play in the warm soap-less shower
Bare feet
Wet hair
Wet clothes.
Wishing the gods
Would never stop
Bowling.

Walking to a field
With your best friend
Finding the exact center
So you can sit
And talk
With
Or without
Words.

Searching for hours
Through green, green fields
To find the lost
Sign
Of luck
Of hope
Lost
Amid thousand of imposters.

Struggling to understand
Why she suddenly
Doesn’t want
To talk
Anymore.

Snowball fights
And a whole snow family
Followed by
Hot chocolate
Hot cider
And movies.

Anticipating leaving Nana’s
Because that’s when we each got our ration
Of coated
Branded
Chocolate
That we always took for granted.

Grappling with the notion
Of that solution
Helping
Rather than
Hurting.

Tangled up in feelings
Of abandonment
Hope
Disappointment
Love
Pain
Certainty
Doubt
Loss.
A­cceptance.

Competing for the top spot
In everything I do
With no one
But
Myself.

Basking in the summer’s warmth
Both from the sun and from your friends
Always
Avoiding
Sunburn.

Worrying about everything
From whether or not
I’ll fall off my bike
To what
The future
Holds.

Sitting by the community pool
Arguing
Every day.
With your
Best
Friend
Forever.


Holding on to my stubbornness
For dear life
Because it’s
What’s gotten
Me through.

Laying on a bench
Listening to the waves
Staring at the stars
Feeling as small
As a human
In a universe.

This is where I came from
Now I wonder
Where am I going?

It is time
For me to do unto you
What you've done for me.
For me to stop making you a priority.

It is time
For me to decide how I want to
Look upon the past
And what light
Or darkness
I want to carry forth
From here on out.

It is time
For me to look at myself
My fears
My flaws
My insecurities
My habits
My....

It is time
For me to remember that it hasn't always been like this
That I
Haven't always been like this.

It is time
For me to decide
Who I'm going to be.

The clock has been ticking
And I've been standing still.

Time apart creeps
Like a candle slowly burning
But the thought of next year coming
Makes my chest ache with an emptiness
That knows not even cobwebs

I made it so far
But then I got to the beach and craved
Insanity.
From there to the end
My natural getting-home-from-work reaction was to
Crack open a beer
I think I felt like at that point
The fumes knew me better than you did,
And for them at least I didn’t have to
Explain myself.
I ****** up enough meals that I gave the cooking duties
To you.
Maybe if you pay attention to the stove you won’t look at my face not looking at you
Not knowing what to do,
How many times I avoided eye contact
Always trying to find something to point out
So it looked like I at least had some sort of reason
Just covering up the treason
That I probably should’ve felt bad for.
Feeling bad and feeling paranoid
Are not the same thing
And I only felt one of the two.
Flat beer
Old wine
Lukewarm liquor
I never knew a sink full of ***** dishes could spark such a fire
Scars left from burns can still feel phantom warmth.
The smell of burning butter
Not even a diet change could fix what was going wrong
A suggestion made for “health reasons”
You’ll never know what I was patching up.
I never knew how much hope could be contained
In eight ounces of soybean mush.
Now I’m back to where I was before
Only sometimes self-medicating to the point of remembering what it’s like
To not remember
But never sad to remember
What it’s like to wake up next to her.

Half of my stupid brain can
Logic it out,
How we got here.
The other
Half
Is ruthlessly sad.

I gave myself completely to someone
Once.
She saw my soul and she knew who I was.
And she left
From irrevocable and unintentional
Pain.

I have spent the time since then
Not only trying to remember who I am
But also trying to figure out what love is
If not just a tool
To hurt each other.

You
Are the worst thing that ever happened to my writing because
You
Are all I want to write about ever ever ever and
You
Are far more than words could ever dream of describing.

The tree is beautiful
But nothing compares
To the roots.

Melodies catch attention
But songs are empty
Without the harmonies.

Youth is sharp
But life is simple
Without the depth of age.

Teach me your roots.
Sing me your harmonies.
Let me be there to see the development
Of every crease,
Every wrinkle,
Every stupendous
Life-giving breath.

Like putting a hand on a bright red burner
Just to make sure it's actually hot
Isn't it funny how it takes something hurting us
For us to realize
That it's real.

I wish I could hold you like
Songs hold memories
Plants hold light
Stars hold wonder
Hands hold hands
Eyes hold contact

How do I explain to you
Why I think I love you more
When it's a conglomeration of the little things

Like the fact that I finally feel good enough
Like I don't need to change.

The fact that whether I like it or not,
My plans have started shifting.

I've never been so scared of feelings.
Never been so unsure of the future,
Watching it approach faster than it ever has before
All the while holding your hand
And thus feeling secure.

I really don't want to compare you to her
And really, you make it easy for me not to.
Because this is so different than the last time.

Tutto quello che
vedo è il suo vi-                      
no tinto labbra.

Non so chi sia
più. Lo specchio deve ess-
ere disteso.

N: how did you know?

M: she wants her lifeless body dealt with the same way I do - her useful bits given to those who need it, the rest returned to the earth. in the form of a tree.

N: you base this **** on things after death?

M: well....she also wants to live the same way I do. similar enough ideals for cohesion, with enough difference for intrigue and growth. we have a lot to work on but...she feels like the home I want to work on it all in.

This friendship used to be a picture perfect sunrise
But over time it has faded
And oversaturated,
And we've become blinded.
The sunrise is over,
Now time to wait for the sun to set.

Every story you live
Is your story.
Every story you live
Doesn't have to be
Epic
To be told.

Many years ago you called me ephemeral.
To this day I don't know if it was a compliment.

I’m sorry I wrote you.
I’m sorry I’m as weak as I told you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t lying.
I’m sorry I never lied.
I’m sorry for all the broken nights
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix them.
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix myself
I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.
I’m sorry I messed everything up
I’m sorry I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry I got tired of being alone
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry you can’t write anymore.
I’m sorry I never could.
I’m sorry you couldn’t see yourself how I always saw you
I’m sorry you can’t see what I still see.
I’m sorry I loved you.
I’m sorry I loved you harder than I’ve loved anyone else
I’m sorry you made me question myself.
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry I kept writing because I didn’t know how not to
I’m sorry you told me I could.
I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you said I should stop
I’m sorry I didn’t listen when everyone said I should stop.
I’m sorry I took all those nights seriously.
I’m sorry I believed every word you said.
Well…not every word.
I’m sorry I became such a problem
I’m sorry nobody listened to me.
I’m sorry for being right.
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry I failed you.
I’m sorry I took the hit
I’m sorry I asked you to do that
I’m sorry I let you
I’m sorry you didn’t listen.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stand seeing the bracelet anymore
Or the pictures
Or the letters
Or the poem.
I’m sorry I can’t touch them without getting nauseous.
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry I don’t even hurt that much anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t think of you as often as I should
I’m sorry you’re not sorry that I don’t think of you as often as I used to think I should
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry you don’t care.
I’m sorry I don’t believe your goodbye
I’m sorry I don’t believe any of it.
I’m sorry I don’t care.
I’m sorry I sort of wish it was different
I’m sorry I think this is probably for the best.
I’m sorry I can’t be there to fix it
I’m sorry you let me go.
I’m sorry the other side of this coin is gone,
Your half dozen of these tacos are still here,
We never watched Finding Nemo.
You never finished renaming the constellations.
I’m sorry I never finished teaching them to you.
I’m sorry bandanas are now out of your life
I’m sorry you never wear sports bras.
I’m sorry my hands feel empty and naked
Now that yours are gone.
I’m sorry your hand was the best thing that ever happened to mine.
I’m sorry that was such a cheesy line.
I’m sorry I want a hair-cut
I’m sorry I want to chop it all off.
I’m sorry you’ve ruined that side of town for me
I’m sorry I’m no longer allowed.
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry I would want to forget me too.
I’m sorry I kept writing letters
I’m sorry you never read them
I’m sorry I never will again.

You ask me
"What does it feel like
To sit around waiting for the person who you know is going to hurt you
To go ahead and get on with it?"

Have you ever tried to pretend your heart
Is a pebble at the bottom of a fast flowing river,
Cold?
Have you ever imagined it as the backside of the mirror
Where you stare yourself in the eyes
Trying to talk yourself back up,
Hard
Reflective
Insincere?
Have you ever thought what it would be like
To be the darkest part of the mountainscape
In that painting in your living room
Where you sit on your couch
Taking breaths,
Distant
But so so here.
And real.
And aching.
And bleeding.
Have you ever tried to control the cosmos?

I'm worried.
Concerned because
It seems our definitions of
Forever
Are different now
Where once they were
The same.

Once
"Forever" meant until humans went
Extinct.
Now I fret.
It seems
You've actually done it.
You've moved on.
And
I'm still here.
Even though you told me not to be.



Will I always be?