I’m sorry I wrote you.
I’m sorry I’m as weak as I told you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t lying.
I’m sorry I never lied.
I’m sorry for all the broken nights
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix them.
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix myself
I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.
I’m sorry I messed everything up
I’m sorry I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry I got tired of being alone
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry you can’t write anymore.
I’m sorry I never could.
I’m sorry you couldn’t see yourself how I always saw you
I’m sorry you can’t see what I still see.
I’m sorry I loved you.
I’m sorry I loved you harder than I’ve loved anyone else
I’m sorry you made me question myself.
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry I kept writing because I didn’t know how not to
I’m sorry you told me I could.
I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you said I should stop
I’m sorry I didn’t listen when everyone said I should stop.
I’m sorry I took all those nights seriously.
I’m sorry I believed every word you said.
Well…not every word.
I’m sorry I became such a problem
I’m sorry nobody listened to me.
I’m sorry for being right.
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry I failed you.
I’m sorry I took the hit
I’m sorry I asked you to do that
I’m sorry I let you
I’m sorry you didn’t listen.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stand seeing the bracelet anymore
Or the pictures
Or the letters
Or the poem.
I’m sorry I can’t touch them without getting nauseous.
I’m sorry the permanence makes it easier.
I’m sorry I don’t even hurt that much anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t think of you as often as I should
I’m sorry you’re not sorry that I don’t think of you as often as I used to think I should
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry you don’t care.
I’m sorry I don’t believe your goodbye
I’m sorry I don’t believe any of it.
I’m sorry I don’t care.
I’m sorry I sort of wish it was different
I’m sorry I think this is probably for the best.
I’m sorry I can’t be there to fix it
I’m sorry you let me go.
I’m sorry the other side of this coin is gone,
Your half dozen of these tacos are still here,
We never watched Finding Nemo.
You never finished renaming the constellations.
I’m sorry I never finished teaching them to you.
I’m sorry bandanas are now out of your life
I’m sorry you never wear sports bras.
I’m sorry my hands feel empty and naked
Now that yours are gone.
I’m sorry your hand was the best thing that ever happened to mine.
I’m sorry that was such a cheesy line.
I’m sorry I want a hair-cut
I’m sorry I want to chop it all off.
I’m sorry you’ve ruined that side of town for me
I’m sorry I’m no longer allowed.
I’m sorry it ended this way.
I’m sorry I would want to forget me too.
I’m sorry I kept writing letters
I’m sorry you never read them
I’m sorry I never will again.

She struts through her town
Chin up
Hair down.
Trying to hide
Her skinned knees.
She doesn’t want the world to see
The only evidence she bears
Of when she finally fell.
Tripped, stumbled, whatever you want to call it.
She could hold herself up no more.
Gravity overcame her
Truth overcame her
Life overcame her.
Her back bent
Her knees buckled
She tried to scream
But no sound came out.
Her one moment of weakness
Left her with scars
Unseen
And ****** knees.
How do you come back from a fall like that?
She built herself up for years
Like a mountain ever growing,
A trophy never rusting.
She shined her shoes,
She brushed her hair
She straightened her blouse
Every day
Trying with all her might
To maintain her image
Of perfection.
She should’ve realized sooner
No one is perfect.
Not a one of us
Not Ghandi
Not Martin Luther King
Not Eleanor Roosevelt
Not even Dr. Suess.
They weren’t perfect
So why was she?
Who is she, that gets to achieve the dream
That the majority of people are treading water just to get a glance of?
A better question would be
Why did she get to do such a good job
Of hiding her imperfection.
She walked everywhere with a bottle inside
Holding everything in
Nice and tucked away
Like a child at bedtime
Hidden
Safe and snug
Where no one could see it.
She pulled it out only in the wee hours of the morning
While sitting by herself
At the top of her mountain
Where she sat
And wept
Silently.
When the rays of dawn would peep over the distant horizon,
She would wrap the vial up
And swallow it again
Down into the depths of her soul
To remain hidden
To keep her secrets safe
To keep herself upright and a-okay in everyone else’s sight.
This went on
And on
And on.
Until one night
When the moon shone bright
And the stars and constellations shone around her head.
She went to examine the newly expanded contents of her secret container
When she realized the stars weren’t shining solely on her soft
Perfectly parted hair.
Someone else was there with her
But it was too late to put the ampoule away
It was already out, see
And in plain sight.
She fumbled,
Caught off guard, she dropped her flask.
She jumped to catch it but it was already rolling
She chased it.
Down the mountain they went
A bottle
And a girl
Moving in tandem
One no faster then the other.
She tried to slow herself down as they approached the base
But it was too late
The momentum was too great
She tumbled headfirst
Her knees hit the ground
At this speed
Grass feels like concrete.
Green stains on her elbows,
Blood on her knees.
Water marks down her cheeks.
The higher you build yourself up
The longer you have to fall
As she discovered the night the constellations revealed her façade to another.
No one’s perfect
No matter what they seem
You never know
Who, at nightfall, screams.
This young girl learned her lesson
It’s better not to hide
And now she struts around
Showing skinned knees
With pride.

Perfection
Is constant.
It’s everywhere
And in everything.
But our perception of it is not.
For us,
Perfection is fleeting.
It comes in small doses
Like a shot of tequila.
It shocks on impact
Then warms from within.
Perfection lingers
For as long as the good feeling stays.
The problem?
We know that shortly
The liquor will wear off
And the world will again be *****
Smelly
Ugly
Imperfect.

But you…
You stay.
You stay past the buzz
Past the next-morning feeling
Past the hangover
Past the fog.
You’re still here.
You’re still perfect.
Because what people don’t get is that since nothing is perfect,
Everything
Is perfect.
Perfection isn’t a shot of tequila
But a long
Tall
Drink
Of water.
Perfection is a breath of fresh air,
Or maybe even stagnant,
Because perfection
Is everywhere.
Perfection is that tree over here
That lake over there
The crazy blue streak
In that girl’s light brown hair.

Perfection
Is constant.
It’s the waves crashing
The river flowing
The clock ticking away every moment we spend together,
Glowing.

Perfection
Is your mother telling you it’s time to come home.
My father telling me to hang up the phone.
Your best friend taking a year long vacation
My history suddenly obtaining clarification.

Perfection is learning
From stupid mistakes.
Perfection is holding hands
Through all the heartaches.
Perfection is black rivers flowing down your gorgeous perfect face
And perfection is knowing there’s nothing we can’t shake.

Because perfection is there
In every code-name fight
And perfection is there
Through every sleepless night.
Perfection is present
On the drives along winding lanes
And perfection is present
When we hide from cars in vain.
Perfection is you
And perfection is me
Because through all our flaws
We’re as perfect as perfect can be.
Yet the world still doesn’t understand that
Nothing is perfection
So perfection
Is everything.

There are certain times
Like when I’m sitting up
In the wee hours of the morning
With tears running silently down my face;
Or when I’m sitting at dinner,
But I’m not really at dinner
That I just…
Need you.
I need to know you’re there.
I need the warmth of your arm,
You sitting next to me.
I need to know I’m not alone.
It’s times like these
That I want to call you.
Hear your voice
Hear you pick up the phone.
Hear that it really is that easy.
But I know that I can’t.
You wouldn’t pick up.
The line would go dead.
For me anyway.
The lightning bugs outside my window
Would cease flickering their tails,
The sky would slowly turn
It’s breathtakingly beautiful rose,
The world would awaken
The symphony would begin
And still
The phone
Would ring.

You wonder why I cover my heart
With a shawl so heavy and thick.
You don’t even understand how impenetrable
It is.

You wish I’d take off this mask
So you could see my soul.
See the pain
The hurt
The anger
The shame.

If I removed my veil
What would you do with what you saw?
Would you laugh?
Would you sigh?
Would you try to help?
I didn’t want to find out
What reaction you would have.
I held everything in.
You thought you knew how to bottle things up.
Honey I invented the cork.
You thought you knew how to hide.
Sorry to break it to you dearest,
But blackout shades?
That idea was mine.
You weren’t about to get in.
I had it all on lock.
Held tight like Fort Knox.

Until

I didn’t.

The windshield cracked
There was a slit in my shades.
A leak in the cork.
The mask
It fell.

I broke down.
You broke in.

And now I no longer wonder
What you would say if I spilled.

And I know for sure,
Thanks to you,
That I’ll never slip up again.

I’m clumsy.
I poured my heart into a cup with no bottom.
Let my soul
Fly into a bar-less cage.
Or maybe..
Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe there were bars on that cage.
So many bars
I couldn’t tell the difference.
Not immediately.
At the beginning,
It all looked normal.
As normal as normal can look
From this perspective
This twisted
Backwards
Sideways
View.
So I went ahead.
And shared my story
Thinking it would be safe.
Then it was as if
I hadn’t said anything at all.
Like the spoon had holes,
The backpack didn’t zip,
There was a hole
In the atmosphere.
The information didn’t make a dent.
You didn’t care.
Or so I thought.
But now I see
It’s more like the opposite.
The box is sealed,
The book is closed,
The cage is a stronghold.
You took my words
My thoughts
My emotions.
Everything I told you.
And locked it away.
Hid it in the back of your mind.
Because
You’re just like me.
You’re afraid to confront it.
To think about it
To deal with it.
You’re afraid
Of caring too much.

Peering into the great abyss
I see,
Past the glare of the blinding sun,
A loneliness so deep
No one can fathom it.
A sadness so complete
No one wants near it.
A vulnerability
Susceptible
To the worst of pollutions.
There’s a fire down there
That could set the world ablaze
And keep it burning
For eons.
And way down deep
Towards the bottom
Of the bottomless pool
Is a light of hope
That something good
Might be found
In this dark, dark world.
The fire brought me in,
****** me down
Into the blue-gray water.
But it’s the hope that kept me swimming,
Kept me searching,
Kept me digging.
The light is why I’m still around.

Day one,
Hour three
I don’t know you
You don’t know me
But I already have a question.

It went downhill from there
Questions coming as fast as the seconds passed leading up to my parents
Departure.
You didn’t know what you were getting yourself into when you said I could count on you
And then you let me follow you home
Like the lost puppy I was.
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into
When I said
Let’s be friends.
Because now all I want to do is trust you
When all my head says is keep it to myself,
Baby, I came here with more than just clothes in my baggage.
But I can’t keep myself from saying too much
And I can’t keep you from saying too little
And I can’t keep myself from wanting to save you.
When I need to save myself.
Because I can’t do this
Again.

I’m supposed to forget my past
But her words were dragons that continue to rear their heads
At inopportune moments.
For every question I ask you, I ask myself fifteen more
And the answers?
Well they’re with the slippers I forgot to pack.
I’m in love with a bunch of letters.
Little pieces of paper that make me nauseous just to look at.
Words that used to mean the world are now just contradictions.

So please don’t ever write me a letter
Because I’ll take that to mean you’re leaving me too.
I know her actions don’t have anything to do with you
But my past isn’t gone
It’s just been put on a shelf
Somewhere else.
And I’m trying so hard to forget where.

You deserve more than this.
You deserve more than the cheesy clichés and the useless words.
You deserve more than the part of my past I won’t tell you
And the rubble that I’m left with.
And for you I want to be more.

I’ve given you my heart on paper multiple times before
I want you to know
That for you, there is no door.
Forget my shoulder,
Let my lend you my spine.
And please if you ever need it,
Let our fingers intertwine.

Friend,
I want to be your windowsill.
I want you to know I’ll always be there,
For you to put your crap on.
I want you to know you can open up my head and look inside and rummage around for a while
If for some bizarre reason you would ever want to that.
I don’t know why you would ever want to do that…
But anyway.
I want to be the notebook that you can write your secrets in
And know no one will ever find them.
I want to be the magic eight ball that you turn to for help
And that has the courage to tell you what you don’t want to hear
Because I know you need to hear it.
I want to be that sticker you put on your wall.
You don’t always look at it,
But you know it’s always there.
Most importantly though,
I want you to think of me as a bottle of glue.
It doesn’t matter what you throw at me,
I’ll always stick with you.

I never knew
How love could be.
How it could catch you off guard
And wrap you in a sense of security.
Like waking up in the middle of the night
Disoriented
And realizing she’s still next to you
And in her sleep she sensed your distress
And curled into your arms.
How it could hit you so suddenly
Like looking around at the world one day
And realizing you want to hand it to her
On a silver platter.
How it can make you feel like you belong somewhere
Even with all your flaws and crooked edges
Like a puzzle piece that finally found its mate.

I never knew
My missing piece would look so different.
So different from what I predicted.
So different from my puzzle.

I never knew.
But I suppose that’s the beauty of it.
I’m certainly not complaining.

Love hits me with everything she does.
Love hits me every time she breathes.
Every time I wake up next to her
And want nothing more than to kiss her shoulders for the rest of my days.
Every time I want nothing more than to kiss her for the rest of my days.
Every time we fight.
Every time we sit next to each other doing nothing more than reading.
Every time we’re both too stubborn to admit we’re both wrong.
Every time I’m drunk.
Every time I’m alone.
Every time I breathe
And my heart aches with every inhale
And every exhale
Because there’s a set of stitches
Where she walked in and took a piece of my heart
And replaced it with a piece of her own.
And that space is more sensitive when she’s gone.
It feels twice the pain of her absence.
Mine
And hers.

I never knew
How love could be.
But I sure like learning new things.

Six days left
In this oasis
In this escape
In this reality we’ve created for ourselves.
Six days left
And it already hurts.

Three days left
Where did my time go?
She’s one floor below me, and I miss her this much
What is twelve hours?

Half a day.
This will be the only thing about our relationship
That isn’t easy.

She has an early morning tomorrow.
Sleeping in our respective beds,
I don’t remember how to sleep alone.

If words could describe perfection,
I would paint a picture of phonemes and morphemes
Of syntax and semantics
Of beauty and wonder.
If words could describe her
I would bridge together vowels
Consonants
Punctuation
Grammar
If words could describe this
Trust me,
I would use them.

Shakespeare
Made up words when nothing else
Seemed right

I’m beginning to see why
He and Mr. Geisel
Were so unsatisfied
With the language at hand.

Five days in and I'm
Keeping myself busy so that I can ignore
The Aching that comes.
That always comes.
I'm afraid to hope that she'll
Be different than the others.
But she seems genuine
And I'm so satiated
When I'm with her.
Trying to be a better person for her,
I've never been with someone who could
Keep the panic over grades and schoolwork
To a dull roar.
I think I've got something remarkable here...
And I miss her.

Three months gone and I realize
What I've been doing wrong.
Almost three years in and I realize
What I should've been doing all along.

It seems
That it always takes me just a little
Too long
To find where I belong.

A week into a relationship
I realize it's the wrong one
She didn't take it well when I told her we were done
Took it even worse when she heard I'd fallen for another
Why'd you take the time, she spat,
Why'd you even bother

I don't know what I'm doing
And turns out, I'm not so good at committing
Kinda backwards, isn't it,
Since this hookup is almost two years running.
I've got a ring around my necklace that says I belong to her
So why is it that I can't stop.

You were everything to me
And I don't know when that changed,
Can't tell you when that ring
Started feeling like a chain.

I know I broke your heart
I know I broke your trust.
But I wasn't being fair to you
The cage around my heart had started gathering rust.

I never thought that I'd
Be the one breaking up
With you.

I thought we understood
But I looked up from my books to see
You'd turned the page in our
Relationship
And suddenly I was in a
Sinking ship
And couldn't find the life raft.

I thought you were my everything
But I took a step just to have the
Rug yanked out from under me
Falling
Time was flying when I thought it was
Creeping
And I never got enough.

It seems I took my share of you
You broke my heart like I broke yours
Both sides of the story
Unintentional
But here we are (I am) wondering what would've
Happened
If I'd put up a fight.

Over the past week I've developed a cough
And with most every breath
I can feel my chest shake and
Rattle.
Finally the sounds inside me
Match
The way I've been feeling.

Your words cut like
Skates through the ice
Making cracks through which your heat
Can seep
Melting the shield
From a thousand different crevices.
Exposing the living,
Moving
System beneath.
Opening it up
To the world again.
Will you sink,
Or will you swim?

Absolutely and without a doubt she is the
Best thing that ever happened me. She strode
Casually and awkwardly into my life, in the process
Defining for me the until-then
Ever-changing parameters of what I wanted.

****, I can’t get out of my mind this blue eyed
Goddess of a girl who is always
Hoping for something more.
I love her so much and yet I have a habit of playing practical
Jokes to hide how much the distance is
Killing me.
Looking at us, you would never know we’ve spent
More months apart than we had together.

Never did I think that she would be The
One; that love would be so easy; that she would be so
Perfect.
Questions ricochet around the mazes of her mind, she examines the world extensively,
Riveting anyone who takes the time to listen to her discoveries.
Sassy, ****, and smart, she’s got everything and
To me she is everything.
Ubiquitous, there is nothing that doesn’t make me think of this girl, life itself serving as a constant
Validation that she exists- that she is not too good to be true.
While the earth rockets its way through space it’s as if
Xanthan gum holds us together, no matter how far apart you
Yank us, we’re stuck like glue. I could talk about her forever, literally
Zillions of words could be said about this wonder of a woman who will never cease to be
The alphabet spelling out the rhythm of my heart.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so completely hated
By someone I so completely loved.
Maybe if I stare long enough
Into the curve of this spoon
It will take me into the past
So I can change the things that now lie behind me.
Maybe if I stare long enough at my reflection
In the windows of this old dilapidated house,
The weights I feel on my shoulders
Will become real
And I’ll actually be able to shrug them off.
Maybe if I keep pretending I’m fine with the goodbye I left you with,
I’ll actually gain the confidence I said it with.
Maybe the things I said will be true.
And I will at least
Have
You.
But the spoon is in the dish-pit,
And the windows are being washed.
The surroundings are new,
There is no you
Here.
Why can’t I clean you out of my head
Like I cleaned you out of my life.
Why can’t I forget all the times you told me the opposite
Of that one sentence you left me with.
Why does that one sentence,
Get to be the ruling power
Why does that one sentence
Get to fill my head.
Why does the one sentence
Erase an entire summer.
Erase upwards of 20,000 texts.
Erase my smile.
Why do you believe her
When all she’s done
Is tear us apart.
You didn’t even hear my side
Before you cut the final thread.

I hope you feel better.
I hope hating me is doing things for you.
I hope you’re channeling all those thoughts that made you feel like a dying flower
Into an anger at me
And I hope you can write again.
Because your best friend is gone,
And now I’m gone too.
There was only ever so much I could do
And now my time is through.

For a little while there,
You were the stars in my sky.
The sun shone out of your ***,
And my shoulder was your eternal tissue.
You made me a better person.
I wanted to be a better person for you.

Emotions are a funny thing.
I’m trying to shut mine off.
I think you’ve lost yours.

You know
The movies never show
What happens to the other person.
The person who gets left.
The person that your protagonist realizes
Wasn’t what he wanted after all.
They never show the destruction caused
The avalanche of hurt and self-deprecating thoughts and low self-esteem
That they become.
They never show how that person is left
Thinking they weren’t good enough
And they never will be.
The movies show you that leaving
Is ok.
That it’s fine to flip from person to person
From side to side
They don’t show you how to deal with it
When you’ve hurt someone
Possibly beyond repair.

I’ve been known
To take on more than I can handle.
To see the overflowing ocean
That contains the tears of the world
And to try to catch every single one
With my own two hands.

I’ve been known
To fall apart at the seams
When I realize there are droplets
Falling
Through the cracks of my fingers.

I’ve been known
To cave in on myself
And blame my hands
For never being big enough.

I’ve been known
To seem reminiscent of the sea,
Always coming back for more
No matter how many times I’ve been pushed away
By the shore.

I’ve been known
To love too easy,
To trust too much,
To land myself in quagmire
After quagmire
After sinking ship,
Giving off the impression that I was always calmly floating
While inside this dappled shell of ginger
And cinnamon
And sass
I’ve been barely clinging to the flotsam.

I’ve been known to get too attached
Blind faith my only guide
Occasionally mistaking the plank for
Solid ground
And walking right off it.

I’ve been known to backfire.
I’ve been known to sink my own ship.
I’ve been known to set out
With none-but-moral intentions
And end up lost
In the map of my own mind.

I’ve been known to drop the sails
Lower the colours
Abandon ship
Upon finding myself in the middle of a self-made
Maelstrom.

I have been known to ignore the lighthouse
Become a sponge
And crash into the rocky shore.
Absorbing all the hurt so seamlessly you’d think I’d been wrung dry

I’ve been known to dive in headfirst
And come up seething
When I realized the storm was more
Than I could handle

All I ever wanted
Was to save the world
With my own two hands.

Now I have my own savior
Handing me a bucket
And reminding me
That every storm is just a bunch of drops
And that all cracks can be repaired

**** dark and stormy nights.
It was really **** sunny,
But that didn’t change anything.
That didn’t stop you
From turning it all around.
Didn’t stop you
From taking it all back.
I don’t know what to believe
But I know I don’t believe you.
I choose to believe the past.
The things that I knew radiated truth
Because of how your voice shook saying them.
I’ll take the stammered hopes,
The sweaty palms,
And the never ending reel of things gone wrong,
Over the screen bleeding black and white
Any day.


I would continue to spin for you a web of your perfections,
If only you would let me back.

I made it so far
But then I got to the beach and craved
Insanity.
From there to the end
My natural getting-home-from-work reaction was to
Crack open a beer
I think I felt like at that point
The fumes knew me better than you did,
And for them at least I didn’t have to
Explain myself.
I ****** up enough meals that I gave the cooking duties
To you.
Maybe if you pay attention to the stove you won’t look at my face not looking at you
Not knowing what to do,
How many times I avoided eye contact
Always trying to find something to point out
So it looked like I at least had some sort of reason
Just covering up the treason
That I probably should’ve felt bad for.
Feeling bad and feeling paranoid
Are not the same thing
And I only felt one of the two.
Flat beer
Old wine
Lukewarm liquor
I never knew a sink full of ***** dishes could spark such a fire
Scars left from burns can still feel phantom warmth.
The smell of burning butter
Not even a diet change could fix what was going wrong
A suggestion made for “health reasons”
You’ll never know what I was patching up.
I never knew how much hope could be contained
In eight ounces of soybean mush.
Now I’m back to where I was before
Only sometimes self-medicating to the point of remembering what it’s like
To not remember
But never sad to remember
What it’s like to wake up next to her.

You hate it when I stare at you
I know.
But you don't understand that
When I look at you
The world
It just...
It just stops.
It stops and nothing else exists except for you
And my eyes looking at you.

There is nothing else.
The people in the room
Melt away.
The worries I have?
All *******.
There's no yesterday
No tomorrow
No differences that can tear us apart
Or tear my eyes off you.
You make everything else
Distant
And insignificant
Compared to the magnitude of my
Love
For you.
And the beauty and depth and wonders
Of the soul that I see
In your eyes.

I see your pain
And your joy;
I notice your laughter and your struggles and all the things that intrigue you
And all of it fascinates me.

I want to know all of it.
I want to know what turns you on,
I want to know what makes you click,
I want to know what you think about
When you have long car rides to yourself.
I want to know what infuriates you
I want to know what on earth could turn your beautiful eyes into fires of hatred and loathing,
Or melt them into pools of the softest adoration.
I want to know your future,
And what you see in it.
And I want to know if you prefer blue Jell-O or red.
And do you ever wish you were short
Just so you could always win at hide-and-go-seek?
Or maybe as tall as a redwood so that you would never have to wonder how a bird sees the world.
If you could go to the moon, would you?
Or would you stay here, in mock safety, to welcome home those who went in your place?
If you could have one super power
Would you care to hear everyone's thoughts
Or would you want to be able to run
Fast as a speeding bullet
Away from here.
I want to know your wildest fantasies
And can we make them a reality together.
I want to know your past
I want to know what makes you who you are
And what brought you here
To me.
I want to know everything
Hold back nothing
But not until you're ready.

When I look at you
I just want to talk.
Forever.
About everything and nothing
And when I look at you I want to sit in silence
Because that's comfortable too.
When I look at you
I want to spill my soul
Because I know you'd catch it.
I can see it
In your eyes.

When I look at you
I draw from your strength
I refresh from your smiles
And I remember who I am.

When I look at you
You are the only thing that exists.
You
And my eyes looking at you.
And it is truly beautiful.
You are truly beautiful.
And that
Is why I stare.

This is a story
Of the girl who was never the prettiest.
She was never the skinniest
Never the most popular
Never the absolute smartest
Never invited to all of the parties.
She was above average,
But never the best.
This is the story
Of the girl
Who lived to make everyone around her happy.
The girl who knew what it felt like to hurt
Knew what sobbing sounded like
Late in the night
When no one else was around.
This is the story of the girl
Who held her emotions inside
Because she wanted to help others
Instead of focusing on herself.
The story of the girl who forgot what happy
Felt like.
She forgot what it was like
To wake up in the morning
And not worry about what people might read in her face
Might see in her eyes
Might think about her appearance.
She couldn’t stop wondering
Why people never noticed
That underneath her perfectly composed
Wonderfully put together
Outer layer,
She was tearing at the seams.
This is the story of a girl
Who was living life
On the edge of a breakdown
Until her fall-down
Brought her around.
This is the story of the girl
Who got out of her town
Was forced to figure out who she was
And finally got the opportunity to make herself happy.
Finally stopped caring
What other people might think.
The girl
Who kissed the girl
Because that’s what was going to make her happy.
The girl
Who held her hand
Because that’s what she wanted to do.
The girl
Who came back home for break
And told her friends,
Through the terror and with a shaking voice,
That she has a girlfriend now
And she’s finally happy.
And listened with relief
As her two best friends
Said the things she always knew they would say.
“I don’t care who you like.
I don’t care what you do.
I’m glad you’re making yourself
Happy.”

You coated your hands in hairspray and
Let the sand of my hourglass
Filter through them.
Glancing at it,
It seems only a hot minute has passed with you
While in reality
Four hours just flew.

I trusted you,
You lied to me.
I've known for weeks.

I no longer feel bad about re-finding your tumblr.
Both times.

You became my sun.
So easily and quickly.
You’ve always been one to light up a room,
And when this started up again,
My heart was empty space.

But even before I saw you again
You were so intense
Even if only in your mystery.

Mystery…that sounds more like the moon.
But I always kind of imagined myself as a moon
More in the background,
Coming out to play once those who shone had gone to bed,
Changing faces throughout the phases
Never able to decide who I was
Only sometimes disappearing.
The moon – always perceived as cooler and calmer,
An esoteric symbol of reflection and transition,
In a constant competition with the sun,
But with you I have changed.

You tell me I am sassier than sassafras,
An unambiguous product of the land,
And that I keep you grounded.
Does that make me your earth, my love?
Benefitting from your warmth,
You melted my ice caps when I was numb to the core.
Growing from your glow,
Your light refracts,
Illuminating,
You brought to life the parts of me that were forgotten,
Allowing the caged soul to sing.
No matter how I stand, I can feel your presence,
Even when you’re far away,
Enveloping me, encouraging me
Your heat preserved in my atmosphere,
My very aura.
With you, I have become my best self.

The attraction is tangible,
Me pulled towards you, you pulled towards me,
An everlasting orbit,
A never-ending dance.
One without the other,
Just doesn’t make sense.

You are my sun.
I might be your ground.
In any galaxy,
Any universe,
I’d want you around.

It’s funny,
How meeting someone new,
Can redefine a concept
You thought you knew.

You were always my sun
I told you that a thousand times before
Every morning and in nearly every poem.
You lit my life
You kept me warm
You made me happy.

Even now that you ended it
Even though I remember our last few months were rough
I can't focus on anything but the good times.
The warmth in your smile
Watching the pulse in your neck in the morning
When I was big spoon.
The way you danced when you put on make up
The way you danced when we brushed our teeth (together, always)
The way you danced your way into my heart
And danced all over it while I showed you my world
And danced to my lips so that I'd kiss you while I grinned.
You were perfect.
We were perfect.

I'm left numb and cold,
Emotionless.
But I can't hate you
Because I can't remember if or why
I should

I have to remember
That you shattered me,
My world,
and everything I knew
Just to see if I'd come running back to you.

I didn't know.
I respected your decision.
And now
I live knowing that I was presented with
The only test that mattered
And I failed.

As long as you don't bring attention to yourself
You'll be safe.

Yes.
But how many others
Won't be

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I
l
  o
     v
          e
                y
                         o
                                    u

I will never be able to say it enough times
To get you out of my system.

You
Are the worst thing that ever happened to my writing because
You
Are all I want to write about ever ever ever and
You
Are far more than words could ever dream of describing.

I need you
To undress me until there’s nothing left.
Unwrap the layers until you’ve unraveled the mystery,
Left it bare,
Freed me from my mind.
Because I can’t take it in here anymore.

Our existences have to be on the same wavelength
To excite my heart like a photon
Absorbing the energy of your love.

She’s like a northern magnet
Pulling on my southern roots.
Roaming around in different circles,
Opposites attract they say.
More similar than some would like,
They tell us we can’t be together.
But we seem to be defying them pretty well.
All I really know these days,
Is that I like mornings a hell of a lot more
When I wake up next to her.

You pick your lips.
From worry or anxiousness
Or just plain boredom
I may never know
But
If I were with you I would glue your lips to mine
With love that tastes like honey
With care that smells like a bud before it blooms
With hope that this thing will work out
Until you forget
Why your lips are chapped in the first place

Sometimes I kiss you with eyes
Open
So that I can watch the
Lovely
Curve of your jawline as your lips
Move
With mine

In terms of smiles,
Is crooked a synonym for broken?
And in terms of lies,
If your tears are black, do they match your heart?

It used to be
That I refused sleep
So I could lie awake and look at you
While you drifted
In peaceful reverie.

These days
I beg to dream
So that maybe I can find you
Behind these eyes
That you love so much
As they close in blissful slumber.

We feel the need to capture light
And put it in jars
With holes in the lid.
As if we could capture stars.

We sit on the deck as darkness falls
And watch the weakened sky break,
Get punctured with holes.
We were never good with the dark.

We sit at a table with food left untouched
And lock eyes in battle,
Let heated words fly.
One of us has to be right.

We sit on our *****
And watch progress come at us
Laugh as it passes us by.
Someone else can change the world.

For some reason
The error page
Is what broke my heart

Taking in air around you is this
Small-city-bred,
Red-haired-and-freckle-covered,
College kid's version of
Breathing dreams

I spent so many suns searching for gods
So many moons searching for you.

After all this time
It turns out

You can't fall back on feelings
That are no longer there.

When you get here
It will be like my missing piece has finally come back
Raindrops rejoining an ocean.
I like to think you’ll come in gently
But knowing us
It’ll be a storm.

How lovely
That as the air chills and
Turns in on itself
The world lights herself on fire
In hues of warmth and tones of comfort.

You were always a point of interest.
Ever since the day you walked into the student lounge
When you were the only one I hadn't met.
I was always absorbed with other things

I tried to make time to get to know you.
Between band and classes and activities
And everything that was happening
I always felt like I was failing you

I couldn't pretend anymore.
I tried to push her away
And make room for you in my life.
Nothing ever worked

I couldn't take it anymore.
The stress got to me,
I ended with you.
I regretted it immediately.

I came crawling back.
Laced with a trail of Smarties,
I always wanted someone as smart as you.
Thank God you took me back.

I made it just in time for summer.
800 miles,
Twelve and a half hours.
The ultimate test

I had faith in us.
I had made my decision,
I was sticking with you.
Did you feel the same?

We made it through.
106 days apart,
Made up for with 144 days together.
It seems meant to be

We talk about the future.
But the future will forever be a dream
Unless I get my **** together.
I have always been a coward

We are perfect together.
I just need to tell them
That I'm not who they think I am.
I will always be afraid to tell them

I have made plans.
So many plans
For so many aspects.
I just need to tell them

I want to spend my life with you.
Dancing, cooking, researching,
Testing all the furniture in the store.
Just one thing left to do

I want to travel the world with you.
This trip has been wonderful,
But it hasn't been the same without you.
It is long past the time to tell them

You are the only thing that I want.
You can make everything go away
You make the world bearable.
You make me strong

I'm almost ready for it.
They need to know soon.
I will make it through.
Which rejection would be worse?

I love you.
You will always be the best thing
That I have ever had.
*Losing them would be worth keeping you

I deserve better
Than someone who chose to let go
I say to myself
Whilst my heart aches with the weight of
A lifetime of
"I love you"s
And everything that would've come with them
Lost.

My heart keeps pumping
Blood keeps flowing
Feet keep stepping
Always moving
Because stopping means paralysis.
When I sit I'm stuck,
My brain on repeat
Loop after loop
Of memories from the last year and a half
And phrases out of a letter written
From the depths of ultimate sadness,
This is all my fault.
And I can't get past it.
I feel like a living contradiction.
How can one hurt so much,
While feeling so numb?
I can't tell if my heart keeps skipping beats
Because of the power of the love I still have for you
Or the pain it can't handle.

If I've realized nothing else
I've learned that love is real
It just rarely has
Good timing.

Squigly lines
And dots.
Question marks punctuate my every thought.
Leaves fall,
Seasons change.
That doesn’t eradicate the pain.
Time passes
Memories fade
Everything’s tainted, but look at the blade
It’s retracting
Getting duller,
It’s easier to remember the events of that summer.
My breath
Doesn’t catch,
Every time my head picks up a ******
Of a thought of you.

I used to feel.
Harmonies sung from the tips of my nerves
Anthems ran through my veins.
Hurt crunched like leaves underfoot
Fire could burn on for days.

I used to know
That everything was real
I had no doubt in my mind.
Like was like
Love was love
Passion quite often defined.

And then everything stopped.
I put it all in a box
Because frankly, crunching can get quite annoying.
I tried to recall it and air it back out but
The air hung thick this summer and
Nothing ever really got completely dry.

Mold grew
Tainting everything and now
I can never tell what's clean
And what's a fabrication of my mind.

Running through the yard
With a jar
Trying to capture the flickering
Incandescent
Floating
***** of light.

Laying in a bed
With my sister
And might-as-well-be-my-sister friend
Trying to be quiet
Silent
Hushed.
Because “Daddy’s home”
In our game of house.

Racing to the ocean
To see who could get the farthest
Before falling.
Jumping waves
That we named
“Bigfoot.”

Bolting around
In my pink boots
With my red 'fro.
Fast
As.
Lightning.

Three stockings on Christmas
One with toys and candy
The second with practical and traditional.
The third
Fruit
Nuts
Chocolate.

Catching caterpillars
Under the jungle gym
Building
Jarred
Kingdoms.

Learning to eat swiftly.
Because with a family this big
You have
To act
Fast.

Wearing a shirt in the sun
To avoid that sunburn
That always turns my Irish skin
Red
As
A lobster.

Building bears
Every November
Broadway
On the
Beach.

Sledding down a hill
Forcing your dad to ride with you
Because it’s steep
And you’re afraid
Of crashing and
Getting
Hurt.

Birthdays at the cabin
Everyone was always invited
Willingly or not.
Cookout
Water fights
Slip and slides.

Sitting in a tree
With my best friend
Surrounded by pink
Fluffy
Petals
Waiting for sisters’ soccer practice to end.

Running over to their house
Uninvited
Always welcomed anyway.
Monopoly
Trivial pursuit (Disney version of course)
Blanket forts
And popcorn.

Jumping into the pile
Of freshly raked colours.
The fall always cushioned.
***
Always
Protected.

Even my friends' parents
Know to command me
To
Reapply
Sunblock.

Hurrying to Mimi’s every weekend
Warmth of love
Stomach always full
To bursting
With hot
Delicious
Food.

Waiting till the last second to turn off the TV
Before leaving the house
Lest you miss the ending
Of a new episode
Of Rugrats
Hey, Arnold
Or Catdog.

Holidays at home
Surrounded by the people
You love
Care for
Nurture
Accept.

Running to mother
Crying when she pours the stinging liquid
On scraped
Palms
Knees
Elbows.

Staring at the sea
Trying desperately to see
The other side.
Feeling full
Content
Complete.

Hoping he finally got the hint
Knowing he did.
Hearing
He chose
Her
Instead.

Running outside
To play in the warm soap-less shower
Bare feet
Wet hair
Wet clothes.
Wishing the gods
Would never stop
Bowling.

Walking to a field
With your best friend
Finding the exact center
So you can sit
And talk
With
Or without
Words.

Searching for hours
Through green, green fields
To find the lost
Sign
Of luck
Of hope
Lost
Amid thousand of imposters.

Struggling to understand
Why she suddenly
Doesn’t want
To talk
Anymore.

Snowball fights
And a whole snow family
Followed by
Hot chocolate
Hot cider
And movies.

Anticipating leaving Nana’s
Because that’s when we each got our ration
Of coated
Branded
Chocolate
That we always took for granted.

Grappling with the notion
Of that solution
Helping
Rather than
Hurting.

Tangled up in feelings
Of abandonment
Hope
Disappointment
Love
Pain
Certainty
Doubt
Loss.
A­cceptance.

Competing for the top spot
In everything I do
With no one
But
Myself.

Basking in the summer’s warmth
Both from the sun and from your friends
Always
Avoiding
Sunburn.

Worrying about everything
From whether or not
I’ll fall off my bike
To what
The future
Holds.

Sitting by the community pool
Arguing
Every day.
With your
Best
Friend
Forever.


Holding on to my stubbornness
For dear life
Because it’s
What’s gotten
Me through.

Laying on a bench
Listening to the waves
Staring at the stars
Feeling as small
As a human
In a universe.

This is where I came from
Now I wonder
Where am I going?

"Stand back,"
They say.
"Lay low,"
They ask.
Never stick your neck out
Too far.
But if everyone retracts into their shell
At the first signs of progress,
Will the world stay the same,
It will it go backwards.

Love is dangerous
Love is safe.

Love is easy
Love is hard.

Love is terrible
Love is beautiful.

Love is rough
Love is gentile.

And kind.
And honest.

Love forgives
And cherishes
And values.

Love changes with you
And never questions why
She grows with you
And helps to ease the pains.

She walks with you
Picking you up when you fall
And holding the light
When you need to tie your shoes.

Love will hold the umbrella
When it rains on your face
And slap you with sunscreen
When life is getting a little too sunny.

Love reminds you to brush your teeth
If only because she doesn’t want to kiss you
When you have awful breath.
And love makes you wash your hands
Because she knows that if you get sick,
She’s going down with you.
And she doesn’t have time for that.

Love wants you to take care of yourself
Because she needs to take of herself
And while you are separate,
Individuals,
You are one and the same.

Love will make fun of you
When you’re being ridiculous,
And look at you like no one else exists
When you’re in sweats and a t-shirt.

Love with cuddle with you
When you feel disgusting after a long day
And tell you to get the heck off her bed
When you’re sweating like a man.

She will love you when you’re afraid,
When you’re brilliant,
When you’ve done something to please her,
When you don’t deserve it.

And love will get mad at you when you're awful,
When you’re being insensitive,
When you’re a ****,
And for reasons you don’t understand.

Love will wonder
Why you love her,
Why you stick it out,
Why you think she’s beautiful.

Love might want an answer
But sometimes there’s no way to say
That the mood swings
The difficulties
The roller coaster;
The warmth
The joy
The safety;
That everything about her
Is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Every moment hurts differently.
Like a crippled butterfly
Traversing a hurricane.