I'm afraid of how easy this is
And how well we align.
If we don't have to fight for it,
Is it even real?

Five years long our story stretches
Each one a different tale
And seeing you fills me with ghosts.

She doesn't inspire poetry.
She demands song instead,
The way a breeze calls forth a melody
From a glass bottle's rounded lip.

Even when we cared about each other with all that we had
We were still too into ourselves to work out.

~

I should've known we were in our prime
The brightest stars are in their ending stages.

~

I never thought you'd walk away,
And that was the problem.

~

I'm afraid to try to give myself to anyone now.
What if they take it.

~

You will never leave me.
And I'm beginning to get to be ok with that.

I wanted you to say you were on your way.
I wanted you to say you were coming.
I wanted you to say you didn't have to be my ex anymore
Not just my friend.
I wanted to see if we'd changed.
But I was afraid of messing it up again
Afraid that if we repeated the cycle
Next time we wouldn't have survived.
I wanted everything and nothing because
Even in its nonsense
Where we're at now
Is what makes the most sense.

When you kiss me
I don't need to see the stars.
I feel them
In every nerve ending.
Supernovas imploding at each cell touching you.
Weightless as we
Drift through cosmic stardust.

With you I'm an astronaut.
I'm a deep sea explorer
A sky diver
A bungee jumper.
With you
I'm weightless
Fearless
Endless.
With you
I am everything I wanted to be
And more.
With you my eyes see things they never saw before
My heart feels things it didn't think existed
My brain cannot keep up.
I wish I could express my love
As lucidly as I feel it.

Taking in air around you is this
Small-city-bred,
Red-haired-and-freckle-covered,
College kid's version of
Breathing dreams

I deserve better
Than someone who chose to let go
I say to myself
Whilst my heart aches with the weight of
A lifetime of
"I love you"s
And everything that would've come with them
Lost.

Like putting a hand on a bright red burner
Just to make sure it's actually hot
Isn't it funny how it takes something hurting us
For us to realize
That it's real.

Yours is the only voice
That can change my heart to match its rhythm.
The only voice in which I lose the words
Focusing on the way you say them.
I think you reading a grocery list
Would still somehow give me butterflies
And turn me on.

Forward
Back
Forward
Back
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Deafened by the air whooshing past your ears
Or by the thoughts scrambling through your head?
But no, you're here to tune those out
Pump forward
Lean back
Only enough silence to hear by at the crest of each arc
Trying to ignore it all
Only mildly successful
Inhale
Exhale
Forward
Back

I remember the way your words felt
As they burned into my heart,
And the way the look in your eyes tasted
When it gave me cravings
No one else can sate.

They said the hunger would fade.
How laughable.

You coated your hands in hairspray and
Let the sand of my hourglass
Filter through them.
Glancing at it,
It seems only a hot minute has passed with you
While in reality
Four hours just flew.

You kissed me and
We departed and
I walked around seeing nothing.
They tell me it was a beautiful day
But my mind's eye is elsewhere
Nothing has changed.
Nine months later and I'm still
Addicted to your lips.

When the one you know
You will always love becomes
The only one who will
Use everything she knows about you
To hurt you
Time and time again
What do you do?

Babe....
Oh my butter patty.
She's right.
People don't change.
This side of you has
Been there all along I was just
Too in love with you
To see it.

It's amazing
How even 9 months later
It's like you can sense when I'm feeling weak and
You can do something
From so far away
That manages to
Knock the breath out of me and leave me
Feeling empty
Once again.
It's also amazing
How obviously deliberate it is.
And how I know
I shouldn't care but how much
I do.

Some days
I am so over you that
I could look to the sky and thank it for
Relieving me of the extra weight
Finally.
And then sometimes I'll hear a
Five note sequence come on the radio
And it's like it played the keyboard that is
My heart and
Opened the door that
Always belonged to you and
I can fall to the earth with
Memories
And longing.

Sometimes you fall for the wrong person
At the wrong time
In the wrong place.
Sometimes it's an infatuation and so
It doesn't really matter.
But sometimes those people
At those times
In those places
Are the ones that save you from yourself,
And that's why they're so important.

While I do not know how to live without loving you
I've learned to live without that kind of love.

I've always said you were my sun
And I stand by that,
Ves como nada puede tocar el sol?
So I always wondered how I,
Your lowly earth,
Could have done so much damage.
And that's when I realized
I'm not earth.
I never have been.
My soul has always been a fire's greatest enemy
Fluid.
Capable of drenching you to the bone.
I don't know how I missed it
You can even see it in my eyes
My soul flows like the blood in my veins
Like rivers through the country side
Like the water from the firefighters' hose.

Always moving
Always adapting
Slowly changing those things with which it has
The most contact.

It's excruciatingly hard to tell
If I smile less now because
I'm always focused on trying to
Understand this new language,
Your language,
And this is my concentration face,
The face you used to love,
Or if I smile less now
Because learning this language
Your language,
Reminds me constantly
That I no longer have you.

Does she make you happy?
Can she make you laugh?
Was it that easy to forget?

Does she treat you like a queen?
Does she kiss you when you smile?
Was I that easy to forget?

In the midst of the broken promises
And the forgotten agreements
I guess I just want to know,
Are you happy with her?

Why is it so hard
Not to love you?

I'm so done
I say as I continue
Thinking about her weekly
Daily
Hourly.
Thinking of gifts to buy her during my travels
Looking through pictures.
I secretly love the pain that shoots through me with every
Swipe of the finger.
I think I deserve it.

And then she's back
And she's there and it's normal and you're
Talking and you can breathe again and
The world has colour again and
Music makes sense again and then
You have to remind yourself that
It's not.
There's nothing normal about this and
She isn't yours
Anymore.

Sinking into the depths of your memories
For what seems like years
Only to resurface and find
You're braced against every surface
In the vicinity.
It's as if even your body realizes
Your mind is unsteady.

Getting over her is like
An addict
White knuckling their way
Through recovery.
Just when you think you're better
You get a whiff,
A glimpse,
A fleeting memory that
Breaks you and
You relapse,
Only to start again.

I thought we understood
But I looked up from my books to see
You'd turned the page in our
Relationship
And suddenly I was in a
Sinking ship
And couldn't find the life raft.

I thought you were my everything
But I took a step just to have the
Rug yanked out from under me
Falling
Time was flying when I thought it was
Creeping
And I never got enough.

It seems I took my share of you
You broke my heart like I broke yours
Both sides of the story
Unintentional
But here we are (I am) wondering what would've
Happened
If I'd put up a fight.

Over the past week I've developed a cough
And with most every breath
I can feel my chest shake and
Rattle.
Finally the sounds inside me
Match
The way I've been feeling.

You were always my sun
I told you that a thousand times before
Every morning and in nearly every poem.
You lit my life
You kept me warm
You made me happy.

Even now that you ended it
Even though I remember our last few months were rough
I can't focus on anything but the good times.
The warmth in your smile
Watching the pulse in your neck in the morning
When I was big spoon.
The way you danced when you put on make up
The way you danced when we brushed our teeth (together, always)
The way you danced your way into my heart
And danced all over it while I showed you my world
And danced to my lips so that I'd kiss you while I grinned.
You were perfect.
We were perfect.

I'm left numb and cold,
Emotionless.
But I can't hate you
Because I can't remember if or why
I should

I have to remember
That you shattered me,
My world,
and everything I knew
Just to see if I'd come running back to you.

I didn't know.
I respected your decision.
And now
I live knowing that I was presented with
The only test that mattered
And I failed.

You are everywhere
And everything
And I miss you.

I knew you were
Too good to be true.

This friendship used to be a picture perfect sunrise
But over time it has faded
And oversaturated,
And we've become blinded.
The sunrise is over,
Now time to wait for the sun to set.

Perfection
Is constant.
It’s everywhere
And in everything.
But our perception of it is not.
For us,
Perfection is fleeting.
It comes in small doses
Like a shot of tequila.
It shocks on impact
Then warms from within.
Perfection lingers
For as long as the good feeling stays.
The problem?
We know that shortly
The liquor will wear off
And the world will again be *****
Smelly
Ugly
Imperfect.

But you…
You stay.
You stay past the buzz
Past the next-morning feeling
Past the hangover
Past the fog.
You’re still here.
You’re still perfect.
Because what people don’t get is that since nothing is perfect,
Everything
Is perfect.
Perfection isn’t a shot of tequila
But a long
Tall
Drink
Of water.
Perfection is a breath of fresh air,
Or maybe even stagnant,
Because perfection
Is everywhere.
Perfection is that tree over here
That lake over there
The crazy blue streak
In that girl’s light brown hair.

Perfection
Is constant.
It’s the waves crashing
The river flowing
The clock ticking away every moment we spend together,
Glowing.

Perfection
Is your mother telling you it’s time to come home.
My father telling me to hang up the phone.
Your best friend taking a year long vacation
My history suddenly obtaining clarification.

Perfection is learning
From stupid mistakes.
Perfection is holding hands
Through all the heartaches.
Perfection is black rivers flowing down your gorgeous perfect face
And perfection is knowing there’s nothing we can’t shake.

Because perfection is there
In every code-name fight
And perfection is there
Through every sleepless night.
Perfection is present
On the drives along winding lanes
And perfection is present
When we hide from cars in vain.
Perfection is you
And perfection is me
Because through all our flaws
We’re as perfect as perfect can be.
Yet the world still doesn’t understand that
Nothing is perfection
So perfection
Is everything.

Running through the yard
With a jar
Trying to capture the flickering
Incandescent
Floating
***** of light.

Laying in a bed
With my sister
And might-as-well-be-my-sister friend
Trying to be quiet
Silent
Hushed.
Because “Daddy’s home”
In our game of house.

Racing to the ocean
To see who could get the farthest
Before falling.
Jumping waves
That we named
“Bigfoot.”

Bolting around
In my pink boots
With my red 'fro.
Fast
As.
Lightning.

Three stockings on Christmas
One with toys and candy
The second with practical and traditional.
The third
Fruit
Nuts
Chocolate.

Catching caterpillars
Under the jungle gym
Building
Jarred
Kingdoms.

Learning to eat swiftly.
Because with a family this big
You have
To act
Fast.

Wearing a shirt in the sun
To avoid that sunburn
That always turns my Irish skin
Red
As
A lobster.

Building bears
Every November
Broadway
On the
Beach.

Sledding down a hill
Forcing your dad to ride with you
Because it’s steep
And you’re afraid
Of crashing and
Getting
Hurt.

Birthdays at the cabin
Everyone was always invited
Willingly or not.
Cookout
Water fights
Slip and slides.

Sitting in a tree
With my best friend
Surrounded by pink
Fluffy
Petals
Waiting for sisters’ soccer practice to end.

Running over to their house
Uninvited
Always welcomed anyway.
Monopoly
Trivial pursuit (Disney version of course)
Blanket forts
And popcorn.

Jumping into the pile
Of freshly raked colours.
The fall always cushioned.
***
Always
Protected.

Even my friends' parents
Know to command me
To
Reapply
Sunblock.

Hurrying to Mimi’s every weekend
Warmth of love
Stomach always full
To bursting
With hot
Delicious
Food.

Waiting till the last second to turn off the TV
Before leaving the house
Lest you miss the ending
Of a new episode
Of Rugrats
Hey, Arnold
Or Catdog.

Holidays at home
Surrounded by the people
You love
Care for
Nurture
Accept.

Running to mother
Crying when she pours the stinging liquid
On scraped
Palms
Knees
Elbows.

Staring at the sea
Trying desperately to see
The other side.
Feeling full
Content
Complete.

Hoping he finally got the hint
Knowing he did.
Hearing
He chose
Her
Instead.

Running outside
To play in the warm soap-less shower
Bare feet
Wet hair
Wet clothes.
Wishing the gods
Would never stop
Bowling.

Walking to a field
With your best friend
Finding the exact center
So you can sit
And talk
With
Or without
Words.

Searching for hours
Through green, green fields
To find the lost
Sign
Of luck
Of hope
Lost
Amid thousand of imposters.

Struggling to understand
Why she suddenly
Doesn’t want
To talk
Anymore.

Snowball fights
And a whole snow family
Followed by
Hot chocolate
Hot cider
And movies.

Anticipating leaving Nana’s
Because that’s when we each got our ration
Of coated
Branded
Chocolate
That we always took for granted.

Grappling with the notion
Of that solution
Helping
Rather than
Hurting.

Tangled up in feelings
Of abandonment
Hope
Disappointment
Love
Pain
Certainty
Doubt
Loss.
A­cceptance.

Competing for the top spot
In everything I do
With no one
But
Myself.

Basking in the summer’s warmth
Both from the sun and from your friends
Always
Avoiding
Sunburn.

Worrying about everything
From whether or not
I’ll fall off my bike
To what
The future
Holds.

Sitting by the community pool
Arguing
Every day.
With your
Best
Friend
Forever.


Holding on to my stubbornness
For dear life
Because it’s
What’s gotten
Me through.

Laying on a bench
Listening to the waves
Staring at the stars
Feeling as small
As a human
In a universe.

This is where I came from
Now I wonder
Where am I going?

Staring into space trying
To keep it together.
Eventually focus on the memory your eyes
Have rested on.
Pain seeps through the nothing that you had been working so hard
To keep.
Thoughts flood into the void that you had just
Emptied.

Driving back in the pouring rain faster
Than you should.
Slightly more reckless
It's a miracle you're alive
Half sad, half surprised,
The half that's kindofgladyouguess
Mixed in there somewhere.

Testing limits allows you
To breathe.
It's hard to remember how when your brain is a broken record
Stuck on all your recent failures.

Stumble in late
As has become usual.
Making it home to your roommates reminds you
What you haven't lost yet.
Keeping you going
For another day.

If I sleep until I die
Maybe I'll wake up into a happier time

My heart keeps pumping
Blood keeps flowing
Feet keep stepping
Always moving
Because stopping means paralysis.
When I sit I'm stuck,
My brain on repeat
Loop after loop
Of memories from the last year and a half
And phrases out of a letter written
From the depths of ultimate sadness,
This is all my fault.
And I can't get past it.
I feel like a living contradiction.
How can one hurt so much,
While feeling so numb?
I can't tell if my heart keeps skipping beats
Because of the power of the love I still have for you
Or the pain it can't handle.

If I've realized nothing else
I've learned that love is real
It just rarely has
Good timing.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I
l
  o
     v
          e
                y
                         o
                                    u

I will never be able to say it enough times
To get you out of my system.

i'm out of tears and out of hope.
your grace period has ended
and still no word.
the sleep won't come but i see no reason
to get out of bed.
we were perfect and now
pictures
memories
and a pain inducing toothbrush
are all i'm left with.
maybe one day
the hunger will return.

i can't say i didn't see it coming
but that doesn't make it easier.
for feeling so empty
i've never felt so heavy.

Our existences have to be on the same wavelength
To excite my heart like a photon
Absorbing the energy of your love.

I wish you had no feelings
And it remained purely physical.
Physical is easy.
Physical is workable
It's tangible
It's intense. Particularly
Right now.
If we kissed right now we'd
Melt into each other
In the heat of the moment purely from
My desire for you.
Communicated through every nerve ending currently
Brushing your back
Brushing your arm
Gripping your neck.
Feelings complicate
They dominate
They make all above scenarios
impossible.
Because with feelings
If it happened,
You'd never let it go
And this would be better
Transient.

The tree is beautiful
But nothing compares
To the roots.

Melodies catch attention
But songs are empty
Without the harmonies.

Youth is sharp
But life is simple
Without the depth of age.

Teach me your roots.
Sing me your harmonies.
Let me be there to see the development
Of every crease,
Every wrinkle,
Every stupendous
Life-giving breath.

There is black and white,
And then there is you.

I know
because every time I hear the word "love"
My mind would jump to you
If it wasn't already there.

I know
Because every time you walk in a room
I worry that you can hear my heart
Knocking against my teeth.

I know
Because you can trace the structure of my bones
And tell the story of us.
But our story grows and so do I,
So do we,
To make room for more memories.

I know
Because for the first time
Since I became old enough to harbor an awareness,
And dislike,
Of my body,
I believe someone when they say I'm beautiful.

I knew
The day I unthinkingly referred to a place
That I had never considered more than temporary
As "home."
The only reason I could fathom
Is that it's where you are.

Her beauty hatches butterflies in my innards.
I lost my breath the first time I saw her
And every time after that.

You became my sun.
So easily and quickly.
You’ve always been one to light up a room,
And when this started up again,
My heart was empty space.

But even before I saw you again
You were so intense
Even if only in your mystery.

Mystery…that sounds more like the moon.
But I always kind of imagined myself as a moon
More in the background,
Coming out to play once those who shone had gone to bed,
Changing faces throughout the phases
Never able to decide who I was
Only sometimes disappearing.
The moon – always perceived as cooler and calmer,
An esoteric symbol of reflection and transition,
In a constant competition with the sun,
But with you I have changed.

You tell me I am sassier than sassafras,
An unambiguous product of the land,
And that I keep you grounded.
Does that make me your earth, my love?
Benefitting from your warmth,
You melted my ice caps when I was numb to the core.
Growing from your glow,
Your light refracts,
Illuminating,
You brought to life the parts of me that were forgotten,
Allowing the caged soul to sing.
No matter how I stand, I can feel your presence,
Even when you’re far away,
Enveloping me, encouraging me
Your heat preserved in my atmosphere,
My very aura.
With you, I have become my best self.

The attraction is tangible,
Me pulled towards you, you pulled towards me,
An everlasting orbit,
A never-ending dance.
One without the other,
Just doesn’t make sense.

You are my sun.
I might be your ground.
In any galaxy,
Any universe,
I’d want you around.

It’s funny,
How meeting someone new,
Can redefine a concept
You thought you knew.

How do I explain to you
Why I think I love you more
When it's a conglomeration of the little things

Like the fact that I finally feel good enough
Like I don't need to change.

The fact that whether I like it or not,
My plans have started shifting.

I've never been so scared of feelings.
Never been so unsure of the future,
Watching it approach faster than it ever has before
All the while holding your hand
And thus feeling secure.

I really don't want to compare you to her
And really, you make it easy for me not to.
Because this is so different than the last time.

They say you shouldn't look directly at the sun
But how can I resist
Focusing on you

Of all the things I have,
The thought of losing you
Scares me the most

Words plummet from my mouth disconcertingly.

Does water think about what it's doing
Before it goes over the falls?